“True love” to me is unconditional love – love that accepts you as you are and does not place expectations on you or pass judgement on you.
Unfortunately, unconditional love does not come easy in most cultures today, because we do have unrealistic expectations that we place upon ourselves and others. Many people in the American culture in which I was raised harbor feelings of not being “good enough” because they didn’t live up to the expectations of family members.
My personal self-image of being “less than human” was a result of childhood sexual abuse. Because a family member treated me like dirt, I believed that I was not deserving of respect, love, or happiness. As a result, I expected to be treated as “less than” and I chose people who did so as romantic partners – they had also been abused and neglected as kids, so we had very dysfunctional relationships. I loved them, and they loved me – I will never doubt that – but our love was ‘tainted’ by our self-esteem issues.
I took some time focusing on myself and how to become a better psychological role-model for my son, after hitting rock-bottom and attempting to overdose. At the time, I did not have insurance or money, so I mostly worked on my own through journaling. Another benefit was social sites. There was a girl who asked about dealing with sexual abuse on Yahoo Answers back in 2006… telling her that she was innocent, she did not ask for it, and she did not deserve it, was like telling it to my own inner child. It was strange how I knew these things cognitively, but I didn’t feel it in my being until I felt it was the truth for someone else.
In later online interactions, I found so many people – several here on Fluther – who had similar experiences to mine. Talking about my personal demons really helped me process the experience and emotions so much differently that in therapy in years past. Through all of this, I developed a better appreciation for all I had been through and overcome without letting it defeat me. I accepted myself as a person who had been broken but not destroyed. I forgave myself the mistakes I had made while trapped in the victim mindset. I eventually developed self-respect and self-love.
It sounds so cliché when people say that you have to love yourself before you can truly love another, but in my experience it has proven to be true. As long as I was judging myself, holding myself to unreasonable expectations, and believing I was unworthy of love, I was incapable of accepting love from anyone else. I realized in hindsight that I believed that my previous partners had been with me out of need or some other ulterior motive, and that I always challenged their ‘love’ by ‘testing’ them.
Once I learned to like and love myself, I recognized that someone might indeed find me appealing, just the way I am. Eventually I encountered someone on a social site whom I enjoyed interacting with, and we began chatting. Eventually we got together as friends a few times. We were so at ease with one another, it was as if we’d known each other for years. Before long, we realized that we had the potential to be much more than friends and we discussed becoming romantic partners and what that would mean to each of us. Our first official date was just over 4 years ago; we’ve been living together for 3 years, and we’re engaged. We’ve had 1 spat in all that time – and my previous relationships were rife with bickering and arguments! We disagree sometimes, but if so, it is respectfully addressed and resolved. Basically, we realize that there is almost nothing that is more important than our relationship, so we let the petty stuff go. When we are together, we act the same way as we would if we were alone or when our best friends are around – there’s no pretense and no expectations.
I never imagined that I would feel happiness or unconditional love in this lifetime; but once I found it within myself, I opened up to receive it from another.
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