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realscape's avatar

I keep thinking that my wife is going to die; is this normal?

Asked by realscape (119points) November 2nd, 2010

Whenever my wife leaves the house, goes on a road trip, or if we are apart, I can’t help but thinking that she might die. I don’t think (and I could be wrong) that this is a phobia for I am not greatly unsettled about the thought. I don’t feel anxious or worried, just confused. When I think about her being gone, I am not happy about it. Is this normal, or what?

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28 Answers

weeveeship's avatar

Is there any basis for this fear? e.g. Is your wife working someplace dangerous? Or does she have some sort of medical condition?

Welcome to Fluther, BTW.

realscape's avatar

She is a stay-at-home mom. Healthy.

9doomedtodie's avatar

My suggestion to you, Be positive. Try yourself busy in other things. Try to be involved yourself in things you like. So, You will refrain yourself from fear, phobia & concerns.

flutherother's avatar

It could be some issue from the past making you feel insecure and this is how the insecurity manifests itself. It is normal to love your wife and not want her to die and only if either of you feel it is becoming a problem should you consider getting help.

augustlan's avatar

Sounds like a form of separation anxiety, maybe. Your feelings are not that uncommon, but definitely not the norm, either. If this interferes with your life (or hers) in any major way, therapy would be a great idea.

john65pennington's avatar

I can only give you this answer:

My wife and i travel lot on the interstate system. every once in a while, she will tell me, “slow down, i feel danger ahead”. since she is averaging about 90% being correct, i listen to her when she makes this statement.

I, like you, do not understand where this is coming from. i have learned not to ignore my wife, while driving. i believe this is an omen for us. a warning from our guardian angels of trouble ahead.

Have you talked to your wife about this situation? if not, she needs to know this. you two need to discuss this at-length. the discussion just might ease your mind and your fears.

nebule's avatar

When walking my son to school…or anywhere in fact…I often imagine him jumping into the road or stumbling and falling into the road…or someone driving onto the pavement and my son getting killed… (I often see the very disturbing details as well…his head getting crushed etc.) I do think that this is a fear…maybe a phobia.

It certainly stems from the fact that I don’t want the most precious thing in my life to be taken away from me and it also indicates to me that I feel often out of control of what the future may hold, which I fear greatly.

I take steps to minimize my fear…practical steps like asking him to walk near me, not run so far ahead etc. However, I have to understand that I can’t let my fears rule either of our lives and he does need freedom and independence and I need to show him that I trust him, whilst educating him. It’s a difficult journey indeed.

What exactly are you worried about? Is it the same thing..the way in which you fear she might die? Do you have images?

Aster's avatar

I do this a lot. I hate it. It feels like OCD but I wonder why other people don’t do it.

mrentropy's avatar

I think it’s fairly normal, as long as it isn’t a crippling fear.

OpryLeigh's avatar

@nebule I can very much relate to your comment about “seeing” distubing images. I have a very similar fear when it comes to my partner and, like you said, it is a fear of having the most important thing taken away fom me and the lack of control I have of the future. This fear is sometimes crippling for me.

JustmeAman's avatar

When I was a young father I had the same dream several times. I was dreaming that my son and daughter were with me at the local amuzement ride place. They somehow get on the sky ride which goes up and over the park and then drops down the other side. In the dream the chain breaks and I’m running as fast as I can to catch them but I am just seconds too late and they fall right in front of me. I stopped having those dreams but it was awful back then not really sure why I had them though I think it was because I ended up divorced and control was taken from me with them. They are now grown and I see them all the time.

sanchezjk's avatar

It’s probably just the fact that you care so deeply about her. I felt the same about my ex-girlfriend when we were together. I would constantly worry about her when I wasn’t by her side but in the back of my mind I knew I was being silly worrying so much but I just couldn’t help it. Sounds to me like you have some very, very light case of anxiety issues with her. Not a bad thing of course, it happens when you care deeply about another person. I advise just talking to a professional about this and trying to calm your fears and worries. It’s not a bad thing that you care this much, but it isn’t normal either. Just try not to smother her with questions when she’s away from you.

CaptainHarley's avatar

These feelings could be due either to your feeling dependent on her to the point where you worry that your survival could be threatened should anything happen to her, OR to some sort of subconscious desire to be rid of her. Either way, it would help you to discuss this with a psychologist.

nicobanks's avatar

I think this is normal. I have these thoughts, too. I also don’t suffer anxiety from it, it doesn’t negatively affect my life, but like you I’m not happy about these thoughts…

autumnsunset's avatar

I have experienced the same thing. I think that some people have a very active mind. I think this can lead to OCD or anxiety. I have suffered from both in the past and am careful about not letting my mind just wonder aimlessly. I am also a Christian and believe in thinking on good things…but I will not go into that, not knowing where your feelings regarding Christianity.

MilkyWay's avatar

woah dude, you need to chill out. you must love her very much but hey, im sure she wouldnt want you to worry that much either. get yourself busy and if needed, talk to her about it.

Response moderated (Unhelpful)
Plucky's avatar

I don’t think it’s “abnormal” per se. My partner and I have been together for about 10 years. I have the same worries ..ever since she started driving to work after we moved. I think about it at least a couple times a week.
What do I do about it? We talk about it. I also try very hard to mentally picture her arriving safely. It doesn’t take the fear away completely, but it helps. I’m also working on learning to trust her defensive driving skills.

choppersangel's avatar

I used to worry about thoughts that I had like these. Pet being run over or hurt, Husband dying horribly in accident, best friend being found dead… Then I started talking about them, occasionally, with various friends. Turns out loads of people think similarly – as is shown by the answers above. Now, and especially since talking with a very sensible and wise Husband, who also has them, I take it as normal. And useful.

The problems that can arise from these thoughts are also discussed above, OCD, anxiety, fears that hang over into the rest of life. One way to divert this is simply to indulge the images that come to you – they are imaginary, they have no power, especially if you take it back for yourself. Have a good think about what the images represent: loss, loneliness, grief, shock etc then carry on with the fantasy – what if your wife did actually die? Who would be affected? Do you have funeral plans in place? Health or life insurance? It might simply make you feel less confused if you take control of the thoughts, take them to a logical conclusion and look at the realities of such a situation.

All of that need only take a few hours, perhaps less. Talk to your wife about your fears – it is a sign of your attachment and concern after all. It is not silly either. Life can end at any moment, blasting a great hole in the pattern of a family’s existence. Not to be taken for granted at any cost! Make a story out of it, turn it into a survival strategy, use the energy of your underlying worry for a set of contingency plans…

Maybe even have fun with it for heavens sake – and for all the other wobbly jellies here. Life is hard enough without worrying about worrying!

josie's avatar

She is going to die someday.
Hopefully not too soon.
If you can’t accept the fact that she will someday be gone, that is not normal.
If it is unlikely that it will be soon, and you still worry, that is not normal either.
You will be more comfortable if you can get a grip on the facts of reality. If you can not do it by yourself, talk to an expert.

realscape's avatar

I believe I need to clarify something in the details of my question. These thoughts I have do not cause me to break out in a sweat, give me ulcers, cause me to pace the floor. These thoughts don’t interfere with the regular routine of life either.

realscape's avatar

@CaptainHarley ”...rid of her.” I hope this is not the case with me…that would be disturbing. I have tried to search my own heart if such a thing were so, but the bottom line is, I wouldn’t know what to do without her.

realscape's avatar

@queenie I don’t need to “chill out” for I am not anxious over these thoughts at all. I would call it more of a fantasy, but ‘fantasy’ sounds like I enjoy the thoughts. Therefore, I wouldn’t call it that, but I wouldn’t call it ‘fear’ either.

CaptainHarley's avatar


Then it is probably the other option: you feel like you need her so much that you fear losing her.

mattbrowne's avatar

It looks like a mild form of phobia. If it doesn’t go away within the next few weeks, I’d consult a doctor.

choppersangel's avatar

@realscape my answer was quite long, but really, your own say it all – no worries! Natural stuff, loving concern, you sound pretty sorted. Maybe an overactive imagination is all! lol ;o)

citizen1's avatar

She is going to die. We all are. The only real question is ‘when’. The chances of her dying while on a trip without are very, very small. Most people die at home or near home. You just have to think positive and know that no news is good news and everything is okay. If something happens to her you will be among the first to be told. Try not to worry. Stay busy with a project that will divert your mind to other things.

mazingerz88's avatar

It’s NORMAL as long as it does not go on for months. If it starts to bother you more I would suggest engaging in any productive activity that will keep your brain busy. Also, just in case you are watching too many disturbing movies, tv shows or reading terrible news, separate yourself from all of that for now.

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