I think that you need to have an extraordinary level of trust to play these games—at least if you push it pretty far. But even for people who only play pretty tamely, you have to develop a new level of trust if it is going to work. Because of this, I don’t think it matters who is the dom and who is the sub, and of course, switching roles can show even more the level of trust you have.
It’s also very creative and playful. You have to improvise scripts every step of the way. I’m sure many people use the scripts stolen from porn, but obviously you don’t have to do that. You can go as far as your mind can take you.
There is something very intense about telling someone what you are going to do or that they have to do. Doing it over the phone can make this point very clear. On the phone there are no bodies. All you have are your words—whispered into the ear of your beloved. It is incredibly intimate to be a voice in someone’s ear. It is almost like being in their head. After a while you can get them to do almost anything, because if you suspend belief, it feels like your own thought.
The cool thing about the phone is that you can do anything! It is all completely safe. You can play any scenario you want. You can do horror movie type action. You can do romance. You can do everything in between. Hell, you can switch from one to the other in midstream, and with the right partner, there is no skipping of any beats. Roles can change instantly, as well as the basic plot.
This is a form of play, as I keep saying, that requires, depends on, and creates trust between the people playing the game. Most people don’t want to be ordered around in real life, although there are plenty of people who wish they could dominate in real life.
But the joys of submission have to do with not having to think about anything. All you have to do is what your are told. Oddly, this gives you great power. Because you have sucked the dom into your web. By giving up—or apparently giving up—the dom becomes absolutely dependent on you. Your power is that of giving him or her pleasure. You can see him or her going out of their minds with pleasure and you know you have the power to turn this on or off.
From the other side, it’s a fantasy of power, too. It’s the control freak’s dream (unless the dream is to give up control). Perhaps it is also the person who feels powerless in real life dream, too. It can go both ways. You get to have anything you want. This person is your absolute servant, and what’s more, they want to do anything for you. It is an expression of love and trust that is very powerful.
The play is very symbolic. It does not say what the surface action appears to say. It’s not real violence. It’s not real rape. But it is about real feelings. Very intensified feelings.
I think that perhaps people with a high need for excitement are more likely to play these games than others, but that’s just a theory. Also, it looks like women who have been raped in real life use it as a kind of therapy—a way of reclaiming their power.
It’s kind of hard to explain how you gain power through submission. It probably sounds like gobbledygook. I’ve learned this lesson in many other arenas—in particular it was very important in helping me get past depression. By giving up, the thing I was opposing lost power. It gained power through my resistance. Because I no longer fought it, it lost strength, and that was all I needed in order to get through.
It’s an Alice in Wonderland kind of concept. Up is down. Dom is sub. Sub is dom. Permission is given to do things you would otherwise never do, thus losing out on so much pleasure. It’s too bad I’ve never done it. Doesn’t look like I ever will, either. It’s not something my wife is into. But inside my head….. ;-)
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