Social Question

MilkyWay's avatar

Is this a problem of high expectations, or fake people?

Asked by MilkyWay (13730points) July 4th, 2013

In friendship, whenever I have trouble, it’s usually due to the fact that I feel that the other person isn’t valuing or taking part in the relationship as much as I do. Is this my high expectations of them? Is it my fault for demanding too much? Or this a case of friends being friends just for the sake of it? Not really knowing the value of true friendship?
This isn’t just a one off case, but I have felt this on numerous occasions and it’s begginning to eat me on the inside, every day =/

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15 Answers

Inspired_2write's avatar

It may mean that you value friendship much higher than those that you connect with.
Perhaps trust has to be gained slowly before that friendship is valued?
Others just want to socialize without committments.
True friendships take time to develop into long time relationships.

CWOTUS's avatar

I don’t know either your expectations or the people you call friends, so it’s not possible for me to respond on your behalf “what your problem is”.

I can say with certainty that I don’t have a lot of especially close friends, but the ones I do have I could trust with my life. I’m also that kind of friend to some others, who aren’t necessarily “my friend” yet. That is, some have proven themselves to be my friends-in-need, but the circumstances haven’t yet arisen where my friendship / assistance is vital to them. If it ever is, they have an automatic claim on it, and I think all of them know that.

So I’d start by asking you – it’s a rhetorical question; I neither want nor expect a response in the thread – “What makes your friends ‘your friends’?” Many of my friendships have been forged in adversity; when I needed a friend or assistance for some reason, someone stepped forward and thereby became my friend. Conversely, I’ve become a friend to others for being the one who stepped up when they needed a friend.

I make acquaintances wherever I go and whatever I do. Despite the hard tone of a lot of my writing, I’m a friendly and personable fellow. But that doesn’t mean that I’m everyone’s friend, or that everyone is mine. Most of the people that I work with and meet from day to day will never be more than acquaintances, even though some might be closer than others. That’s okay, too.

The difference, I guess, is that I’d warn my acquaintances to “watch out for that guy shooting at us”; for my friends I’d take the bullet if I had to. If you’re willing to take a bullet for someone, but they won’t return your phone calls, then you’re probably choosing the wrong friends. If there’s no one you’d take a bullet for, then how can you call those people friends?

marinelife's avatar

Start not expecting things. Just go with the flow. Then you won’t be disappointed.

OneBadApple's avatar

I think that all of us only get to have a (very) limited number of friends who know that you can be counted on to “take a bullet” for them (to use CWOTUS’s perfect analogy), and whom you know would definitely do the same for you.

I’ve told my wife a thousand times, as long as she keeps expecting people to think like she does (always putting the happiness of everyone else first), she is almost always going to be disappointed….

gailcalled's avatar

You may be confusing friendship with a fantasy about connectedness.

If you are unable to forge any deep friendships, you need to reexamine your definition. Even the most intimate and close relationships have messy bits and the need to let some things go.

If you put every action and reaction into a balance pan, (or keep score), you’re going to be disappointed.

I too have lots of acquaintances or buddies and just a handful of really good friends.

Katniss's avatar

I have 2 close friends. My fiancé and my sisters ex. I would trust both of them with my life.

I would rather have just those 2 rather than a bunch of “friends” that shit talk me behind my back.

augustlan's avatar

I’ve had a lot of people I call friends, but there have only been two of them (plus my husband) I’d call ‘best’ friends…the kind you can rely on when the shit hits the fan. That’s over my whole lifetime, btw, and I’m 45 years old. The rest of my friends are people I like, people whose company I enjoy. But that deep to-the-bone connection just isn’t going to be there with the vast majority of people.

Even with my best friends, none of us expect anything of each other. In fact, part of being that close is accepting and loving people for exactly who they are…not who we wish they’d be. We don’t even expect to maintain frequent contact with each other (except the husband, of course)....heck, I haven’t even talked to one of them in years! But in a time of need, we’d be there for one another in a heartbeat.

woodcutter's avatar

Trying to “steer” a relationship is maybe going about it in the wrong way. There is not enough here to go on so I’m just guessing.

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

Be friends with yourself first. If you want high expectations, then have them for yourself. If you want to be demanding, then be demanding of yourself. If you want someone to know the value of true friendship, then get to know the value of your true self.

Do this, and you’ll never say ”...it’s begginning to eat me on the inside…” ever again.

downtide's avatar

Whenever someone describes a problem and says “it happens over and over again” it raises a red flag to me, that the root of the problem is internal rather than external. So I would first check your expectations, that they are not too high. Are you being too demanding of others? Once you are certain that is not the case, then you can look at your choice of friends. Perhaps you need to be more choosy with your friends, and pick ones whose demands and expectations are as high as your own.

gailcalled's avatar

And belatedly, I need to ask what “fake people” means.

fluthernutter's avatar

@gailcalled People who are not genuine. You know what they meant, silly.

gailcalled's avatar

^^^ Nope. I would have trouble defining “genuine people” also. Give me an example.

fluthernutter's avatar

@gailcalled I’m guessing you know what genuine means. Apply that to someone’s character.

In case you don’t.
Particularly defintions 1C and 2.

graynett's avatar

Old quote ” If you want a friend – be one”

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