Should I let her go?

Hey man, welcome to Fluther. I’m sorry to hear about this rough decision you have to face. It sounds like both of you might have been a bit starry-eyed when you got into the relationship—maybe she was in denial about the reality of dating a broke college student who is not going to contribute much money, and you were in the denial about the reality of dating a single mother who is going to rely on you for childcare.

The fact that you say that you feel trapped and suffocated suggests to me that you would be doing all people involved (you, her, and her child) a disservice if you stayed. If you do so out of a sense of obligation or guilt, they will be able to tell, and your resentment might become more apparent in other ways. And on top of that, you just got out of the military, are going to school and want to enjoy the student lifestyle and build your own group of friends, as you said.

I don’t have any good suggestions for you about the lease, but if this general situation is unlikely to change, I think you need to think about an honorable and fair way to end the relationship. Best of luck to you.

Welcome to Fluther.

You have two considerations that are at odds with each other:
1) You want to be a “broke college student”. Let’s not quibble here. You want this; being a broke college student is not a situation you have to work through, but rather a choice that you’ve made.
2) You want to have the loving companionship of a particular single mother who obviously needs more income than you’re able and willing to provide at this time.

It’s not clear to me why you’re babysitting on weekends. Does she need to work overtime, or is her own social life so important to her that she ditches the kid with you so that she can get out? And what happens during the week with the child? There’s a fair amount of omitted detail here.

You should both break up while you determine what really is important to you, the woman (with her child, and all of the responsibilities that come with each of them), or your dream of living through this period of your life as “broke college student” for some reason. Because it is certainly possible to have a job and do school on the side, even though that is difficult, but you’re not even considering that. So it’s pretty clear to me that you’d rather have the college experience than the relationship.

Tell the landlord that you’re going to break the lease and allow him time to find new tenants. He’s not going to get blood from a stone if you don’t have the assets to come up with the missing rent, but if he’s not harmed by your leaving, then “no harm, no foul” should apply.

If it were me, and the woman meant that much to me, then I’d change my life instead of walking away from her. But perhaps she doesn’t mean so much to you, in which case better that you leave.

The biggest arguments always seem to be about money, more specifically the lack of same. It is something almost every couple has to deal with. If you are interested in doing so, you can probably work through this aspect.

However, from you post I think that this is just the tip of the iceberg. Do you have any idea what her feelings are at this point? Is she unhappy? Does she want out?
You need to sit down and talk it over with your SO and come to some kind of resolution that you can both live with. No one else can make this decision for the two of you.

As for the lease, it is a contract and if your name is on it, you are legally responsible (not to mention some kind of moral obligation to your partner) for your rent through the end of the lease whether you live there or not. There are some things you can do, subleasing and such, but ultimately you are where the buck stops.

Welcome to Fluther. :)

While I may not live in the same country as you I still want to thank you for your service in the military and I am sorry for your current situation.

Ok, so it sounds like you have feelings but are invested in starting your life now. While your SO is ready to settle down now. That does pose a problem.

Your love should be like a book. It’s easy to love someone, but sometimes if we aren’t on the same page the novel won’t make sense.

I think you should talk to your SO and let her know that you feel like your not on the same page. And you’d like to give her one last chance to work it out. She needs to see that you need to reach your goals because you haven’t had the chance and maybe she has different type of goals right now. She needs to know that looking for more in you right now is not fair to you or to any of you.

And if she finds it unreasonable and is still unwillingly to compromise then maybe it is time to move on.

I personally would suggest you give this the 6 months that way you will know if she is going to change or not. If you seriously can’t take it then there is always subleasing as @rojo suggests.

I wish you all the luck.

Your money problems are symptoms, not causes.

You and your girlfriend are at very different places in life. As a single mother with a job, she’s settled and ready for a nice home, a few luxuries, and a committed relationship. You, on the other hand, are reveling in several kinds of new freedoms—being done with the military, living without encumbrances, and enjoying the fun of being a “broke college student.” The differences between you and she explode in the guise of money issues.

Maybe in 5 or 10 years from now, this lovely person would be the perfect match for you. For now, though, she isn’t.

The apartment lease is problematic, but it’s not a good enough reason to stay in a relationship. Can you work with your landlord to negotiate an early release? If not, does your girlfriend have a relative or close friend who can move in on a sublet?

Hold on a sec, @CWOTUS….after my folks got married in 1955 Dad went to Texas Tech to obtain his Electrical Engineering degree. Mom worked as a telephone operator and she supported the both of them until he graduated. It could be argued that he “chose” to be a “broke college student,” but both he and my mom saw better things for them both after he graduated…and it came to fruition. After graduating he went on to become pretty much a rising star at Boeing Wichita (he like to tell us that his name was “mentioned” when they were looking for a new president in the 70’s!) until he retired in 1995. Made lots and lots of money thanks to that degree. Mom never had to work again if she chose. Not bad for a couple of kids who were raised in utter poverty. They got divorced in 1981, but money wasn’t the reason, although Mom had to work after that. Dad got her a job as an executive sec. at Boeing Seattle.
The difference in the two, is I don’t see that the OP and his girlfriend have anything invested in the future of the relationship, but only thinking of the here-and-now.
So, having said that, if a lifelong commitment isn’t in your cards with the woman, then you need to get out now, especially because of the child. He’s getting attached to you—he’s starting to view you as a father, and the longer it goes on the more emotion he will have invested in you and the more it will hurt him. That is just not fair to him.
If you choose to stay, you’d better start thinking of yourself as a husband and a father, in which case there is no ‘babysitting,’ only raising, and you better plan to be in it for life. If not, you’re just yanking the child around.

Times were different for your parents (and mine) a half-century ago, @Dutchess_III, and your parents (and mine) would never have been in the situation this couple is in.

I know @CWOTUS. There is something to be said for the “Old Ways.”

But I still feel the child needs to be front and center, not the couple.

It sounds as if you would be better off having her move out. Either you can pay a penalty and break the apartment lease or you can advertise for a roommate or two.

It sounds like you did not think it through before you got so involved with her.

I do not know what your laws are where you come from but here in Canada IF a male moves in with a single mother and in effect helps rear the child , he is deemed the only father that the child knows and is libel for maintanence payments for the child as if he were its father.
Also IF you move out, why can’t she get a roommate to fill your shoes and partial rent too?
I feel sorry for the child as I have known children who grew up with a parade of different men in there lives.In particular a girl of twenty one years old was telling me of four different replacement fathers whom all tried different dicipline on her!
Go to a counsellor for expert advice.

Hey. Thank you for so many great answers. I feel that I should clarify a couple of things though. When I said broke college student,” I didn’t imply that I wanted to be broke. I have been to school before while working at the same time, and the two really conflicted with each other, hence me joining the military. Plus I am majoring in engineering on the government’s paycheck so of course, I have to maintain a certain gpa or I have to pay back all of that money. She also isn’t out partying while I watch her child. She loves to work so she works almost every day.

I know this relationship has to end as soon as possible, but the apartment situation along with all of the thoughts of post breakup are making this so much harder. I have been through so much with her. However, like sadiemartinpaul said, I feel like I am not done living and I have to break free, while she needs to be settled and focus on her child. Our priorities are conflicting with each other and I feel like that is why we have to split.

OK, so take the onus on you. Have her move out and you find someone to split the rent with. It will be much easier for you than for her.

@themessiah14 “When I said ‘broke college student,’ I didn’t imply that I wanted to be broke.”

I think we all understood. Nobody wants to lack resources and be constantly struggling to get by. But, there are times in life when it’s good to swap a good income for something that’s more meaningful. An empty wallet can be a real challenge, but one can find immense pleasure and delight in doing something other than earning.

Right now, you’re fulfilled by pursuing your education; school is where you need to and should be. College may not a lucrative activity, but it’s certainly one that’s worthwhile. Every day, you enrich yourself in so many non-monetary ways.