Social Question

jehnstewart's avatar

Ladies if your boyfriend or spouse hit you or cheat on you, will you take them back?

Asked by jehnstewart (358points) March 31st, 2012

Everyone deserves a second chance. However, abuse and cheating are two exceptions to this rule. It’s debatable whether a cheater or abuser can change their ways. Would you take back an abusive and cheater spouse/boyfriend?

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24 Answers

snowberry's avatar

My husband used to abuse me, but never physically. He sure did a good job of intimidation and destroying people (especially me) with his words. That went on until I finally figured out that I-not he was to blame for allowing him to treat me this way. When I realized that, I told him it was divorce or counseling, and he’d better hurry or he wouldn’t have a chance.

He chose counseling. It got worse for a while, and then one day, after he’d been away on a vacation with my daughter, he came in weeping. He said that God had spoken to him, and that he never realized what he had been doing to me, and asked me to forgive him. I told him I would, but there would be NO room for backsliding. One screw-up and I’d be gone from his life. It’s been about 7 years now, and he’s been an angel in every respect.

I know this is not the usual way it turns out, but I am very thankful it did. We will have been married 35 years this June.

tom_g's avatar

I cannot even fathom what it would be like to even have an urge to hit a spouse/girlfriend. Seriously. I cannot imagine what kind of f*cked up dude would even have to seek counseling for such a thing. I would hope that a woman would leave a man for even coming close to hitting her.

I think cheating is in a whole other category.

Bellatrix's avatar

If my husband hit me – I really believe it would be a deal-breaker for me. Similarly if he began being emotionally abusive. I have been in such a relationship and never, ever want to go back there.

If he cheated – it would depend on the circumstances. If we had both been neglecting our relationship and had been disconnected and it was a one-off slip up, then I would want to try to fix our relationship. I think sometimes infidelity is a symptom of a bigger problem rather than the problem itself. If I found out he was a serial cheater… then it would be a case of ‘don’t let the door hit you on the way out’.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

I don’t understand how a man can abuse the person he loves. Neglect I can understand a little, but abuse, no way. Cheating says something is wrong in the relationship or with him.

Akua's avatar

I could forgive a one time thing if he cheated depending on circumstances. If he was just a dog and I found out he was banging everybody, then he would be gone. As far as the physical abuse goes, I’m not having it. I remember having a boyfriend years ago who hit me. I poisoned him with laxatives and then left his ass.

Bellatrix's avatar

Probably a good idea not to be around his ass after you ‘poisoned him with laxatives’ @Akua :-)

Oh what a mess…

Akua's avatar

Oh @Bellatrix you have absolutely no idea how long it takes to melt down 5 boxes of Ex-Lax before pouring it over his ice cream. I don’t know if he felt any remorse for hitting me but I’m sure he felt something that night!

JLeslie's avatar

I have been married for 19 years, and if my husband cheated on me or hit me, it would not be a deal breaker most likely. If he beat me to a pulp, that is different I would leave, but one odd loss of control where he hit me once, and probably I would forgive him. I know for sure he would be horrifed he did it, I mean it would be so far from his character I would be inclined to suggest an MRI to check for a brain tumor. If he cheated, but wanted to repair our relationship I would want to try to. He is not a “cheater,” but it does not mean he would never do it.

If I answered the question without my own husband in my mind, but as a general question, at the beginning of a relationship either thing would be deal breakers. If the relationship was already a couple years old I might give a second chance, but not a third. A patter. Is a pattern, and it will continue most likely.

GladysMensch's avatar

@Adirondackwannabe Men don’t abuse the women they love, for abusive men are incapable of love. They don’t see women as equals, they see them as subordinates. These men see women as existing to serve them, as their property.

AshLeigh's avatar

I’m pretty sure I’m in love with him. But I don’t think I could be with someone who would hit me, or cheat on me.
I won’t have a repeat of my parents marriage, and I won’t let my children have my childhood.

tranquilsea's avatar

@JLeslie After thinking about this in terms of my relationship with my husband, I agree with what you wrote. We’ve been married for 18 years now and it would be very, very out of character for him to hit me. He would have be extremely stressed out. I could let one slide but not two.

As for cheating: a one off could be explainable but not a sustained affair nor multiple affairs.

One of the saddest things I’ve witnessed was a 20 year marriage disintegrating after the wife found out her husband had been cheating on her with several women the whole marriage. He moved in with the latest and let his wife know he was “confused” and wanted to try both women out before making a decision. The wife agreed. If he had been my husband I would have been tempted to knock him back to the stone age but she was desperate to hold on to the relationship. They had 3 teenage girls to boot.

john65pennington's avatar

Not a woman here, but I would still like to answer your question.

Most of the domestic calls I answered, were related to cheating, text messaging, and alcohol or drug useage.

But, some calls were entirely different, not involving any of the above circumstances.

Some domestic violence calls were related to assaults involving psychological disorders of one or both man and wife. A call like this, involves special intervention and not just a physical arrest. Most people, involved in this type of assault, are really not responsible for their actions. And, most of the couples are not arrested, but rather taken for a psychological examination. Most involved couples, later, do not even remember the events of the domestic assaults and released, after their examination. In cases likes these, its not the arrest that is important, its the calming of each party, in order to return them to their home,

Berserker's avatar

Cheating, I denno. I’d probably get pissed. It might depend how or why. @Bellatrix is right, cheating might be part of a problem, rather than the sole problem itself.

As far as violence goes though, if it happens, I’m out of there in a heartbeat. No second chance. You don’t fuckin hit people you love, period.

ZEPHYRA's avatar

No, to hell with such a waste of space!

chewhorse's avatar

Cheating and/or abuse is like alcoholism, once started it’s almost impossible to break the habit which should throw out a red flag to the victim.. No matter how much you love him/her, you won’t be able to cure them and as all criminal and moral acts go, it will only escalate until someone suffers with their life..

augustlan's avatar

I might be able to forgive cheating, depending on the circumstances. In the earlier stages of a relationship, one hit and he’d be gone. If I’d been married 20 years without incident and my husband suddenly hit me, I’d likely forgive that (as long as it never happened again).

PurpleClouds's avatar

No. There are no second chances here.

tedibear's avatar

He gets one time to hit me, I get to hit him back and never, ever again. He doesn’t know that but that’s the rule in my head. If it happens again, he’s gone. The pain and suffering provided by the shark of a divorce attorney that I will find will make him wish he had never done it. Cheating is a complete deal breaker – he’s gone.

Ela's avatar

I can’t imagine either scenario happening.
I honestly have no idea what I would do…
I hope I never have to find out : (

dubsrayboo's avatar

I was in a very emotionally abusive first marriage. He had me coming and going. If I asked him a question guaranteed I’d be begging him not to leave me by the end of the conversation. He started throwing things at me and then he shot me with a be-be gun. I told some friends about it. I was laughing because this kind of behavior was normal. They looked at me horrified and explained to me how wrong his behavior was.

I’m now divorced from him but he tries often to get back together with me or try to “mend fences” with me. Despite the fact that I’m re-married. I’ll never take him back and I warned my current husband that he’d be out if any kind of abuse is shown. My children and I don’t need that crap anymore in our lives.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

No. I tried that once in my life but could never regain my enthusiasm or respect for the person so we scrapped the relationship. The cheating killed my sexual attraction to him, festered animosity and provoked outright and escalating cruelty on my part.

snowberry's avatar

A note to those who would take back a cheater: My friend’s husband cheated on her (she didn’t know it, until she developed venereal warts), and then she figured it out. As many of you know, venereal warts can lead to cancer, and this is what she “caught” from him. He GAVE HER CANCER!

After my friend’s experience, I would never want to keep a cheater in my life.

JLeslie's avatar

@snowberry The truth is with warts/HPV it is hard to know when you caught the virus. 80% of women have been exposed to the virus, probably half your friends have had some sort of abnormal PAP smear during their life. He might have given it to her, I am not questioning that, but HPV is not a reason to think an SO cheated unless there are other reasons to suspect. Since your friends husband was cheating I assume he all sorts of signals he was sending out even aside from your girlfriend contracting this particular STD.

However, where I do agree with you is cheating takes the health and life of an SO and puts it at risk, which is deplorable.

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