General Question

john68's avatar

Does wanting an attractive girlfriend make me morally wrong?

Asked by john68 (20 points ) May 30th, 2010

Ok now I don’t have super high standards for women. Most women I date are “average.” One of my criteria is that the girl must be somewhat attractive. I want a woman that I can atleast bring home to my friends and not get “You’re going out with that…...”

Am I a bad, superficial person for wanting a decent looking woman that I find physically attractive?

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44 Answers

MissA's avatar

No…you sound young. Don’t forget to look on the ‘inside’.

john65pennington's avatar

No, you are correct and its called being NORMAL.

In this world, there are three different types of women: one is a playgirl, one is your friend, one is the one you take home to meet your parents.

Seek's avatar

Everyone’s shallow, to an extent. We’re biologically programmed to look for good genes to mingle with our own. Don’t feel guilty for being human.

DrBill's avatar

Not at all, the heart wants what the heart wants.

Likeradar's avatar

It’s totally normal and reasonable to want to be intimate with someone you find attractive.

The telling part of your question, to me, is this: I want a woman that I can at least bring home to my friends and not get “You’re going out with that…...” That’s just plain immaturity.

ragingloli's avatar

Congratulations. You now officially qualify as a human.

john68's avatar

@Likeradar

Well you know what I mean. I’ll rephrase to get the point across. I apologize if this comes off as rude. Briniging home a 5’3 200lb cow will have serious social implications.

I just thought might be wrong that I am biased by my friends to an extent. But isin’t everyone? Now I’m not totally hung up on physical attractiveness. People have way higher standards than me on that level. My general rule is simply average or better.

Yes I do look for personality as well. I can not hang around someone I do not like as a person. Dating implies hanging around, so therefore the first must hold true.

Likeradar's avatar

@john68 You’re not helping your cause, man. Women are not a “that” or “cows,” no matter how they look. Your main question is totally reasonable, and you’ve gotten unanimous answers that wanting to be with someone you find attractive is totally normal and fine. A woman who is attractive inside and out will probably not want to be with someone like you. You need to be what you want to attract.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

You’re entirely normal. The Discovery Channel ran an excellent program called The Science of Sex Appeal. The whole program is online. This is the segment called Out of Your League, which explains how selection works.

Referring to a 5’3” 300 lb. woman as a “cow” is advertising your shallowness, crassness, and insensitivity. You’re not exactly dating material, are you?

john68's avatar

@PandoraBoxx

But that IS how others will judge you and the woman you are with. As sad and shallow as it sounds….... It truly is sad

Interesting find. I will watch that

gailcalled's avatar

@john68: So, John, are you studmuffin materiel? Does anyone care? I certainly don’t. but given your language, I wouldn’t let you near my extremely attractive daughter.

At a certain point, you can influence your friends and not be biased by their bias.

Send us a picture, your IQ and SAT scores, a sample written essay and the kind of volunteer work you do. We will then rate you on a scale of 1 (local tomato horn worm) to #10 (Saint Patrick).

Likeradar's avatar

@john68 How old are you?

Seek's avatar

Who gives a flying fuck what others think? This is your relationship we’re discussing.

I’m a 5’, 120 lb, 24 year old woman married to a 6’, 250 lb, 40 year old man. Do you think I give a shite what anyone looking on thinks? Hell no.

Draconess25's avatar

What’s it matter if it’s normal? It’s your life, not anyone else’s. They can’t tell you what you want.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

Basing your choices who you date on what other people think is a sign of immaturity, and that you’re not capable of making choices for yourself. When it’s said and done, dating and relationships are between two people, not a guy and his bro pack.

There’s group mentality at work here. Like lemmings. Off a cliff.

john68's avatar

@Likeradar

21.

@Seek_Kolinahr
That certinly is on one end of the curve

I never said I was a studmuffin. I would honestly say I’m average. All I ask for is average. 5\10, randomly select a woman on the street. Majority of the time that will reflect my definition of average. I ask for nothing more

PandoraBoxx's avatar

Let me ask you this. Are you asking this question because you’ve met someone that you actually like who’s not up to standards, so you’re going to dump them because you’re afraid of what your friends are going to say? Would you rather date someone who’s attractive on the outside and ugly on the inside because what your friends see is more important to you than what a person actually is?

Scooby's avatar

We all have our own standards just follow your own & be contented!! That’s what I say…. Just be happy, as long as you are then why worry?? ;-)

rebbel's avatar

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Prov. Different people have different ideas about what is beautiful.
Bob: I can’t believe Ted bought that ugly old car. Fred: He loves it. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Jill: Have you seen Mary’s pictures of her new baby? He looks pretty ugly, to my eyes. Jane: Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. TheFreeDictionary.com

judyprays's avatar

I think it’s a question of insecurity rather than morality. Looking for someone YOU are physically attracted to is kosher. Looking for someone your FRIENDS approve of…

Merriment's avatar

Wanting an attractive girlfriend isn’t wrong/shallow.

Wanting her to be attractive above all other qualities and for the reason of making yourself look good to friends and family is a wee bit ankle-deep of you.

mowens's avatar

I mean lets be honest… you have to be able to get it up for her right? There has to be some level of attraction. Even if it is alcohol induced.

MissA's avatar

@john68

I think that it’s really great that you are mature enough to ask the question of whether it’s morally wrong to want an attractive girlfriend. That must mean on some level that even YOU question you.

You’ve received a lot of good advice here (a great place for honestly and opinion) and yet I don’t believe you quite get it. So, you’ve probably been arguing with yourself for a while.

It makes me think that perhaps there is a special ‘one’ who doesn’t quite meet your friends’ definition of average or better. In order to find any happiness in life, beyond the superficial and fleeting, you need to do more observing of the world around you…and, don’t screw up some girl’s life. She may fall for you and find herself out in the cold due to a whim.

Think. And, my best to you as you find your answers in life.

CyanoticWasp's avatar

No, not at all.

You’re never as wrong as when you actually have a girlfriend. Unless you also have a wife. Then you can never be more wrong.

primigravida's avatar

Yikes. Your friends sound horrid and close minded. I feel really bad for you that you are worried about what “social implications” some girl you might be with will bring upon yourself. I wish you could find some friends who would appreciate you for YOU and not have some predetermined expectation of what you and your girlfriends should be like. I’ve dated guys on all ends of the spectrum, all shapes, sizes, and levels of attractiveness, and trust me, in the long run, what your mate looks like isn’t what’s going to keep you interested and happy. Does she make you laugh? Does she love and support you? Do you two respect each other and give each other stimulating conversation? These are the things that will carry on a relationship throughout the years… not how hot or not someone is.

kheredia's avatar

What is attractive to you may not be attractive to somebody else. So no, there’s nothing wrong with you wanting to date someone who you think is attractive.

brinkofit's avatar

You aren’t wrong. You need to think the person is attractive. Nothing wrong with that if you combine it with a mix of other qualities. If your only criteria is a beautiful person, then yes, you’d be considered morally wrong and shallow

netgrrl's avatar

Someone said once, 10’s don’t date 2’s.

(now that doesn’t have to refer to just looks, but also personality.)

VanderwallsForce's avatar

Depends… If you fall in love with an attractive woman and (God forbid) she became disfigured from an tragic accident… Would you leave her because she is no longer “attractive”? If so then date ONLY attractive women
casually and not for committment… You’re young, be socially responsible, be honest about your motivation with yourself and give yourself time to mature where the opinions of others will carry
less weight with you.

chamelopotamus's avatar

Its biology. We are attracted to a big booty cause it ensures more growth space for your seed investment, and we are attracted to big boobies cause that ensures more milk for our young suckling. The flower has to be bright and colorful or the bee wont see it. That doesn’t mean you don’t have the ability to see someone’s soul, it just means you are acting biologically appropriately.

liminal's avatar

In my opinion, wanting a girlfriend who is attractive to you makes sense, but wanting a girlfriend who others find attractive sounds shallow. People are not trophies.

The question I put to you is this: “Are you comfortable being shallow?”

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

Well, I think it’s okay and ‘normal’ for most people to want to be with someone they find attractive – it’s a whole other story when you give a hoot about and are friends with people who’d say ‘you’re going out with that…’ as a response to someone you like.

Nullo's avatar

Attractiveness is to the relationship what tinder is to a fire.

JLeslie's avatar

The thing is people become more attractive, even physically attractive, when we get to know them and their wonderful qualities. I am not saying you are being shallow, I am only saying don’t look past someone before you get to know them.

le_inferno's avatar

Wow, everyone who is putting this guy down is really obnoxious and elitist. He’s not saying this is the most important thing, but I agree that it’s important to be proud of your significant other and not be ashamed when family/friends meet him or her. It’s not “shallow” to not want people poking fun at your SO’s appearance. Get off your high horses.

Likeradar's avatar

@le_inferno There’s a difference between being proud of your significant other, and wanting to impress people who would say something like “you’re going out with a cow!”
It’s definitley a nice little plus to be with someone your friends think is a hottie. But that is very different than considering your friends’ opinions when choosing a partner. If he or she is attractive to you, why care what anyone else thinks?

Arthur's avatar

That would depend on from where you draw upon your morals. Most people draw upon morals from the bible, however that book also teaches bad morals, like stoning your neighbor if he wrongs you or my favorite, its ur duty to kill all heretics

Merriment's avatar

@le inferno – It is shallow to allow other people’s ideas of “acceptable” levels of beauty determine who you will date. Or maybe the word should be “weak” rather than shallow.

perspicacious's avatar

Just human I suppose. Just don’t let it be your only criteria.

LostInParadise's avatar

It is true, as others have pointed out, that we are programmed to prefer attractive people, but there is another tendency to overlook physical imperfections as we get to know people better. If you have found someone who you like but feel is not attractive, you should trust that your friends will eventually feel the same way that you do.

JLeslie's avatar

@john68 I was wondering, if a friend of your has a not very attractive SO, do you judge them or care? If the SO has a great personality, funny, smart, empathetic, accomplished, would their appearance still stand out to you? Again, I am not accusing you of being shallow, I am going to guess that you in the end don’t really care what a friend’s SO looks like. My point is, probably your friends are the same. You are worried about something that needs no worry.

I don’t think you are shallow for wanting to find your SO attractive, I think you are being a little insecure by worrying what your friends think, or have picked a bad set of friends. If you are very young I get it, but if you are over the age of 25 I suggest to you that people who are so worried about the surface, vanity, feeling better about themselves by bragging about what they have accomplished or how beautiful their SO is, showing off their house, or cars, being around people like that is exhausting. I have a family member who surrounds herself with people like that, and she never feels good enough, and seems to engage in putting others down to make herself feel better. When I am with my friends I feel at home, comfortable, happy to just be with them. No competition.

I may have read too much into your question, if so, sorry for the long answer.

kheredia's avatar

It takes more of man to stand up for someone they care about than to be able to get someone good enough to impress his friends. If that’s all that matters to him then he should just hire a good looking hooker.

stratman37's avatar

@john68 , here’s some balm for the “new one” gailcalled ripped ya a while back…

h3llolim3's avatar

Its not horrible, but its not great either. Everyone wants be have someone that looks/is attractive, its normal to want that. However, you have to look beyond that, think about it this way, would you want someone that is super hot and mean, or someone that is average and is decent looking?

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