General Question

annaott22's avatar

How do you deal with a cheating spouse?

Asked by annaott22 (516points) April 10th, 2008

So the hubbie was caught in the apartment with a girl and called the cops on me. they escorted me off the property because my name wasn’t on the lease. hat would you do? Because cutting off his balls isn’t a safe way to stay out of jail. Help me think of a way to get back at him. Please…

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

39 Answers

annaott22's avatar

maybe not to get back at him just a way to deal with the pain. please I’m a wreck.

peedub's avatar

Wow, that’s awful. I take it there’s no chance you of salvaging your relationship, right?

Randy's avatar

Wow! I’m so sorry to hear this. It may not be what you want to hear, but time heals all. I can only think of one way to help you through this. Think of it this way, if he’s gonna do that, then he doesnt deserve you. I only know you from your Q&A here, but you seem like a sweet, smart girl. Marrage is about commitment and promises. If he dosn’t keep his word, what’s that say about him? See what I mean? I’m really sorry that happened to you. I wish there was a quick fix for problems like this, but there isn’t. I’m here if you need someone to talk to, and I’m sure the rest of the community is as well. It breaks my heart to see someone going through such a rough spot.

peedub's avatar

Probably not want you want to hear right now but acting vindictively isn’t going to help you in the long run. Try to calm down, if possible and think of what you’re plan is going to be as far as legalities. Get a good attorney. Of coarse you could stuff raw shellfish in his curtain rods or air ducts so that ‘his’ apartment gets so bad he will have to move out.

Randy's avatar

As far as revenge goes, don’t do anything you will regret later. It will be much better to just let it go and be the bigger person throughout the ordeal. I’m guessing, and hoping, that this is grounds for divorce. I have a question for you though, do you have children with this man? I’m hoping the answer is no, but if so, think of them. You should be their example at this point in time. Use this to teeth them
life lessons. Plus acting as an adult will help you win custody in a court battle. Again, I can’t stress enough how bad I feel for you at this point.

annaott22's avatar

I loved him with my entire heart. I would give him 1,000 chances with anything but this! Why do people stray? I’ve kept up my looks and body I don’t gain weight because I wanted to be the person he fell in love with. I wanted to stay attractive to him as he did with me there were never any signs.I’m just completely in awe I have no idea and he wouldn’t even talk to me like he was ashamed. Argh! I did everything for him!

@ Randy I have a child but he’s not the father so thats no problem.

peedub's avatar

That must be so frustrating. I can’t believe you had to leave, that’s chicken shit!

scubydoo's avatar

I’m sorry to hear that. it’s truely a shame at times when someone gives their ‘everything’ in a relationship to only be cought off-guard and lose the one they love. I myself have been in your shoes and lost the ‘love’ that I thought I’d be with forever. Unfortunately, like Randy sstated earlier, time is the only thing that will help heal. Just be careful with any actions you may do. don’t get yourself into any troubles that may come back to haunt you. revenge isn’t worth it. find some good friends and family members to be around. that can help.

Randy's avatar

I was thinking, being as you are his wife, you may have a case about not being on the lease. You are his wife, so its your home too. I don’t know why people do these things. I guess its the whole grass is greener thing. Don’t blame yourself for ANY of it though. He’s the one who made the choice to be an idiot.

annaott22's avatar

I didn’t have to work. So as of right now he kicked me and my child out on our asses now I’m at my parents and their disabled so it’s like having 3 kids and no job so I have to work to support 4 people But I guess it’s ok the parents did take care of me for 18 years so I can return the favor but for someone to put a 3 y/o out at the last minute he’s such an ass!

annaott22's avatar

I guess it’s like some of the questions asked on here like whats the definition of your soul mate I answered so truthfully and dug so deep in my heart to tell the world how he made me feel and then he just crushed my freakin heart!

Randy's avatar

Your child is three? I was trying to avoid this because I don’t know him and shouldnt pass judgement, but that guy is a sorry piece of shit! That just burns me up. Its bad enough that he did that to you, his wife, but a child that young? That is heartless! Things will get better, eventually. Just look to family and friends for help, like scubydoo said.

annaott22's avatar

I just hope I can get over this because I never saw it coming I couldn’t prepare my heart and I’m just completely clueless at the moment… but thanks for the pep talks you guys

DeezerQueue's avatar

You don’t say what state you’re in. If you’re married, you probably have some inherent rights and should seek them out.

You may love him, but how much do you love yourself? Have you lost yourself in this relationship/marriage? It almost sounds like it. It’s more important that you stay stable for your child right now and be thinking about them. Your child is watching your every move and teaching your child doesn’t end with crappy relationships, it begins with teaching them how to believe in and stand up for yourself without resorting to vindication as a coping mechanism.

It doesn’t really matter what kind of a cad he may or may not be, what is most important is to ask yourself who you are and whether or not dignity is part of your character.

If you take nothing else away from my response, then please take this: a solid relationship is based upon the maturity level of both parties, you cannot be responsible for another, only for yourself.

mcbealer's avatar

wow annaott22, I’m really sorry to hear about this. You mentioned your family, do you also have a faith-based family you can rely on?

No matter how much this hurts right now~ always remember that it is much better to find out now what an AdamHenry he is than to find out after many many years of unhappiness in a marriage that is a farce.

scamp's avatar

@annaott22 Oh honey, I am so sorry this happened to you. I’m at a loss for words right now. I can’t begin to imagine what you must be going through right now. I was all prepared to say something supportive like maybe this was a one time thing and you might be able to work things out, but then reading that he kicked you and your 3 year old out makes him seem worse than something I would scrape off of my shoe. I feel so bad for you. I just want to reach trough my monitor and hug your neck.

Kay's avatar

Having been through a divorce with an abusive asshole and worked for a women’s/victim’s non-profit agency, you do have marital rights to the home! Things vary by state but you and your child should not be kicked out of your home because he’s a cheating asshole. You need to remain calm at this time and not do anything that could be used against you in the divorce proceedings (trust me, I’ve been there, and I’ve been glad not to give into my desire to seek revenge, no matter how satisfying it would have felt).

If you can’t afford a lawyer, there are a lot of lawyers that do pro-bono work on divorces and the like, especially for women that can’t afford to hire one; a lot of them will also work at a discount rate.
Legal resources: Has links to state laws for divorce proceedings. The website is geared towards women escaping abusive situations, but it has a lot of good info on state divorce law. is a good legal resource as well.

The website has a lot of good info and links to other sites as well:

You also need to take care of yourself at this time!! Taking enough time to get a decent amount of sleep, eating decently, etc. See if you can get a friend/co-worker to baby-sit so you can have time to yourself to do what you need to do to get through this. This is one of the crappiest situations to be in (i’ve been there) but you are a lot stronger than you think you are. Feel free to message me; I have a lot more resources, etc about all of this stuff. HUGS

Bsilver's avatar

I’m so sorry to hear all this, and you have my sympathy. He doesn’t deserve someone as good hearted as you.

Everything happens for the better. Your child deserves a better role model that a charting husband. I don’t want to presume you’ll be ok anytime soon, but follow the suggestions of others on here and seek out your legal rights. We’re all here for you if you need us.

cwilbur's avatar

Call a lawyer. If you’re married to him, you should be on the lease.

In the long run – he was with another woman, and when you showed up, he called the police to have them take you away?

Relationships take two people to work. You can’t fix your broken relationship with this guy unilaterally; he has to participate. If he’s not interested in making it work, you can’t do it all by yourself. Figure out quickly whether you think he wants to make it work—you probably have a strong gut feeling about this right now—and if you think the answer is “no,” call a divorce lawyer and file for divorce.

trogdor_87's avatar

Get pregnant, then suck him dry with the child support.

scamp's avatar

@trogdor_87 How do you suggest she do that? She isn’t even living with him anymore. And do you really think she should create a new life under such pretenses? No one should get pregnant as a means of revenge.

RAMesesII's avatar

@trogdor87… You can’t be serious… But it is your opinion…

To the question at hand?
I honestly don’t know… My ex-gf cheated on me, and I just broke up with her then and there… But I had made it clear to her when we first got together my zero-tolerance policy…

The mindset I took was based on something my mom has reiterated to me throughout my life… “When someone shows you who they are… Believe them.”

I told her that I see the type of person she is, and though I will harbor no ill will (or at least try… I’m not going to be mean), I will react accordingly.
I do not go out of my way to talk to her, I don’t go through pains to help her.
I suggest you take the same mindset. Be humane, don’t be biased, don’t plot/attempt revenge, but make it clear that your attitude has changed towards him.

Despite my youth/lack of experience, I do understand that it hurts. It will take time to cope, and I wish you luck with your child and the new scenario… But do not allow this to affect you too much… Try to just take it in stride and move on…

(long winded, I know, sorry… But I wanted to make sure it was clear…ish, LOL)

mzgator's avatar

I am so sorry you were treated in this way. There is no excuse for his behavior toward you and your child. Cheaters are the worse scum on the face of the earth.

As others have said, try to remain calm and treat yourself good. You have done nothing wrong to deserve this.

I would look into finding an attorney fast. If you are sure you do not want to try to work it out and forgive him. I am not saying you should, it’s a personal choice. If divorce is your answer, an attorney may be able to get you back into your home. He may also be able to get you some kind of emergency financial support.

Good luck. My thoughts and prayers will be with you as you go through this. Stay strong!

trogdor_87's avatar

I was just kidding about the whole child support thing.

PupnTaco's avatar

divorce. :(

FlutherMother's avatar

Honey, my heart is aching for you! In my mind, I have various revenge scenarios (and yes – the rank meat in the heating ducts was one of them), but if you want to build a strong case in court, you need to watch your actions very carefully – even if he is the one being something I can’t print without being moderated. And being the bigger person is definitely something you should be for the long term – especially when being strong for your child. Please make sure you follow Kay’s advice on lawyers. Make sure, however, that when finding a lawyer, you do so through a woman’s organization like suggested. I am sure they have a list of lawyers that are sympathetic to women and would be more likely to work hard for you instead of pushing your case through thoughtlessly to get their pro bono work done. I would have suggested counciling BUT considering he called the police on you instead of giving you time to pack shows that he does not value your feelings at all or you. Don’t let your dispair with your current living situation push you into going back with him or getting into another relationship. I know that you might be tempted because you feel overwhelmed, but now, just try taking care of yourself and your little one. Things will get better. I promise you (and I have a friend who was in your exact situation except he went crazy because of drugs – literally, he has schizophrenia now – and she is just fine now). Take care of yourself, please and let us know how you are doing.

Spargett's avatar

Sorry to hear. You can’t blame yourself for other people’s issues. I highly doubt it had anything to do with how you look physically. It most likely boils down to the “greener grass” analogy. What he did was inexcusable, but that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you. People are capable of all kinds of stupid acts that contradict their true feelings.

I’m not trying to take anyone’s sids. Just trying to maybe help you understand where he could be possibly coming from. Don’t blame this on yourself. Try and hold your head high. And most importantly, don’t make any decisions right now. Whether it be giving him a second chance, or divorcing him. It’s just impossible to think clearly in a situation like this.

My best wishes go out to you.

scamp's avatar

@annaott22 I hope the love poured out for you in this thread has given you some encouragement. Give yourself some time before making any decisons that you may regret later on. You’ll be able to think more clearly as the days go by and be able to decide what is best for you and your child. We are all pulling for you and wish you the best.

@trogdor_87 She is in some serous pain, and it’s no joking matter.

TheCouncil's avatar

As someone who has been in a similiar situation there is only one good revenge. Leave his life utterly. You don’t need that kind of person anywhere around you. It will hurt and be painful but if you react, plot revenge, it will only give him the satisfaction that he has power over your feelings and that you do care. Don’t let him know how much you care by not letting him see that it bothers you. That will eat him up inside and makes you the better person. You are allowing him to live his life and make his mistakes (and trust me this isn’t the last one he will make) and you can work on healing yourself. If you have to see him for anything whether it be court or to get something just put on a smile like you are fine. That is the best revenge.

As for your pain, there is nothing that can be said that will help but know that you have a support system for you, and that with time you will heal. It may not feel like it now but it does get easier and you will slowly get the faith in yourself back that you once had. You will realize that you deserve and are worth better and you will find it. Keep your head up.

annaott22's avatar

As of right now I’m going through spells of complete anger then sadness and confusion. I still love this man with all of my heart and there has never been a point in my life where I haven’t in the time we’ve been together. I just can’t wrap my brain around this I’m so sick to my stomach I cant eat I cant sleep I see and hear things that just make me break down and all I can wonder is when is all this pain going to get easier when will i be able to put my male up on again without worrying if I’m going to cry it all off when is my little one going to stop asking why we moved and why didn’t Brandon come She’s young enough that later in life she won’t remember it but I always will and I will always be so guarded and never want to give my heart away. Im still a wreck.

scamp's avatar

I am in tears reading this. My heart aches for you sweetie.

mzgator's avatar

I think I can speak for everyone who has posted answers to your question. You definitely have a strong support group here if you ever need kind words to boost you up during this terrible time in your life. If you ever need to talk or vent or whatever, please feel free to contact me. I will try to help if I can.

I hope you have a good night. Take care.

boffin's avatar

I agree with “PupnTaco”
Cut your losses and move on….
That usually means divorce…
Remember not all guys are scum…
@mzgator is correct in that we here are a pretty tight group.
You are not alone….
I wish and hope for you the best…
Take care

syntak's avatar

punch him in the balls and make off with his money.

iceblu's avatar

the way of old yeller’ ...

scubydoo's avatar

yea, it may not be able to be completely comprehended now but in time your heart will mend . thats not to say it will completely mend. each of us deal differently with bad relationships. some can easily get over them and others take more time. Not being able to sleep, eat, being angry, confused, sick feeling, etc are all part of your nerves. I myself was like that also with my last major relationship when we split. Just know you aren’t alone. Just hang in there and remember TIME is the only thing that helps. Plus Make sure you’re in good company with friends and loved ones through this period.

FlutherMother's avatar

I also want you to know that there may be a time when he will try to pin the blame for his cheating on your shoulders. He will try to justify his behavior by saying you did or didn’t do something or your were or were not something. I am sure anyone in your position can attest to their cheater saying “I wouldn’t have cheated if you gave me sex every day”, or “I wouldn’t have cheated if you didn’t nag me.” (or you were not blonde, or your didn’t make dinner – blah, blah, blah – I am sure you get the picture – he could use anything). Whatever he tells you is a blatent lie. You may not have been perfect (no one is!), and maybe he might have some legitimate issues with your relationship. But regardless of any of that – he, and only he, is responsible for his behavior. He CHOSE to take that step and unless you stood behind him with a literal rifle and forced him, you are not responsible. If he felt that there was something he needed in this relationship that he wasn’t getting from yours, there are many other more ethical options (such as counseling) and he could have chosen them. So don’t let him every tear you down in an effort to make himself look the saintly, put-upon person in this relationship. Just figure I would toss that in for your consideration as you deal with this. Good luck and remember there are many Flutherites who are sending you virtual hugs and will support you no matter how you choose to resolve this relationship.

Lucy's avatar

I want to know the reason that he gave you for having another girl at the apartment…What did he say? Did you ever cheat on him before he did this to you or do anything to cause him to act in a revengeful manner?

babygalll's avatar

Hopefully Lorena Bobbitt isn’t here giving her opinion!

Answer this question




to answer.

This question is in the General Section. Responses must be helpful and on-topic.

Your answer will be saved while you login or join.

Have a question? Ask Fluther!

What do you know more about?
Knowledge Networking @ Fluther