My brother’s mother in law is pretty controlling. When he first got together with my sister in law, long before they were married, this lady drove me a little batty, but over the years, I’ve learned to take a different approach with her. I found out what kinds of things she really likes (yakking non stop, being the center of attention etc) so even though I’m not with her that often, I specifically “spoil” her a little bit whenever I’m around her. I’m pretty patient and have a few best friends that can talk your ear off, so I’m used to it. So whenever I’m around her, I just let her talk and talk and talk (even though I’m kind of only half listening to her) And I make sure to ask her questions about subjects that she is interested in, and then laugh and joke with her (when I first met her, I just wanted to slink out of the room and avoid her, now I actively persue her in conversation, and because of that, she seems to like me a lot and she is less critical and annoying, because I indulge her) But then when I go home, I don’t have to think about her, and I still think she is very controlling, but I don’t let it get to me. That’s the key, not letting the other person get to you, while at the same time, actively giving them something they want and need without going against your ideals and principles. You can humor people quite a bit, without having to go along with them.
If your mom (or any other person is like this) you actively time limit yourself with them. If they call you on the phone, remain calm and cheerful (fake it if you have to) and then say, “That’s great Mom, but I’m heading off to the store, to work, to Anne’s house, to the dentist, to yoga, to do my walking” or whatever and then sweetly say you will call her back on such and such a date, and then do so. But time limit yourself, each and every time. Don’t argue with her, just humor her as often as you can, and then do what you were going to do, anyway. If she yells at you, say “I’m sorry, I know you wanted me to fix turkey, and we will do that, maybe next week, but I’m going to make roast beef and hopefully it will turn out Ok and maybe you can give me some tips for making it, because Bob requested it. I told him that me and you were going to make turkey next week and he was so excited to get to have both in one week.”
You kind of have to humor the controlling person, while at the same time doing what you want and need to do. And the best way to get them off your back is to make sure that you give them a bone, like an alternate date, or at least make sure to tell them that you will indeed be calling or visiting them on a certain date, so they don’t think you are abandoning them. And learn to put on your “fake listening ears” and let them gab on and on and on. Once you get used to this, it becomes like second nature.
With my bro’s MIL, I learned fairly quickly that she loves to be told, “I love you.” and “That is so funny, how did you come up with that?” and “Wow! could you help me with this recipe?” Anything that you know the other person likes to hear, give it to them (but it doesn’t have to come from a place of being forced on your part, you have to actively decide that you are going to do and say certain things, but just don’t give them that much weight. I kind of liken it to paying the toll at the booth, or paying for a ticket. You can’t go in and have a good time, unless you pay the toll.
This lady is still not my favorite person, but by actively indulging her with a few tidbits, I have kind of been able to get her to be less annoying. When she’s happy, because I’m indulging her (with innocuous things that aren’t hurting me) she becomes a lot more friendly and relaxed and complains a lot less. I give her lots of hugs, and make photo disks of her grandkids for her (instead of withholding these things from her) and it makes all the difference.
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