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Alina99's avatar

My husband left me for an 18 year old girl after my birthday, what do I do?

Asked by Alina99 (72points) November 21st, 2016

I just found out my husband has been cheating/having an affair with an 18 year old girl he met online.

I feel completely heartbroken and don’t know what to do. We built a life together. I feel utterly crushed and broken.

I don’t know what to do.

After this we broke up recently and separated ways. I do not know what to do now. We are talking about divorce.

He left me for an 18 year old girl. I feel broken. I am only 27 and attractive, beautiful, pretty, slim in great shape, etc. My husband is 36. I thought our love was solid but I guess I was wrong.

I’ve been drinking for the past few days, sleeping and smoking.

I don’t know how to move on from my life when I believed he was “The One”....................... I don’t know what to do. How can I move on or get over this? Is there a way to get him back? Is this a phase with him ? I’ve been freaking out and crying.

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72 Answers

Zaku's avatar

Be glad you found out as soon as you did.

I don’t know either of you but my guess is it’s better to take the opportunity to get out of a relationship whose reality is not what you want.

Alina99's avatar

Should I just pack up my bags, block him from everywhere, and move on? I feel so dead right now.

I feel like I wasted years of my life, love, body, soul to someone who did not deserve it. I feel like a failure.

Alina99's avatar

@Zaku

True. I want to die though.

Pachy's avatar

Try to deal with immediate practicalities first, with your grief later. You need legal guidance. Find an attorney.

Zaku's avatar

What has worked for me is to realize that the parts of relationships I was really attached to were really good – and also not what the actual relationship & person really were, or at most it was only what they partly were. And, that the good parts were all still things with me. The possibility of me in a great relationship that I would love, especially if it didn’t have the parts I hadn’t seen, that were true about the relationship and the other person, and that made it only make sense to move on. But I could see it wasn’t really about losing something real, because the reality was different and the good parts I loved were still there with me and available as possibilities for new relationships.

RedDeerGuy1's avatar

~Tell her parents? ~

Zaku's avatar

It also let me see clearly, when people asked me “would you ever get back with X?” all the reasons why not and what would have to be different.

It can really help to get as much distance and separation as you can to see clearly and have it be that if you do nothing, you won’t be with them, rather than the reverse. When in a marriage, doing nothing from being hurt/paralyzed can lead to staying in the marriage and being in denial, fooling oneself, etc. After I knew I had to leave my marriage, I ended up staying in for way way too long. I would have been much better off if I’d just walked away immediately.

Alina99's avatar

@RedDeerGuy1

Believe me I would if I had her information, he won’t let me see text messages, her number, or her picture.

Alina99's avatar

@Zaku

Did you find someone else? Did you get remarried?

Alina99's avatar

@Zaku

This:

“After I knew I had to leave my marriage, I ended up staying in for way way too long”

I completely understand how you feel :(

I feel so stupid for staying as long as I did.

Did you ever blame yourself ?

Hawaii_Jake's avatar

@Alina99 You are doing all the right things. You are in shock right now, and you need to let it play itself out.

However, you need to do just 2 things today to help yourself.

1. Call a therapist.
2. Call an attorney.

The therapist will help you with your shock and grief. S/He will give you ideas for how to cope with your terrible loss.

The attorney will help you with the very important work of getting a divorce.

All you have to do today is make the calls. Nothing else is required. Just pick up the phone and call.

After you make the calls, you can go back to grieving. There is nothing wrong with grieving. You’ve had a terrible loss. This is tragedy for you. There is nothing wrong with how you feel.

tinyfaery's avatar

See a therapist. Do this before you do anything else. You do not seem in a good space and it is worrisome.

si3tech's avatar

@Alina99 I can only imagine how completely devastated you are. I agree with @tinyfaery who suggests you see a therapist before doing anything else. My thoughts are with you. Hugs

elbanditoroso's avatar

I agree with the advice of the others, but I want to add a couple of comments of my own.

Revenge is a waste of time and emotion. Don’t waste time on it.

Second, do you want him back? Knowing what he did, should you just move on? What would be different?

chyna's avatar

Do not leave your home. See a lawyer first. If you leave and he takes the home back over, you may not have any rights to get your home back.
Welcome to Fluther. Listen to the above advice. The people on this site give great advice and really care.

Zaku's avatar

Yes, I did blame myself. And I felt a lot of regret and hopelessness and various other flavors of upset and sadness. Now I’m pretty content about it. I definitely wish I could go back and change what I did. I wish I had known to follow my gut feelings and act right away and not get talked out of following my core feelings by myself or by her. So I wouldn’t really call it blaming myself any more, and it doesn’t bother me.

And yes, I did find much better relationships after the divorce. I had one other that was great but also didn’t turn out how I thought it was, but that was much easier and made sense. And another that looks like I’m all set. :-)

cinnamonk's avatar

I am so sorry you are going through this. I can’t imagine how hurt you are feeling right now. I have nothing to offer you except my deepest sympathy and virtual hugs.

janbb's avatar

My Ex walked out after we raised two kids together. We were married for 37 years. It was a blow from which I’ll never completely recover but i have built a great new life for myself and become a much stronger, more giving person. The pain is immeseurable at first but being passive is not an option. Get a therapsit and talk to a lawyer. You don’t need to take any legal action yet but getting advice is reassuring.

I don’t know your living situation but i would tend to advise you notto leave your house. Maybe you can get him to leave?

Hugs!

Earthbound_Misfit's avatar

I am so sorry you’re going through this @Alina99. It’s such a terrible experience and it shakes the foundations of your self-esteem. Please take the advice above. Find a good lawyer and look after your practical and financial needs first. Don’t move out of your home. While thinking about your future security is probably the last thing you want to consider right now, you do need to get some advice. You have to assume your ex does not have your best interests at heart and you need someone who can help you to navigate your separation.

You also need some emotional support, so do find a counsellor/therapist. Someone outside of the situation who can help you get through this. It’s going to hurt for a long time, but you can get through this. Also, you mentioned how beautiful and lovely you are, and I’m very sure you are lovely. This is most likely not about you, and more about him and his desires and needs. So don’t allow his behaviour to destroy your self-esteem.

Keep talking to us. Many of us have been through separations and divorces.

RedDeerGuy1's avatar

@Alina99 What do you know of this girl? Could your husband be making it all up to make you jealous? I’m not trying to be a jerk. I agree that it is good to know before you got a deeper and longer ccommitment. I heard a saying that a man is only loyal as his options. Your husband can still get dumped by this girl and he might come back wounded.

josie's avatar

It’s one thing to sympathize with you, which I do.
It’s another to answer your question-No real way to answer until you say what you think your choices are.

Alina99's avatar

Thank you everyone for the advice. Everyone was very insightful and I am going to call a therapist and lawyer. I haven’t left the house believe me. I’ve been drinking, smoking, crying, I haven’t eaten in 2 days, I feel like my entire world has crumbled. I don’t know what I did wrong. I tried so hard. I feel like such a failure. I put in so much work, life, and love into that relationship. I feel so betrayed and stupid. So many good guys I turned down before and with him. Is this a phase for him??? Is he going to marry her, have kids with her and grow old with her ??? How can love exist after this when I believed it’s true love? He said he can’t even bring her around his family/brothers/parents because she’s so young :( I asked him if they were dating and he said no he just wants sex from her ??? But he has her picture on his phone??? I want to fucking die. I put in SO MUCH WORK into this marriage. I put my blood, sweat, tears into this. Sorry I’m rambling so much. I don’t even want to read this. Should I completely cut if off with him and not ever answer his calls or texts anymore??? I feel so heartbreoken. I feel like I want to die in my wedding dress. Am I just a crybaby???

Cruiser's avatar

Getting over the shock should be your priority. When I had a similar surprise from my ex…I took care of myself for once. I went to the gym everyday and got into the best shape of my life. I worked my job, worked out after work and chilled at a local bar. Anything to stay moving. After time the dust settled, focusing on myself and no longer blaming myself for the divorce was critical to moving on. Just remember you are you….and as you said attractive, beautiful, pretty, slim in great shape, etc. Don’t let this experience destroy you and instead let it make you stronger and more aware of who you are and what you want in the years ahead. Good luck.

Alina99's avatar

@RedDeerGuy1

The only thing I know so far is that she’s 18, lives with her parents I think, she’s a little bit chubbier than me, but he said I’m cuter than her ??? He showed me a picture of her making out with her friend :( :( :( :( :( :( He said they had sex in his car across a high school 30 from our home…........ I feel so disgusted and hurt. He said they had sex without a condom. I want to die. 2 weeks ago he said he loved me, he said he wanted to put a baby in me, we were hanging out with one of his best friends, etc.

Alina99's avatar

@Cruiser Thanks, you know how it feels too, it’s a pretty shitty feeling….......... Guess it’s universal pain :( I should go to the gym and socialize more… Hang out with friends. If I tell them about the divorce I don’t want to sound like a complete failure. I’m kind of worried too.

Alina99's avatar

This is definitely a shock to me. I don’t really want to tell anyone about this situation which is pretty horrible. My ego is completely bruised. Even though I’m way prettier than her and in great shape (I’m not trying to sound cocky). My love wasn’t enough for him and that’s just a reality I’m going to have to realize. I’ve been drinking and smoking to not deal with reality. A lot of you guys have gone through this too. This is horrible.

jca's avatar

@Alina99: What kind of guy is your husband to show you a photo of the girl and talk to you about her looks? What kind of guy does that sound like he is?

Alina99's avatar

@si3tech I feel completely dead and numb. I don’t think I can feel love after this. I feel very bitter. I’m better than her. I had good looking, hard working nice responsible men try to talk to me and I ignored them for him :( :( I mean really stand up men. I feel stupid.

But it’s comforting that a lot of people have gone through this also. I feel like none of it mattered. The years together. The work put into it. The memories. Should I throw my wedding ring out ?????

I haven’t burned our framed pictures together yet….......... or any of the things he’s gotten me over the years….......... I want to burn everything….................... I’m so pissed and hurt. A part of me wants to burn everything and completely forget he even existed….................. Move somewhere new….............. ANOTHER part of me still wants us together and I want it to work. I’m so hurt.

SecondHandStoke's avatar

What THEY have done is NOT a reflection on you.

Their actions do not define who you are.

They are not your problem from an emotional standpoint.

You need competent psychological and legal council.

I’m very sorry, obviously this hurts.

Give yourself permission to lick your wounds by indulging as you have described above.

As long as you get and follow professional advice.

You WILL find and feel love again, but please don’t rush or force it.

Alina99's avatar

@jca Believe me I’m definitely heartbroken and in shock by this behavior. I am completely sick to my stomach and want to die. He called me fat a few times even though I’m only 108 pounds, but this girl he showed me a picture of….... She looked 20 pounds heavy. I know it’s stupid to talk about looks or this. A lot of guys were after men and I blew them off for him. Yes I feel stupid. I thought it was true love. I did not think he would cheat and leave me for her ?????????? I’m in shock and feel so dead for having to start a new life.

Alina99's avatar

@josie

I feel sick to my stomach. Literally. I want to move, start a new life, completely forget he even existed or we married in the first place. Start fresh. I can not imagine life without him. It’s so hurtful he could easily toss me aside. I’ll talk to people and see what I should do. I don’t ever want to see him again in my entire life or hear from him again. I feel dead. Another feeling is I still love him and because we’ve built a life together. He’s just tossing me aside for her???? Is it permanent with them or just a phase???? I still love him. But I hate him too so much. I have so much hate in me right now.

RedDeerGuy1's avatar

@Alina99 Hell even Alladin lied to princess Jasmine. Lying is normal in a healthy relationship. Cheating not normal but it happens. You are normal. Best to use the public health resources available to you. “Best wishes”.
: )

Alina99's avatar

@elbanditoroso

That’s the thing, I don’t know or think things will be different. I think it’s completely broken now. How can I ever be with him again? Or make love to him? They’ve been having sex without a condom??? I don’t want STD’s. I’m so hurt. A part of me still feels love because we built a life. I feel a lot of hate too.

Alina99's avatar

@janbb Thank you for your advice and I’m so sorry. I feel my entire world has collapsed.

RedDeerGuy1's avatar

I would ask for time off for a mental health day. Have a pizza and seek free mental health counseling. Crap happens. “Best wishes ” : )

ZEPHYRA's avatar

The man sounds sick and spineless. I would be so disgusted by him that I wouldn’t want him within a mile of me! Don’t EVER trust him again no matter what he says. He is able to do this again and again. Believe me, she won’t last long and it will soon be over. Swear to yourself that you won’t open the door to him ever again.
You were lucky in your bad luck to get rid of him, great riddance. Now focus on yourself and don’t sell yourself short. Throw a party and celebrate the fact that it happened now rather than later on in middle age and with children to share the pain. Love yourself, take care and don’t so much as look in his dirty direction.

Earthbound_Misfit's avatar

I want to go through some of the points you’ve made.

I’ve been drinking, smoking, crying, I haven’t eaten in 2 days.

As much as drinking, smoking and not eating feels like an escape, it will just make it harder for you. Be conscious of how much you’re drinking and don’t let alcohol become a crutch. I know it feels better to be anaethetised, but in the long run, it won’t help and it might harm if you drunk text or make decisions while you’re not sober. So be kind to yourself. Stay healthy.

I feel like my entire world has crumbled.

Not your whole world. Your marriage. And that’s awful and it hurts and yes, you feel betrayed. You have been betrayed. Let yourself grieve. That’s what you’re going through now. The grieving process. This is why a therapist will really help. You can and will survive this. He is a part of your world, not the whole. You are worth more than just your marriage.

I don’t know what I did wrong. I tried so hard. I feel like such a failure. I put in so much work, life, and love into that relationship. I feel so betrayed and stupid.

You quite possibly did nothing wrong. You are not a failure. Yes, he’s betrayed you, but you aren’t stupid. This may not even be about you. He says he just wants to use this person for sex. So, it’s not because she’s better than you. It’s about him and his needs. He sounds quite narcissistic.

So many good guys I turned down before and with him. Is this a phase for him??? Is he going to marry her, have kids with her and grow old with her ??? How can love exist after this when I believed it’s true love? He said he can’t even bring her around his family/brothers/parents because she’s so young :( I asked him if they were dating and he said no he just wants sex from her ??? But he has her picture on his phone???

Right now, you’re focused on her and him and the whys? What he does? What he wants? Where he goes from now on? These things are not something you can control and aren’t something you should concern yourself with. Easier said than done. Try not to FB stalk him. Try not to focus on what he’s doing. Focus on you and healing you.

I want to fucking die.

No, you don’t. He’s not worth your life. He isn’t your life. He’s a part of your life. You have a future. Do you work? Do you have a career? Do you have children? Do you want children? You have so much life left to live. And it will be a good life and one day, one of those nice guys you passed up will come knocking and you’ll pick up the pieces.

Turn your phone off for now. In time you will have things you need to discuss with him. For now, reach out to your friends. Do you have supportive friends and family? Call them. Let them help you. You don’t owe him anything right now. You do owe yourself the time to grieve and heal. You really are going to get through this.

chyna's avatar

I’m very concerned that he had unprotected sex with this girl. If you had sex with him after that, you need to get checked for sexually transmitted diseases. Sorry to bring that up, but it’s a very real concern.

janbb's avatar

@Alina99 i lost 7 pounds in three weeks when my Ex left because I could hardly eat. I remember howling on the stairs in pain. But i did keep moving. I talked and spent time with friends, i joined a singles walking group, i worked and consulted a lawyer. I know you will do those things too.just realize that the drinking and smoking and not eating are not good to stick with. And shame, while i still feel it a bit is not productive.

I think couples can get past an affair but his behavior at this point is really slimey. You may not want to hear it now but you really will be better off without him.

And the fact that good men have found you attractive means other men will to in the future. Just give yourself time and keep moving.

You might want to look for a divorce support group in your area. They can be a big help. You can usually find one, and other singles groups on meetup.com.

Cruiser's avatar

You know @Alina99 Looking back the one thing that was indeed all consuming for me was appearing broken or a failure because of my divorce. My ex walked out weeks before the holidays so I dished all sorts of excuses why my wife was not at the holiday parties as I was so not ready to deal with or accept the craziness that was unfolding in my life. A happy face was the last mask I wanted to wear…I truly do fee your pain. Exercising and getting out of the house and treating myself to the little things I had brushed aside for the sake of her were much needed salve during a crazy difficult time. You also find out who your real friends are during a life moment like this.

I found married couples I know felt I was a threat/damaged goods where I no longer fit with them and single knuckleheads were too foot loose for where I wanted to be. I kept my life to me and live one day at a time. A least unexpected time and I mean LEAST unexpected time was when I crossed paths with my current wife….25 years later we both have kept our senses of humor through these rocky roads of life. Good luck.

Alina99's avatar

I cried reading everyone’s responses. This is so painful. Thank you for the responses and kind messages.

Alina99's avatar

@Zaku

I wish I followed my gut feelings as well :(

Alina99's avatar

@ZEPHYRA

Yes absolutely spineless. I am shocked. I feel disgusted to my stomach and heartbroken.

Alina99's avatar

@ZEPHYRA

I lasted for a long time and years with him :( :( :(

As horrible as this sounds as much as I’m heartbroken and devastated, I don’t want him to love her. I want him to come back to me. I am selfish. They just met 2 weeks ago. I hope they don’t last long but maybe they will. I am heartbroken. I’ve been crying and balling my eyes out writing back to everyone’s responses. I just have to pick up the pieces. Do you think I should block his phone number from mine???? I feel so used and tossed aside.

Years of marriage, love, everything taken away. He said they’ve just known each other for 2 weeks. I don’t even know if I can believe that. I am selfish I don’t want them to last long. I want her to feel my pain or know he’s a piece of crap scumbag. I’m super emotional right now.

Alina99's avatar

@chyna

Yes he did have unprotected sex with her, he told me. I believe him. He’s disgusting. He said he just met her online 2 weeks ago supposedly???? No I don’t want STD’s believe me. I’m heartbroken. Maybe he loves her. Maybe he’s a different person with her. I don’t want them to fall in love or be together :( :( I will and need to get checked yes. I feel so hurt. I’m heartbroken.

He has her picture in his phone he said. He doesn’t care about me now. He tossed me aside for an 18 year old ??? This is insane to me.

ZEPHYRA's avatar

Block his number? Block his existence right out of your life. Get some much needed sleep and then if you can, reach out and ask for friends’ and families’ help, you need support now.
Because I know his type, mark my words he will be back begging for forgiveness at some point. If you have any self-respect left, please send him back where he came from. Gather your strength and get him out of your life completely. He is trouble and will only cause you more pain.

CWOTUS's avatar

I agree with @Hawaii_Jake here. You need to be able to deal with your grief constructively first before you start to make permanent and irrevocable long term decisions and plans.

Unofficial_Member's avatar

I have read all the great answers above. If I may add, I say you can channel your frustration and anger in to revenge. Ask a friend or someone of 18 years old or richer than him, pretend you’re having relationship with this person, let your ex know, bring this person in front of your ex and parade your closeness in front of his face. Insinuate him. Provoke his jealousy. Make him feel like it’s his lost.

I have also think of another good way to make him pay. Tell him that you thank him for doing this to you as now you won’t feel guilty anymore for cheating on him with your other exes (you lie, of course). Tell him you didn’t tell him earlier because you didn’t want to hurt his feeling. So he’ll know he’s the one actually being fooled.

Well, if you have some time to spend for fun I highly suggest you to do it either before or after visiting your therapist/attorney.

jca's avatar

I think playing games to make him jealous is juvenile and a silly waste of energy and thought.

I also think you’re focusing too much on the other woman. I know you are hurting but there’s some reason why he went for her and you’re not going to figure it out. Her looks, her being heavier than you are, whatever he says about her, try to get it out of your mind. See the attorney and see the therapist as others have suggested so you can start to process and heal. The attorney is to protect yourself legally and financially which is important, too.

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janbb's avatar

@Unofficial_Member ‘s advice isn’t good for another reason. If you’re state doesn’t have no fault divorce, you want him to remain the guilty party. Don’t play games- just take careof yourself.

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gorillapaws's avatar

I haven’t read other responses, and I’m sure others have covered it but..

1. This guy is an asshole. I’m sorry this happened, but be grateful you found out earlier than later.

2. Don’t blame yourself. Any 36-year-old guy dating an 18-year-old is an asshole. One that’s doing so while cheating on his wife is a mega-asshole. The problem is him, not you.

3. Get a lawyer and divorce his ass.

4. Move on and find a decent guy. There are many out there.

I’m sorry this happened to you. Best wishes for your future. Good luck and stay strong.

MollyMcGuire's avatar

OK. 24 hours more for your boo hoo hoo session then get yourself up and proceed with life. Address your living situation first, and now your employment. If that is all good get busy with getting this person out of your life. Don’t dream of him coming back. You don’t want someone who can do what he has done. I wish you luck but I can’t stress enough the importance you you getting on with it. You must create your own niche and find your own happiness. You belong to you; now take care of you.

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elbanditoroso's avatar

Wish her a happy 19th birthday next year.

Three years have passed. Where are we now?

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