General Question

BeccaBoo's avatar

How do you learn to trust someone?

Asked by BeccaBoo (2725points) April 11th, 2011

When they lie and cheat, it’s en-grained, so no matter how much you love them its all still there. Where do you start after being damaged? When you love someone and want to give it your all, but you have been hurt to a degree where the trust is shattered, where do you start from. Take it day by day? Watch them until they slip up? How do you forgive to allow the trust to be re-built?

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22 Answers

FutureMemory's avatar

You don’t. People get one chance with me. You fuck up, you’re gone. If you’re not mature enough to have your shit together, I have no time for you.

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

The only thing you can do is go by their actions and decide from there if you want to know them anymore.
Words don’t mean much if you are dealing with a liar.

filmfann's avatar

We all fall short. I am the forgiving sort, and I appreciate it when I see someone trying to be what they want to be.

wundayatta's avatar

Counseling helps. After I confessed to my wife that I had been doing stuff with other women, she got us into counseling. It helped a lot in terms of rebuilding our relationship and the trust between us. However, our counselor said that maybe only ten percent of couples he sees ever manage to keep the relationship alive.

Once the trust is broken, it is very hard to get it back, even with counseling. Without it, it’s nearly impossible.

In order to rebuild trust, both members of the couple must want it and they both must actively work to rebuild it. Both must agree to forgive and start over. If someone keeps on blaming the other, and telling them they have to do all the work, it’s not going to be successful. If your partner doesn’t want to work, and you refuse to stop putting all the blame on him, you might as well separate now.

Jude's avatar

Like @lucillelucillelucille, actions speak louder than words. I would go by that.

Coloma's avatar

In my experience once the trust of ANY relationship ( friends, lovers ) is tampered with it’s usually permanently damaging to the relationships solvency.

Healthy relationships are not about having to be on gaurd for others trickery.

You don’t learn to trust others, you learn to trust YOURSELF, meaning, you trust that you will be smart enough and strong enough to pull anchor before you drown in someones deceitful undertow.

If you continue to be shocked and surprised at being lied to by a KNOWN liar, well…time to take a look at YOUR issues, dependencies, co-dependacies, fears etc.

Hibernate's avatar

Trust can be regained but it takes time.

With patience cone can accomplish anything.

@FutureMemory at some point you’ll end up disappointing someone. I wouldn’t want them to act like you do if it’s someone you really want to keep as a friend.

stardust's avatar

I go by that old saying…“Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me”

Porifera's avatar

In general, I don’t trust human beings period.

Trust cannot be rebuilt. When your trust has been broken, you have to weigh the pros and cons of staying with that person, and at the same time reconsider your own views. Are you still so naive as to trust the person again? Then stay, but don’t be surprised if it happens all over again. If however, you leave that person hoping than the next won’t deceive you….well, good luck with that too.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

Day by day until you don’t feel to be on guard for “f__k ups”. If it’s someone who you believe wants to try and be better to you then you go slow and they become serious about follow through.

blueiiznh's avatar

This is incredibly difficult.
Many people just cut bait at that point.
From all I have read and experienced you go through various phases. Certainly anger and despise is one of them.
But when you finally get down to it, you have to figure out what you want and what you can accept. Make sure the SO knows this and where the boundry line is and most importantly, what the future consequences are. Be prepared to act on those.
If you are at the point to try to accept and move forward and learn to trust, the other person has to act in a way to build trust and show remorse in the mistake that lost the trust and with conviction agree that it will not occur again. At some point you somewhat have to let it go or it will drive both of you crazy and undermine everything.
The person that did the untrustworthy act has the ownus of continuing to build trust and ensure it doesn’t happen again. The person trying to learn to trust again in a way has to let the first mistake go.and importantly to not punish.

Once however that boundry or line is crossed again, be prepared to act on what the consequences that were laid down are!
Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.

dabbler's avatar

it takes a decision @wundayatta gives a courageous answer

blueiiznh's avatar

@dabbler exactly, a different decision from each party. It takes a decision to want to trust again, and a decision to be trustowrthy. Both are crucial as @wundayatta stated.

blueiiznh's avatar

Here is a great link about Rebuilding Trust and major topics for rebuilding

create understanding
apologize effectively
explain point of view
make promises
follow through on promises
discuss how promises are being kept

wundayatta's avatar

Thank you for the recognition, @blueiiznh and @dabbler.

I wanted to say something about trust in general. This is inspired by @Porifera‘s comments about not trusting anyone.

There have been many points in my life where I had to decide to trust a person or not. I did not always choose to trust them, and those I did not trust, I cut out of my life.

However, there have been occasions where it is not at all clear if I should trust someone. If I can’t decide, based on what I know, then I go by the assumption that if you assume someone is trustworthy, they will become trustworthy. This doesn’t mean I stop watching my back. But it does mean that I work hard to build trust, mainly by coming to know the person as well as I can.

When I meet strangers, and I need to trust them, I will make snap judgments about that. If I choose to trust them, I act like their trustworthiness is unimpeachable. It’s worked well for me so far.

blueiiznh's avatar

Adding to @wundayatta… I have been there as well and when I decide, I also work hard to not be an obstacle and allow that trust to build.
I have always followed a rule for me that works of:
Trust implicitly unless given a reason to not trust. Listen to your gut on those things that feel wrong. Decide if it is a red flag or a red herring.

Porifera's avatar

@wundayatta What I meant to say with my statement was that I am never surprised when I am deceived by people or when the bridge of trust is broken. That is not to say that I go around expecting that they will betray me or that I cut off everyone whom I suspect is not trustworthy. I will continue to interact with them — since it is not always possible to cut everyone off— but deep inside something breaks that I cannot rebuilt. In my experience people whom I have given a second chance to, have at one point or another, proven that I was right the first time.

wundayatta's avatar

@Porifera I wouldn’t say I was surprised, but I don’t really expect it, unless I see other signs. I can generally tell pretty quickly whether a person can deliver on their promises or not. People whose estimates about what they can or will do are wildly off, my nose tells me that pretty fast, and I try to get them to be more realistic. That’s in business mainly.

With friends… I guess people who have shown me who they are, and they are consistently who they are—are the ones I become true friends with.

rock4ever's avatar

If they ask for forgiveness and show true sincerity then I follow this motto
Forgive but never forget.

kmm2908's avatar

No matter how much you want to forgive, from experience you can never forget. So rock4ever is right; forgive but never forget!
You also know in your heart of hearts that once the trust has been broken once it is gone forever.
So fresh start, move on and put it all down to experience!

blueiiznh's avatar

Trust will either set you free or kill you.

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