How do you know if a relationship is worth the work?

They are appreciative of you.

@Cruiser I agree that appreciation is nice to have, and someone must appreciate you for a relationship to be healthy, but is that the deciding factor for you? Should it be for everyone?

A willingness to make it work on both sides, which requires communication, trust, appreciation, love, etc.

@athenasgriffin It was and has been for me. We all do nice things and stupid things and in the end there is really just you as a person. You can let all the good things take center stage or the not so good things color how you perceive your S/O….but I do believe it all comes down to good or bad, what you are willing to appreciate about that other person in your life that is the true currency of a relationship.

I don’t think that relationships are worth it if they are causing you more pain than gain.

One sign it is definitely over is if one partner has cheated.

If you are arguing a lot, and not constructively, then it is probably not worth it.

When you give your partner your best, and you expect the same from them. When they encourage you to grow and blossom, and they don’t try to keep you all to themselves. When they are comfortable letting you do things on your own and you don’t feel owned, but instead you feel empowered. And they do little things for you, just to make you happy with no expectation of any payback. That’s a relationship. Controlling behavior, possessiveness, suspicion, wanting to know what you’re doing all the time, those are some bad signs.

Here are some things that would make a relationship not worth it for me:

If my partner constantly made me feel like I was to blame for all sorts of things, for which I was either not to blame or it was something that was not in my control (like having a bad family member or having an illness)

If my partner made lots of left-handed compliments towards me, or made snarky little insults about me or my desires, or interests or about my convictions or faith (or lack thereof).

If my partner was passive-agressive, or belittled me.

Or if I felt like I constantly had to prove my love or my worth to him.

If he was an un-recovering alcoholic or drug addict. And in my own case, if I knew he had been an addict before we started dating, it’s not likely that I would get involved with him in the first place, even if he was in recovery, but that’s just me. Same thing would go for depression or bi-polar, because I have lived with relatives who have those conditions and it’s no picnic. For me, I would never willingly venture into a couples relationship with someone who had a serious, or even lesser mental problem. I just don’t have the capacity to cope with or help that person without losing my own self or injuring my own health. God bless people who do.

If I found out my partner had cheated, whether it was online or in real life. Even emotional cheaters (where they haven’t actually had sex with the other person) have taken time and energy and their physical being away from where it belongs, I consider that to be a betrayal.

Any kind of physical abuse, and most kinds of mental abuse. I could not stay with someone who screamed at me.

If I felt like my partner could not love and respect, or be attracted to me, unless I had a perfect body. It’s one thing to eat healthy and to get a healthy dose of exercise on a regular basis, and to keep one’s self clean and to present one’s self nicely in decent clothes, but it’s not worth it to be on a constant yo-yo diet for someone else, or to become a bulimic or go to any kinds of drastic measures to change your physical self for someone else’s pleasure.

If my partner lied to me on a regular basis.

If my partner constantly promised to change some bad behaviors, but never followed through.

If my partner didn’t take his own health seriously, refused to go to a doctor, refused to eat healthy meals, refused to exercise, refused to give up risky behaviors (although I probably wouldn’t be with Mr. Risky in the first place).

If my partner refused to go to counseling with me, if there were obvious problems in the relationship.

If it seemed like my partner had little or no respect for my feelings, thoughts and beliefs.

If I felt like my partner had more interest in his friends, or sports or the computer, or his job (as in a workaholic type) than he did in me and our relationship.

If his family members gave me grief. I know I’m a nice, decent person, so if his family members didn’t like me, or were mean to me, or tried to manipulate me, then that would be a huge problem, that I would expect him to solve, or at least handle in a way that stopped it.

If my partner was angry and or mean (to me, others, animals, strangers etc) on a regular basis. And with some of these examples, it would only have to happen one time.

If my partner had some ideas about men and women being so different that they were supposed to be relegated to certain jobs, whether it be in the workforce or around the house or in society. Equality is very important to me. That doesn’t mean that both people can or will or even should make evey single thing 50–50, that’s not realistic, but if the other person actually believed that men and women should not be equal, then that would be a huge problem.

If my partner turned out to be someone who could not care for me, or wasn’t interested in caring for me, if I became disable or even just sick with a cold or a cut on my finger or a bad headache, or stomach cramps, because he either just didn’t really care that much, or because he thought it was beneath him to act as a nurse, or he thought it was “icky” then that would be a huge problem for me. I’m a nurturer by nature, but I would hope that my partner would be willing to care for me if I needed that.

I know that this list of mine sounds like a lot of deal-breakers, they are, but I think if people really examined their deal breakers before they got into relationships, and if they discussed these kinds of things early on in their relationships, there would be a whole lot less divorce and long ugly dragged out breakups.

I think it always boils down to whether or not you are both willing to put work into it. If your partner isn’t willing to change habits or put effort forth, then it doesn’t matter what you do.

Not worth it to me. lol
Of course people have their quirks and some amount of compromise and “work” is to be expected, but seriously, in my infinite wisdom these days and brutal self honesty there is no way I would “work” on any relationship, it either flows and unfolds with ease or it’s too much emotional stress. I am too old for any relationship drama these days, no thanks.

I swiftly give the axe to Jacks that whose beans have lost their magic.
lololol

There are definitely signs that the relationship isn’t working out. Some are general signs that are valid for most relationships and others are signs that are particular only to your relationship (based on your standards and what you want/expect in your relationship).

As far as behaviors that ruin a relationship, that really varies from couple to couple. It all depends on what you are okay with in your relationship.

@Seaofclouds Oh, that reminds me of a big one. Contempt for the other partner was a sure sign things are over. If you can argue with your partner without it things are okay. If contempt is there, it’s quitting time.

I live by the 80/20 rule for relationships of all kinds. Is 80% of the relationship wonderful and fulfilling? Yes? Then great, get to work on the 20% that is less-than-ideal (if not outright annoying).

It’s never 100% all good. The question is, can you live with the 20% that may need (constant) maintenance?

I have heard that the positives have to outweigh the negatives at a 5–1 ratio. I’d lower the bar even further to a 45–1 ratio.

Having one negative for every 5 positives is still waaay too high IMO. lol

@Adirondackwannabe Haha..yeah, when you start feeling contempt for their very existence you know the lame relationship horse needs to be shot dead. lol

Relationship killers- another vote for contempt and passive aggressiveness. I agree with @DigitalBlue, if one person isn’t willing to relate to the other on shared terms, then it’s not worth it.

I know a relationship is worth the work when there’s a strong mutual respect present, the willingness to listen, discuss and adjust when needed, a mutual admiration and show of appreciation, gratitude for the other person, affection and lots of humor.

A mutual appreciation and respect for each other. Unfortunately there are so many people desperate for a relationship that they’re in love with the relationships more than the other person. There are so many one way ‘relationships’ out there that it’s not even funny.

Some things we do or say could potentially ruin a relationship; however I have a strong belief that when a relationship is meant to be then it shall be. Its a question of understanding, mutual respect and appreciation as @Paradox25 has stated. Also, if you start feeling insecure and the person your with starts to impact yourself esteem… then id make sure to end it before it gets worse. Hope this helps :)