Social Question

malldesdoonie's avatar

Why do men stand women up as opposed to just saying youre not coming?

Asked by malldesdoonie (123points) March 13th, 2011

If been talking to this guy, and we have alot in common whenever we speak on the phone we’re always laughing about something. When he comes over we cuddle n watch tv and just chill, but lately when I ask him to come over he says he’s coming but doesn’t show up. He’s done this 3 times in a row, he also stood me up on our date any ideas any one?

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22 Answers

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

It because he’s a jerk
There is no reason to wonder why or waste any more time on him.There are other guys out there who will treat you with the consideration and respect you deserve. :)

tedd's avatar

Girls do it too, so really its more of a “people” problem than a guy problem. And its because they’re non-committal, unsure, jerks, or any number of other things.

You should learn quickly to not deal with people like that, they typically aren’t good significant others (assuming you can even get them to BE significant others).

stardust's avatar

Sounds like a prat. Move on and meet someone more deserving of you!

Cruiser's avatar

He’s either married or works for the CIA or FBI or simply is not into you. Those are the most obvious reasons, if you find out the real reason please do share.

marinelife's avatar

He’s not interested. Dump him. (Why did you let it happen three times?)

answerjill's avatar

Sorry to say, but “He’s Just Not That Into You.” (Book is recommended, too.)

jca's avatar

by tolerating this behavior and continuing to converse with him and continuing to make dates with him, you are making yourself look desperate. there are too many fish in the sea to be disrespected in this way. especially with cell phones, texting, regular phones, etc. there is no excuse for someone to not tell you that they can’t show. Furthermore, 3 times even if he did have an excuse is not forgivable.

JilltheTooth's avatar

Rude is rude no matter who it is. Don’t make any more plans with this person.

Seelix's avatar

You deserve better than this. Get over him and find someone who respects you.

meagan's avatar

Women do this, too. He probably just lost interest. There are bad apples in every barrel.

Coloma's avatar

There is no excuse for disrespectful behavior.
Not showing up and not calling is not only rude & inconsiderate it is an omen of far worse things to come.

Why is it that so many women make excuses for inexcusable behaviors?


Lightlyseared's avatar

Because they are weak minded and know if they turned up they’d probably end up married before they’d picked up the courage to mention they didn’t want to date the girl.

nikkiduq's avatar

He’s just not that into you, honey.

MilkyWay's avatar

It is a possibility that he’s just not that interested in you but there is also a possibilty of him not being able to….
Before making the decision of just dumping him try to find out why he couldn’t or didn’t come to you when he was supposed to. From there, you can make a judgment. : )

josie's avatar

Isn’t that a sexist question?
Maybe he was put off by your sexism and decided to pay you back.
Or maybe, like they already said he is not interested, plus he is inconsiderate


@josie I agree with you. If that question was turned the other way, I’m sure we men would get a negative earful here. Good answer.

I think women who have been stood-up by men focus on it more intently than men do if they were stood-up, so those times when they “do” get stood-up, they tend to over-generalize and say all or most men do that. I hate to say this, but women tend to think and react with their emotions more than we men do. Men are better at brushing-off things and letting things go.

chyna's avatar

Anyone, man or woman, that does that is not worthy of your time. Everyone has access to a phone, so there is no excuse to not call. A jerk is a jerk and this person is a jerk.

Kardamom's avatar

Because you are in a super-casual non-committed relationship with a guy who’s simply not that interested in you (and he’s a jerk just because even if the other parts are true, people shouldn’t say they’ll meet you and then not show up, it’s not polite, no matter who’s doing it).

It’s sounds like what you’ve got with this guy is a “friends with benefits” kind of thing (even if you haven’t yet or won’t ever have sex). He’s not your boyfriend, so he’s probably getting loving and cuddling elsewhere too.

You have a few choices about what to do about it:

1. Next time he comes over, have a frank discussion about your “relationship” with him. If you want a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with him, you need to tell him that, and that you have strong feelings about him and that you want to know how he feels about you (don’t accept any wishy washy sorts of answers like, “I like you, you know that. ” or “It’s fun hanging out with you.” without any sort of real idea about where you and he stand. Be prepared for the potentiality of his dumping you on the spot or his attempting to place blame on you for “blowing everything out of proportion” or trying to smooth things over with sweet talk and not fixing the problem. If you really want a “real” relationship with this fellow, you need to let him know how bad it makes you feel when he says he’ll come over and then doesn’t show up. The way he reacts when you tell him that will tell you a lot about his character. He’s likely to take one of two approaches. Either he’ll say something like, “I’m so sorry that I’ve been acting like a jerk, how can I make it up to you?” or “What’s your problem? What the big deal? I’m not your boyfriend! Why are you being so possessive?”

2. You can tell him that you enjoy his company, but you feel like you’re in a kind of a limbo situation with him. Not really together as a couple, but more than just friends and then ask him what he wants to do about it. But also let him know that you feel really crappy (your feelings are hurt) and annoyed (because you feel like you’re waiting on him and can’t make other plans) when he says he’s coming over and then doesn’t. You might suggest that you two remain friends, but cool it with the cuddling and other physical stuff, because you are, in fact, just friends at this point. Let his reactions and words be your guide as to what to do next.

3. Drop this guy like a hot rock. If he calls to ask if he can come over, very casually let him know that you don’t think it’s a good idea for the two of you to hang out any more because you don’t really see this relationship going anywhere and you think that it’s just a little bit too casual for your taste. He may say “That’s cool.” and you’ll never hear from him again, or he might say, “What’s your problem? We’re just friends, you shouldn’t read more into things!” or he might say, “But I like hanging out with you, can’t we just hang out?” To which you should reply, “It was fun, but no.”

seazen_'s avatar

Guys are pigs, pussies and dogs – when they do that.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

That’s not a man you’ve been talking to, that’s loser. A man or woman of respect would have called to cancel.

blueiiznh's avatar

As I have answered a few times,
Guys can be real dicks.
You deserve better. There is no excuse for being treated like that.

lonelydragon's avatar

He doesn’t want to cancel ahead of time because he wants you there as a back up in case he finds nothing better to do. That is not to say that your time isn’t worthwhile. It is, and you should give no more time to this guy. Choose someone whom you know wants to spend time with you.

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