General Question

alexbelle's avatar

What does all of this communication between them, mean exactly?

Asked by alexbelle (70points) January 30th, 2017

My boyfriend which is in his mid 30s and I which have been together for almost 3 years, has been communicating with a girl (27) that he calls a friend that he knows from some time ago and supposedly knows her family as well, as far as I know, he’s been talking on and off to her the whole time of him and I being together, she lives in a different state than him and I do, so she is far away.but she does live very close to the state that my bf is originally from.

When him and I started dating I remember he talked about this girl a few times and he couldn’t understand certain things surrounding her and her marital issues/Problems and he tried helping her and still does, I did not care at that time very much to be honest, in the back of my head I was like yeah ok whatever, but several months, I do recall it creating certain doubts in me, and questioning myself of who is this guy really and what’s his past!

So recently we were together and he was telling me that she had contacted him, because she is going trough some ’‘rough’’ issues and he needed to help her because it was serious, he told me she comes and goes looking for his advice or when she has problems, He seems very connected to her and My thoughts are: 1-This girl is either using him as an emotional dishrag and he likes it for some reason 2-the most obvious she is an ex-lover and there is an ulterior motive behind all of this chit chat, or 3— there is something more to this that he is not telling me.

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46 Answers

Darth_Algar's avatar

Or 4: they’re simply old friends. It does happen.

Coloma's avatar

He is a big boy and has every right to associate with whomever he so chooses and does not need your consent or approval. Let it go and focus on how your relationship is going. If he is caring, attentive and into you, well…actions speak louder than words. If you are too jealous or insecure to allow him the freedom to have friends regardless of their gender then you need to break up with him and move on. What you don’t do is snoop in his personal info. constantly question him, and feel you have a right to know his every communication with this person.

The guy was upfront with you, shared what’s going on and he is not hiding anything from you. These are all good signs, so back off and leave it alone. Needing a friend when going through a hard time does not mean someone is using someone as an emotional dishrag and your guy can decide for himself just how involved he wants to be. It’s his call not yours.

elbanditoroso's avatar

There’s no way for us to know for sure. But I agree with @Coloma – he’s talking to you about it, not hiding anything. So I don’t think you have anything to worry about on that level.

The only thing you can (or should) do is to make sure that these conversations with the ex-lover don’t cut into your time (and attention) with him. People can become leeches if they are permitted to do so.

alexbelle's avatar

@coloma @elbanditoroso I understand your point of views, but don’t you think 3 years is a long time to be talking or emailing this woman. and the fact that the women keeps coming back for more, its like she needs too much attention or she likes him or something, that’s what I think. otherwise, she would have solved all of her marital issues long time ago and get on with her life.

chyna's avatar

I have a guy friend that I’ve talked to for 30 years. Through dating others, through my marriage, through my divorce. There is nothing but friendship between us.

Cruiser's avatar

I would not be happy with my wife having repeated conversations with an ex about their marital issues. Here and there but not repeated calls/emails over a 3 year period. This woman is having marital problems and often theses situations arise because the spouse is not getting the attention at home so they turn to people outside the marriage to find the attention they crave. I doubt you would be asking this question if your Spidey sense was not telling you something may not be right here.

Patty_Melt's avatar

He knew her first, but he is with you.
After three years, that status has not changed.
I would say there is no need to worry.
I have male friends who I have never been involved with other than being friends with the whole family. Their father went through school with my father. It is a way back thing.
There are others I know who are friends, and nothing more.
I care about these people, and what they feel, but I have no desire to sleep with any of them.
I see no red flags for your situation, but stewing about it COULD cause a rift for you.

BellaB's avatar

It is terrific that your boyfriend continues to be friends with people after they break up. He sounds like a fantastic guy.

I hope you’re a good friend to your exes as well. That’s what friendships are about. Boyfriends don’t stop being friends when they stop being boyfriends.

Í‘m friends with boyfriends from 35/40 years ago. The friendships were good and strong to begin with and outlasted the romances. We’ve been through a lot together. Nothing romantic since we broke up – but the friendships hung on.

If you can’t handle him having a past romantic partner as a friend, you two might not be a great match.

cazzie's avatar

I have an old friend I would absolutely love to chat to now and then, but I don’t dare, because his wife is a jealous, insecure, irrational screaming skull and I don’t want to make problems for him. I have a boyfriend. That old friend is not my boyfriend and never was, but we hung out in a group situation for years and he was sort of the motivator and cheerleader of the group. I miss being around that.

jca's avatar

I have friends that are guys, too but when they’re married or in a relationship, I’m usually just as friendly with the wife as I am with the guy. I may go visit and sit and chat with the wife and then sit and chat with the guy or with the two of them. I wouldn’t expect to be calling my ex if he’s in a relationship and having many convesations witrh him.

I am not saying it’s not ok to be friends with an ex, but I wouldn’t expect him to be available for repeated conversations about my relationship issues. I wouldn’t feel right if the ex is in a relationship at present.

I think in the case of the OP’s boyfriend’s ex, it seems like she’s using him as a crutch. Maybe he likes the attention from the ex.

Of the couples that I know, I can’t imagine my friends that are wives being ok with their hubbies having repeated and/or extensive phone conversations with their ex girlfriends.

Coloma's avatar

@alexbelle If the women is calling him 3 times a day, no, too excessive and disrespectful to his time and your relationship, but, if they are only talking on occasion, once a week or even less, every few weeks etc. and exchanging a few emails here and there, well that’s what friends do. There is no time limit on a friendship regardless of her marital issues. Have you actually ever asked your boyfriend if he still has feelings for this women? If he says “no” and he has given you no reason to mistrust him then you just need to quit worrying about things.

Moving on doesn’t mean she wouldn’t still want to have a friendship with your boyfriend. Your boyfriend is really the one you need to be discussing this with. If he isn’t concerned or complaining about anything you shouldn’t be either. He may get tired of listening to her marital issues at some point, I know I would after awhile, but other than that, I don’t see any red flags here and it’s up to him how available he wants to be for this person.

My daughter who is 29 was really upset when a good, strictly platonic, male friend of hers got married about 5 years ago and his wife wouldn’t “let” him have relationships with any females. They were simply good friends from high school and my daughter genuinely missed his friendship all because the little wife was too insecure and controlling to allow her partner to keep his old friends. Don’t borrow trouble if there isn’t any.

Darth_Algar's avatar

I have few rules, but one of my rules is simple and very firm: you will not tell me who I can or cannot speak to/communicate with, or associate with. Nor will you tell me when I can or cannot go out, where I can go, or how long I can be out.

Cruiser's avatar

I have a woman who I am friends with and so is my wife. 20 years ago she started dating this guy who she couldn’t wait to introduce us to. When they finally came by our house…out of the car steps Brad…the brother of my ex-girlfriend I dated for 3 years in college. I was crazy in love with her and she broke my heart when she left me for her brothers girlfriends dad. Brad and our friend eventually got married so for the last 20 years I get to her second hand how much my ex regrets dumping me and how miserable she is in her marriage with her now old as dirt husband.. She has attempted to friend me on Facebook, she even emailed my wife.

I know having this ex of mine in our friends life is uncomfortable for her. She takes all the news our friend conveys to her about my ex in stride. My wife is very confident in our marriage and out of respect for my wife I avoid having any contact with the ex and have no desire to.

I have a very similar situation with my ex wife who also has let people I am still friends with how much she too regrets our divorce and what a mistake she made. Same situation I avoid any contact with her, again out of respect for my wife.\‘s feelings on the matter.

elbanditoroso's avatar

@Cruiser – interesting and for once, I am fully in agreement with you and your actions.

BellaB's avatar

@Cruiser , you’‘re describing something different (I think). Would you be friends with those exes if not for your wife? would they still be part of your life if you didn’t have a wife?

My exes were friends, before during and after our relationships. They are not former friends. They are friends. That doesn’t change because a new relationship. I joke with one of my exes that we continued dating through all of his marriages. We didn’t actually date, but we are each other’s longest consistent relationship in this city.

Cruiser's avatar

@BellaB Married or single I have no desire to communicate with either of them.

jca's avatar

I’m friends with exes, “friends” in that I don’t consider them enemies. However, I don’t expect to be calling or texting them on a regular basis about anything. If we talk once a year, that’s about it, no matter what their relationship status is.

Do we all have the right to talk to anybody for as long as we want to, when we want to? Yes. We also have the right to gain 200 lbs, go out for days at a time, drink until the sun comes up but that doesn’t mean that the other person would put up with it.

JLeslie's avatar

I think it depends how often. If it’s constant contact I think it’s too much. If my husband talked to another woman daily on a social level about emotional things it wouldn’t be ok. Especially, since he isn’t much of a phone person otherwise. Maybe if he was chatty with men as much as women it might not feel so weird.

Once in a while as a catch up is fine. Or, here and there being on the same Facebook status, all that is fine. We have couples we are friendly with and when I contact them I contact the husband, because he is the more social of the two. I’d go as far to say I’m flirty with him sometimes when we all get together. But, it’s nothing, and it’s once in a blue moon and we are all together.

There is a line I think. Each couple has their own line. It partly depends on how the relationship between the couple is to begin with. If you already feel deprived of his time and he is giving quite a bit of time to this other person, then that would be a big negative.

I’m not a jealous person, but I do know how relationships can unwind or get stressed. There is no need for a third person to put this sort of stress on a couple. They don’t need to talk to you every day whether they are a man or woman. That’s barring anything very accute like an illness or death, then constant contact in a short spurt would be perfectly understandable.

BellaB's avatar

@Cruiser – how can you say you’re not in contact with your exes because of respect for your wife when your next post says

Married or single I have no desire to communicate with either of them.

__

Your exes aren’t your friends. That’s fine. You respect your wife. That’s good.
Those two pieces of information are not related.

____

The question is about exes who are friends.

The OP is talking about her boyfriend having an ex as a friend. That means the ex is someone he likes. It’s not someone he has no desire to communicate with – regardless of his current relationship status.

Cruiser's avatar

SOrry @BellaB but the question is all about communication between old flames and what does it mean. Both of my answers are different perspectives directly related to the OP question what does it mean.

alexbelle's avatar

@jca Exactly, I don’t know how healthy there communication is, especially when my boyfriend told me that the girl’s husband is a super jealous guy, even jealous of an ant LOL, he told him that he did not want them to talk or communicate.

Another thing I am supposing it’s an ex, I don’t have solid proof, I asked him and he said ‘No she is a friend, without a detailed explanation, But due to the fact that he feels so EAGER to be there for her and her Issues I deduced that she is perhaps an Ex.

If her husband is so jealous about them talking or whatever, I believe in my mind it has to be for a reason, what are the odds that these two(my boyfriend and his friend) are having an online affair or some emotional connection

Cruiser's avatar

@alexbelle You have this woman’s husband you describe as a super jealous guy who is insisting his wife does not want her to talk to your husband…(First red flag), you on the other hand apparently are questioning the honesty of your own boyfriend for the reason(s) he is talking to her as often as he does and in secret no less (second red flag)....the whole thing sounds like a hot mess that only laying bare all that each one in this party has contributed to this hot mess will hold any hope for fixing this. All 4 of you have to be accountable if you truly want to resolve this in a positive way for all involved or get ready to pack your bags. Seems pretty simple to me.

alexbelle's avatar

@Cruiser Yeah, I honestly I don’t want to let my guard down, Cause I tend to do that and forget about the situation as a whole. and then perhaps end up screwed. The point is getting to the bottom of this.

I don’t understand their relationship very much as I said before he has never given me full clear details of who she is, cause as far as I know, yes I could be a great friend and help you a couple of times and that’s it. but for 3 years even if it’s not on a daily basis, it’s still shady AF, for the following reasons:

1—) a person has problems, everyone does but we all have to come up with a solution as fast as we can and finish it.

2—)There can be many good friends on this world but they give a helping hand a couple of times and then either the other person takes it or leaves it,(as I said before 3 years is too much time to look for advice over and over and not do anything.)

3—) There is something more, they have been having a long distance fling or as I said she uses him as an emotional dishrag for all her shit. Hey as far as I knoe some people Like drama!!.

Cruiser's avatar

@alexbelle You brought out the uglies…. “she uses him as an emotional dishrag for all her shit” That is the tell tale emotion you are dealing with….you know it and he knows it but is hiding this fact from you. Your choice to confront him or let him dig a deeper hole for himself if he continues on this path.

Out of curiosity…do you love this man with all your heart?

JLeslie's avatar

Just trust your gut.

Now, what are you going to do about it? I’m going to assume you already talked to him about it and he insists they are just friends and you shouldn’t be upset. Talking to him directly first is what you should do. If he gets very mean, because you mentioned it, that’s a really bad sign.

I say if you’re not going to just break it off with him then you need to be a spy and listen in, or check his messages to her, or whatever. You need evidence so you can get your shit together and leave if he is truly emotionally cheating on you, and if he won’t do anything to change it. If it’s all perfectly innocent then you will finally know.

jca's avatar

@alexbelle: Do you live together? (it doesn’t sound like you do but just checking).

If you do have a discussion with him, don’t let him tell you that your feelings are not valid. If you’ve told him time and time again that his relationship with her bothes you, and he discounts it, he’s telling you something. As I wrote above, we have the “right” to do what we want but that doesn’t make it right if we’re in a relationship. If he gets into “you can’t tell me what to do” yes, he’s right but that doesn’t mean you have to tolerate his behavior. If someone is in a one sided relationship like that, and they treat the other person that way, then they’re a scumbag.

alexbelle's avatar

@jca You mentioned an important point, actually I don’t live with him, I live with my parents, thereby I cannot fully see what happens between them, their interaction per se. We have not discussed this issue many times, maybe 3 times at most, since he does not mention her very much, but when he has, I tend to overthink and that’s when insecurity starts to kick in!!. Just cause I feel his energy and he looks super anxious and stressed when she starts to contact him for his help, I can tell for sure it drains him.

I just find weird that the girl’s husband gets jealous of her talking to my boyfriend (I understand her husband perhaps is an idiot, But let’s be honest No reason to feel threatened or jealous from his behalf, if their ONLY FRIENDS! Unless the husband knows that something else might be going on or like I mentioned, she really is my bf, ex-lover.

I do recall my boyfriend telling some time ago that he was in fact in a relationship or was seeing a girl, whom he knew had a boyfriend at the time, So basically they were cheating. But I don’t have solid proof! if this is the same girl!.

alexbelle's avatar

@Cruiser , I do want him very much. But this is getting in the way of me making a clear decision of what I want with him in the future, I need to make this decision fairly fast, the clock is ticking and time is passing way to fast.and I am not teenager. I am almost 30, I don’t have time to play around, So it’s difficult. My real friends have always told me, you really have to make sure to know who this man really is and his past in order to marry him or have a life with him. It’s very sad to marry someone and then have all these spiders start to crawl out.

alexbelle's avatar

@JLeslie Yes I have already asked him and he keeps insisting that there just friends, he does not add anything new, Last time I asked about it, he said the same things and told me’’ do you think I would have talk about her if she was my lover Or I had something with her, Obviously I would not have mentioned her ever.to you if that was the case’ and I was mad that day cause I did not get the answers I wanted so I walked off the car saying ‘I don’t know what your doing with that girl, but I don’t like it at all, I feel your lying or hiding something to me’ and then he left fast, he accelerated the car and looks like he left angry. Unfortunately, I don’t have solid proof.

Darth_Algar's avatar

“But let’s be honest No reason to feel threatened or jealous from his behalf, if their ONLY FRIENDS! Unless the husband knows that something else might be going on or like I mentioned, she really is my bf, ex-lover.”

Or, maybe, the husbad is just a jealous, insecure dickbag.

JLeslie's avatar

@alexbelle I don’t know your bf or the total situation obviously, but asshole cheaters absolutely bring their on the side girl around their number one girl, or talk about them, and all sorts of in your face things are possible.

He might be telling the truth, he might not. No way for us to know for sure with what you have told us.

No matter what, he shouldn’t be doing something that makes you feel so uncomfortable or unsure.

How old are you both? Do you talk about moving in together, or getting married?

alexbelle's avatar

@JLeslie I am 28 and he is in his mid -30s (37), well he has talked about her 2 to 3 times and that’s it, he has mentioned marriage but not like a serious talk or anything! he is not a bad guy. The only reason I have not talked about our future or mentioned it to him is because I am not sure myself of who he is entirely, or if he is doing some shady sh*t behind my back. You understand? I have to make sure to know who he is.

I don’t know why but I have always felt with all honesty that he is hiding something, maybe it’s me being insecure or due to his age, but I have got that feeling. I have heard many many times that when a person starts to feel the need to investigate and things of that sorts, it’s because they know something might be going on! I don’t know if this is true but they say it’s and indicator or instincts.

Cruiser's avatar

@alexbelle “well he has talked about her 2 to 3 times and that’s it, ”

It would have been very useful if you shared that tidbit with us in your OP as I for one know my answer would have been very different.

alexbelle's avatar

@cruiser, yeah but still there some negative things about him that I don’t like very much, I just feel that I can’t trust him, there’s just something that I can’t quite put my finger on, like i don’t feel comfortable around him, he lives in the city one hour from me,I don’t even know what he does.

Coloma's avatar

@alexbelle Then I think you have answered your won question. You don’t trust him, you don’t like certain things about him and you don’t know what he does, that’s not a realatinship. Time to move on it seems.

alexbelle's avatar

@Coloma Plus for example today I texted him saying that I wanted to visit him in the city where he lives, he lasted more than 2 hours to text me back perhaps 3 hours, and he then he replied saying’’ I’m going to your place next week. I have visited him many other times, but the last time I did was in feb 14 2015 basically since he comes here to see,I got used to it and did not see the need to visit him to the city!, I just got too relaxed and never have visited him ever since.So its weird that after 2 years of not going to his place, he does not even say yes!. he just said’’ I’m coming next week!!, Shady AF.

Darth_Algar's avatar

Oh just break it off and move on, because clearly the trust isn’t there.

jca's avatar

@alexbelle: It’s too bad you never visited him unannounced.

alexbelle's avatar

@jca its ery bad and a red flag to me, I feel something is not right, either he is hiding something oer there or simpl this girl is his online fling lover.I have not gone to his apt in the city for quite some time, and thats all he said.shitty,shitty

JLeslie's avatar

So just go and show up and get it over with. If you’re lucky, if he is cheating, you’ll catch him. If you don’t catch him, and he screams holy hell at you for showing up, or can’t get his story straight, then the writing is on the wall too.

Men suck at on the spot lying. They start talking too much, and answering questions you didn’t even ask, or just try to turn it all around on you and what a paranoid piece of crap you are. Any of those things are bad signs.

chyna's avatar

Life is too short to waste time on a bad relationship. Find someone you trust and can share your life with, that has the same ideals, that wants to be with you all the time. I have a feeling you are just the side girlfriend and perhaps he is even living with someone else.

jca's avatar

I’d just show up too. Maybe on Sunday morning. If he’s your boyfriend he should be happy to see you and welcoming.

alexbelle's avatar

@jca I was about to go today to see what really is going on, but guess what happened, My car broke down, it would not start, I have spent almost the whole day in the mechanics place, I was so mad, but something better appeared, there is this guy that studied with me and with him, that knows him and also happened to have lived in the same apartment floor as my bf did back he lived with his roommate, he is talking to me through facebook we know each other for quite some time and I am gonna ask him in a smart manner about my bf to see what he tells me. Maybe he can tell me something.

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