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6rant6's avatar

Do you think people who pose questions as victims get advice here?

Asked by 6rant6 (13672points) May 14th, 2011

I’ve noticed that a lot of questions on Fluther have premises that basically read “Someone treated me horribly,” and then they go on to ask for advice.

But often it seems that the situation they describe includes behavior on their part that contributed or contributes to the situation. Jellies seem slow to point that out; instead they focus on the poster’s hurt feelings and the bad character of the other party.

Do you think jellies who post questions involving situations that involve their hurt feelings are apt to get real advice or are they more likely to get affirmation that they are guiltless and that the other party is at fault?

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21 Answers

HungryGuy's avatar

A little of both. Someone who needs advice needs to hear all viewpoints even if it’s not what they want to hear. On the other hand, people who are hurting need compassion, too, so there’s nothing wrong with being tactful and supportive either.

Coloma's avatar

I think it is an issue of maturity. Anyone that has some degree of self awareness and emotional intelligence does not let themsleves get ‘stuck’ in a victim mode for long.

everephebe's avatar

I think it’s a form of trolling, the pity party. They want attention, support and to be absolved of their responsibility. I usually ignore said questions. Don’t feed them.

jerv's avatar

Like @HungryGuy, I think that many of the people here try to be tactful and supportive enough that they don’t want to risk upsetting the questioner with uncomfortable truths.

Whether they get real advice or just pure sympathy depends on whether or not I have any interest in chiming in :p

6rant6's avatar

Is it really supportive to say, “You poor thing! Leave the jerk.” when it’s not clear that the poster isn’t creating the problem?

Hibernate's avatar

Most people give advice after summing all events for that particular situations.
Though who asks mostly wait for answers that are on their good side.

Aethelwine's avatar

@6rant6 I once suggested to a poster that maybe she was partly responsible and she should look at her behavior too. Everyone else was doing what you mentioned, saying “Leave the ass”. Yeah, that was a mistake on my part. apparently I was a bitch for even suggesting such a thing. I’ll stick to funny questions and questions about cooking and gardening from now on. Thanks. P

dabbler's avatar

There are real times when someone is a “victim” of another’s actions and I tend to answer based on the facts presented, and sometimes that warrants sympathy. If the poster wants to delude us along with themselves so be it.
Sometimes it comes out later in the thread that there was a LOT more to the original story and my attitude turns around 180 degrees and I feel like saying get over it and stop whining and/or quit creating the problem yourself you big lug, But usually as @jerv mentions I’ll be more tactful than that or leave the thread.
For a question that shows the poster has taken no responsibility for their role in the scenario I usually just leave it. I won’t post my honest reaction because it probably won’t be useful to someone who sees things that way.

_zen_'s avatar

Can you ever really be treated horribly without some participation on your part?

dabbler's avatar

@zen yes I think you can be treated horribly without some “participation” on your part if you have just walked into an unfamiliar situation. However once the situation becomes apparent the ball’s in your court.

RTT's avatar

I joined Fluther to ask question and to read answers, comments, and opinion what everyone else might think. Sometimes when I read other answers,comments,or opinion I might find a better answer to my problem. Sometimes I will think a different way about the problems I may be dealing with. I believe we all can help each other out when we are dealing with problems. Thank you, RTT

marinelife's avatar

I have not noticed the trend you refer to except in situations that involve true abuse. Otherwise, I think the community does point out the poster’s role in the situation.

JLeslie's avatar

I have seen both. Many times the OP is young, so we try to be careful in how we word any criticism, but I have definitely seen people point out the OP might be partly responsible or overreacting.

JilltheTooth's avatar

Once again, I agree with @marinelife , in that I notice the Jellies will very often ask about the OP’s actions relative to the situation, and tend not to tolerate the blatant “Alas, poor me, I’ve been wronged” type of Qs. I’ve seen honest and helpful advice rendered when the Q is worded in such a way as to indicate that the OP is in real distress and needs real advice.

gailcalled's avatar

I have been impressed by the primarily balanced, thoughtful, measured and kind responses, until the OP gets defensive, repetitive and abusive.

ucme's avatar

I think they get “centre stage billing” which is probably what they crave.

Cruiser's avatar

No…they always come on a slow day here and it makes me wonder….

augustlan's avatar

I’ve seen these questions go all sorts of ways, by now. Sometimes, jellies are all over someone for causing their own problem (that never goes over very well, from the asker’s point of view), sometimes the answers are very sympathetic, and most of the time it’s a mix of the two. I think a lot of it depends on the tone the asker takes, both in the phrasing of the question and in subsequent replies. Someone looking for real advice, who is open to constructive criticism in addition to sympathy, is more likely to get both, and in a meaningful, helpful way.

Kayak8's avatar

@augustlan And there are always the jellies who will clean their clocks . . .

nikipedia's avatar

My experience has been the opposite. I find that when people come asking for advice on a specific, personal situation, there tend to be a lot of assumptions made, conclusions jumped to, and criticisms thrown at the asker. There’s a lot of sanctimonious, holier-than-thou advice given.

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