General Question

Lorenita's avatar

Should I tell my boyfriend what happened?

Asked by Lorenita (725 points ) November 11th, 2010

I’ve been in this relationship for three years, ... im 26 yrs old, my boyfriend is 34. I met another guy, at work, we became very close.. finally he told me he is in love with me and he kissed me! .. of course I let it happen.. I returned the kiss.. the thing is I dont know what to do now. My current relationship it’s been trough many things, we’ve had issues, we’ve solved them, and we just have lots of fun together.. but there’s something this other guy told me that I just cant forget.. because it’s kinda true.. he told me he is the one I run to whenever I have whatever problem going on, like he’s the one I talk to everyday and all that.. he told me I am already cheating in a “emotional way”, and that he’s more my boyfriend than .. my real boyfriend. I know it’s like.. “hey you should just tell the truth to your boyfriend, be honest..” but I’m just not so sure it’s the best thing to do.. this is the first time something like this ever happened to me, and I’m just so confused.. should I just keep my mouth shut and figure it out like on my own first??? or should I just come clean and, tell my boyfriend what happened? knowing that he is going to be very pissed, and that if he still wants to be with me, he’s going to be stressed forever about me and my future co workers, specially since he’s moving to another city??

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67 Answers

Coloma's avatar

If you expect total honesty from your boyfriend you have to give what you wish to recieve or you are a complete hypocrite manipulating and promoting a double standard, not to mention if you value your OWN integrity.

This dude that’s messing with you is manipulating you as well.

If HE had any real integrity he would tell you he could not continue in a friendship with you until you made a decision and left your current partner.

I smell a lot of rats in this little nest.

Response moderated (Personal Attack)
iamthemob's avatar

but there’s something this other guy told me that I just cant forget.. because it’s kinda true.. he told me he is the one I run to whenever I have whatever problem going on, like he’s the one I talk to everyday and all that.. he told me I am already cheating in a “emotional way”, and that he’s more my boyfriend than .. my real boyfriend.

This “friend” sounds like an incredibly emotionally manipulative person, as @Coloma. To be honest, I would cut ties with this person as soon as possible. Then, if you think it’s safe, I would tell your boyfriend (this guy sounds like someone who might try to let your boyfriend know it happened anyway in order to get you). At that point, you can say that he kissed you, told you what he did, and you are never going to see him again because he clearly wasn’t your friend.

diavolobella's avatar

I agree with @Coloma that the guy sounds manipulative. He could have told you how he felt without getting physical, which undermined both your integrity. He has no respect for your relationship with your current boyfriend, so why would he respect a relationship he gets in with you. Next time, you’ll be his girlfriend and he’ll be kissing some other woman at work, telling her he’s her dream man.

janbb's avatar

If the kiss was a one time weakness that you do not plan to repeat, I would not tell my boyfriend and cause him unnecessary pain. I also think the work friend is manipulating you. Only you can decide who you want to be with. Once you have decided that, come clean. You will probably need to distance yourself from workfriend if you want to stay with boyfriend.

wundayatta's avatar

If you don’t tell him, and he finds out, you’ll be in a lot of trouble. If he moves away, and you continue this thing with your coworker, eventually you’ll have to tell him. He’ll be badly hurt, but he’ll be far away, so you don’t have to feel too guilty.

If you tell him, he’ll stop trusting you, and it’ll be even worse when he moves, and he’ll go crazy wondering what you’re doing, and you’ll break up.

The only way to save a possibility with your relationship is to not tell him and not get caught, and cut off your relationship with the coworker.

Otherwise, you might as well break up with boyfriend now.

Seaofclouds's avatar

I agree with @Coloma about the honesty thing. If you want your boyfriend to be honest with you, you need to be honest with him

As for your co-worker, if you go to him about everything, like you would a best friend, it could be that he is manipulating you to believe you are emotionally cheating. If you go to him for more than you would a best friend, then you could be emotionally cheating.

If you want the relationship with your boyfriend to work out, you need to step back from what has developed between you and your co-worker. Tell your co-worker that things have gone to far and it needs to cut back to just a normal co-worker relationship. No more going to him when you have a problem.

wgallios's avatar

I would just stop talking to this guy who is trying to persuade you. As far as telling your BF, well you’re not married or anything, so it is what it is. If you don’t tell him its not the end of the world. I’m sure hes not your first BF and he will not be your last.

But if your current relationship ends, I definitely wouldn’t rushing into something new with this other guy.

Jude's avatar

“hey you should just tell the truth to your boyfriend, be honest..” but I’m just not so sure it’s the best thing to do.”

You need to be honest with your boyfriend.

Response moderated (Unhelpful)
Coloma's avatar

Bottom line, who do you go to sleep with every night and look at in the mirror every morning?

YOURSELF!

I happen to like seeing my reflection without having to look away in horror. lol

MRSHINYSHOES's avatar

I don’t like the way “that other guy”‘s been handling things between you and him. He is conniving, and you fell for it, hook, line, and sinker. You were (and are) in an emotional rut with your boyfriend of 3 years, and because of that you were vulnerable. But that gave you no good excuse to “let it happen” as Chaz said. I wonder what you would do in the future when you are married and supposedly “committed” to your husband? If you’ve done it once, you probably would “let things happen” again. Be honest and stop hiding behind this mistake. Be upfront with your current boyfriend. You are not being fair to him. It will hurt him undoubtedly, but at least you will set him free so he can move on with his life, instead of being still attached to someone who “can’t forget about the other guy”.

Ivy's avatar

Have you ever taken time alone to figure out what you feel and think and want? You’ll find more viable answers for yourself within yourself than you will from anyone else’s opinion. And guilt is a poor reason to do or not do something. Get straight with yourself and then get honestly proactive in whatever relationships you pursue.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

I’m with @iamthemob – your ‘lover’ is bsing you, don’t fall for it..otoh, if you are not in love with your boyfriend, leave him too.

jca's avatar

there is something about your relationship with your boyfriend that caused you to stray and to tell this other person the details. i think sometimes when we go with someone for a really long time, and things are not to our liking, it’s easy to get bored with the relationship and stray. i think you should be with neither man for now, and be alone. i think you should not tell your boyfriend what happened, but when he moves you will have some time to think about the relationship. you can visit him and see how you feel, see if this is someone you want to continue with. you don’t say if you were planning on eventually moving with him, or would it be a long distance relationship forever? that would be hard, it’s possible, but if you want a family eventually it would be rough. now the other guy, he is an opportunist, i think. he also knows you now as a cheater, so in his eyes, you may not be good girlfriend material.

i would have some “alone time” if I were you, and sort it all out, or maybe not have any relationship, and just work on yourself. you’re young and your confusion is understandable.

Trillian's avatar

”...of course I let it happen.. I returned the kiss.. the thing is I dont know what to do now.”
Really? Of course? Why is it “of course”? as if there were no possble other outcome?
Christ on a pony.
Why are you asking? Do you want an endorsement on your future behaviour? How’s this?
Drop your current boyfriend and give him a chance to be with someone who won’t abuse his trust. Pursue a “relationship” with this other guy. When he starts to treat you like you can’t be trusted, you’ll know that he has good reason. When you start to wonder if he’s making time with other women and being their “go to” person, you’ll at least be in famililar territory.
Give the good, honest man in your life a chance to find someone who is worthy of him and take the time to figure out what the hell it is that you want. It isn’t him or you wouldn’t have betrayed him so easily.

Likeradar's avatar

Get rid of your boyfriend. You sound like you’re not ready for a real relationship, especially not a long distance one. I don’t think you necessarily have to tell him about your kiss with the other guy, but I think you’d be crazy and unfair to stay with your boyfriend when he moves away.

sanchezjk's avatar

@Trillian I tip my hat to you. I don’t know why, but your answer brought emotion to me. I guess because I, in a way, went through something like this before. It’s almost like I needed to read this due to my current situation. Thank you, friend. Your answer was comforting to me even though it was not directed at me in any way haha.

tedd's avatar

Girls are such fickle and foolish creatures.

If you truly “love” your boyfriend… then you shouldn’t have to ask the question, and there shouldn’t be an issue in your mind. You’ll be attracted to other people in your life, it happens. But know when thats all it is.

wundayatta's avatar

One kiss does not, in my opinion, make you a cheater. You were taken up by the moment, just as drunk people might lose their sense of appropriateness when under the influence. His desire, coming at a time when you may not have felt desirable, may have hit you at just the right time to feel this.

However, it is just one kiss. You can pull back. You might pull back to friendship (you’ll have to be very strict with him), or you can just tell him you can’t be around him at work any more, so understand what’s going on when you don’t talk to him any more than you have to.

If you tell him this, you’ll find out a lot about him. If he tries to argue, you’ll know he plays fast and loose. If he agrees with you, you’ll know he recognized it as a mistake, too.

I think that if you pull back, and if it was a momentary indiscretion, it is not necessary to tell your bf. Even if you do tell him, you have to talk about what led up to it: how you have been feeling disconnected from him and feeling undesirable and when this guy came along you lost your judgment. But you have it now, and you are staying away from him, and you’ll do whatever it takes for him to trust you. Whatever he wants.

You are not a whore for one kiss. That’s utterly ridiculous! That is so hardline, I doubt anyone can live up to that standard. One would have to be absolutely perfect (not to mention wearing a strait jacket) in order to never have taken an action like that.

You are a young woman learning as you go. Relationships are hard. You understand that you did something you wish you hadn’t. You want to come clean if that will work. Your goal, I believe, is to stay with your boyfriend.

People are warning you that it will be hard to stay with bf. Long distance relationships are very difficult. They won’t work if you feel any guilt. You’ll pull away from bf in subtle ways.

I think you guys should figure out what your relationship will be like—when do you see each other, how often do you call? Can you go out with other people, just for fun? By the way, I think that if either of you is uncomfortable with the last, that means you don’t trust each other enough for the relationship to survive the separation.

You’ve got a lot of thinking in front of you, and nothing is certain. You’ve got lots of contradictory advice. I wouldn’t worry about the “shoulds” that people have given you. I would pay attention to their experience and ideas about it. Then you’ll make a better choice, I think.

Response moderated (Personal Attack)
Trillian's avatar

@tedd Generalize much?

tedd's avatar

@Trillian Ehh, I’m almost more commenting on my own situation, but trying to “direct” it at her. But I have to say, I agree with sanchesjk… I loved your answer and I think it may have just given me some personal focus… in what has been an extremely shitty life of late.

Coloma's avatar

I strongly agree with taking a major relationship sabbatical.

I don’t trust anyone that has not and cannot be alone with themselves.

I wouldn’t date anyone that has a histroy of rebound relationships, that tells me they are needy, lack a sense of self and can’t tolerate their own company.

So I would revise my response to say that even if you do break it off with your boyfriend I’d suggest a lengthy respite from relating and not launching into the arms of another man, especially one that is showing you his lack of respect and integrity with manipulative intent.

iamthemob's avatar

@Trillian was able to make some great points, be blunt, and call out a certain assumption in the OP – and she was able to do so without using misogynistic, derogatory language! Weird…

Ivan's avatar

Yes, you should tell your boyfriend.

But this other guy is manipulating you, just fyi.

nikipedia's avatar

Sounds like you want to have your cake and eat it too. You want to have the choice of being with your boyfriend or being with this other guy. And the only way you can do this is through a lie of omission.

But you already made your choice by allowing the relationship with the other guy to progress to this point. Your relationship with your boyfriend is over.

CyanoticWasp's avatar

No, don’t tell the boyfriend. That would only make things worse for all concerned.

None of you in this drama are children; you don’t have to tell him (or anyone else) every little thing that goes on in your life. That is, you don’t have to if you really want to grow up. And I suggest that you should start that process soon.

It’s clear that you are confused about things here, relationship-wise. So the first thing you need to do is extricate yourself from both relationships. You don’t owe a word of explanation to anyone, but if it makes you feel better, just tell the two principals involved that you “have to get yourself sorted out and get things in perspective”, which is true enough.

If you continually find that you need to talk out things in your life, then I suggest you find a highly competent—and professional—therapist, especially one that you won’t be at all attracted to physically, because you clearly have this transference problem to deal with. You don’t want to fall in love with your therapist next. Eventually, however, you need to start to be able to keep your own counsel about things.

If you want a long-distance snap judgement here, I think that you’ve been content to be “a little girl” with both of these men (a twelve-year difference in ages between you and your steady represents a difference of half your life, which is a pretty significant difference). I halfway suspect that you’ve ceded a bit too much control to both of these men, and it’s time for you to take it for yourself while you can.

Coloma's avatar

@CyanoticWasp

I disagree, not telling a partner that you ate a candy bar at lunch and blew your diet is one thing, but lying, by omission or otherwise, about any type of infidelity is unacceptable.

Part of being a grown up is owning your f—k ups like a grown up and honoring the rights of another to know exactly what they are dealing with.

People make mistakes but true adults own them, and they own them immediately.

If she is honest with her boyfriend than she is honoring his right to choose whether or not he wises to continue in a relationship with a clearly confused person that has teetered on the edge of some serious sexual misconduct.

My feelings about deception of any kind have much more to do with controlling another persons reality and not giving them the CHOICE to make a decision based on the facts.

THIS is true ‘crime’ of duplicitous behaviors.

Mikewlf337's avatar

You are a terrible girlfriend and you would make a terrible wife! How could you be so easily manipulated by this POS you are falling for? How can you be so gullible? I love how people try to rationalize cheating on someone. You betrayed your boyfriend and that is all there is to it. You can’t be trusted. You can’t see that he is just saying that for you to dump your boyfriend? You are destroying this man but I know alot of women don’t care about that. They only think that their emotions should be taken in consideration. You wasted 3 years of his life. He has to start over and find someone else because of your selfish act. You will do it again. Cheaters always do it again! Should you tell him? I don’t know. Maybe you should spare him a life of misery by dumping him so he can find someone else alot better than you are. If you can really handle not cheating on him with every sweet talking POS on planet then maybe you can forget it happened and keep him.

CMaz's avatar

@Mikewlf337 – Yes, I totally agree! And you avoided saying whore.

now it is just a matter of time for you know

iamthemob's avatar

Despite @Mikewlf337‘s rant, you can get an impression from it of what your boyfriend might feel if he knew this was the situation.

So I think that you should break it off with this “friend” (I think POS is actually more accurate), learn from it for the future, and fess up. It’s really up to your boyfriend to see if he should give you a second chance…and not up to you to manufacture one by not telling him what happened.

TexasDude's avatar

[Mod Says] Personal attacks off please.

chyna's avatar

I would not tell him, but I would break off with him. You aren’t sure of how you feel about him and he is moving so let him go to find a girlfriend that he can trust and that will love him.

CyanoticWasp's avatar

I’m going to agree with my new favorite mod (really?) and avoid any personal attack here. I don’t think that you’re really in control of yourself enough yet to be a real girlfriend. If you’re not mature then you’re not ‘competent’ at that, and that’s where you need to be.

@Coloma I agree completely to confessing ‘actual sins’ (mostly), but a kiss? Is she going to have to confess every wayward thought and glance, too? No, that’s just too Victorian even for me.

Coloma's avatar

@CyanoticWasp

Thoughts don’t count but actions do.

A kiss is something that merits a confession in my humble opinion.

Guess it comes down to ones definition of what constitutes a ‘sin.’ lol

Everyone knows that a cheater just keeps drawing a new line in the sand.

If you have nothing to hide you hide nothing, plain and simple.
I am aware not everyone holds total transparency as a standard in their relationships, hence the tangled webs one weaves.

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

“Should I tell my boyfriend what happened?”

If he’s a member of fluther, you just did.

chyna's avatar

@Coloma Normally I would agree with you, but I think if she cuts him lose now, there is no reason to throw salt into the wound. She could just say it wasn’t going to work with him moving etc.

Coloma's avatar

@chyna

Perhaps…but in coming clean she redeems her own integrity and, also, maybe gives him a chance to reflect on any potential signs he has been overlooking or dismissing.

I dunno..all I know is that I am incapable of keeping a secret and would have to confess, I wouldn’t have a choice, I’m just not built that way and have a really hard time understanding those that are.

If I chopped down someones cherry tree I’d have to axe myself. lol

jca's avatar

i guess my ultimate advice would be you are going to have to make this very tough decision yourself, after some soul searching. you may very well make the wrong decision, one you will regret for the rest of your life, and you will never know what will happen if you went the other route.

a few years ago i had been dating a great guy for a long time, but it was going nowhere. I guess I got bored, and an ex came into the picture and we started seeing each other. i had such a hard time deciding who to be with. Guy #1 got tired of waiting and he started seeing someone else. I ended up breaking up with guy #2 (which was a long distance relationship) and about 6 months later he got married (which told me that he probably was seeing this other woman while we were dating). I regret hurting guy #1’s feelings and we still see each other and talk daily, he loves my daughter like his own, but we are platonic. he still sees the woman he started dating, and i think they are now full circle and are more friends because he no longer spends nights at her house. What will happen to me and him, I have no idea. Truly the description “it’s complicated.”

Coloma's avatar

We should never fear the truth.

Truth telling is never the ‘wrong’ decision regardless of outcome.

Most of the time when someone says that they have not told the truth because they didn’t want to ‘hurt’ another the translation is really…’ I didn’t want to tell the truth and face the consequences.’

Lying is the very definition of selfishness.

Years ago when I was divorcing a friends husband started coming on to me and one night I came home to a sex toy in my mailbox with a nice little pervey note from him.

I was in AGONY over having to tell my neighbor /friend about his conduct as they were in marriage counseling at the time.

BUT..I did, she had a right to know what her pervey husband was up to.

It was very painful for us both but the friendship survived and her marriage did not.

As painful and ugly as it all was I never doubted myself for a minute in doing the right thing.

Ripped his mask off once and for all and inspite of her pain it enabled her to really see this guy’s true colors and make a decision based on that truth. ( She later discovered many other nefarious acts on his behalf.)

The truth will set you free in every capacity, menatlly, emotionally and sometimes even physically.

I couldn’t have lived with myself let alone faced and faked an ‘alls well’ attitude around my friend or her husband.

Of course he feigned total innocence and attempted to claim that I was after him, fortunetly my friend trusted me enough to and was aware enough of his issues that she didn’t fall for his protests.

Sooo, that’s my story, and I have no regrets.

CyanoticWasp's avatar

I have to take issue with Truth telling is never the ‘wrong’ decision regardless of outcome.

I’ve always liked William Blake’s couplet on the topic:

A truth that’s told with bad intent
Beats any lie you can invent

From reading what you write, @Coloma, I don’t think you have any ‘bad intent’, at least I’ve never seen any indicated, so this may not be part of your reality. But I’ve seen it and done it and I know whereof he speaks. Sometimes it’s best to say nothing, rather than ‘tell the truth’.

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

Truth is earned, and dishing it out freely to one who has not earned it is the folly of fools.

The Nazi knocks on the door asking, “Where are your children”? He is free to earn that truth by torturing me or looking for them himself. But I have no responsibility to freely give him a truth that he has not yet earned for himself.

Coloma's avatar

@CyanoticWasp

I always try to go for the greater good.

Intention is everything, I agree. My intention in telling was to allow the greater good to unfold with eyes wide open.

In this case my friend was freed to move on and find someone who would treat her with dignity and respect as she deserved, and fortuntley she was READY to face MANY unsavory truths, sooo, maybe the ‘there are no accidents’ mantra comes into play.

We do have the power to change history, for better or for worse. :-)

Trillian's avatar

@Coloma He’s right actually. We, all of us, may be casting pearls before swine here. The very fact that she asks indicates something diminishing here. This man’s future happiness depends on a bunch of strangers on the internet. First, she betrayed him, then she considers further betryal and casually asks the community at large rather than think through the implications of her actions.
The life unexamined is not worth living.
(Socrates)

Coloma's avatar

@Trillian

One of my fav. quoates. :-)

Yes, always a double edged sword, each side cuts just as deeply, truth vs. concealment, both have the potential for life latering outcomes.

Obviously the majority votes for honesty..the duplicitous ball now rests in her court.

Pick your poison! lol

On that note I am voting myself off this island as I have a big evening ahead. ;-)

Response moderated (Writing Standards)
mrentropy's avatar

I dunno about the honesty bit. Not to her boyfriend, anyway. Not yet. I agree with @Trillian, et al, that this person appears to have doubts about her relationship. She was happy to kiss Bachelor #2. Doesn’t appear to be all that sorry about it, really.

If I were to take a few stabs in the dark I would say:
1) She’s not very happy about everything she and Bachelor #1 have been through
2) She’s not very happy about B#1 moving to another city.
3) Hearing B#2’s sweet talking and the kiss was exciting, new, different.
4) She was already considering leaving B#1 but…
5) She’d be alone if she broke up with B#1 unless there was a B#2 to take his place.

Now there is. @Lorenita needs to step back from both Bs (as has been mentioned), and really figure out what she wants before she says anything to anyone. Most of all, recognize where the fear is coming from.

As a personal opinion, while I would break up with B#1, I would stay away from B#2 for the same reason that everyone else is pointing out. If he had any scruples he would have backed away and say something like, “I love you, but I know you have a boyfriend. You need to figure out who you want to be with.” But I also think “love” is out of place here.

We all have “somoene” that we tell all our troubles to. We don’t always go and kiss them. I think it’s more of a case of White Knight; saving the day by giving advice and listening to troubles. Once @Lorenita (why isn’t my @ working today?) is no longer crying on his shoulders he won’t be the Saviour anymore.

MilkyWay's avatar

YOU should tell your boyfriend what happened ASAP
the guy at work seems dodgy and may blackmail you in the future, if and when you try to avoid him.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

Tell your bf you feel the time’s come to break off because you haven’t been able to reconcile yourself to him, enough so that you’ve continuously sought comfort, support and emotional intimacy elsewhere and now something else has happened that belies you aren’t ready for any serious relationship with anyone. He’ll probably already kind of guess where it lead and he might ask if you fooled around and you’ll tell him it was only a kiss but that’s enough to make it clear to you that you’re not in the right place. If your bf asks if you’ll take up with the co worker then say “no”, tell him you’ve now seen the coworker is manipulative for his own wants.

The guy took advantage, he knew what was going on with you at home and he played it for himself maybe hoping you’d come along in time. Break the emotional intimacy with him. Your bf may not be right for you but the guy at work surely isn’t. Now that you’ve experienced what an emotional affair is and how strong and real they are, you can steer yourself better in your next relationship. It sucks, it’s not fair but it happens. I believe most people deserve 2nd chances but with other people they choose not to blunder with in the first place.

Response moderated (Personal Attack)
BarnacleBill's avatar

Wow. I don’t think the guy from work is manipulative. To me it sounds like his has a thing for @Lorenita and is tired of being the bridesmaid and never the bride in relationships. If Lorenita is boo-hooing to the guy at work about her problems with the boyfriend, and he sits there, taking it, all the while thinking “I’d never do that; she deserves a better boyfriend than that jerk.”

@Lorenita, if you’ve been bitsy-booing about your boyfriend to another man, then he isn’t the right guy for you. If he’s moving, you need to dut him loose. You’re not going to make him into something that he’s not. As for the guy at work, you seem to have an emotional attachment to him, but you need to decide if you’re using him (which is why he said what he did) or if you can be interested in him as a boyfriend. The only way you’re going to figure that out is to go for several months with no boyfriend, and see what the guy at work is really like when you’re not complaining about your relationships to him

The real answer is probably “C” – neither one of these guys is the right one.

food's avatar

I agree a bit with Simone, that there´s a high probability that you already doubt your feelings about your boyfriend. I think that if you felt a lot for him that you would have mentioned it in the question (unless you had to omit it to make it more private) If it´s hard for you to sort out things in a short time then definitely you need a break from both. Seriously, is any one of these relationships really worth it? If you need to base yourself on what the guy told you about emotion, is it because you´re avoiding paying attention to what you yourself feel? So the main question is any one of those two people really worth it for you? (chemistry plus long-term compatibility and personal satisfaction about your choice?) You probably already know, it´s just a tough call especially if it means you end up alone…
I don´t think that once a cheater, always a cheater, especially after the eye-opening feedback you got (which was obviously over the line by the way),

Trillian's avatar

@Coloma I was referring to @RealEyesRealizeRealLies when I said that he was right by the way. ;-)

Lorenita's avatar

Okaaay.. Thank you all for your opinions on the matter, I really appreciate your feedback guys, it seems that many of you took it kinda personal, specially those who actually attacked me, which was very unappropiate. I’m so sorry for all of you who seem to have played the “boyfriend part” in your own story and life and as for those who were brave enough to throw the first stone here, I bow to you, seriously, and I truly hope you will always be able to live up to those standards, definately I made a mistake and have to consider many things right now, but in life.. SHIT happens… yeah it does, and I am not my mistakes… I’m learning as I go along.
May the force be with me and of course with all of those who are going trough the same. Thanks a lot.

Response moderated (Personal Attack)
CMaz2's avatar

“it seems that many of you took it kinda personal,”

Who? I think you got some great advice across the board.

Response moderated (Off-Topic)
Coloma's avatar

@Lorenita

I wish you well, and you are correct, you are not your mistakes, the trick is to learn from them and not repeat them. It is a ‘truth’ that if one does not hold themselves to a standard of conduct it becomes easier and easier to justify being untruthful.

@Trillian

I see.

I thought you were referencing @CyanoticWasp ‘s reply of truth telling being subjective.
Of course not telling the truth to save ones children from the Nazi’s is not even close to with holding the truth in an intimate relationship. ;-)

cowzsaysmoo's avatar

You need to tell him the truth. I don’t want to say this long message about why to tell him. Mainly because it is common knowledge. Then just go with whoever you like most. You don’t need to stay with anyone. If you love your co worker, then the other guy isn’t your love. There, simply said.

CyanoticWasp's avatar

@Coloma
I don’t see how I missed your reply to my post (three weeks ago!), but apparently I did, because I wouldn’t let that go completely unchallenged. I don’t want anyone to think that I see any subjectivity to “truth”. I don’t believe that “truth telling [is] subjective” in any way. But… ‘whether’ to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth sometimes, well, that can be a subjective decision. And certainly ‘how to do that’ can be, as well. My god, “what to reveal and how to reveal it” is the essence of flirting, advertising, enticing, teasing… pretty much all relationships, isn’t it?

I still say that for most cases, such as the one in the OP’s question where she’s wondering where her heart really lies, or “a stolen kiss” moment, an instantly regretted drunken indiscretion, fantasies and dreams that involve people other than one’s S/O and the like… it’s best to just shut up and figure it out on one’s own. And then forgive oneself and promise to be better—privately. Almost always. I don’t believe in many ‘absolute truths’, so a claim that “I have never even thought about another since I’ve been with you” seems suspect to me, and attempting to solicit such a grandiose promise from another is likely to lead to… the kinds of revelations above, from someone attempting to be “totally honest”. Those thoughts and actions by themselves—and the withholding of them—don’t damage relationships nearly as much as the disclosures often do.

Sometimes, I think, even if you do love another person with absolute single-mindedness, it’s best to withhold even that kind of revelation. It took me a long time to learn that there’s value in keeping a certain amount of one’s thoughts completely private and off limits to anyone else. It’s healthier for everyone, I think.

I try to absent myself discreetly from orgies of “absolute truth-telling”; they’re unseemly to me—and I’m just about the most open and honest person I know, too.

To get back to the OP and the Q she posted: No, this certainly doesn’t rise to the level of “should I tell the SS officer where the Jews are hiding and tell a lie to save innocent lives”. But withholding this “truth” about her private doubt, fantasy, friendship, “emotional affair” or call it what you will, can preserve the ongoing relationship that she still seems to feel is more important. Everyone is entitled to private wonder, doubt and fantasy! To puke out every emotion or thought (whether negative or positive) that has regarding a S/O could lead to the death of the relationship. Where’s the good in that?

Coloma's avatar

@CyanoticWasp

I agree, keeping some of one’s thought’s and fantasies to themselves, brief moments of attraction, etc. is perfectly fine, healthy even, certainly ‘normal.’
But..I still do not advocate crossing lines and keeping secrets if someone has, infact, actually had some sort of ‘contact’ with another.

With holding truth from another to ‘preserve’ a relationship while the confused person tries to make up their mind about what they want is the very definition of duplicity and, obviously, the mindset behind many affairs.

Honesty, like charity, begins at ‘home’, and if one does not hold themselves accountable it becomes easier and easier to keep drawing a new line in the sand.

I don’t think the guy she is dating would appriciate knowing, say a year or two from now that his girlfriend has been confused all that time and sampling other flavors from the menu whenever they present.

IF, this was a one time moment and served as an instrument to gain perspective then that is a truth that also needs to be shared.

Telling the truth is not about ‘puking out every emotion’, it is about truth, and real love would rather risk losing a relationship through honesty than living a lie.

‘True’, unselfish ‘love’ holds no space for trickery and deceit, and to claim otherwise is the antithesis of such.

Bottom line, what we are talking about here is game playing, and game playing is never the path to healthy relating.

To ‘preserve’ a relationship via selfish and secretive motives is disingenius, period.

This is not any different than failing to disclose a problem when selling a vehicle or other item.

The buyer is agreeing to buy based on the facts presented, and if one disclosed the smoking engine from the get go they are giving that person an opportunity to choose based on truth, facts, not slick salesmanship.

If it’s not okay to sell a lemon car, if it’s not okay to lie on a job application, health insurance form, tax return, why is it okay to lie in a relationship to ‘preserve’ one’s own selfish motives?

Lying about anything in a relationship is disrespectful, selfish and the trait of an immature being. None of which lend themselves to a healthy relationship.

janbb's avatar

I’m with @CW on this one.

CyanoticWasp's avatar

And I’m with @janbb being with me. I won’t tell if you don’t.

janbb's avatar

Shh – it’s a secret.

choreplay's avatar

Your coworker is using a technique, pick up artist call, the boyfriend killer. He wants you to tell your boyfriend and when your relationship is on the rocks he will be there for you to cry on his shoulder. If you cut your coworker off from all emotional conversations as well as reports of your relationship with your boyfriend he wont be able to play this out. Your co worker is an ass. 1) Telling you boyfriend will be hard so he has to be worth that 2) Don’t report any of it back to the coworker. Find someone else to talk to about it.

Andreass's avatar

no one is ready to know the truth as it is… all people ask their pairs to be frank always, but it doesn’t mean that they want to hear something like this… they just cheat themselves

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