Social Question

thuyle21's avatar

Why is this happening to me?

Asked by thuyle21 (66points) November 4th, 2015

When I interact my friends and family, it mostly feel one sided. I’m always the person they all come to for advice and when they have problems. People listen and take my advice, but I want to have someone that’s like that too.They don’t give me advice, it’s more like “whatever you think is right” but for me I analyze their situation, give them feedback on what I think and help them with a solution. It’s good at times, but there at times I have no one to go to because I would talk to them about myself and they would say very little and go back to talking about them.

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3 Answers

Here2_4's avatar

Here I am.
I know long distance is not the same as in person, but I am happy to read whatever you are willing to type, and I will give you the best feedback I can.
I am sorry you have the problem you do with the people you know. It is a fact that lots of people simply do not know how to give their thoughts about someone else’s concerns. I am willing to bet the people you know don’t do that because of uncaring, but only because they are clumsy about helping.

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

Some people are good ”Timothy” but very poor ”Paul”. They see you as a good ”Paul”, you have the ability to rationalize the situation and extract sound advice, which they trust. They are willing to let you pour into them. On the flip side, they may not feel they have that gift, which it is because you can rarely teach it to anyone. They do not really trust their ability to have empathy for someone enough to render the opinion that is best. Pride can lead some to fear, because they do not want to be wrong and have the fact they gave wrong advice. Then, there might be a few so absorbed with their problems they cannot really see your problem when it is right in front of them or you laid the bread crumbs so even a blind man can follow. If you do not have a place to fellowship where you can connect to someone, you may have to cultivate friends beyond your present circle who have the ability to counsel, and not have so much baggage of their own they can’t bear anyone else’s.

msh's avatar

I can relate. People love to have someone listen and actively guide them with well thought out advice. It’s human nature. Please hear: It’s common. So learn how to be a friend without all the extra baggage it sometimes brings. Or you will end up being everyone’s Sherpa, carrying all those bags!
Now, the whateveryouthinks and the geethatstoobad-nowbacktomes are, as said well in the two fluther answers above, either -‘self tragedy onlys’, or the ’-my, I’ve trained you well, to know it’s all about me!’ And, in essence, they have!
What would happen if you don’t invest so much in what they want you to do? Get angry? Dump you as a friend? I doubt it.
By stepping back, or even away from the role of full time advisor, I’ve found that things change for the positive. It is like re-training them! Right now it sounds like you are valued for your kindness and counsel and personal investment. But, if you don’t get them to change, you’ll begin to resent them in frantic efforts to not fade away and disappear yourself. You need cared for and listened to also! You have to put your self-care ahead of theirs for awhile.
Is it possible for you to step back a little? It’s not easy! You are being yourself, and it’s hard to not jump in and fix or advise. But it’s soooo worth it!!! Your sanity is worth it! :)
This re-training of them, and a little bit for you also, takes some time.
Your friends will miss you, and try to re-establish the old set up. You have to either see them and keep changing the subject when they start to get worked up about themselves, or avoid the situations where they want to drain you. If they start in, don’t make eye contact as much. Don’t validate their worth. Remain quiet, (they usually don’t notice!) When they pause for a needed reaffirmation- don’t. Just smile and tell them that they have an excellent understanding of their situation, and you are sure that they will choose the right answer or pathway. Then say no more. Repeat until understood or excuse yourself away for awhile.
Again, it isn’t your job to guide them to Shangra La- where everything is happy and it will last forever and ever. There are no sainthoods in the business of friendships or family.
While undergoing this change of direction, a help for you -if needed, is to keep a journal. Yes, you can write down how you feel about these changes and retrainings, but it is also great for you to help figure this all out and how to put ‘you’ into perspective also. You matter!
What a great friend you are. Give some friendship back to yourself, Sweetie.
It took me forever and a day to figure this out. I hope I am saving you some time. Love the people all you want, but keep a healthy balance to it all too.
Go forth and add on to your friendships. Others are there to share, not control the friendship also. You’ll do fine!
Take care. Good luck.

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