Do whirl wind romances ever result in a strong, long-standing relationship?

BTW…he’s never been married, has no children.

What’s her back story with her kids? First one at 18? Where is (or are) the fathers? in particular, where is the father of the new babies? I know you have doled out details here from time to time but I do not remember the accurate history.

You say she yearns for family. She has one now, consisting of her four children and you, and she has certainly leaned very heavily on you.

From the last week of Dec. to the end of Feb. is barely three months. That does seem precipitous and ill-though out. I cannot offer you any reassurances.

Has she analyzed her youthful behaviors and need to get pregnant so often? Has she had any really good therapy to help her analyze her life and behavior? I think she has to start there before embarking on some starry-eyed adventure with a relative stranger, no matter how nice he treats his mom and aunt.

Are you prepared to come a running if, after she disrupts her life, things don’t work out?

I’m sure you know this, but good marriages are best started out by knowing the other person at least a year. It’s not absolutely necessary (I knew my husband about 7 months by the time we married, but still.

If he’s never had children, the poor guy has no idea what he’s in for.

I’m sorry!

I knew pretty quickly that my fiancé (never married, no kids) and I were a great match. We met on a social (not dating) site and struck up a friendship. We met in person as platonic friends about 2 months later. Within a month of that, we knew we wanted to be ‘more than friends’. We talked about what a relationship meant to each of us, and what our goals were. Once it was clear that we were both committed to building a strong, long-term relationship, we went on our first date. It was about 6 months that we started looking for a place together, because we lived 90 miles apart and could only see each other on weekends.

In some regards, looking to move in together after just six months seemed like we were moving too fast; but having been through some very dramatic and co-dependent relationships, I could tell that our chemistry and communication were very stable and secure. It’s been four years, and we have only had one tiff (it wasn’t even enough to call it a ‘fight’). When we discussed moving in, I asked if he’d be OK with having my son (18 at the time) live with us, and he agreed and we talked about basic house rules to have for my son.

From my experience, the way two people communicate is the strongest indicator of the relationship’s staying power. If there is open honesty, respect, and appreciation from both parties, the odds are much stronger than if there is pretense, manipulation, or bickering. Another thing to consider is what expectations each person has placed on the other and the relationship. Unrealistic expectations are the root of many problems in life. Many people think that being married changes something – it really doesn’t… it’s the same two people as there were before, the only difference is a legally-binding contract.

A pattern that I’ve been a part of, and that concerns me in your daughter’s scenario, is the “Damsel In Distress meets her Knight In Shining Armor” mindset. Some people are looking to be rescued, as if someone else can solve all their problems, and others are looking to be the hero. But once the rescuing is done, and the mundane day-to-day reality of life sets in, they find the relationship and their lives boring.

It really does take time to get to know someone fully, and I do recommend living together before taking the final step of being married. It is a challenge for someone who is used to spending much of their time alone to suddenly be a part of a family, with the demands of children. The fact that he is helping as a caretaker for some family members does suggest that he may very well adjust – so that is a hopeful sign. I know it’s difficult for me to discuss relationship issues with my son, because he tends to hear everything out of my mouth as a lecture from mom, rather than caring advice from someone who’s been there. That has improved over time, but it does still happen. Good luck to you and your daughter!

Back story @Gailcalled is yes, first one at 18. All the kids were the result of the guy telling her they loved her and she believed them, and thought a child would simply cement that. Not splendid. The most recent had her really angry with herself that she did it AGAIN. It won’t happen again. The twins were born via C-section and she requested that they tie her tubes.

I know what I should TELL her to do, but we’re beyond that age now.

Yes, they can. My mother and father met on Monday and married on Saturday. They were married until he died and had five children. Let’s hope that this one does!

I’m reading each answer carefully and will respond one at a time, getting drunker in between posts! My son and his wife and their 3 kids are moving at the end of Feb too and it’s just so overwhelming and I don’t have any Diet Coke for the rum so I’m stuck with beer and my life just sucks at the moment!

Who really knows, anything is possible. Urge her to use birth control to avoid worry about a pregnancy/child. If the relationship does work out they can decide on children later. Good luck!

@Dutchess_III: All you can do is try to have a discussion, which may not be very fruitful, given her “madly-in-love” mode. You can, however, define very clearly what your role will be, if this new union blows up and she wants to come home to mama. Is she giving up a job?

He may well be Mr. Right but she is rushing; she needs to take more time.

Vent here. Don’t let her behavior drive you into destructive ones, such as smoking or drinking too much.

@hearkat you said, “A pattern that I’ve been a part of, and that concerns me in your daughter’s scenario, is the “Damsel In Distress meets her Knight In Shining Armor” mindset. Some people are looking to be rescued, as if someone else can solve all their problems, and others are looking to be the hero. But once the rescuing is done, and the mundane day-to-day reality of life sets in, they find the relationship and their lives boring.” I sure hear you. There is that, but there is also just wanting someone to share your life with. She has been amazingly strong in her own right all of these years. As far as the mundane day-to-day reality…that’s what she wants.

I’ll quite drinking at about 11:00 @gailcalled. Thanks! No she’s not giving up a job. Part of her plan, which Pat says he supports completely, is to start a daycare so she can bring in income while still being a stay at home Mom for the twins for a while longer.

@BosM she’s had her tube tied.

Oh…the fathers of the other two kids are in their lives. Their wives treat the kids like their own. My daughter actually has a family-type relationship with them. She’s good friends with their wives and they come to family and school functions and we all sit together That would be my daughter, creating families. She’s pretty damn special in that way.

@Dutchess_III – Your reply to me and the one just above this are good signs that she has a mature outlook on what she wants. Just remind her that if this love is ‘the real thing’, then that’s all the more reason to make a dedicated effort into building a strong foundation of friendship and trust and not moving too quickly. Thankfully, 70 miles isn’t too far… about 90–100 minutes’ drive?

Our jobs are over 100 miles apart, and we both are happy where we are and have invested a lot of time there. Luckily we found a place that was halfway between our jobs, so while we both have long commutes, at least we get to come home to each other.

When you’ve had a good night’s sleep, check out the stringent requirements for starting up and running a day-care center in Kansas. (DId you have one once, or am I dreaming?)

It is more than just cuddling cute babies, as you know.

Day Care Requirements in Kansas

“Group Leader – Fewer than 13 children: Must be at least 18 with a high school diploma or equivalent plus 6 mos. teaching experience or 5 sessions of 2½ hours of observation in a child care facility with children of same age plus 10 hours of approved workshops or 3 semester hours academic credit or equivalent training in child development, early childhood education, curriculum resources plus supervised observation in high school or college or 3 mos. work experience or CDA.” (Child Development Associates)

Oh boy, I certainly understand your concern. My daughter is dating someone right now for only a month and while she is prudent in her assessments in the moment she mentioned they both would love to move to Oregon. Admittedly that stressed me out some, but I know she is keeping her feet on solid ground. Me?

At my age now and with my life experience I would want to know someone for years before I made any serious commitment. By the time I felt comfortable enough I’d probably be dead. haha
It is good she is done with the baby thing and really, not much you can do but hope for the best. When you are young you tend to jump in with both feet, good, bad or indifferent it seems.

The “rescuing” advice is solid, those situations are usually fraught with disaster.
You just have to let it unfold and see what happens, as hard as it may be.

I never EVER second guess a woman’s instincts and yours are on acute high alert and IMO for good reason. Everyone you describe in this picture is desperate to have help….your daughter with 4 kids needs a partner to raise these children, you need her to find someone other than you to lean on with all these high spirited youthful minds to appease…he has not only a mother he helps care for but a blind aunt. Any union of these love birds will bring 4 youthful children, 2 elderly persons who will need more and more help that will fall not only on your daughters and BF’s shoulders but yours if the wheels come off their whirlwind romance bus.

I would throw a bucket of ice water on the lot and let the reality of their situation sink in. The Brady Bunch this is not unless of course you are willing to assume the role of Alice!!

I had one once @gailcalled. I was certified, Jumped through all of those hoops.

@hearkat I’m breathing easier….just so…uncertain. But she is SO certain. I just…guess I need to let go.

@Cruiser Alice fell down a rabbit hole, didn’t she?! Not sure how much help YOU are! :) Of course I’m on high alert, for no other reason I feel like they’re moving to fast. But thanks for coming in. Hey…she’s a beautiful girl. She could have picked any number of men to “come in,” but has declined many many. She has settled on Pat. She senses that he’s solid and strong. I pray she is right. I mean, I like him and it smells like one of the dogs crapped somewhere near here and Dakota is acting guilty but I can’t find find it. Since when did my German Shepherd turn into a crap hiding cat?? (Did I mention beer?)

She probably ‘fell head over heels’ because she is in love with the idea of being loved. Reality is so much more difficult. She has four kids, he is a carer. Who knows though, maybe he will care for her. She’s 28 now and it’s time for her to move on with her life perhaps put some boundaries up beforehand and give her some good advice.

You can say:

If it flakes out what is your backup plan since I cannot help you in this or that way?

Does he like the kids? Have you seen him interact with the kids? If one child and he do not get along, what backup plans have you made for that child, since I cannot do this or that.

If he cannot support you adequately what backup plans have you made (you get the drift?).

Difficult I know.

@Dutchess_III We are on the same page then….things are moving fast and from where I see it all parties involved have red balloons popping behind their eyes because of the romance aspect…but when the glitter settles and bills and ills pile up who will be ready to step up to do the heavy lifting. If Pat is a true gentleman and provider he will show this element and I would slow down to give him that chance to prove what he is made of. Just saying

It did for us. So, never say never.

Yes, I would too, if I could @Cruiser. This is really outside of my control. I’m just…I don’t know. At a loss. Scared but hopeful at the same time.

Thank you @Simone_De_Beauvoir. And hugs. How do you always show up at times like this? Tell JP “Hi” for me. ♥

The only whirlwind relationships I’ve observed ended in divorce. One ended with her pointing a gun in his face.

That being said, I believe that some work out — as evidenced by examples above.

Fingers crossed.

My husband and I were engaged within one month and married within three months of meeting. We approached the relationship from the perspective of “is this my future life partner?”. We disclosed our insecurities, weaknesses and fears. We made a family budget. We talked to all parents. We set ground rules. We talked about how our family would run. We talked about our families of origin and what aspects we would like to maintain and what new patterns we would like to set.

The danger of short relationships is that you just talk. There is little that you see. Your endorphins are still running high. You don’t fight. You don’t “work through” things. You’re happy and you talk.

Fortunately I think we are a very good match. It still was a painfully difficult transition to marriage and we almost didn’t make it. I had a 12 year old and he had never been a parent. That almost did us in. But we went to therapy and worked it through for about 10 months. Now our communication is very strong and we feel very solid. If we ever wavered again, though, we would go right back to therapy.

We’re in it for the long haul. That’s been a difficult transition for this former single mom. It’s easy to say you don’t want a divorce… but when you’ve been in bad relationships you know that you have to have a bottom line that would end the relationship. I think over time my bottom line has gotten fuzzier and farther away as I am assured that my husband is not abusive and has the best of intentions.

My practical advice for short committed relationships is to hold off on having sex. I know many will disagree. We felt that there wasn’t room in our three months together to investigate each other’s character and plan a life together while having an intimate relationship… so we waited until marriage. I think your ability to evaluate each other as individuals as well as your compatibility is blurred by having sex early on. And for a short relationship, it’s all early on.

Otherwise, I’d advise to make a budget and talk parenting… perhaps see a therapist beforehand.

Thank you you all.

Does your role in all of this feel clearer this morning?

My role is to just stay out of it. This is the part of my job called “Letting go.” God, it’s hard. I’ll miss the twins so very much. They love me as much as I love them, and they always get soooo excited when I walk in the door. The way it stands now she just lives up the street and I just stop in every couple of days to get my twin fix. Can’t do that anymore if she leaves.

Not only that, my son and his family are moving out of town at the end of February too. All this fell on me yesterday, and it’s all going to happen at the same time.

For me it lasted. Who am I to say what will and what won’t last? You can never really know.

I wasn’t asking if anyone thought this particular relationship would last. I only asked if they ever lasted. Can you tell me a little about your situation @SwanSwanHummingbird? How did you meet and how long have you been together?

We had a whirlwind summer love and married in the fall. I had never been so wooed. It’s been almost 2 decades now. It’s been a roller coaster, but we are still together.

I know that’s not the norm and I wouldn’t recommend it for most people.

@Dutchess_III Get this for them. If they use it, it will be the best money you ever spent!
1000 Questions for Couples
http://www.questionsforcouples.com/

There are a lot of books like this out there, so don’t assume I think it’s the best; it’s just got a lot of questions, which is a great thing.

Thanks @snowberry .

Here is another one. http://www.amazon.com/1001-Questions-Ask-Before-Married/dp/0071438033