Social Question

BlackSwanEffect's avatar

How do I get past this? See details.

Asked by BlackSwanEffect (698points) July 26th, 2015

A few weeks ago I met a girl, in one of the most beautiful places on Earth. She’s like no one I’ve ever met before, and I fear she’s ruined all other girls for me. We spent a few intense weeks together, but for reasons I won’t get into here, it doesn’t look like we’ll be together. At least not any time soon.

My problem is that since this drama, now that I’m back to my normal life, everything looks… grey. Things I usually love doing don’t excite me anymore. My work has become a trance, my hobbies somewhat burdensome, and even my favourite music seems like it’s just noise. I’m still as productive as I ever was, and to all but my closest friends it looks like I’m the same as I was before. But I just cannot be passionate about anything anymore. How do I get past this?

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14 Answers

wsxwh111's avatar

Losing interest in career &hobbies can be a sign of depression, and sometimes depression can’t be easily spotted by any other people around you.
I agree with @janbb it may take some time, and also please try to take care of yourself and reach out for help if the situation keeps going on or turn worse. We are here with you.

DrasticDreamer's avatar

Know that whirlwind romances are more tantalizing than “normal” ways to fall for someone. I know this because I’m speaking from personal experience. They can work out, but they often don’t and for good reasons most of the time. I met someone and probably would have described it the way you did at the time. We talked for years, but it was always from afar due to the circumstances at the time. We both mattered a lot to each other, but we could never establish anything substantial – even though we thought we already had. It was passionate and intense, but it also caused a lot of pain. Funnily, in a way, he ended up moving to my state and now we don’t talk at all, but it’s for the best.

If I were you, I’d try to focus on the fact that it’s usually much more worthwhile to spend time getting to know someone. It might not feel the same, but in the long run it could save you a lot of heartache.

Here2_4's avatar

It sounds to me that you have become convinced that without her around your life has no sparkle. This is clouding your true perceptions. You know the sparkle is there. You have seen it before. Make yourself notice. Point things out to yourself. If you see someone enjoying ice cream, run through your mind the delight of the smooth, the cold, the sweet, and the flavors of having ice cream.
Do that several times each day with a variety of things you know already add sparkle to your life. Soon you won’t need the reminders any more.
By the way, whether you are in a relationship with someone or not, you should not let your feelings for any one person cloud you from the rest of the joys of life. Such a thing will imprison you, and could destroy you.

LuckyGuy's avatar

Maybe this will help.

Imagine it is a cool, bug free, summer night. You are sitting in a blanket watching a fireworks display. It starts with the thump of the lift charge tossing the ball into the air. It rises and spins for 3 seconds leaving a tight spiral of sparks behind. Then there is the flash with two, now three, colors radiating in all directions. The sound and concussion reach you a fraction of second later. The scene is so spectacular you have to restrain yourself from yelling “Wow!” It is an almost magical experience.
But you can’t watch fireworks forever. It is over in 4 seconds. Done. Paper casings fall to the ground. The smell of cordite lingers. You taste and feel a few bits of residue that somehow got in your mouth. After a while, you get hungry. You need to use the bathroom. The sun comes up. The car needs brakes. Your rent is due. Life gets in the way.
These is a reason expressions like “Live fast die young.” “Burning the candle at both ends.” etc. as so long lived. It is becasue they are true.
You can’t sustain fireworks. They are spectacular because they burn out in an instant.

So it is with magical dream vacations and romances. They cannot last.
“She’s like no one I’ve ever met before” I have a secret for you. ... Sit down for a moment as this might make you a bit woozy.

Actually, she is like others. She eats, gets sad, gets sick, gets dirty, gets older, fatter wrinklier, needs to buy clothes, deodorant, makeup, shoes. She even pees and poops – sometimes multiple times per day! You just don’t see the negatives during a short vacation in one of the most beautiful places on Earth. You enjoyed fireworks! Great!

I’ll give you a heads-up. The woman you meet tomorrow will do all of the above things things too. (Except for Ardiranna Lima who, I’m certain, only poops rose-scented, heart-shaped pellets.)
You enjoyed fireworks and are richer for it. You gained a life experience. There will be more. Keep working, eating, and staying healthy so you can enjoy them.
Let the good memory sustain you when life seems boring.
Good luck.

LuckyGuy's avatar

@wsxwh111 Thank you. You know I meant it from the heart.

And I was joking about Adrianna Lima’s pooping. I’m sure she doesn’t poop at all! There are many hundreds of thousands of photos of her on the internet and not one shows her performing any form of bodily function. A firework indeed.

cazzie's avatar

when I read this OP, honestly, it could have been the boyfriend I most recently broke up with. If it is, I need to tell him a few things…. My life is not the ideal lovely place you think it is. I have extreme struggles, struggles too difficult that I have had no other option other than to cut you lose of those difficulties. I don’t do that because I love you less, but I do it because I love you most and I feel like no one deserves to be put in the situation and live I am living. I need all my energy to tackle the problems I have. I could never be a thoughtful or caring mate for you. I could never ask you to give up your life where you are for the speculation of having some a speck of professional respect here, because it won’t happen. Foreigners are not welcome, regardless. You are better off where you are. It may not seem like it now, but trust me, the place I am in is much worse. I am freeing you from flinging yourself off the cliff and into the volcano.

LuckyGuy's avatar

@cazzie That you even thought this Q might be about you means you are, indeed, a very fortunate woman!

Inara27's avatar

It is good you think she is like no other. You really felt something for her, maybe love even. She will always be a special memory. You didn’t go into any detail (none needed), but whatever happened, it means that at least one of you is looking for something than the other does not have. This is not a judgment on either of you, just reality. I ignored it with my first husband, and it cost me more than I care to think about.

wsxwh111's avatar

@cazzie Awwww such cute and caring

BlackSwanEffect's avatar

Thanks everyone. I have been reading and thinking about your responses, but I’m trying to think about it all less, which is why I haven’t responded. I know there is wisdom in each of the ideas here, but it is still hard to get that perspective for myself.

cazzie's avatar

No. @LuckyGuy. I am not. I see things that I could have in my life but only if circumstances were different. Circumstances are what they are. So, no career, no vacations, and no time for a boyfriend.

LuckyGuy's avatar

@cazzie Ah… but you were, and are, loved. Many people do not have that gift.

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