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neonlight's avatar

How to live when everything seems falling apart?

Asked by neonlight (164points) December 23rd, 2015

They say that nobody is perfect. So this is true. I am no perfect. I’ve made a huge mistake a few years ago and I ruined everything related to my life.

I am at loggerheads with my friends group. We used to do everything together. We were like night and day. One day I got into an argument (totally silly) with one of them and this is the day we stopped seeing each others. I made it a matter of pride and no one seems to care enough to take the first step for the peace. So here we are! It’s been many years since this scene happened and I’ve been missing them like hell that I haven’t given my life enough attention in years.

At first, my pride push me as far away as it can. So everything looked fine and still is looking good but something was/is always missing when I laugh, when I cry, when I remember the dearest moments of a lifetime. The missing part was and is them. All of our memories and moments intertwined. I am living in the past no matter how hard I try to turn my face to the future and its possibilities and it makes me feeling blue all the time. (I scared to get into deppression)

I always wanted to apologize for what happened because it was a silly mistake. I honestly don’t know what kept me from apologizing or trying to fix the problems with them all these years. But I know that each day, each month, each year estranged me from their life. And I was scared/concerned to learn their reaction whether they were able to forgive me or not. I needed to apologize to them because my mind started running away with itself and unfolding all the endless implications of this, every one of them causing my gut to sink and for me to miss them so much even though they’d just been here. I was never going to talk to them again, we were never going to laugh at silly things again, we were never eating dinner again, we were never going to abroad together again, or talk during meeting at work again. It just kept going and going as I realised that this wasn’t just friends group I’d lost, I’d lost a million things, something that was meant to be this constant presence was gone and nothing would ever be as good as it should be again.

So last week I started to see them in my dreams for seven days(!) and I apologized all of them and told them I was genuinely sorry for what I did and If it was possible, I could have travel back in time to reverse everything.

To apologize sincerely is harder than to commit a crime in my perspective because you need the courage to face the inner self and it really was an forgivable mistake but it’s been week nobody answered my email.

I assume I need to move on with my life finally? At least I won’t live with my regrets of not apologizing to them anymore. But it hurts they won’t like to face this issue anymore (I know it’s been years but at least they could be able to say that stay away, I guess) What hurts to most is having so much to say and seeing that not loving me. It is really hard to deal with the pain of losing them everywhere I go and harder living with this regret.

I am still hopeful and I need to start enjoying the life’s smallest thing again. Please enlight me with your thoughts.

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10 Answers

Hawaii_Jake's avatar

Thank you for sharing your situation. It takes courage to tell strangers what happened. You have courage. Good.

I want to make sure I understand one thing. Did you write to your friends apologizing?

It’s not completely clear.

If you wrote to them but they have not replied, I suggest you take a quiet moment by yourself. Light a candle. Think about your loss. If you want to cry, that’s OK. Cry. If the whole situation makes you angry, that’s OK, too. Be angry. The point is to take a moment by yourself and feel all the emotions this situation brings up. Feel them. Let them come. Don’t deny anything that comes up.

After everything has come up, blow out the candle and throw it away. This is a symbol of leaving this situation in the past and moving ahead into your future.

You will often remember things in the future, but you can remind yourself that this situation is in the past. It is not here now. You can move forward.

Good luck.

RedDeerGuy1's avatar

Everyone ruins their life once in a while. Learn and move on. Stop judging your self. You should be angry and not sorry . You are human any one who won’t cut you some slack is an ass hat and it is their mistake which they will end up ruining their life with.

neonlight's avatar

@Hawaii_Jake Thank you for your honest opinion. I appreciated it.
I did write to my friends for apologizing last week and they were not seem enough to reply my email.
It’s been years and they still live in my head. This is the problem. I can’t walk away from them because we left things incompleted. It makes me so sad. I am truly grateful for everything that I have but I am not happy nor saddest person on earth. It feels like I am useless.

Hawaii_Jake's avatar

@neonlight I don’t know where you’re writing from, so it’s a little difficult to suggest what might work for you. If it’s available, I suggest you try therapy. You can go to a psychologist or a priest and tell your story. They will have some good ideas for getting your friends out of your head.

Also, I must add that I fully understand you when you say you fell useless. I have felt that way in the past. Meditation helps me move through difficulties. I suggest you try the little ceremony with the candle I wrote about. Give it a try. It might help.

jca's avatar

@neonlight: If you are communicating by email, it’s possible that they no longer have the same email address since it’s been years since you’ve spoken. That’s the bad thing about email – people’s email addresses change and unless they tell you, you have no way of knowing. That’s the good thing about Facebook. People are usually the same on Facebook forever. Anyway, back to your issue – is it possible to call them or write a letter?

neonlight's avatar

@jca by emails I meant facebook messages,indeed. They have seen the message and online on/off ever since. I wrote a long customized letter each of them. Since they didn’t answer my message, it is not right to occupy their privacy eventhough I would die to hear their voices again!

neonlight's avatar

@Hawaii_Jake I write when I feel blues. I read positive and motivational qoutes in order to feel a little of everything. Actually I already tried te candle thing.
Do not know what else to do

msh's avatar

How sad. I’m so sorry that this happened to you. It was hard to go through it the first time, and now you are putting yourself back there over and over again. You are putting yourself through all of the upset, regret, hurt feelings, etc. That’s not good for you.
When this silly thing happened, you must’ve had some pretty strong feelings to leave and stay away. It hurts now because you believe no one cared enough to stay in touch with you despite this little disagreement. Do you still believe that you were right in your reaction at the time, or are you reducing what you thought then to not be as important now, because they went on without you and you feel that lost your friends over this point? Were you speaking what you thought, or the truth then? Only now you think you might’ve been wrong just because it caused all these problems? Think on this. You believed it true enough then, why change now?
Are you missing the people, or just the times when you did such fun things such as travel, and work together to see each other at meetings, or to go out and have some fun? Is it just getting older that makes you miss them more for what they were at That Time in your life?
Your mind is working on this, and when you go to sleep it is still doing that job. Your dreams where you apologize to each and say what you feel now-as to what you wish had happened then, helps you to heal. That is what you are supposed to do. You work problems out in your mind as sleep allows you to do so.
@jca was right. Perhaps these people have changed email carriers, changed sites, or may not spend as much time online. I am not sure however, that joining Facebook is the answer to this. It has it’s pluses and it’s minuses in usage. Taking it on to set up and start communicating may be a bit much for you, at this time.
You have, essentially done everything that you can possibly do to get in touch. If you are all still living in the same area, do you wish to set up a neutral meeting spot for all of you to meet for coffee? You could mail invitations out, if you wished to.
Big question: you are at a cross road right now. Perhaps as you are changing and taking on the next stage in life and are now possibly mourning the loss of who You Were then? Could that be it? Is your emotional upset about yourself and turning your face, as you say, in a new direction? That is scary. A part of life, but scary sometimes.
You are in mourning and sadness. That it is increasing with time is concerning. You need to stop a moment and think about how to make yourself feel better about things, and then once you have a better idea about what You need, you can decide upon your course of action.
One way to do this is to go and speak with someone who does this kind of work- helping people with hard situations like you are feeling bad about now. It sounds as though you have spent a great deal of time on your own thinking about this and hurting inside. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to stop having to feel so bad? You are worth that. You deserve that- no matter what the terrible things that are ever-present in your head, believing that you did so horribly wrong for a moment so long ago.
Deep breath.
Please find a councilor, or ask your doctor if they know of someone to speak with. You need to feel good about you. You need to forgive yourself- whatever you feel bad about. No more soul-searching by yourself. You will make yourself sick over this. Don’t do that to yourself.
Go gently on ‘you’ in your mind.
Find someone to listen and talk.
You will feel so much better.
Stop in to let us know how you are.
It’s going to be alright.
Take care.

rojo's avatar

How do you live when everything seems to be falling apart?

In small increments.
You make it through the moment. A win.
You make it through the hour. A win.
You get through the day. A win.
You get through the night. A win.
You get through two days, the week, the month and so on. All successes.
Every little victory brings you closer to feeling better about things and about yourself and you live your life instead simply existing and waiting for the past to catch up.

Tellitasitis's avatar

Buddhist nun Pema Chodron wrote a book entitled “When Things Fall Apart”. I recommend you read it.

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