Social Question

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

True acceptance in a relationship or maybe not?

Asked by Hypocrisy_Central (21066 points ) July 22nd, 2010

How would you surmise a relationship between a white man and Asian female where he says he loves her but seeks to Americanize her more by having her wear blue contacts, getting her hair bleached platinum blonde, and getting boob and butt implants, and for go using chop sticks at meal time? If he wanted the girl of Beach Boys song lore should he just get one of those instead of trying to “create” that gal from one who is not, or as long as she is willing to go along with all of that it is as cool as jazz?

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22 Answers

IBERnineD's avatar

If a guy ever told me to change that much about me, I would take it as a sign that I’m not what he is looking for, and dump him immediately. If she is up for it all? Then I guess it’s her choice to participate. However ridiculous it is.

Likeradar's avatar

I’d characterize it as the union between a crazy control freak and a woman who is in desperate need of more self esteem and sense of self.

Luffle's avatar

It’s hard to judge other people’s relationships.

I’ve bleached my hair and worn different color contacts for someone else. I’m not sure that their different ethnicity has an effect on what you are asking. I tried it for an Asian guy who had a preference for that kind of look.

Even without him, I try different things but I do it for myself and not for anyone else. If she wants to change her appearance, it’s her decision. People change for themselves, not for other people. A lot of it has to do with self esteem and being able to accept the way you are.

My hair color changes with the season or when I’m feeling down.

Dutchess_III's avatar

@Luffle My hair get chopped when I’m upset…

Luffle's avatar

@Dutchess_III Do you feel better after your haircut?

wundayatta's avatar

I dunno. Seems like a lot of guys try to change their penis size for their girls.

Me? I even learned to put down the toilet seat! Talk about operant conditioning!

Dutchess_III's avatar

@Luffle Yes, yes I do. The thing is, I actually cut it myself. It just feels like I’m shedding part of my grief with the hair!

@wundayatta Uh, the guys aren’t doing it for the girls, because the women don’t really care! It’s not the “size” that makes a guy a good lover. The guys are doing it for their own self esteem.

THANK YOU for learning how to put down the toilet seat!!!!

poofandmook's avatar

Vertigo, much?

Luffle's avatar

“The guys are doing it for their own self esteem.” Agree.

Whether or not we change ourselves either on our own or by another person’s suggestion, we change hoping that the changes will bring some self satisfaction. I don’t see it changing one-self to be purely sacrificial.

wundayatta's avatar

@Dutchess_III Oh please don’t tell me women don’t care. I happen to know of many who care very much. Or at least, that’s what they write. In any case, I never said that penis size made for a better lover. It just makes for a tighter fit, which some women seem to like.

Now I do think that the more interesting women probably don’t care very much, but I totally disagree that a guy does it for self esteem. If there were no girls, the guys wouldn’t care. The only reason why guys might compare penis sizes is because they think it gets them access to more girls.

You know, I’ve heard this line “I do it for myself” a lot over the years. Women seem to think it is very important to state that they aren’t changing themselves for anyone other than themselves. Methinks the lady doth protest too much.

Dutchess_III's avatar

@wundayatta Not sure what you mean about “changing” themselves for themselves or someone else. Like, changing what?

xStarlightx's avatar

That just sounds utterly wrong.
True love doesn’t care about looks, true love embraces everything about the person.

I would say leave the guy.

Scooby's avatar

Hell! If I could find a girl that likes to play dress up!, she’s in! Lol.. ;-) & I’d love her “LONG TIME”

perspicacious's avatar

The only thing of those listed that would be trying to Americanize her would be to cease using chop sticks. I don’t know why he would care about that, but it doesn’t sound like a big deal to me. Everything else—do you really think Asian women are not doing those things in their homeland?

tranquilsea's avatar

I have to say that if my hubby ever suggested I wear my hair a certain way or, even worse, suggested plastic surgery…he’d be on the sidewalk in a femtosecond.

From your description that is not true acceptance. Quite the opposite.

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

When an SO asks their partner to make a physical change, says it could be a deal-breaker, and the partner does it because they want to please instead of going by their own feelings…then there is a problem.

DarlingRhadamanthus's avatar

True acceptance in a relationship….is exactly that.

Someone who loves you exactly as you are.

Anything other than that is not acceptance.

Now, if you and your partner want to indulge fantasties….I suppose that is different. But if some guy said, “I really love you….but could you get some blue eyes? Blonde hair? Breast implants?”

I would say, “Yes…as long as you would wear coke-bottle glasses, shave your head and have one of your ****** removed.”

Well, I wouldn’t have to get the blonde hair and blue eyes. So, I guess it would be brown eyes and brown hair. And I wouldn’t. Not for any man.

If two people really do love each other….you don’t have to do things like that.

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

@DarlingRhadamanthus I beg to differ, although the examples below go in the opposite direction. My SO mentioned that he prefers women with short hair. I eventually cut my long locks off and am elated with the results. (It could always be grown back.)

He also mentioned that he saw no reason to have highlights, but if it was something that brought personal satisfaction, to please do so. I’ve given them up for now. I love not having to spend the 1–2 hours in the salon for what I consider a waste of money, but I do miss the look and may go back to it. I chalk it up to vanity.

He said that he likes the look of a woman who wears glasses. I’ve stopped wearing contacts and adore the low-maintenance aspect, plus not having to throw empty plastic saline solution bottles into the trash.

He mentioned once that there was no need to wear high heels. Maybe it is because he is about an inch taller than me. Because I’ve never enjoyed wearing them, I’ve given away all pairs of heels except for two, which would only be worn at a special occasion. I have no issue appearing taller than he is. Otherwise, I love wearing flats.

All of the above can be changed. Should he ever suggest that I alter my body shape in some artificial way, then the answer would be ‘no’. And I’d bet my life that he never would.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

Like @perspicacious wrote, the only thing that stood out to me was the man not wanting the woman to use chopsticks. Everything else mentioned are things women of all ethnicities do, sometimes for themselves and sometimes for others.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

I would surmise it as a failure – it’s sad.

Trillian's avatar

@Hypocrisy_Central This isn’t acceptance that you are describing, and I sincerely doubt that the changes you mention are the only ones. I’m sure there are others that we aren’t reading, like, oh… maybe he wants her to moan more quietly, or not be so aggressive in bed, or shut up and speak when he gives her leave.
A man (or woman) who requires change like this in their partner will never be satisfied, and ultimately the relationship must fail. The other person will be making changes in themselves but the flaws are in the other person and no amount of change in the partner can compensate for that.

DarlingRhadamanthus's avatar

@Pied_Pfeffer…....I think your partner made suggestions. You thought about it and decided that you might like whatever the suggestion was. Some of the suggestions made your life a bit easier (no saline solution, no twisting your ankles in killer heels). He didn’t ask you to do anything radical….get injections here, get rid of that there, get your eye shape changed from an almond shaped eye to a more rounded one, etc. He was not attempting to change your ethnicity, to “erase your race” so to speak….which was what the posting was about initially. I wouldn’t do that for anyone.

I was referring to more drastic changes. I was not clear about that. This man wanted her to change everything and become “more American”. Your SO, just made personal suggestions as a friend would make…and certainly not anything that was going to slice you and dice you and leave you as a shadow of your former self.

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