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spendy's avatar

GUYS: How should I talk to my husband about his sexual performance?

Asked by spendy (1446points) June 18th, 2008

I know this can be a sensitive area for guys, so I’m looking for your advice. We really need to do something to draw out the duration of our “play time”. Right now, we do the start-stop thing to keep him from finishing too quickly. My problem is that there isn’t much start time. It’s constantly stop stop stop, and it’s driving me crazy. I’m not even sure what our options would be to improve this situation, but first I need to figure out how to break it to him that what we’re currently doing just isn’t doing it for me. Sex shouldn’t be a hassle or frustration, and right now it is. What’s the best way to approach this conversation without hurting or offending?

Basically, I thought this would be a great question to bring to Fluther so that I can get some real feedback on how men prefer this topic be approached.

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37 Answers

Chawk80's avatar

The key is actually talk to him about it. Tell him what you want to have happen within human capabilities of course. NOTHING is more of a turn on when a woman guides her man in what she wants to have done to her. He should go ahead and “finish” because the second time around will last longer. Hope this helps.

flameboi's avatar

o.k. first of all, you have to be sincere, and frontal, tell him that you need to talk about it, but don’t make him feel like, you know, useles, instead, I think that if you make him see the situation from a point of view, like “I think you are not getting where you wanna go and I don’t want that for you” and that you two should visit a specialist, and that you love and trust him enough to talk about this, maybe he is just stressed, and he needs to relax a lil’ but he must feel supported, and understood… try to find the exact way to approach to your husband

robmandu's avatar

Stop being so flippin’ hot and sexy. ;-)

You could try to get past this first using @chawk80’s suggestion (that is, taking the bull by the horns for a multi-round engagement). If that works successfully, then you’d have a positive experience to share and discuss. Guys like to participate in problem-solving, especially if we’re successful and awesome at the same time.

willbrawn's avatar

it just has to be brought up by you. At first thought he might feel low. But assure him of your love and all will work out.

Trustinglife's avatar

If you’re not satisfied, he’s not totally happy. So find the courage to talk to him. Maybe outside the bedroom, so it feels less personal? Try to speak from love, not frustration.

PupnTaco's avatar

Talking is good. Suggest longer foreplay so you’re always taken care of first – at least twice. :)

Exercise and lowering stress can help with the “early” problem.

Trustinglife's avatar

Or to go off Rob’s idea, you could ask him to “take care of himself” beforehand. He’d probably have a lot more holding power that way.

waterskier2007's avatar

as pupntaco suggested, longer foreplay, especially him taking care of you, will get u more ready to go and help you finish before he does

Mangus's avatar

Trustinglife’s first comment is dead on. If you’re not satisfied, he’s not totally happy (unless he’s a selfish ass, but you married him so we hope that’s not true). So, start with that assumption.

The other thing is, be constructive. Don’t start the conversation by saying “this isn’t working”. Start by talking about what you want, or an idea of what can be different, then let him know what isn’t working. He needs to know, so be honest. Just don’t hit him with it first. We’re sensitive you know. ;)

Regarding that whole two-times/finish himself first thing: I think that’s a potential pitfall. Some guys just can’t get it up for a second round. Really, the other big thing to say is, let him finish, and then remember there should be other things that can still keep happening—that he can do for you—even after he finishes. He should be willing to do those. And the comfort of knowing that’s an option will help him be more relaxed before any finishing happens.

PupnTaco's avatar

He can also do Kegel exercises in addition to a regular workout routine.

Spargett's avatar

Have him masturbate before you have sex. Once he’s “spent” himself, he should last alot longer.

waterskier2007's avatar

@spargett, that was already recommended

shilolo's avatar

Hi Spendy. Don’t despair, there are ways to treat/cure this problem. You can read up a little bit about the topic at the Mayo Clinic website. There are a variety of treatments available, from sexual/psychotherapy, exercises, topical creams (although they tend to numb the area), to medications that delay ejaculation. This is actually a correctable/treatable problem, so don’t fear having the conversation with the concern that all you will do is hurt his feelings.

As far as how to approach him, I agree with many of the posters that this should be done very gently and tenderly. He is probably aware of his “shortcomings”, and the added pressure during each sexual encounter can’t be helping matters. The initial conversation may be tough, but eventually, I think he and you will be happy you did it. The more comfortable he becomes (and the more he sees that you are satisfied), the better sex will be overall.

PupnTaco's avatar

^ was that the PM?

Trustinglife's avatar

^ was that sarcastic? :)

Jbor's avatar

Never tell him your not satisfied, that will kill the selfesteem of any man, and will only make it worse. Be very gentle about it if you bring it up, and remember to encourage him. Nothing is worse for a man than feeling inadequate in bed. The key is to make him feel good about the sexual experience, and subtly guide him onto the right path. Men love nothing more than pleasing a woman, that’s pretty much all we focus on in bed, so show him what you appreciate.

Doing it more than once should help, but you should most definitely not ask him to masturbate by himself. That would be disatrous. Turn it into something positive instead, and help him in whatever way suits the both of you.

Wearing a condom also works miracles, though it’s not that much fun when you’re a man- to say the least.

As for a longer term solution there’s plenty of guides floating around. I cannot recommend any particular method, but they’re supposed to work.

berocky1's avatar

first we have gone over ways to “last longer” second why not just talk to him about it.

ninjaxmarc's avatar

you need a pitch hitter

shilolo's avatar

Umm, did you mean “pinch” hitter?

ninjaxmarc's avatar

yeah that too :P

edmartin101's avatar

I come slower when I’m tired, so it lasts longer and we both have more fun together. Certain positions also help me last longer. When you are so excited that you make the up and down movement, that makes me come so easy and fast that she feels like:What was that? So I suggest you try a different position where you are so close to him, hug him and you can’t really move up and down, but sideways. At other times I find that if I use condoms I tend to last much longer. This is what works for me, try to implement these options and see what happens. This is a trial and error kinda thing.

berocky1's avatar

do it in the morning. I find that very sensuos.

Bri_L's avatar

If there is anyway for you to pre-prime, that would be good. Definitely see if him having a private meet-and-greet session would work to that would be huge. Plus all the things everyone said. The biggest thing is to make sure he doesn’t feel that its an unsolvable issue. Let him know how much you want to solve it. The best way to start that is to talk to him. I like the way Flamboi put it “I think you are not getting where you wanna go and I don’t want that for you.”

berocky1's avatar

find out what turns him on!

spendy's avatar

Okay…I really appreciate all of your feedback! Basically, he’s turned on at the drop of a hat. I walk into the room, cook dinner, brush past him…anything does it. So, once we’re in bed together, he’s already half-way there. He works out quite a bit, but has a stressful job (12 hour swing-shifts). So, those things sort of cancel each other out as far as increasing longevity. I guess I should also have mentioned that he’s nearing 45 and is 16 years my senior. So, he’s past his prime and I’m approaching mine. Great timing. He’s extremely fit, so physically that’s not a problem. But, the second round never seems to work out. I’m hoping for a solution that doesn’t involve alternative sexual play. That’s the method we use if we have to. It gets terribly boring. I really just need continuous sex, without all the “Oh, wait…hold still, don’t move” crap. I do like the idea of starting out with “I think you’re not getting where you want to go…”. I’m just worried that this conversation may be the catalyst to a mid-life crisis. ;) I’m trying to be delicate here.

robmandu's avatar

”...he’s turned on at the drop of a hat. I walk into the room, cook dinner, brush past him…anything does it.”

Aren’t we all? ;-)

Anyways, I don’t think it’s so much that he’s halfway there as much as the journey is much shorter for him (and guys in general). Women typically seem to have such fickle, winding pathways to reach the culmination of their journey, by comparison.

Without descending into the mechanics of the thing, you should talk to him about it like you want… but ultimately, I think you’re gonna need to help set his pace overall so as to ensure you both arrive at the same time (or close enough). That will likely mean taking the lead throughout the encounter.

Ultimately, if you simply require prolonged coitus and nothing else will suffice, well, I don’t have much else to offer what @shilolo already mentioned. :-\

scamp's avatar

Ok, I know you were asking the guys, but try a cock ring. It worked well for my wasband and I.

Bri_L's avatar

@ spendy – that is a nice compliment to you though, that your presence does that to him.

Jbor's avatar

What exactly does a cock ring do, and how well does it do it? And what about the ones with a tickler, does that have any effect?
Please bear in mind that I’m not trying to hijack the conversation :-)

WakeUp's avatar

One word, Kratom.

allengreen's avatar

Get some toys! Batteries last longer than any man can, and you will be amazed at how performance increases in absence of performance pressure. Toys, toys, toys!

jjmatsui's avatar

Hi Spendy, I’m a little confused because you say that you don’t know how to break it to him and yet you both seem aware of the constant stopping and starting….does your man know he has a problem and is he happy with his performance or has he ever broached the subject with you of him lasting longer?

Normally, most guys who have PE have it because of performance anxiety, so they are definitely aware of it.

The important thing is to support your man and don’t put any pressure on him. One way would be to suggest he use Kegels. These are a way of extending your time. Except, don’t tell him that you want him to extend his time. Tell him you would like him to do it so that he can move his penis whilst fully penetrated. As I’m sure you know, this sensation is very pleasurable for the woman.

If you can convince him to do this then he might be compliant!

On the other hand, if he is quite open about his problem then he can get a lot of information from this site:

A friend of mine also recommended this book (he’s always so open about his sex life!!), if he (or you) are willing to spend to do something about this then it may help:

btw when you say the second round doesn’t happen – do you mean that his first round is OK and his recovery for the second is bad? If that is the case then he might want to try ED drugs such as Viagra or Cialis.

Good luck!

jimmy123's avatar

we could make a movie and then he could see how it’s to be done.

kellylet's avatar

Hi. I am a girl, but I make a point to talk to my man about our sex life often. I usually talk about it outside of the bedroom and when I can have his full attention. I ask him what he wants. I ask what he would like to try, what he enjoys most or could do without. Once you get talking about things openly your issues will find a way to fit into the conversation naturally and really be honest about what you want, how you want it and how often. It’s exciting to come up with ideas and solutions together. Good Luck!

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