Social Question

KKBrown's avatar

Would you be offended if you weren't invited?

Asked by KKBrown (66points) March 22nd, 2015

A very good friend of mine got married last week. She didn’t even invite me, I wouldn’t be offended if she only invited close family or had a small wedding, but she even invited another friend of ours that isn’t too close friends with her and from what I hear the wedding was quite big. Should I be offended and confront her with this? She even texted me the day after asking how I am and when she’s back we should go for drinks????

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21 Answers

johnpowell's avatar

She is probably wondering why you didn’t go to her wedding and wants to clear it up. So I wouldn’t go into this assuming malice. Assume the mail got lost before getting upset. Get a few in her and ask “How was the wedding?”. She might respond with asking why you didn’t go.

Earthbound_Misfit's avatar

I’d be very hurt if I thought we were good friends. However, I think @johnpowell makes a good point. She must have the hide of a rhino if she didn’t invite you and then acts like nothing happened. So yes, I’d meet with her and try to get a sense of what happened just in case your invite did go missing. How often do you see this person? Has she had an opportunity to explain why you weren’t invited?

KKBrown's avatar

@Earthbound_Misfit we see each other often, maybe twice a month if not more, we are both busy with family but we make a point of chatting every week and spending time together. It was weird to me as I saw her mom as well, and she didn’t even say anything to me about the wedding. I never got the invite (maybe it got lost, yes, but no one even asked me why I haven’t rsvp’d yet etc) And before when we did speak on the phone she never mentioned the wedding at all, not even once. It was actually a shock to know she got married and didn’t bother to even mention it to me.

Earthbound_Misfit's avatar

That is very odd. I can understand why you’re hurt. If you see someone so often and talk every week and they didn’t mention getting married, that’s strange. I’m pretty outspoken, so I think I’d have to ask her. It might not be good manners, but I think I’d say I was surprised to hear she got married and she hadn’t said anything. Perhaps they had a very small wedding and that’s why she didn’t invite you, but to speak so often and not mention it?

KKBrown's avatar

I honestly don’t understand it myself and I am truly hurt, I am at a loss for words. @Earthbound_Misfit if we weren’t this close, or I knew she only invited family, I would feel differently. But to have a wedding that big, and be one of my closest friends (according to me) and not invite me. It’s saddening and puzzling at the same time.

Stinley's avatar

You don’t know how she feels about this other friend. She may be a lot closer to them than you. I agree that it does seem a little odd that she didn’t mention the wedding but maybe she just didn’t know how to tell you that she wasn’t inviting you. I would maybe ask her about the wedding and mention that you would have like to come to celebrate with her. But the bottom line is that it’s her wedding. She gets to invite who she likes.

KKBrown's avatar

@Stinley I get what your saying, it was her wedding, and her choice. But it still hurts. I think I might just leave it till she comes back and we have that chat. Maybe there is an explanation, otherwise I have to be honest I will be very hesitant in future to just jump and go out with her etc. Maybe be a bit more reserved about our friendship and what it means to her.

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

It is understandable how you feel. I would feel the same way at first. Since you don’t have all of the information yet, my recommendation is to assume that there is a valid reason. Hopefully, this will be sorted should you accept her invitation. And if you care enough about the friendship, how about taking a wedding present with you?

livelaughlove21's avatar

I might be offended, but I wouldn’t confront her about it. First of all, it’s her wedding and she’s allowed to invite or exclude whoever she wants. The last thing she needs is a guilt trip. Secondly, I feel like bringing it up would lead to a very awkward, uncomfortable conversation. I typically avoid those.

Now, after the wedding, I might throw her a, “so, how was the wedding?” but, unless she brought up my lack of invite on her own, I wouldn’t bother.

Honestly, I’ve been to two weddings other than my own, and I think I’d be sort of relieved not to have to go (or turn down the invite). Weddings are boring. Unfortunately I was part of the wedding party for both weddings I attended, so skipping it wasn’t an option.

Earthbound_Misfit's avatar

The wedding has taken place.

jca's avatar

I would go with just bringing up the wedding, along the lines of “So tell me how was the wedding? I bet it was beautiful! Tell me all about it!” and let the chips fall where they may. See how it goes. Don’t ask. Just discuss and see where the conversation takes you.

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

@Earthbound_Misfit If the latest post was directed to me, I should have been clearer. ”...should you accept her invitation to go for drinks,

KKBrown's avatar

Thanks everyone for the advice, for now I think I’ll leave it and just lick my wounds. Until I can find out what the reasoning was, and then I’ll just move on. But I don’t think from my side the relationship will ever be the same again. I can’t think I’ll ever get married and not invite a friend like her, so doesn’t make sense to me why she never invited me. Will let you know what happens.

marinelife's avatar

Yes, I would be hurt. I think the only way to know is to ask her. What you find out may be painful, but it will beat wondering.

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

Let’s look at it from the bride’s potential point-of-view. It’s possible that an invitation was issued and was never received, and this is why she is requesting a drinks date after the wedding. Maybe she wants to find out why you didn’t respond.

It’s also possible that for whatever reason unbeknownst to you, she wasn’t able to issue an invitation. Please give the bride the opportunity to offer an explanation, despite it being post-wedding. Many weddings are a time of chaos, so there are many possibilities as to what might have happened. If you value her friendship, she deserves it.

And yes, please keep us posted.

dappled_leaves's avatar

If I were in the situation you describe, I would ask my friend why I wasn’t invited. It sounds to me as if perhaps you consider her a close friend, and she does not consider you a close friend. If you are close friends, you should be able to talk about this. If you are not, I think it is better that you know that. Maybe she wants to move away from this friendship and is having a hard time admitting it, even to herself. Wouldn’t it be better for both of you to know where you stand with each other? You needn’t “confront her” in an angry way – just tell her you’re worried about your friendship and want to understand why she didn’t ask you to be there.

And I agree that it’s unlikely that the invitation was “lost in the mail”. I don’t care how big the wedding is, she should be aware whether her close friends are coming or not. It sounds like she was carefully avoiding talking about the wedding because she didn’t want to have to invite you.

dappled_leaves's avatar

Was there anyone in the wedding party who you were clearly not on good terms with?

Dutchess_III's avatar

Let us know how it turns out.

fluthernutter's avatar

Agree with @dappled_leaves. Better for both of you in the long run to know how the other feels about the relationship. If you weigh your relationship more than she does, that’s just more hurt feelings down the road.

Plus acting as if nothing ever happened is really bizarre. I can’t imagine a healthy outcome going that route.

Asking doesn’t need to be a confrontation .

Coloma's avatar

Yes, to some of the above replies.
Before you work yourself up into a complete sad and angry mess you just have to ask her WHY you weren’t invited. Just keep it simple, talk on the phone or meet up and simply say : I know you were just married and I am wondering why I wasn’t invited.” You will know pretty quickly if she is playing games or if there a valid reason.

B22Matthews's avatar

I agree with most of the replies, not much I can add, but just don’t be too forward, she might have a good reason unknown to you why she didn’t invite you, and you also don’t want to make her feel bad for it. Approach it lightly. There’s most likely a very good explanation to all of this that you just need to clear up with her. And if you really are that good friends, maybe it’s only coming from your side? Then you also need to find out how she feels and re evaluate your friendship a bit. But wait before jumping to conclusions and find out what the truth is first.

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