Social Question

Imadethisupwithnoforethought's avatar

Should you even date, if you are not in a place where you feel emotionally available?

Asked by Imadethisupwithnoforethought (14659points) February 6th, 2012

Suppose you are in a new phase of your life, a fresh start really.

Can you date people with a clean conscience, knowing that most of them are hoping to find someone special?

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15 Answers

filmfann's avatar

I was in no condition to date after a monsterous break-up, years ago.
It lead to some very bad decisions. I dated, but wasn’t really emotionally available for a long time.

Aethelflaed's avatar

Sure. Emotional availability is kind of a spectrum, so just because you aren’t in a place to share deep, dark secrets or share a life together doesn’t mean you aren’t in a place to share some laughs over movies and popcorn and then share some bodily fluids. The key is to make sure you’re upfront about what it is you’re looking for, and find someone who’s looking for the same thing.

bob_'s avatar

I, for one, prefer not to.

Blackberry's avatar

I did, and it was a big mistake, so I don’t think it’s a good idea. Although it’s not the end of the world. I see a trend of “if you’re not ready to date, stay single”, but who is ever really ready to date? And who wants to stay single? Being lonely sucks. What if you put all of your problems out on the table initially? Is it ok then since the person is aware?

YARNLADY's avatar

I must have an old fashioned idea of dating. I thought it means you and another person who enjoys your company, and vice versa, agree to go somewhere together. Am I missing something here?

keobooks's avatar

@YARNLADY I think lots of folk consider “date” and “pursue serious relationship” to be the same. I’m not arguing one way or another, but you’re both right in this case. There’s nothing wrong with going on dates that both parties agree are just for fun or platonic. There IS something wrong with looking for a serious boyfriend after you just got dumped by one.

The problem usually happens when people have two different expectations of what a date is. Because some people say it’s one thing.. they may even believe what they are saying, but they actually want the opposite.

I had a friend in college who insisted she was looking for a serious relationship, but it was obvious she wanted nothing but fun. I always insisted that I wanted nothing but fun but was always on the prowl for something serious. We both had bad luck dating because we couldn’t be honest with ourselves or the folks we dated about what was going on and what we actually wanted to happen. It probably would have been best if neither of us did any sort of dating at all until we could get real with it… but that’s another story.

JilltheTooth's avatar

I agree with @YARNLADY here. As long as you’re not misleading anyone and, no, I don’t mean talking about the break-up and the ex go out and have fun if you want. Try not to give the impression that it’s anything but casual, and I can’t see anything wrong with. If you want to practice, I love quality Italian food. I’ll dress up nicely and you can pick me up a 7:30. Looking forward to it, @Imadethisupwithnoforethought !

marinelife's avatar

Sure as long as you are up front with the person. Say something like, “I am not in a place where I want a relationship. I am just looking for someone to do some fun things with.”

KatawaGrey's avatar

I’m at the point in my life where if I’m going to be pursuing any romantic interest, I’m not interested in anything casual. Sure, it may start out casual but if I can’t see myself having children with that person, then I’m not going to date them. If I want to just go out and have fun with people, I have plenty of friends to do that with. As I am still licking my proverbial wounds from my break-up six months ago, I am in no shape to attempt to find a potential mate at present.

wundayatta's avatar

It’s a date! It’s not a marriage contract. You have no idea why other people are dating until they tell you and you aren’t going to find out unless you hang out with them on a “date.” If you must, you could say “I’m not really dating to get married. I just want to hang out with good people.” But I wouldn’t. I’d just do the hanging out thing and let other people take care of their own damn selves.

bkcunningham's avatar

“Can you date people with a clean conscience, knowing that most of them are hoping to find someone special?” Things have changed since I was dating. Most are hoping to find someone special? Is that how people date now-a-days? Geez, I feel old. (I was dating just a little over eight years ago, before I met my husband, and I wasn’t necessarily looking for that special someone. I was dating and having fun, meeting people, making new friends, socializing…you know?

stardust's avatar

I’ve realised of late that dating/seeing someone is not suitable for me at the moment. I’ve issues to work through and I need my own space to do that. When there’s someone else in the equation and I’m trying to work through things, it can get messy for me and the guy involved.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

As long as you’re clear up front then go for it. There are plenty of people interested in hooking up more than dating with hopes of a relationship.

lonelydragon's avatar

As long as you’re honest with the other person, then there’s nothing wrong with it. Everyone needs companionship, even if it’s only for the short term.

longtresses's avatar

What a thoughtful, considerate question to ask. S/he’d be lucky to date you. :-)

Why not just keep an open mind? You’re not looking for anyone to take up the burden, just going out and enjoying the day, for change. Maybe things will happen, maybe not. Put a smile on someone’s face and call it a day.

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