When does one gain access back into being a person, when you are a parent?

You wear both roles simultaneously. You never stop being a parent, but you let your children grow up and have their own lives and you have yours.

I wish I had an answer for you. I just got a nasty email from my son because I don’t fit into his vision of what a parent should be. Apparently if he posts on Facebook that he’s in the hospital it’s none of my business. I am to obsessed with him in one scentence and don’t give a shit in the next.
I give up. I’m just going to be me. If he doesn’t like it that’s his problem. I’m respecting his boundries and backing off. I’m sure I’ll be a bitch for not contacting him soon enough. (He’s 29)

Try anything you want to. Just think this thought “Screw it, you don’t know if you don’t try it”. I use that a lot and it’s been more good than bad over the years.

I think my sons see me for who I really am; the good and the bad. I’m not very good at hiding my authentic self. What I’ve always tried to do and still do, is own my own stuff and let them know when I’ve fucked up. For the most part, I think it’s worked out.

@Judi Sounds a lot like my son. Did you not mention your son was bipolar? I was relieved after a rather traumatic recent few weeks that my son was diagnosed bipolar and is now on medication. Relief. As before I was saying you know I do think you are bipolar, then realized what an ass I was being, since he obviously had not been assessed yet.

Anyway, I try and let go, but then he wants ‘Mama’, then when I obsess over him he ignores me.

When I move to the UK I am going to be studying Tantra, plus energy healing. Which obviously has a sexual base to it. So you know, I feel he will look at me squint loll.

My daughter is 25 now and she knows the real me inside and out. It was a gradual disclosure, but, I am totally out of the closet these days. haha
I remember telling her around the age of 16 or so, that…” the time is coming for you to know me as a person and NOT just your mom.”
I am totally trans-PARENT these days, she knows me as a PERSON, not just “the mom.”

It has been great.
The unveiling that has to take place, and in our case, it has led to nothing but deepening closeness.
I always told her as a little girl that ” the time will come when you will need to know me as a person and not just “mommy.” :-)

Honey, get out and do whatever you want. If you’re 50, you have earned the right to act how you damn well please. Don’t worry about scaring anyone!

@Shippy, he is Bipolar. Since he blocked me on Facebook my sister told me a new diagnosis (I’m assuming for the hospitalization) but I can’t remember the name of it. It has to do with a toxic reaction to the psychotropic medications. It had the word “malignant” in it but its not a cancer. He is going to have to change his medicine regime.

For me, it began when they were both in school. Then I had to progress to not being defined by my spouse. I guess I truly came back to just being myself bu about 45. I was happy to find I was still there.

There comes a time to stop raising good children, and start raising good adults. It works the same way. Just be the example adult for them to follow. There… you’re back now.

I started letting my kids know all of me a little at a time, as they got older and older, and in age-appropriate ways. I never wanted to be that parent who pretended I was a perfect being as a teenager, one who never drank or smoked pot or had sex, so as these things came up, I was largely truthful about them. They still don’t know everything about my past, but they know most of my life story and they know the ‘current’ me inside and out at this point. They are now 15, 17, and 18 years old.

In your situation, with a son who is a bit unsteady at present, I’d probably wait a while longer before I gave him a shock. Once he’s stable, it’s time to come out! Uncover those hidden parts of yourself, and show him they were there all along. Maybe then he won’t think you’re doing anything too out of character. :)

Never gave it much thought before, but I’ve never differentiated “myself” and “parent” as two seperate identities. In other words, I never stopped “being me” to parent.

Odd predicament, I’d say.

@augustlan Exactly you kind of worded what I was thinking but didn’t know. He’s had a lot of shocks. You are right. Luckily though I will be in the UK. My son is an odd one, he doesn’t ask me much about me, so I guess it always made it difficult! But he is very open about himself to me.It’s tricky.

I had the opposite problem. I had no notion of an ‘ideal’ mother because I’d never seen one. I let my son know and witness too much of the true me when I was very unstable. One night I tried to overdose by taking a lot of prescription medications; I stuck my finger down my throat when I realized that as fucked-up as I was, I was the best person to parent him. From that moment, I worked to become a true role-model of the kind of person I hope my son will become.

At some point long before that, I’d also had the clarity of mind to realize that the ultimate goal of parenting was to let go; and that it was best for both of us if I do it gradually, rather than to coddle him all along then expect him to turn a certain age and be a “grown-up” the way I saw others do it. I worked to give him increasingly more responsibility as he showed the ability to take it on.

When he was 14 and about to start High School, I wrote him a note explaining that I knew that I could no longer tell him what to do; and that I will continue to give him my opinions and guidance, but that he must make his own choices and deal with the consequences. He’ll be 22 soon, and we have a good relationship.

Perhaps try writing your son a farewell note – something you might give to him when or after you depart. Take some time writing and editing it. First drafts should flow freely, purging all the emotions you feel, and trying your best to explain why you made the choices you did, and coming back to the point that your choices were made out of love and wanting the best for him. Wrap up the letter with a statement of what you wish for him and how you hope to see the relationship between you evolve as you have physical distance and as both of you get older. Then edit and rework the phrasing to convey these thoughts and feelings so that he might relate to your position as well as possible. In the long run, you might decide not to give him the note, but the process of purging and rephrasing will still benefit you in communicating with him during this transition.

I am glad to learn that he has sought help and is receiving treatment.