You see your psychiatrist quarterly, but what about a therapist? Medications can stabilize your brain chemistry somewhat, but it takes considerable effort to change behavior patterns and thought processes. You say you can’t afford one – but there are self-help books, support groups, and Doctors with sliding-scale fees. (www.NAMI.org). If you want to change, you have to be your priority.
I find that neediness is just an expression of insecurity… when we don’t like ourselves and can’t imagine what others see in us, we hope for signs of approval and validation from them. When they come frequently, as in a new friendship or relationship, we can get addicted to the rush of feeling like we matter to someone. Over time as newness wears off, behavior falls into a more typical give-and-take, and we miss that ego boost. Then we start to do attention-seeking things, like trying to do favors and be useful or at least be cute, and when that doesn’t work we create drama. Eventually, the other sees that we’re insecure and trying too hard and not being genuine, and they move on. Then we have reinforced our low self-esteem by proving that we’re not likable. It’s a vicious cycle.
In my personal journey, I broke everything down to the base issue of Fear. Insecurities, jealousy, controlling, anxiety and depression can usually be broken down to fear of being alone. Once I came to this conclusion, I reminded myself of the fact that we are born alone and we die alone. Even if we’re identical twins, or even if my beloved and I die simultaneously in each other’s arms – we cross the threshold to and from this existence as a single entity. Once I accepted this fact, I realized that I only have to answer to myself and my own conscience (in my case, I am also obligated to the being whom I brought into the world, since he didn’t ask to be born). The other fact that I came to accept was that control is an illusion—we can not change the past, we can not control other people, we can not determine what will happen next in our lives… the only thing we can control is what we think, say, and do in this very moment.
I found these realizations to be very liberating. I stopped pining for a happy childhood in a healthy family because it just could never be. I stopped worrying about what others think of me or trying to manipulate them into liking or needing me. Instead, I focused on the moment I was in – observing what was happening, finding the positives to enjoy, and dealing with the negatives (even if that means just letting them go, like water off a duck’s back). My only goal is to choose actions in the moment that allow me to go to bed at night with no new regrets.
I learned to accept myself as I was – chronically depressed. I thought about how my shitty childhood and chronic depression helped me be more compassionate and a deep-thinker. I realized that it wasn’t “wrong” to be the way I am. I then learned to forgive the mistakes I’d made while I struggled with fear, insecurity, and control issues and let go of the ‘what-ifs’ and ‘should-haves’. I learned to like myself… and thus I became less needy of validation from others. I found my happiness within – just like all the clichés said I would. Once I started liking me, life became more enjoyable, I became more comfortable and confident and I found myself with new friends who genuinely like the genuine me, and are OK with me when I forget to reply to a message, or if I’m feeling tired and grumpy. I now respect myself, so I have found others who also respect me and won’t tolerate disrespect.
What we see in the mirror is what we find in the world around us… like attracts like. Once you become your own best friend, you’ll find more friends who reinforce that belief in you. It really does start from within.
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