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broken's avatar

How do I handle the hurt and stress of a cheating husband?

Asked by broken (36points) July 3rd, 2008

My husband has blamed me everyday for him cheating because I told him I was tired one night and wasnt up to having sex. He has become heartless and now says things like “I was never his type” ” or everything I have done for him means nothing. I am at the point of filing bankruptcy because he hardly keeps a job. Last night he told him that he told the other woman that if I call her she should hang up on me because I am crazy (because I called the other woman he is cheating with at one point). He said she is not worried if I call because she know his heart is not with me. He has never paid rent or mortgage a day in his life and I have carried him and ruined myself financially. I want to file for bankruptcy and then a divorce, but I dont even have the money to get started. I am so hurt. He does not come home except to take a shower and head back out. He hurts me with harsh words. I need to control my emotions, I am a wreck, please help

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24 Answers

wildflower's avatar

Time to go!

Dog's avatar

You have answered your own question and you are right. take it one step at a time and do not stop or doubt yourself.

Do what it takes to free yourself and be sure to get counseling to ensure that you do not pick another abusive jerk next time.

babygalll's avatar

He is verbally abusing you and you don’t need to take that from him or anyone. If you are able to pack a bag a go to a place where you feel safe. Like a friend or family. You deserve to be happy and it doesn’t help if you are with a dead beat like him.

Do you have kids together?

broken's avatar

No kids. We needed to go see a fertility specialist but he never took the time he never made the appointments. During that last 2 years I have lost one of my ovary and I just found out yesterday my other tube in scarred. I was in the hospital for the past two days having fibroids and scar tissue removed for the 3rd time and he never visited or called. I just feel I have lost everything. He refuses to move out, he things I should be a “good wife” and wait until he finishes his affairs OR it is a good time for him to leave. The house is in my name so it hard to get rid of him or leave it up to him to take care of.

jlm11f's avatar

1) change the locks in your house
2) bag whatever little shit he owns in a garbage bag and leave it outside with his name on it.
2) ask cops for a restraining order so he cannot come near you
3) file for divorce
4) make sure you aren’t sharing any financial or other accounts with him. if you are, kick him off them.

these are of course the practical things you should do. as for dealing with the hurt, only time will heal those wounds. throughout the divorce process, decline any interaction with him and just stay away from him as much as possible. i agree with Dog that counseling will help seal wounds and give you a clearer perspective of the whole situation.

i am sorry you are having to deal with this and i hope that jerk gets what he deserves.

babygalll's avatar

I can’t tell you what to do, but if you decide to file for divorce then automatically he is forced to leave the house since it’s not in his name. Change the locks and get a restraining order.

Looks like PnL and I are on the same page. Take charge. Don’t wait for him to come crying back or for him to file for divorce. You are worth it and deserve better. Get him out of your life and start over. You should be with someone who deserve you!

broken's avatar

Thanks everyone, sometimes I just need to know Im not the crazy one. I have to work through all of his, I want to file bankruptcy first so I can protect my wages and he manipulates things so much, I can anticipate him dragging out the divorce. I am looking forward to starting over because it feels like hell right now.

jlm11f's avatar

Good Luck. Remember to breathe :)

cheebdragon's avatar

don’t you dare leave that house! Its yours your paying for it, pack up his shit or throw it out the window and change the locks on the doors! Call the police if he makes a big scene about not being able to get in, the police will ask him to leave since he has no proof of ownership (and you have proof of the morgage being paid by you, right?)
He is trying to make you want to leave, otherwise he would have moved in with her already, he wants the house and he wants to break you down by insulting you and hurting you. Don’t let him take anything from you. Go to the store first thing in the morning and pick up new locks! Once you get this asshole out of your life you will see that the money in your account with start to go up.

lovelyy's avatar

I agree with everything pnl said, so I say start doing it. Also to boost your self esteem go work out, cut your hair, and buy a new outfit. Make him want you again and then reject him! It’ll make you feel great in the end for all the crap he has done to you…at least that helps me so I hope of works for you.

SuperMouse's avatar

Find a Legal Aid office in your area, you can do this by searching “legal aid” with your city name. They will help you take the first steps toward protecting your wages and filing for bankruptcy and should provide help on a sliding scale.

Your biggest priority is your safety, do not do anything to jeopardize that. You probably have a good idea how he will react if you toss his stuff, change the locks, and obtain a restraining order, so make sure you have considered that before doing anything.

You are not crazy, this is not your fault, you will make it through.

flameboi's avatar

@PnL – you really have great answers!
I’m so sorry you are in this terrible situation, you must have the courage to throw it all away, and start over, life is wonderful, no one has the right to ruin yours. You’ll be fine after all, is your time to be brave, leave the guy, and move on… good luck!

broken's avatar

I havent seen my husband in three days because he is “mad at me” for being “mad at him” for not coming to see me in the hospital. I have been going to a therapist for the past 4 weeks. He said he is “narcissistic”. I looked up all the characterisctics and they fit him perfectly. Silly me did not realize that until now. I am definately going to see what my legal rights are because he has a bad temper, even it he is wrong, he cant see. My therapist told me to stop wasting time trying to reason with him because he is basically an “idiot.” My hold up are my finances, trying to file bankruptcy and keeping the house. I am trying to get through this. It it just had to start over when he insists on not moving out. He asked me why I just can’t be cool with everything since it is may fault!!?? I just have to plan carefully and I want to be safe and not set him off.

wildflower's avatar

In everything you’ve said there is not one hint of an indication of him caring about anyone but himself. He’s found a way to take advantage of your insecurity to suit him.
This probably hurts a lot to hear, but try to use it to set yourself free from any sense of guilt or responsibility towards him. You do not owe him any consideration. Do what you need to do to make yourself happy!

autumnofage's avatar

as said before. You change those locks RIGHT NOW and do not let him in for ANYTHING EVER AGAIN

cheebdragon's avatar

just a side note- restraining orders are not usually the best way to go, they tend to upset the person the restraining order is against and if they have a violent temper it usually pushes them over the edge. Even if you had a restraining order and he violates it, you still have to wait for the police to arrive (which can take at least 30min if not more, in my experiance) and that just leaves you to defend yourself untill they arrive….. It’s not a bad idea to buy a gun if you don’t already have one (if you feel he might come after you). I’m only telling you this because it is important to know.

jlm11f's avatar

if he is able to make statements such as “why can’t you be cool with this because it’s your fault anyway”, it reflects a bit on your personality too. it seems to me that you have a low self esteem because you have dealt with this crap until now. in order to truly get over this experience and forget he exists, you must learn to love yourself and believe in yourself. it is very evident that he feels he can push you around and manipulate you with bitterness. you need to let him know with a strong voice and determination that you are through with his nonsense and you are pursuing serious legal action. don’t handle any belittling from him again. we will all give you advice and be there for you, but before anyone stands up for you, you must learn to stand up for yourself. also, this is the time to lean on and get support from your friends and loved ones. there is no need to feel that you need to get through this on your own.

as an aside – and it’s great you haven’t seen him for 3 days. perfect even. gives you time to sort through your feelings and take the steps necessary to get rid of the parasite.

cheebdragon's avatar

Do you know what today is?..................... The perfect day for packing up his stuff!!!

cheebdragon's avatar

its independence day!!!

SuperMouse's avatar

@cheebdragon, your point about restraining orders is a good one that a lot of people totally miss. I’m glad you said it.

babygalll's avatar

You need to do what ever makes you feel safe. It’s your house, so change the locks. Kick him out on his ass along with all his shit. Tell him you are through with him and you are moving on!

IF and that’s a BIG IF he comes back saying sorry. DON’T take him back! No matter what he says or does. DON’T let him make you feel sorry for him. You are a better person than he is. You were the faithful one all these years. He’s a liar and a cheat.

All of us here know you can do it. BE STRONG!

lanita's avatar

ask God for wisdom and guidest,take care of yourself, seek legal advise.and take deep breaths.

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