Social Question

Shippy's avatar

How would you respond to this?

Asked by Shippy (9873points) March 15th, 2012

Most of my friends, both past and present, do not spend much time on the internet. I do. I met someone eight years ago, and we have chatted daily ever since. People I know are aware I chat to this “guy” daily and have mixed views about it. Not that I asked them their views. The other day, I sent a photo to two people who asked me for one, of him. One said “Oh he’s not my type”, the other said “Oh God”. Meaning his is not attractive.
My point is, did I ask her if he was her type? No. Am I trying to sell the guy to anyone, again No. I find this inappropriate to be honest and rude. I find both of these particular peoples partners to be of dubious character but keep it to myself. How would you have responded?

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32 Answers

john65pennington's avatar

My comeback would have been….“did I ask for your opinion?”.

Sometimes, you have to stand up for yourself and fight fire with fire.

Jude's avatar

Haters be hatin’.

It was inappropriate. I’d call them out on it.

Cruiser's avatar

I would have said

“if looks were a criteria for friendship, we would not be friends dear!”

6rant6's avatar

Go to survey monkey, and set up a survey with four pictures, your iFriend, their SOs and a control picture from some other place.

Ask people on Fluther to rate them “most appealing” to “least appealing”. If you like the results, share them with your friends!

This will achieve nothing in your relationships with your friends. But we will find it very entertaining.

LuckyGuy's avatar

I would not have sent his picture. IMO that was an invasion of his privacy. If you had to send a picture you should have sent one of Brad Pitt—-or Tobey Maguire.

Jude's avatar

Or LuckyGuy.

jca's avatar

How old are your friends? It sounds immature to me.

janbb's avatar

Why did you send them his picture if you were not inviting a response to his appearance?

newtscamander's avatar

Today my best friend told me that, in his opinion, my new boyfriend looked like Frodo. Not that I asked him to tell me what he thought about him! I was really irritated and told him that he should try to be more respectful.

Response moderated (Writing Standards)
Shippy's avatar

@janbb because he is important in my life, they know it, and are curious. I would imagine. These two people are very important friends in my life, I have met their “significant” others, mine is too far away to introduce. Sort of like a face to a name scenario. I thought.

janbb's avatar

@Shippy OK – that makes sense. I’ve shown pictures of guys I like to friends but I guess I kind of expected a response to his looks. You need to decide how much it bothers you or whether you can let it go. After all, it’s how you feel toward him that counts, not their opinion.

Shippy's avatar

@nana1968 Your answer and other answers, and even my own question has really got me thinking. For some reason all my friends (some no longer as I became depressed and never left my apartment for a year) are very into looks. They are buying growth hormones, opting for surgery, work out a lot, have loads of glamor photos of themselves on face book and twitter so on. My family too, valued looks. This guy I met has the kindest warmest heart I have ever met, Over time he became beautiful to me. I draw this type of person to me, I do not know why. Or perhaps I do, perhaps I also bought into the “looks are everything”. But I never chose a partner based on looks. I feel I am entering a new phase in my life since being in a black hole for over a year. It is exciting, it is a time to say what I do like and what I don’t like. I have to be careful though as being bipolar I can be down right rude. So I cringe at any confrontation now. Since I was always in trouble for it. I need to find assertive boundaries without the rudeness I find that so so hard.

chyna's avatar

Beauty fades, personality and inner beauty are forever. These people do not sound like friends to me. I don’t think my friends would ever say anything like that. I would expect them to say something like, “good, now I can picture him when you mention him.”

linguaphile's avatar

If he’s beautiful to you and gives you a wonderful friendship, then to heck with what anyone thinks.

Here’s a love song—the song’s about love, but the point related to the friendship is the same.

AshLeigh's avatar

Haters gonna hate.
Potatoes gonna potate.

Dutchess_III's avatar

I guess I would have said, “Why did you ask to see a picture of him??”

wundayatta's avatar

Oh baby! The internet is another world, isn’t it? And people in the regular world don’t understand the appeal.

When I was diagnosed with bipolar four years ago, I had already been mining the internet for connections to other people on an intimate level for half a year. I didn’t know why I was doing it at the time. I was pretty miserable at home, I suppose. And there were things I wanted or needed that I couldn’t get at home, and there was no one to talk to about them.

In the end, doofussy old me got to play Don Juan for a little while. Virtual Don Juan. What was so weird was that I, like your friend, probably couldn’t have convinced a woman to break through a paper bag for me based on my looks. But based on my internet presence, it was almost easy.

There is something about seeing a person’s words that allows women (and maybe men) to see right through to a person’s heart and soul in a way that never happens in person. In person, the body pretty much puts up a lead shield around heat and soul. It’s almost impossible to see them. You have to really watch a person for a long time to see their heart and soul in person, unless, of course, they are hot looking, in which case, suddenly heart and soul seem perfectly endearing.

Of course, there are also things the body tells you that you can’t learn any other way. I don’t mean looks, although that is part of it. But a person’s body and how it moves tells you how the person inhabits the world. It tells you what kind of space they like between them and other people. It tells you how comforting or aloof they are. It tells you how clumsy or nimble they are. And these things also reflect a person’s way of seeing and understanding. You don’t get any of this online.

When we look at pictures, we think we can see a person’s character. Maybe we can and maybe we can’t. Maybe the body tells the truth and maybe it lies. Whether the body tells truth or lies depends on our prejudices about looks and also on our ability to see into a person. Most people are lookist. We’re built that way. It takes a special person to see through to another’s heart without being put off by looks.

You have the advantage of the information from the internet about your friend that your other friends do not have. They only have his surface in a picture. There is no other information to help them.

I think you should have compassion for them. They can’t see. That’s their problem. You can, but you have an advantage, and if you want them to understand, you need to give them information to help they get up to speed.

And however wonderful he is, online, I hope you will also reserve judgment pending the information you get when you meet him in person. Most likely, he will be the same, but you can’t tell for sure until you experience him in person.

The picture? It’s just a picture. It may or may not tell the truth.

YARNLADY's avatar

First, when you answered their request for a picture, you were, in effect, asking their opinion.
Second, my answer would have been “What can anyone tell from a picture?”

Bellatrix's avatar

I agree you shouldn’t have forwarded his photo. I doubt he sent it to you so you could forward it on to others.

Secondly, some people are idiots. You just learned something about these two people. They are shallow. You like your friend (online) and that’s all that matters. Learn from this and move on.

Sunny2's avatar

Making judgments about people based only on their looks is immature, to say the least. Don’t take it to heart. A good friend wouldn’t be so shallow.

Pandora's avatar

I would’ve said. Well I’m glad he is not your type and since I’m not asking for your permission for me to be with this person than I don’t see how it was any of your business.
Although, honestly I have said that about people in the past when I was young. A friend of mine was dating a very handsome (slightly on the pretty side) young man. She asked me what did I think. I said he wasn’t my type. I liked guys who had a more rough appearance. The model type guys didn’t appeal to me. So it wasn’t that I thought he was ugly. Just not someone I would find sexually appealing. I was very aware he was to her liking.
Sometimes though it can come from jealousy. Some friends hate it when their friends pair off and they feel like a second fiddle. If it a good friend I would ask why do they feel this person is wrong for me and then see if they have a valid reason or maybe they are just jealous.

Rheto_Ric's avatar

In their twisted way, they could be trying to scare you off the guy. They already think it’s dodgy you’re in touch with a person over the internet, they’re probably trying to dissuade you from continuing. But they have been rude, disrespectful, and cruel, whatever their motives.

filmfann's avatar

Wow, that’s the same thing he said about your picture!

Dutchess_III's avatar

^^^^^^ We have a winner!!!

Shippy's avatar

Thanks for your answers, I did ask how “you” would have responded though. I just felt irritated and I did say “Just as well you are not into him” because he would never be into her. I was curious at how others would have responded or felt. I do also want my significant friends to know him in some way before he arrives here, which is soon I hope. As we are working towards that. That was also a motivation.

Shippy's avatar

@Rheto_Ric Good point that.

Shippy's avatar

Again I know my own motives, for sending it. I was keen to hear how other people would have responded.

Rheto_Ric's avatar

De-friend, that would have been my reaction. Avoid them, don’t talk to them, showing them you’re upset. If they’re true friends, they’ll see the error of their ways, look outward instead of inward and show some empathy with your situation. And if they’re not, your better off without them.

lightsourcetrickster's avatar

I would have said if I wanted their opinion that I would have given it to them.

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