How can I prevent my previous relationship from ruining my current one?

Is he interested in you or is he interested in your past? That’s what you need to consider. History means it’s behind you. Let it go.

Since it has everything to do with your last relationship and nothing to do with your current one, I would not mention it to the current guy you’re dating.

I would seek a therapist and work through any remaining unresolved feelings.

Your reaction is not surprising. You were mentally abused. Just try to relax and take this new relationship one step at a time. Give yourself time to trust again. It sounds good so far! When you can, tell your new guy what happened to you. If he’s as great as you think, he’ll understand and reassure you.

Thanks guys!

We’ve been very open with each other from the get-go and have already talked about our past relationships. It turns out that his last girlfriend also cheated on him so we both understand where we’re coming from. I just really hate feeling this way and don’t want my anxiety to keep me from fully enjoying this new stage of my life…

I’d combine both @Sunny2 and @marinelife‘s recommendations- both talk to a therapist on how to build trust, and also talk to the new boyfriend that you are re-learning how to build trust. It will help him too, so that he knows what you are going through, and the sharing with him will strengthen the bond between the two of you.

Good luck!

Sounds like it’s going the right direction. Try to relax and come up for air. Take time to be apart as well as together. I’m not talking about long periods; just time to reflect and look at the whole picture.

Do you have concerns that this new guy might not be trustworthy either?

It sounds like you didn’t really go through a mourning period regarding your ex, so maybe this new relationship is triggering a need for that. Or, maybe it is like a PTSD, where being in a relationship just triggers anxiety you had felt in your old relationship. Another guess is yöur nervous that this good thing you have now is going to fall apart. That maybe you don’t trust your own judgement. Those are all guesses, I am not a therapist, it could be any or all or none of those. If it continues much longer I would think about seeing a therapist who can help you get to the route of your anxiety. Maybe it has nothing to do with your ex, but more to do with your overall feelings about relationships, even concerning the type of relationship your parents had and how that shaped what you think about relationships.

I don’t know how long you have been feeling this way, if it has been less than a couple weeks I think it might sort out on it’s own.

I’m not at all concerned about his trustworthiness. I’m just surprised that, even after all this time, my previous experience is still affecting me in this way (especially because I was sure I had let it all go a long time ago!).

@jordym84 When we find out someone we cared about has betrayed our trust and was using us, it takes a long time to heal and be ready to trust again.

How long did you date your ex?

@JLeslie your post really struck a chord. I think it’s a combination of my overall view of relationships (I’ve never had a good, long-lasting one), my fear of this one falling apart and, quite possibly, a case of PTSD. And yup, my father did cheat on my mom when I was younger (my guy’s dad cheated on his mom, too). We’ve been seeing each other for about 3 weeks now and I just started feeling this way about 2–3 days ago. Hopefully, like you said, it’ll sort itself out in a matter of time.

My ex and I were friends for about a year before we started dating and once we got into a relationship, it lasted 6 months (when I found out about his double life).

Well, I for one, am just thrilled that you got out of your old relationship as soon as you found out. Too many people out there just say, “I love him so much and I don’t know what to do!”
You did the right thing, which shows strength and self-esteem.
I think you’ll be fine. Please let us know how it goes.

Tell us about this new guy! What’s he like?

@jordym84 Your normal might very well be to pursue relationships with cheaters. When I say normal, I mean you might be accustomed to their habits and it feels “normal” to you. I am not saying this new beau is a cheater, I am just saying this relationship might feel too good to be true, and it very well could shake you.

I think it’s wonderful you found this new man and I do think you will feel better soon.

You still might want to think of therapy in the future if you and your SO begin to have any communication problems, that sort of thing. Both of you don’t necessarily have great examples from your childhood. But, everything might go very smoothly between you two. I hope so. :). Congratulations, he sounds very nice.

I do think there is such a thing as relationship ptsd. It’s not fair to your current partner but you can’t help it because you were traumatized. I think you need time. I think you should be open with your new partner about your fears and anxieties. Allow him to alleviate them.

@Dutchess_III Thank you!! It was hard making myself get out of it because I liked him a lot (at the time I thought I was Iin love, but in retrospect I really wasn’t). But I was definitely not going to allow myself to stay in that situation.

This new guy is just wonderful! He’s thoughtful, caring, sweet, smart, respectful, easy going, funny…I could seriously go on forever! But the best part is that we have so much in common and have had so many similar experiencs that we’re both still in awe that we found each other. It turns out that we were both living in NYC last summer, hated it so much and decided to move back to Florida (he’s originally from here). The amount of things/experiencs we have in common is quite astounding!

Give it a lot more time. I had relationship PTSD for YEARS after my divorce. And after this marriage I still had it ! I bet it took me ten years to stop thinking, “this will never last.” Good luck to you.

Tell him about your fears, he can talk it through with you and alleviate some by asking you how to. :)