How do you look in the mirror and like what you see?

You might need to stop looking in the mirror for a while.
You may also want to watch this video

Each morning, right after you have cleaned yourself up and brushed your teeth and are ready for the world, stand in front of the mirror and say, “I Love You your name”. And then say it again and again, at least thirty times. And do that every day for at least a month.

You are lovable, and you need to love yourself so that you can receive the love of others. That will make looking in the mirror okay for you.

Ugly? Beautiful? It’s all completely subjective. Shit like this usually manifests itself based on what other people think. The trick is to truly not care what other people think. Until you can do that you’ll never be able to change your own opinion.

The tough part is that this is one of those things that you just have to do. There are no guidelines, rules, or hints. You either just do it or you don’t.

My main motivation in applying this rule is that I would rather be happy than wallow in self-pity. Life is waaay too fucking short.

@Blondesjon beat me to it. As long as you care about what others think when they look at you, you’ll never be able to accept yourself. Just say f*ck it and learn to appreciate yourself for who you are and not for what you (think you) look like. Life truly is too short to give two flying pigs’ bums about this sort of thing!

If you really don’t like what you see, do something to improve your looks. What is it you don’t like? Get a makeover and see if that helps your self esteem.

Are you female? If yes, what do find so ugly about your appearance?

If you have a bad complexion, you can get help from a dermatologist and/or aesthetician. If you think that your facial features are unattractive, a nice haircut and clever makeup can work wonders. (Many people consider Paris Hilton to be beautiful. If you look carefully, she has a wonky eye that’s much smaller than her other eye. But, she distracts from that flaw with strategic makeup and dazzling blonde hair.) Are you overweight and out-of-shape? A diet and exercise regimen can be challenging to begin and stick with, but it can be done.

I know that I’m not answering your question – how to accept your looks and not get so upset when you look in the mirror. But, the fact that you do get so emotional when you see yourself – that you’re actually tempted to smash the mirror – tells me that you want to find a peaceful middle ground with the mirror and become more comfortable with your own reflection. There’s so much anger and pain in your question, I doubt that an accept-yourself-as-you-are pep talk will be helpful.

See the positives, look through the negativity.
Remember you’re probably the only one who sees yourself this way & don’t insult your boyfriend’s taste in women, he fancies you…right?

I agree with @Blondesjon
As a middle aged woman whose external bloom is fading fast, it is all about loving/liking yourself for your internal qualities over the external.
Plenty of beautiful people on the outside with the moral compass and integrity of a sociopathic sewer rat.
I have enjoyed a nice run as a relatively attractive woman but….I have ALWAYS wanted to be liked and admired for my brains, wit, humor over my tits and ass.

Yes, you must learn to not give a flying f—k about what others think. I dropped that dismal and dysfunctional behavior many moons ago.
It gets easier with maturity and most people don’t really come into their own until they are pushing 40.
You do not need to pander to others opinions, you are your own unique person and everyone is beautiful in their own way.

Damn..now that ancient tune is branded in my head for the rest of the day. lol

Stand up straight. Suck it in. Modulate your voice and speak nicely. Smile a lot. Do something kind for someone else.

LIsten to Blondesjon.

Of the 7+billion people on the planet, very few appear in the pop magazines; most of the rest of us soldier on very nicely.

It’s pretty much an attitude adjustment. I gave up worrying about looks a long time ago. I always thought my sister was the pretty one and I was the smart one.

My Aunt once told me she was sorry for my sister because I got both looks and smarts and all she got was baby fat. I was really surprised.

When I lost most of my hair a few years back, it took me a while to get used to the look, but I finally did. Strangely enough, it grew back since then, so now I have to get used to my looks all over again.

The truth is looks aren’t really very important in most circumstances, as long as you develop a pleasant personality.

So much emphasis is put on how a woman looks. Her hair is examined, her skin, her age, her figure, her clothes, then her car and her home, her kids. Just say balls. Some of the most memorable sexy erotic women of their and our time were plain as can be. It was the magic those women wove around all who met them.

Actually, I’m trying to look at the mirror less and less these days. I don’t like what the centuries have done to my face and I don’t like my haircut to boot! If only I could shave without that *?&^%$ mirror!

The French (god bless the French) have the term une jolie laide; which loosely means an unconventional form of attractiveness. Literally it translates as a pretty ugly woman and is considered a great compliment.

Anjelica Huston, Meryl Streep and Barbra Streisand come to mind.

I’m a guy, and physical beauty does not necessary attract me to a woman. I’ll usually thinking to myself does she smile, is she open, is she friendly, does she think too highly of herself, is she smart, what are her interests, does she dress in a decent manner, etc, etc, etc. I also ask myself whether she cares about any serious issues, or what her hobbies are.

There are many ‘ugly’ women that I would have went out with if they were not with somebody else. Also, there were many ‘pretty’ girls that I wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole.

I would recommend taking up some type of hobby or interest to keep your mind off of your looks, since your physical appearence seems to bother you a great deal. I would also recommend getting off of the ‘grid’ (when I say grid I mean the system where men/women willingly live up to the normal standards that other men/women expect of them) and just do your own thing.

@Blondesjon That’s why when people ask questions about which special abilities/super powers would I like to possess, I’ll usually place mind reading on the bottom of the list.

Coloma slicks her hair back and slinks off into the unassuming dim light of the movie theater to see “The Butler” on this horridly hot, humid and smokey day in the hills. Under the cover of darkness she will be free to remove her sunglasses and expose her red tinged lizard eyes. lol

Yes I am female. My skin is ok, I’m not spotty. I’m just very unattractive. I’m not overweight but not slim either, I am about 118lb these days which is bigger than normal. It’s my face I hate. It’s just not nice to look at.
@ucme Well, he says he does. Can’t help feeling bad for him though, I’m sure he could have so much better. Altgough when I ask him this, he says“i’m happy with what I’ve got”. But you never know what they think about deep down.

@Headhurts

Here’s Khloe Kardashian, both au natural and fully made-up:
http://cdn.morefm.co.nz/morefm/AM/2012/2/22/1754/Khloe--Kardashian.jpg

There’s no weight loss or cosmetic surgery between the “before” and “after,” just pretty hair and flattering make-up.

Same thing for Kelly Clarkson: http://cdn.morefm.co.nz/morefm/AM/2012/2/22/1754/kelly-clarkson.jpg

There are some lucky women who can roll out of bed in the morning and already look gorgeous. Such ladies are rare, and most of us aren’t so fortunate. There are reasons why celebrities always wear makeup and hate getting caught bare-faced!

It’s easy for people to tell you that your looks don’t matter, that you should embrace your inner beauty, etc. But, you share so much pain in your posted messages, I know that such advice gives you little or no comfort.

I doubt that you’re as “ugly” as you believe. Is it possible for you to enhance your best features, minimize what you don’t like about yourself, and form a peace treaty with the mirror?

Personally, I don’t think that any of this is shallow or vapid. Each of us has to live inside the packaging that we call a body, and our faces are our primary points of interaction with the world. I understand why you want to feel comfortable within your own skin.

@Headhurts You’ve been together a few years now, right?
That should tell you something at least.

Finding a way to feel better about your inside wil make you feel better about your outside. I’m 62 and I’ve never felt better about my body and my looks. And I’ve been put through the ringer the last few years.

@Headhurts – That is low self-esteem talking, and I know because I once felt the same way. It is all about attitude. I’ve known people who are fairly unattractive in one way or another who can own a room – it’s all in how you carry it. Find ways to emphasize your strongest features and minimize the ones you don’t like. Consider what people have complimented you about and start by putting the focus on those. But most importantly focus on your inner beauty and your character and let those shine through.

118 lbs. isn’t really bigger than normal unless you’re shorter than normal – which is 5’ 3” for American women. Posture makes a tremendous difference, as does muscle tone; so don’t worry about the number on the scale. Instead, focus on how you carry yourself and move, and make sure you get clothes that fit your current size and proportions well and again look for items that emphasize your best features. Got a nice hourglass figure? Play up those curves. Got a long elegant neck? Wear your hearing in a shorter style with dangly earrings. Got a great set of gams? Wear short skirts.

As a teenager, I was only a little overweight; but I slouched, slumped, and shuffled my feet when I walked. So I looked frump ire than I probably was. I now weigh more than 100 lbs than I did then, but I stand up straight with my shoulders back and down, and I pick up my feet when I walk. I find clothing that drapes nicely rather than clinging to my belly, and I wear bras that support the girls well. People tell me I don’t seem as heavy as I am.

I used to spend hours in the mirror trying to get my makeup and hair perfect. I always saw the face of a little boy when I looked in the mirror, and I still do sometimes. I’d put on foundation and powder and blush and contour and eyeliner and eyeshadow and mascara. I’d blow-dry and curl my hair and set it with spray, in addition to getting many perms over the years. People always told me I had nice eyes and a nice smile and shiny hair. Now I wear mascara because my lashes are very light colored, and lip-stain with gloss over top – that’s all. I leave my hair long to emphasize the shine and to appear more feminine, and don’t use styling tools because they dry hair and kill the shine.

But the biggest transformation in myself has come from learning to value myself as a human. Several years ago, someone asked me what I see when I looked in the mirror, and my immediate reply was “Damaged goods” because I had been abused in childhood and I thought of myself as a piece of discarded trash. That was an epiphany for me, since I had worked hard to get an education and career yet I was still weighed down tremendously by the past. I spent time contemplating all the things I had accomplished and made a conscious effort to always see the good and positive in myself and the world around me. Because of my low self-esteem on top of my introverted nature, I was painfully shy. I began interacting more on sites like Fluther and having people acknowledge me as a person – sight unseen – helped me develop more confidence in my personality. I then took it to a physical level and signed up for some social activities on Meetup.com and joined hiking groups, dining-out groups, yoga groups, movie lover groups, etc. and that helped me feel more comfortable with my physical presence and improve my social awkwardness a bit.

So I suggest that you work on liking who you are instead of worrying about what you look like. What are your interests, hobbies or skills? Pursue those and meet kindred spirits who won’t care what you look like. Do some volunteering and learn that you have much more to offer to others than superficial appearances.

I’m not sure how you can say that you weigh 118 lbs. and are not slim, with a straight face. I guess all the rest of us middle aged gals, that weight a lot more than that (I’m 140 by the way, at 5’4’’) must look hideous to you. So be it. I don’t think I look hideous, I think I look just right for my height and weight.

Then you’ll probably go on to say something like you didn’t mean that, and it’s not the rest of us that look disgusting, it’s just you, right? How is that even possible? You think you’re too fat, but the rest of us women, that are a lot heavier, are not fat. Am I getting this straight?

You haven’t given us a photo (and I don’t expect you to) but like some of the others have said, attractiveness is in the eye of the beholder. If that was not the case, there would only be one type of male and female that would be deemed acceptable for everybody else, and that simply wouldn’t work, now would it?

You might be able to freshen up your look a little bit with a tiny bit of makeup. I don’t normally wear makeup (only occasionally for someone’s wedding or at Christmas and Thanksgiving dinner) but that’s not really to make me look better, only to make me look more formal and dressed up. But if you have light colored eyelashes and brows, a little bit of eyeliner and mascara (used sparingly) can make you look a little less washed out. If your skin is a little bit blotchy, you can use a touch of concealer with a bit of pressed powder to even out your tone (never cake on makeup). If your lips are a little bit thin, you can wear an appropriate color lip stain (never anything super bright or harsh, use something very close to your natural lip color).

Don’t like the look of your hair? Find some pictures in magazines of women who have a similar hair type, with a hair cut and color that you like. Then let the salon change your hair a little bit. Do not use a picture of a woman who has has a hair type that is not similar to yours. If you have straight fine hair (like I do) don’t choose a picture of a woman with thick curly hair. If you have thick curly hair, don’t choose a picture of a woman with super straight hair.

But while you’re looking at the pictures of the hair do’s, stop looking at the air-brushed, fake boobied, un-realistically tall and thin supermodels in the magazines and on TV. People do not look like that. For instance, you may or may not know of my love of Fran Drescher. She’s known for being super glamorous, but IMO, she also looks incredibly beautiful with no makeup as you can see Here

I’m guessing that your boyfriend doesn’t think you are ugly, why would he be attracted to you if he thought you were ugly? If, on the rare chance, that he does tell you that you are ugly (even one time) you need to drop his ass immediately, because that is a horrible way to treat the woman you love. If he doesn’t think you are ugly, please do not nag him with questions like, “You think I’m fat, right?” or “Do you really think I’m pretty, because I don’t believe you?” or “You’re just saying that I look fine, but you really think I’m disgusting, don’t you?” Do not ask these questions, because it gets old really fast and it makes it sound like you are fishing for compliments. On the other hand, if he never tells you that you are pretty, an acceptable question would be, “Paul, how come you never tell me I’m pretty?” and then see what he says. Some guys are very non-demonstrative. It would suck to live with a guy who could never tell you how they feel, or give you a compliment. Is that the case here? If so, like I have said to you before about this fellow, a few sessions with a couples counselor could open up a whole new world for both of you.

Stop worrying about what you look like and concentrate on what kind of a person you are towards other people. Are you nice? Are you funny? Are you smart? Even if you are any of these things, if you walk around with your head down, never talk to anyone, avoid people and never engage strangers in conversation, you will be seen (or not even noticed) as cold and boring, and possibly even rude. Make a point to act happy and cheerful, even if you don’t feel happy and cheerful. Like they say, fake it till you make it. Nobody wants to be around a sad sack, pent up, shy under all circumstances, bore. If you don’t have one, gain a personality.

I work with a woman, who when I first saw her (had not yet talked to her or gotten to know her) who I thought was rather homely looking, but within 5 minutes of knowing her, I found out that she was recently married to a very good looking fellow and that she is one of the funniest and smartest people I know. She’s super up beat without being like Pollyanna. She can tell a great joke, without being mean or vulgar. She speaks up about all sorts of topics from politics to family dynamics, to recipes and conversations about her quirky family and her pet, current events and music and of course, office politics. And all of this is done without resorting to insults, gossip, lying, backstabbing or being annoying. She is genuinely friendly and fun. Also, she gets her hair colored in this amazing dark red color. I believe that her original color was a mousy red/brown color, but instead of saying, “I’m ugly” she went out and said, “I love that red color, I think I’ll get my hair colored like that.” I can’t imagine that this woman thinks for a second that she’s ugly, even though she’s not someone that would ever be considered for the pages of Vogue magazine.

You have to change your attitude towards the way you look. Try to think of it like this. Let’s say you had a friend (she could be in your opinion ugly, beautiful, look similar to you, have a disease that made her hair fall out) so what? Did you pick her as a friend because of how she looks? Do you even care how she looks? Would you think it was useful to tell her that she’s ugly (in case she didn’t know)? How would you treat a friend? Hopefully with love, kindness and respect. Start treating yourself like a dear friend. If you feel the urge to think or say to yourself, “You are hideous and don’t deserve to be loved or treated with kindness.” remember how you would treat a friend. Would you tell your friend that they were hideous and didn’t deserve to be loved, even if you thought they were unattractive?

So you’ve got stringy hair, a few dimples on your backside, one of your boobs is slightly bigger than the other one (mine is) or you’ve got a slightly receding chin, or God forbid that you have chicken flaps. Is there anyone here on Fluther that does not have one or all of these traits??? So what. That’s the big question for today, so what?

You might be interested in reading about the life of Eleanor Roosevelt (First Lady and wife of Franklin D. Roosevelt, 32nd President of the United States). She was known for being rather homely looking, but she was beloved by all who knew her and she was an advocate of the poor and downtrodden, she made up for being homely by being, in her words, “useful.” Read about Eleanor Roosevelt

I’m sorry I read the 118lb part and I thought gee maybe she is dyslexic?
:/

Either way here’s my short answer:

You really have to stop overthinking, obsessing and zooming in on all of the negative stuff about yourself. Try to be more positive. Everyone has issues. I wish I was more feminine looking but unfortunately I have always looked boyish, I hate makeup so I wear things like earrings and feminine clothes. My hair is Mohawk style my face looks retarded with long hair…see we can all get negative if we want, the point is not to be so hard on yourself even the male and female models are done up.

@Kardamom makes a good point, that when someone asks this question, one of the things that comes to mind is that they are searching for compliments. If you don’t like your looks, figure out what it is you don’t like and try to improve it. Period.

@jca I don’t see that as being very important. If they don’t like their looks, let them stop being concerned about looks. It is much easier than trying to improve.

@YARNLADY: Feelings are not always logical, so it’s easy for someone to say “don’t care” but if someone cares, it may be easier to improve their appearance than it is to simply stop caring.

I feel the same way when I look in the mirror.
I wear a ton of black eye makeup because if I don’t, I feel super hideous.

Maybe you could experiment with different hairstyles and makeup? Focus on the feature that you think is your best. For me it’s my eyes.

Beauty is subjective anyway. I’m sure your boyfriend thinks you’re the most beautiful woman in the world.

I also feel that what’s on the inside is more important than what’s on the outside.

I never said I was overweight. Someone asked if I were fat and I said how much I weigh. My looks is the problem, not my weight.
My boyfriend has never said I’m ugly, sorry if I gave the impression somewhere that he did.
I just don’t like what I see in the mirror. I wear make up all the time, apart from when I go to work. I wouldn’t not wear make up at home.

I’ll ask this again, so what??? Do you think the rest of us, who you might deem unattractive, if you were to see us, should be ashamed? I’m guessing that you would say no, you didn’t mean us, but it’s OK for you to feel ashamed, because you deserve it, right?

Seriously, so what if you are ugly (although I’m guessing that you aren’t or your boyfriend would have said so). So what?