Why don't parents like their children to have personal lives?

I’m on my iPhone, so I can’t look for a link, but I answered a similar question a couple months ago… Perhaps another Fluther will recall and kindly post a link.

I think it was asked by Squirbel or maybe Bulbatron :-/

Your premise is invalid.

I like to call these kinds of parents Blackhawk Parents because they hover over their children like Blackhawk military helicopters.

@pupntaco care to explain what you mean by that? Why is it invalid?

simple… Because patents have a hard time getting used to the idea that children will not be dependent forever, they want to be sure their children make the right decisions without them…

You get privacy when you have your own place.

Scamp: That’s why I’m moving out. =]
Actually, my family is pretty good about not looking through my stuff. I had weed in my room while I was holding it for this guy and it made my bedroom smell a bit dank-ish, but nobody even noticed.
Umm.. so I guess I’m the kind of kid who is the reason why other parents look through their kids stuff.

You made a general, blanket statement that all parents don’t want their kids to have personal lives.

Parents are responsible (legally and ethically) for the safety, health, and actions of their kids.

Some parents can be overbearing, some parents don’t care at all.

But they’re not all in on some kind if conspiracy.

@Allie, you have me a bit confused hon. You say your parents don’t look through your stuff, yet privacy is the reason you are moving out?

I was very lucky with my daughter. She only had “one thing” hidden in her room. I didn’t snoop often, but as a parent it was my right to check for ‘the bad stuff’ now and then. I would raather be accused of being too nosey, than to have my child fall into something dangerous. It’s not being a nazi, it’s being a loving concerned parent. I wonder what nighttripper may be hiding for this to be such a serious problem?

You did not specify age of the children nighttripper. Good parents provide as best they can their children with a basis for making good decisions in their lives. Then, as the children 1) get older and 2) regularly demonstrate by their actions and choices and communication that they are worthy of more independence and privacy, good parents grant that.

As to their motivation, it is because they love the child and they know very well (much better than the child ever could without commensurate experience) all the horrors and dangers the world holds for the innocent.

What a child can do to earn their trust, and thus more privacy, is be as transparent as possible about the important things: where you are going, who you will be with. Also, talk to your parents other than monosyllabic grunts so they have a comfort level that if you get in trouble you will tell them and let them help you.

If you do all that and the reins are still way too tight, you need to enlist an objective adult you both respect, perhaps a clergyman or a school counselor, to help.

If they didn’t give a crap, it would be worse even if it might not seem that way at the moment.

Scamp: Let me clarify. All through high school I was watched closely. Who I hung out with, where I went, what I was up to.. all that good stuff. My mom used to call me and ask what was up. Basically, I just got really good at hiding things from her. If I was at a party, I’d take some friends with me to the bathroom and while they conversed (background noises) I’d tell her we were out to dinner. Thank G-d I’m not a lightweight drinker cause I used to go home pretty buzzed and she didn’t notice.. or at least she didn’t say anything. I wasn’t allowed out past 11pm unless I stayed at someone’s house. I was very protected in high school. Even my friends noticed and I’d just be like, “Yeah, that’s just how my life is.” Now, though, I pretty much do what I want. I’m 20 and in college. And as long as I do well in school (which I do.. 3.8 & Dean’s List), come home at a “reasonable” (to her reasonable is 9–10pm, to me it’s more like 2–3am.. so I usually roll in around midnight) hour on nights when I have classes the next day, and just let her know where I’ll be (she doesn’t ask questions if I say “I’m going out with Sasha tonight” or something like that) then it’s all gravy. I haven’t told her I smoke or drink, but I think she’s bright enough to know I drink (although I don’t think she knows how much or how often) and I know she doesn’t know I smoke… and I’m not telling her.
I’m not necessarily moving out because she looks in my room or anything. I want to move out so that I can go where I want when I want for however long I want with who I want. I don’t want to have to run into my mom at 5am on Saturday morning when I come home drunk from partying on Friday night. I want to have parties at my place with a bunch of people over and I can’t exactly do that at my house. Pretty much I just want to live it up now cause when college is over and the work starts.. the midweek fiestas end. I’ll be rooming with my buddy, Sasha, who I’ve known since the 8th grade. She’s was sheltered in HS too and we’re both ready to get out of our houses.

@Allie thanks for clarifying it for me. It all sounds pretty normal to me. I understand wanting to gain your freedom. My parents were the same way with me, but I wasn’t as good as you are, ha ha!! I remember feeling stifled by them, and I couldn’t wait to be on my own either. It’s exciting to think about. When are you moving?

I’m not hiding anything I just don’t like people reading my writing especially retards who take everything I write for fact such as a poem I wrote that mentioned eating babies (come on seriously does she think I go around eating children?)

And Marina I know what its like when they don’t care, and its a hundred times worse when they dont care but still feel the need to be nosey. If you were a parent who cared and found what you assumed to be acid and crack in your childs room what would you do? Chances are it would be more than just taking it and throwing it in the trash and not a word or action more than that, (btw it was sugar and some kind of candy but i didnt feel a need to correct her it wouldnt have made a huge difference)

Scamp: Haha, wow, thanks for thinking I’m a good kid despite the drinking, smoking, and not telling my mom the whole truth sometimes (or was this sarcasm.. I can usually tell, but I think you’ve stumped me..). I feel bad about it sometimes, but I feel like if I told her the full truth she’d never let me leave. I can just picture it: “Mom, I’m going to Nic’s to get high.” Hmm… right. I’m moving out by fall quarter, hopefully. And if not then, then by the beginning of winter quarter for sure.

@nighttripper I’m sorry. That sounds bad. I hope things improve for you, and if not, that the time until you can become emancipated is not too far away.

As a writer, I definitely don’t want my stuff read until I let it out into the world so I get your outrage about that.

Remember that when you make decisions, it’s for you, not for or against them.

Hang in there.

Parents don’t “snoop” to make children mad or to not let them have a personal life. They do it to make sure their children stay safe. I always got mad at my parents for, what I thought was an invasion of my privacy, but really they just cared enough to make sure I was ok.

Now, that being said, some parents don’t realize that their children are as old as they are. I know my mother wishes I was still five so she could take care of me. Also, many parents remember all the bad mistakes they made as children and they don’t want their kids to do the same things or worse. I will admit, sometimes they over react but it’s just because they care. You’ll get your privacy soon enough and you’ll realize that they had good intentions.

@nighttripper maybe you should have a talk with your parents and tell them how you feel about them reading your journals, etc. Help me understand this a little better. Do they have good reason to want to know what you are up to? But this I mean, How often do you get into trouble? Do you drink, do drugs, etc? Are they keeping tabs on you because of a certain history you’ve had? Are you withdrawn from them? If you are, they may think that snooping is the only way to find out what is going on with you.

My relationship with my daughter was a good one with open communication, so I didn’t feel the need to snoop very much. Maybe if you and your parents are able to talk freely about things, they won’t feel like they need to snoop though your things. Reassure them that you are ok, and not doing anything harmful.

You do have the right to some privacy, but bear in mind that they have the right to be concerned about you. They may be going too far with this, but your reassurance will help them see that.

@Allie No, I wasn’t being sacarstic at all. I do think you’re a good kid! You are at the age where you want to sow a little wild oats, and that’s fine, because the way you described it to me, shows me that you know your limits. Who at your age doesn’t want to kick up their heels and have a little fun from time to time?

My Mom gave me the “I hope one day you have a daughter of your own, and she gives you just half the trouble you gice me” speech. Speech or curse, I don’t know which it was, but it worked. My daughter was a very good kid. Still it. But the Mother’s curse came back on me big time. Now my daughter lectures me about being too wild, ha ha!! I told my daughter she was sent here to become my second Mother.

Scamp: Exactly! And when it’s time to put my nose to the grindstone I’ll do just that. Fortunately for me it’s not that time yet. =D

Parents do fear that their kids might wind up in prison, but, aside from that, most parents want to live their lives vicariously through their children. They want to have a few extra lives to live to make up for the confinement and expense of raising kids. Most parents will not realize or admit this but they would like to make every decision for their children for the rest of their child’s lives. The problem of parents owning their child’s lives will not change until we all stop referring to the kids as “mine”.

nighttripper since you list drugs and Satanism as your only areas of expertease I’m sure your parents have nothing to worry about. And I’m sure they would have no reason to think you were serious. Right?

@Allie I see good things coming to you. You have a great attitude, and I think you will be very sucessful.

@nighttripper I think ironhiway presents a very good point. Are you sure you’re not giving them a reason to want to see what you are up to?

Well she thinks I’m on all sorts of drugs and calls me a slut all the time. This is because I have less than no motivation to care about school so I don’t do that well (low grades = drugs apparently there is no other reason on the planet one would get low grades) and a lot of my friends are guys so she assumes I have sex with all of them (because it’s impossible to not have sex with every guy you see) I rarely do things that would get me in trouble but when I do I don’t get in trouble cause she doesn’t really care. I got lost in the woods one time for three days with my bf and when I got back she bought me a new mp3 player with no type of punishment at all.

Oh and the issue with the getting lost in the woods thing is because I told her I was sleeping over Stephanies house for one night and I went camping with my bf then we got lost and everyone thought I ran away and all this stuff

Excuse me for reading between the lines here, but I am guessing the two of you have had a communication breakdown. She may be trying to gain an understanding of you and your thoughts by snooping because the two of you aren’t able to talk to each other well. I think the two of you should have a serious talk, but only when you both are ready to really listen to what the other has to say. It’s only going to work if you are open to each other, and I hope you will be able find a way to do that together. I’m sorry hon. No Mother should ever call her daughter a slut.

I did run away when I was around your age, and my parents made the mistake of not punishing me for it either. They didn’t know what to do with me, and they gave me stuff to make me want to stay home. They were afraid if I got angry, I would take off again. Looking back, I see now that if they would have put their foot down with me, I wouldn’t have done so many crazy things. I think she does care about you, but she is lost on what to do. you are at a very confusing stage in your life. Not really an adult, but not a child either. Just be very careful of the choices you make now. A bad decison now could haunt you for the rest of your life.

Scamp: I’m just curious, but what are some of the crazy things you’ve done?
Also, speaking of running away.. when I was little I packed my backpack with my stuffed monkey, a pair of underwear, and a blanket and “ran away” to the park down the street. By dusk (when it was still pretty sunny) I got scared and went back home. By the way, we lived in a gated community then and I found out later that my mom called the guard at the front and told him to call her if I really tried to leave. I never got that far.