Social Question

ParaParaYukiko's avatar

Should I avoid my ex and his new SO at an event with our mutual friends?

Asked by ParaParaYukiko (6111points) March 30th, 2011

I don’t usually ask Fluther for personal advice, but I’m really stuck on this.

My SO of 2.5 years and I broke it off almost four months ago. It was a very messy breakup and we basically haven’t spoken since then.

Every year for several years, the two of us have gone to an anime convention with a group of friends and stayed in a hotel near the convention center. Now, we knew things were going to be a bit awkward with the breakup and everything, but with two hotel rooms we thought things would be okay-ish since we could have some distance, and the group is big enough that we wouldn’t have to interact that much.

Just yesterday I found out that my ex has a new girlfriend. Not only is she several years younger than him and they’ve known each other for about a month, but he’s bringing her to the convention. Needless to say I’m pretty upset about it. I was the one who initiated the breakup, but still… it’s hard to see him with someone else. I spoke to him about it last night (for the first time since the breakup) and he said that he was not going to make any sacrifices to have a good time, even if it meant making me uncomfortable. He says that what he is doing does not compare to how I hurt him with the breakup.

Now, my dilemma is whether or not to stay in the hotel rooms with the group of friends. My sister lives nearby and offered to let me stay at her house, as well as a good friend. Not staying at the hotel means getting back about $100, but it also means less interaction with my friends. One of my girlfriends said that I should grin and bear it, otherwise it shows he’s won. But I don’t want to ruin my experience at the convention and make things awkward for my and my ex’s mutual friends. I was up all night thinking about this and crying off and on; I don’t want to be miserable at an event I’ve looked forward to all year!

Is my ex being insensitive for doing this, or does he have the right to bring his new girlfriend? Should I stay at the hotel and bear seeing my ex with his new SO and risk being miserable, or stay with my sister and leave my friends?

Sorry for the long message, I would appreciate any advice.

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23 Answers

john65pennington's avatar

Stay with your sister. Even though you two are not together, you still have two and a half years together and that is not going anywhere. You may not believe this, but at the convention you will be constantly looking for him and his new girlfriend. I believe he brought her along just to spite you.

This trip may have some personal feelings for you.

MilkyWay's avatar

I would say that you should stay with your friends at the hotel. I’m sure you’ll enjoy being with them and if you go stay with your sister,you’ll be constantly thinking about what is going on up there in the hotel and you’ll have more time to ponder about your ex.
At least being with your friends will give you some distraction.
What’s done, is done. You and him are now over so there’s no point in being hurt by him. He’s doing this on purpose to ruin your fun and I think you should be brave and go. Have fun at the convention like you do, and hope this helps : )
Go gett em!

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

I would stay with your friends at the hotel.Don’t wimp out now.Just go and have fun! Who cares what he is doing? :)
As for him being insensitive?? No.
Life goes on.

bolwerk's avatar

He has a right to bring his girlfriend, as this is a group outing, but it sounds like he’s being insensitive too. Not sure what you did (or he says you did) to him, but my advice would be to avoid this entirely if it’s just causing this much stress.

creative1's avatar

I honestly think he is just bringing her to get back at you for hurting you for breaking up with him. I would NOT let him see you sweat about it because all you are doing is showing him that he suceeded. I think you should try to go to the hotel and see how you feel hanging with all your friends with your chin held high and talk to your sister who lives close by that you may need to drop by unexpectedly to stay there if things aren’t going well at the hotel. I know you can do this, It will be hard to be around him but if you get into hanging with your friends and just go do your own thing it may not feel so bad. I am sorry he is being like this to you. You deserve better and you knew it thats why you broke up with him, so keep telling yourself that.

bolwerk's avatar

I suspect this guy is being dickish at some level, but it’s a lot of effort to bring someone somewhere just to “get back” at an ex. Being dickish and acting out maliciously isn’t something most people are incapable of, so it’s not fair to just automatically assume the other ex-boyfriend in the above scenario is scum.

So, @creative1, I wouldn’t make assumptions that only the ex-boyfriend is at fault here. He could sincerely just want to bring his new girlfriend, and there are other friends here, so that’s reasonable. It’s not like he is clearly, inappropriately bringing someone to an event just for the sake of spiting his ex-girlfriend.

gailcalled's avatar

Take the high road, for your sake. After the first time you bump into them, which may be awkward, you will be fine.

Look your best, be gracious and pleasant, smile a lot, behave as though you are happy and having fun (no matter how you feel) and let it go.

The first time I had to socialize with my ex-husband and his girl-friend, I made him extremely uncomfortable by the above-mentioned behavior. To make matters worse, we were at my sister’s; I could tell from his body language that he wished he were elsewhere. And as a bonus, his girlfriend had thick legs and fat ankles. Wonderful moment.

CaptainHarley's avatar

If it’s going to be that much of a problem for you, I recommend staying with your sister instead of at the hotel.

nikipedia's avatar

If I were in your position I’d save myself the grief and minimize opportunities to run into him.

Yeah, he’s being a dick, but he’s allowed. He’s going through a breakup too.

And listen to @gailcalled. Good advice right there.

Supacase's avatar

How much will not staying at the hotel reduce your contact with him? Will he be with the same friends you are with the entire time or do people tend to break into smaller groups where you wouldn’t see him as much?

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

I think you should go, as well. If you have been looking forward to this, you should go. He’s not being insensitive, whatsoever, don’t know why you’d think so. It doesn’t matter how long he’s known her or how old she is or whether it’s for your sake or not. You broke up with him and he is entitled to move on.

BarnacleBill's avatar

Stay at the hotel. It might be helpful to give you control over the situation if you reach out to her and introduce yourself before the convention, so you can smile, look her in the eye, greet her by name and make her feel welcome. Ingore your ex. He’s the one making the bad decision here. She is the one he’s throwing into a potentially difficult and embarrassing situation. In this, you can look upon her as an ally. The fact that he would think that bringing someone he’s recently dating into such an awkward situation perhaps reinforces that breaking up with him was a great decision.

Keep the conversation with her about the convention. Refuse to get personal. This will help your friends have a good time, and will have you look like grace under pressure, and him like a jerk. You can cry your eyes out in your room if you need to. But don’t let him ruin your good time. He will only have control if you hand it to him.

ninjaapantz's avatar

Just look at it this way, you broke-up with him because he wasn’t ‘the one’. Focus on your path to happiness & don’t look back. If you start thinking about them or see them. Just think to yourself she’s probably a rebound & smile because everyone has their fair share of hard times. Cut them some slack & yourself – you’re all trying to figure out life. So go have fun, smile & know that you’ll get through this even if it hurts now :)

marinelife's avatar

It doesn’t really matter where you stay. What matters is your attitude. You know that you are going to see your ex with a new girlfriend.

He is not being insensitive bringing her. You broke up with him.

Avoid being around him and her.

If they come into a room, just casually get up and leave.

Spend time with your mutual friends.

Open your eyes to meeting new guys.

Focus on enjoying the conference.

ruk_d's avatar

Sounds like you still have feelings for him.. Give yourself time to get over those feelings and start a fresh… Do whatever you want.. Forget about him.

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

Listen to @BarnacleBill ‘s advice. If you can pull this off, it will be a display of maturity that not only your friends will appreciate, but will make you proud of yourself.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

The world is a small place. Go to the convention and be with the friends you enjoy. If he also goes and takes his new gf along, good for them but you have no reason to call attention to you&him type stuff by staying away from the friends.

filmfann's avatar

Stay with your friends, and enjoy the convention, and connecting with everyone.
As far as your ex’s gf being there, you lost me at you broke it off.
As long as you didn’t break it off because he was playing around, hats off to him for recovering.

SpatzieLover's avatar

I abhor avoidance. Keep living.

What would you do if you didn’t know he’d be there? Do that.

ParaParaYukiko's avatar

Thank you for your answers, everyone. I’m going to stay in the hotel.

My first reaction was to get the hell out of that hotel. But I’ve rethought it and I’ve decided to go with what the majority of your answers, to stay in the hotel and do my best to have a good time. I wasn’t intending on staying in the same hotel as him, anyway.

This convention is full of a lot of memories of the two of us together, but I’ll do my best to get through it with a smile on my face. Heck, over 16,000 people attend this thing, I’m bound to make a few new friends in the process. :)

SpatzieLover's avatar

@ParaParaYukiko Have FUN! and please update us afterwards :)

MilkyWay's avatar

You go girl! ; D

gailcalled's avatar

@ParaParaYukiko: If you factor any imaginary fantasies about him onto your week-end, you are giving this guy power over you. Memories are fine but make some new ones for you alone now.

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