General Question

LeavesNoTrace's avatar

My friend is severely depressed and unresponsive to reason. I'm worried. Should I intervene?

Asked by LeavesNoTrace (5677points) October 21st, 2013

For the past few years my good friend since childhood has been extremely depressed. When we were in high school, her parent’s marriage fell apart and her father committed suicide. This was quite shocking since she was always the one out of our group of friends who had the “perfect” family with no fighting or strife. She holds her mother responsible for this and no longer speaks to her. This was seven years ago and she’s still almost as shaken by it as when it happened.

Since then, she’s graduated from a great university, has a career in a good city, is very attractive, bright, and generally has all the tools she needs to have a happy and successful life if she were willing to try. The problem is, she’s one of the most unhappy people I know.

My friend has always been a bit of a difficult person and high-maintenance is an understatement when describing her. Everywhere she goes, anxiety, drama, and unhappiness seem to follow. She hates her job because all of her coworkers are “evil” and supposedly don’t like her. All of her friends in her new city are “annoying”. She doesn’t seem to be grateful for any of the good things she has in her life like being gainfully employed, financially stable and having friends who like her and just want to hang out with her.

In her mind, everyone is against her, everything is terrible, and nothing seems to satisfy her except for very brief periods of time. She claims to have every physical ailment under the sun despite being in good enough shape to do a half marathon a couple of months ago. She holds bitter grudges against people who are long gone from her life, is suspicious of everything and everyone, still cries daily over some jerk who used her and broke up with her over a year ago (and refuses to delete him from all social media) and has on one occasion that I know of, even attempted suicide which resulted in me immediately getting on a plane to stay the weekend with her and make sure she’s safe.

I’ve known this girl most of my life and love her like a sister but honestly, sometimes her stress is contagious and honestly, her untreated emotional issues make her behave in very selfish and inconsiderate ways. The last time I visited her she wasn’t a very good host to the point of being irrational and kind of outrageous. She wanted me to change my plane ticket to come into an airport ten minutes closer to her ($$$$) and almost wouldn’t take me to have brunch with my brother who lives near her because she “didn’t want to drive twenty minutes.” When we did go out to eat, it took her two hours to pick a place while I was starving because no place seemed exactly to her specifications on the internet. It wasn’t until I begged ten times to make up her mind that she finally relented and chose a place. I brought her a gift and took her to dinner to thank her for her “hospitality”.

She came to see me this weekend in my city and honestly caused me more stress than pleasure. She was rude to my boyfriend who she doesn’t like for no particularly good reason (suspicious and paranoid once again) which of course, caused tension at one point between him and I until he realized that I wasn’t at fault and had nothing to do with how she treated him. Tried to control every little thing we did despite not knowing anything about NYC yet still thinking she was the expert on everything. Did nothing but complain and acted miserable while crying about how unhappy she was.

It made me sad and honestly frustrated because just as I have for years, I tried to gently suggest things to help her. Of course, I suggested seeing a therapist but she just kept telling me she “tried” and didn’t like it. Okay, so I took her with me to Chinatown while I picked up some herbs for myself (I’m a believer in homeopathy for certain things) and showed her some things that worked for my struggles with depression and anxiety after my Mom died. She wasn’t interested and kind of scoffed me off. I offered to take her to a meditation class. Once again, thought it was a stupid idea.

She got visibly annoyed and terse at my boyfriend and I for ordering before her at a restaurant because it was taking her a ½ hour to make up her mind and got very huffy when I suggested we should head out at 11pm since I had to work the next morning. By the time she left I was at my wits end and she seemed upset with me.

My friend is no longer the person I remember it breaks my heart. I want so badly to help her but she hasn’t responded to everything I suggest. I’m genuinely worried that if she doesn’t get help she’ll end up hurting herself eventually or just living a very unhappy life. I want to maintain a relationship but don’t know how if she’s going to be like this. Is there any way that I could help her or intervene without making it worse? I’ve been thinking about asking our mutual friends for help but she’s very stubborn and seems to prefer to be unhappy over taking steps to get better. I almost want to buy her a massage gift certificate and include a letter about being kinder to herself. Would that be crazy or inappropriate?

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

21 Answers

Hawaii_Jake's avatar

This friend of yours suffered a terrible trauma at a tender age, and she needs professional treatment, which I don’t think you are able to provide. You have given us a very good description of her struggles and of yours with her behavior.

It’s my opinion that her behavior as expressed here is intolerable. You have every right to carefully write a list of what you have experienced at her hands and what you have observed. I suggest you actually mail her a letter.

You can then leave the “ball in her court,” so to speak.

Kardamom's avatar

I think with this particular case, I would send her a short, to the point letter, explaining how upsetting her behavior is to you, cite a few examples such as you have given us, then let her know that you’d be happy to help her, if she’s willing to get into some counseling, but in the meantime, your relationship has deteriorated to the point of causing you great anxiety and grief. Then walk away.

She’ll probably be very pissed off at you and not want to talk to you or see you. But believe me, you’re better off without her. She sounds like a train wreck that is unwilling to be fixed.

Sometimes you just have to walk away from toxic situations.

If she comes crawling back to you for help and forgiveness (which is highly unlikely) then give her a guideline of what you are willing to do, and a time frame in which you are willing to help her. This should involve getting her to a doctor to assess her “illness” and then getting into some kind of therapy to help change her behavior. But like I said, it is almost 100% unlikely that she will be willing to do this, and she’ll think that you are a meddling, horrible friend. She doesn’t realize that there is something wrong with her, that is part of the whole ugly cycle of illness and paranoia.

Last, but not least, don’t blame yourself for this situation, nor feel guilty for walking away. It sounds like you’ve been a good friend for a very long time, but you are being used, in a way. It’s not fair that you should have to put up with this kind of treatment. If she is unwilling to help herself, you should not be the one trying to help her, with no results.

janbb's avatar

I think you have to write to her and tell her most of what you are telling us. I would couch it in the most loving and gentle terms you can but tell her that it is hard for you to see her the way she is and ask if there is anything you can do to help her. You should probably tell her the behaviors that make it so difficult for you when you are together and indicate that if there is no way she can change them, you will have to distance yourself from her for now.

It is hard to be depressed and it is hard to try to help someone who won’t be helped. This is a painful situation for all.

LeavesNoTrace's avatar

I’m considering writing her a letter saying that as her friend I’m not suggesting, I’m insisting that she gets professional help so she can feel better. Would it come off as bribery or insincere if I included something like a book, or an herbal tea as a gesture of caring and good will?

Kardamom's avatar

@LeavesNoTrace I think it would piss her off more. If she was not suffering from this insidious condition, it would be different, but because she already has delusions of persecution, the gesture of a book or comforting tea would come across as patronizing.

I think you do need to let her know that her behavior (give her 1 or 2 specific examples, do not generalize, and do not give her the whole laundry list either, because that would be too overwhelming and look like you are attacking her) is becoming increasing uncomfortable for you, and let her know that it gives you a lot of grief and anguish seeing her in so much pain most of the time that you see her. Let her know that you think she should first see a doctor, and then let the doctor suggest a therapist. Let her know that you can help her make the doctor appointment and even go with her, if she wants you too. She will probably scream at you and suggest that you are attacking her, and that you are the one with the problem, and that you are the negative person. I’m just warning you in advance, so that it won’t come as such a shock to you, when she inevitably throws it all back in your face.

I still think that she will take any measure that you take as an affront, I’ve seen it happen a few times with my own relationships with friends, and some other situations (that didn’t involve me) with family members (who are still feuding after 15 years).

The other possibility (that did not go well with my family situation) is to have an intervention. We should have called in professionals, but did not do that. If you choose an intervention, use a professional service, do not go it alone, because your friend will simply see it as an attack on her. And don’t forget (so you do not feel guilty) that she is suffering with a slight break with reality. Things will not sound logical to her in her current state of being.

longgone's avatar

@LeavesNoTrace I like that idea. How about a kind of “care package”, filled with things to make her heal? Some harmless stuff (bath salts, tea, chocolate?), the letter, and a number of a therapist near her. You might wanna call him/her in advance, to make sure they don’t have a nine-year waiting list.
The letter, with or without extra items, might make her angry enough to stop talking to you. But if she is as dramatic as you say she is, it is also possible that she is grateful for someone taking charge and acknowledging her pain. Not saying you have not done that before, but it might have to be very explicit.
I’m sorry you are in such a difficult situation. Good luck!

johnpowell's avatar

She doesn’t sound depressed. She sounds like a raging bitch that loves to play the victim.

Her not talking to you ever again is probably the best outcome.

When I was 10 my mom shot my dad in the face while I was in the house. Somehow I managed to be only a slightly insufferable dick.

Kardamom's avatar

@johnpowell You’re right, in that she sounds like a raging bitch, but I think it is the depression and delusional thinking that makes her be like that. She does need professional help, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that our @LeavesNoTrace is the person that should be held responsible for getting her that help. She can certainly try to help her friend get that help, but I don’t think she should feel guilty for one second if she feels like wants to walk away. None of us would consider her to be a bad person if she walked away. I would (and have) walked away.

longgone's avatar

@johnpowell “When I was 10 my mom shot my dad in the face while I was in the house. Somehow I managed to be only a slightly insufferable dick.”

That’s horrible. Your stories about your childhood always make me wonder how you grew up to be as well-adjusted as you seem to be on Fluther. You often have great advice. However, as I’m sure you know, people deal with trauma in lots of different ways – and a dad killing himself is, undoubtedly, a big deal. Quite enough to cause a depression, IMO. So, though she certainly sounds like “a raging bitch”, it might be better to give her the benefit of the doubt. The OP will have to decide for herself.

johnpowell's avatar

That is sort of the crux. I don’t think the friend will in any way take the suggestion of seeking help as anything other than you calling them broken.

Note: I see a shrink once a month. But I did that on my own. If at 25 someone told me I needed one I would have punched them in the dick/clit.

Kardamom's avatar

@johnpowell That’s why I suggested that our @LeavesNoTrace consider the idea of employing a professional intervention. Sometimes that can work a little bit better, rather than just having one well meaning friend try to help. The woman may still refuse, but I think the OP really does want to try something, before she walks away, even if in the end, that is what ends up happening.

longgone's avatar

@johnpowell Okay, I agree with that point.

hearkat's avatar

I agree that you should approach her with your concerns.

When a child feels rejected by their parent, it creates a deep sense of being unlovable. We often hear people say how their children are there reason for living or their purpose in life, so a child whose parent chooses to end their life feels as though their own existence was not valuable to their parent.

Your friend’s behaviors are very familiar to me… from my own personal experience and that which I have observed from my friends and family. When a person feels unlovable, they push other people away. When a person feels as though they have no control in their life, they start to micromanage little things by being picky. Even ‘not liking’ therapy can come from believing oneself unworthy of the investment of time and money. There is usually also a fear of losing control of one’s emotions if they are asked to discuss the events that traumatized them.

Tell your friend that you were glad that you got to spend some time together, but that you were sad that things didn’t flow as easily between the two of you. Tell her how things used to be so comfortable together – like sisters – and that you miss it. Mention how the hard times you’ve both been through with your families has had an impact on you both, and comment on how hard the grieving process is and how difficult it is to foster a sense of hope after such loss. Point out how important such a close friendship is in these tough times, and that while the specifics were different, you’ve both lost a parent and had to deal with challenges with other family members – you can be there to support each other. This expresses to her that you care and you miss her and that you can relate to some degree. Demands and ultimatums just help prove that she’s unlovable (self-fulfilling prophecy: be difficult so people will reject you).

Perhaps there are on-line communities for people who have lost someone to suicide that you can suggest to her? It could be a way for her to feel less isolated and to help her detach from her father’s actions. I hope you get through to her.

Kardamom's avatar

^^ I wish I would have said that.

LostInParadise's avatar

You have to tell her pretty much what you have told us. Tell her how much you care for her and how it pains you to see her so unhappy. Make clear that you will always be there for her. You also have to show her in a good natured manner how difficult she makes it for you. When she pulls one of her shenanigans you have to tell say that it is not right. Ask her how she would feel if you did the same thing to her. Make clear that you want to help, but that she has to meet you part of the way.

Dr_Lawrence's avatar

She seems to have a personality disorder rather than just depression. Encourage her to see a good psychologist so that she may regain a sense of control over her life.

trailsillustrated's avatar

Oh my god she sounds like more trouble than she is worth why would you bother. I’m sorry about her family life, but what @johnpowell said. I have a sister like this- the only reason I can deal is because we are on opposite sides of the planet and she is my sister. I would and have, lost a friend like this ages ago.

mazingerz88's avatar

I think you should make a self-intervention for the sake of your own well-being not to worry too much about this friend. Not saying don’t do anything at all but try to enjoy other friends without similar problems.

Dr_Lawrence's avatar

While no one is more trouble than they are worth, we all have to choose how much we care and with what we are able to cope. Backing away is a valid choice but not the only option.

Coloma's avatar

I have nothing to add to this wealth of wisdom. Good luck!

LeavesNoTrace's avatar

Thanks to all of you for the great responses. I am still vacillating on what to do in this situation. I’ve been in touch with another close friend of ours who shares my concern and also cares for her greatly. We’re not sure whether to take the “though love” approach as it may drive her further away and hurt her more than help her. I especially agree with @hearkat in this situation since we don’t want to reinforce the idea that she’s unlovable. Clearly my friend’s self-esteem is in the gutter and no doubt she’s not coping with the well with past issues from her life to the point that little things become huge points of contention which trip her up daily and make her miserable.

I’m inclined to view her difficult and yes, frankly “bitchy” behavior as a cry for help. I haven’t heard from her since she left on Monday morning so I’m sure she’s upset with me regardless but hopefully I can help her before she destroys herself and drives everyone away.

Standing by for any more feedback you may have. Thanks!

Answer this question

Login

or

Join

to answer.

This question is in the General Section. Responses must be helpful and on-topic.

Your answer will be saved while you login or join.

Have a question? Ask Fluther!

What do you know more about?
or
Knowledge Networking @ Fluther