General Question

LBM's avatar

Is there ever a reason to fall out with your Mother? If so, what would it be?

Asked by LBM (893points) June 27th, 2016

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85 Answers

Aster's avatar

She has passed on but I cannot imagine ever dropping my mother under any circumstances. Lots of people do it, though. They think she deserves it. I have been around family who “fake it” around a parent to keep the peace, though. I can imagine doing that but not with my mother!

LBM's avatar

@Aster Thank you for your reply, it is much appreciated. I would like to comment more about the reasons behind my question, but I don’t know how people will take to me here yet, and it quite a sensitive and very sad topic for me, but thank you.

BellaB's avatar

I think that if someone is being abused by someone, they should remove that person from their life. I also think everyone’s definition of, and tolerance for, abuse is different. Definitely not a one size fits all proposition.

janbb's avatar

@LBM Welcome to Fluther! This is generally a sensitive and caring place but people react differently to each other at times. You must find your own trust level and it may change back and forth.

My Mom – who is dead now – and I had a stormy relationship at times. I never completely cut her off but there were times of greater distance. I agree that a total break can be warranted at times but certainly can be very sad.

filmfann's avatar

My wife forgave her mother for all the abuse she suffered at her mother’s hands.
How bad was it? She has scars, inside and out, and is profoundly deaf thanks to her mother. My wife even once witnessed her mother attempt suicide with a rifle in the mouth.

Seek's avatar

I cut off contact from my mother in October of 2007. There is a restraining order in place and she is not even allowed to contact me with a go-between. As far as anyone new that I meet is concerned, I’m an orphan.

I have no intention of “forgiving” that woman or allowing her poison to spread to anyone else that matters to me.

The reason is physical, mental, and emotional abuse.

Coloma's avatar

If a parent is abusive or addicted yes, but if you’re just mad because your mom won’t let you go to an all night concert on a school night, no. haha

canidmajor's avatar

There are so many reasons one would cut off contact with their mother, mental and/or physical abuse being the obvious reasons. We are raised to believe in some sort of Sainted Maternal archetype that simply doesn’t exist. Many many people have lovely, “normal” families, where there are certainly differences of opinion, opposing views, and maybe some anger issues that are not too intense, but there is an underlying sense of trust and safety and love.
Many other families have no such trust or love. Children are helpless, and when they grow up learning that the very people who were supposed to protect them instead betrayed them, it is often in their best interest to then walk away.

LBM's avatar

Thank you all for your honest replies. Makes my situation less serious. She wasn’t abusive, but I believe she didn’t do her motherly duties, and that she let me down at the worst time in my life.

canidmajor's avatar

“Abusive” can be a very fluid term, @LBM. I can’t, of course, speak to your situation, but trust your instincts. If you feel you need some distance, respect your feelings. Assess whether it would be better for you or not. Good luck with whatever a decision you might make. :-)

LBM's avatar

My parents are divorced. My Dad passed away last year from cancer. My Dad was everything to me. I don’t have siblings, and my Dad was single. I was very scared, very angry and grieving for what was happening. My Dad was diagnosed at stage 4. I only have my boyfriend and my Mother. When I called my Mother, I would cry and shout because I didn’t want to lose my Dad and I had no one else. She would hang up the phone on me. Or would ask me “what’s up with you now” when I would be crying.
After my Dad passed away, she called me and I was upset. She told me I should be over it by now, that her Dad has died and she “didn’t carry on ” the way I was.

si3tech's avatar

@LBM My mother too is no longer living. I can’t imagine anything that would have caused me to fall out with her. I was only 23 years old when she died in a tragic accident. I felt so cheated as I had a good relationship with her then (having survived the teen years) Now I am a mother and grandmother who has been ostracized from both my daughters and my granddaughter. I have not seen or heard from them in 16 years for the youngest and 20 years for the oldest and my granddaughter. I have tried on several occasions to make contact. I have written all and apologized for what ever it is I have done wrong, please forgive me.

janbb's avatar

@LBM It’s very upsetting when you turn to a parent – and now the only one you have left – for comfort and they are not supportive. That must hurt. She may be reading scripts of her own – maybe still mad at your father? – but in any case, she is no good for you right now. It’s up to you to choose what you need to do to take care of yourself. It may be possible that you don’t need to make a formal break but some distance for a while while you are grieving may be important. And do find other places to get comfort – friends, an SO, or a support group for the bereaved.

I’m so sorry you are going through this hard time.

I

LBM's avatar

@si3tech that’s absolutely dreadful, I am so sorry you have gone through, and are going through all that. I really hope you make contact again, so sad, I’m so sorry.

LBM's avatar

@janbb thank you. I have tried to tell her how I feel, she just thinks I am in a bad mood. She keeps saying she will give me a few week, and then she will ‘text’ me. I just reply back that I am still not over my Dad dying and I never will be.
They parted ok, they got on better once divorced. When he was poorly, she would call him once a week, and visited him a few times.
She just doesn’t think. 8 days before Dad passed away, he had a severe stroke and lost speech completely. Mum asked me to ask him if she could visit. I told her he couldn’t speak, she told me to just ask him.

Don’t have any friends, I am a bit of a loner, have my boyfriend, and he tries his best.

Coloma's avatar

It sounds like your mother might be jealous of your relationship with your father and is annoyed at the depth of your grieving. Pretty selfish and grossly immature for a mother to behave that way towards her grieving daughter. I’ve been divorced from my daughters father for 13 years now and while I do not like the man, ( obviously, I divorced him ) I would never think of not showing respect and caring towards my daughter in a situation such as this. She has her conflicts with him too but he is still her dad and of course she is going to grieve him should he die.

Jeruba's avatar

The answer is yes, there are such reasons.

But it’s best if a path to reconciliation can be found. If not, maybe the best course is just acceptance, perhaps from a distance.

One to two years is considered a normal period of time for grieving the loss of someone close.

si3tech's avatar

@LBM Am I reading that right? She “will give you a few weeks and then she will text you”? As a mom I cannot imagine what she’s thinking. Please know that others care. I care. Hugs.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Mothers are not perfect. They are never perfectly mature or all wise and all knowing. They are just people. Try to find someone else to pour your feelings about your dad out to, other than your mother. As an adult, you need to spare her your anguish, because she’ can’t help you. That is no reason to have a falling out. Get a counselor.

My mother had Alzheimer’s the last years of her life. My folks divorced back in 1981. One day, i n2005, we were driving along and she said, “I heard that man died.”
I said, “What man.”
She said, “Oh, that awful man I was married to for 22 years. ... Was he your father?”
I laughed and said, “Well, you always told us he was!”
She was able to laugh at that herself.
Obviously, though, she was not in any position to really commiserate with me, other than to say, “I know he was your father and I’m sure you are sad.”
But did she give a shit? Nope! She hated him!

Pachy's avatar

Yes, mothers are not infallible, but there’s also every reason not to carry grudges. It’s impossible to reconcile after a family member is gone.

As an adult I had a few minor fallings-out with my mom but they never lasted long. We loved each other dearly so there was never a question we wouldn’t make up… just a bit of time needed to talk it out and get over hurt feelings.

Dutchess_III's avatar

@LBM How is your relationship with your mother outside of this?

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

Yes. The reasons are the same as for anyone including fathers, friends, siblings.

Anyone who cannot respect clearly defined boundaries has earned the option of estrangement.

If that decision is made, let us hope it is made with all the information available from all parties involved. Rejecting a parent is a profound decision. Often the decision is made without truly understanding the rejected parents point of view. Sometimes they won’t even be heard on the matter.

If one rejects a parent who is viewed as narcissistic/borderline/sociopathic, then lacking empathy for that parent may signify those traits are developing in the one who rejects them. In this way, the disorders are passed along to the next generation, under the guise of healing. A kind of healing by hatred.

But if a child can overcome the temptation to completely reject, and show empathy for the rejected parent, yet set healthy boundaries, then the disorder is answered with love, and not transmitted to the next generation.

Love heals all if allowed to. Especially tough love.

cookieman's avatar

I did.

My mother likely has narcissistic personality disorder. A diagnosis she rejected and went on to self-medicate with chain-smoking and Valium for years. She was volatile and unpredictable and lied constantly but I put up with it because my father begged me to.

When my father died, I talked with her for three months about our relationship. I basically said I wanted her in my life if she could do three things: stop lying to me, stop trying to pit me against other family members, and treat my wife with respect.

Finally she said she was tired of talking, she was who she was, and if I didn’t like it I could go fuck myself.

I told if she ever changed her mind, she knew where to find me. I never heard from her again.

Cruiser's avatar

No…none that I could have imagined with my mom.

Mimishu1995's avatar

I think I’m in the same situation as you @LBM. My mother doesn’t seem to know how to handle her child’s need for emotional support. When I come to her for comfort and tell my story, she will take some details of the story and make assumption. The assumption always has something to do with me messing up. Yeah, sometimes I mess up, but there is time when it’s completely not my fault! To sum up, she always assume that it’s my fault that I’m in my situation. It’s pretty tiring when you come to someone for comfort only to be told a plain “deal with it”.

But maybe it’s just me who has too much conflict with her. She is conservative and seems to be obsessed with what people think of her (my culture plays a big part here), while I’m a free soul and embrace the difference. She seems to do better with my brother who is a mama boy and still childish for his age. I know she doesn’t mean anything and outside of that she does care, that’s just something I wish she could change.

LornaLove's avatar

If any person is abusive, including a mother, I would personally fall out with them. What does that mean? If the person did not respect my boundaries, was emotionally or physically abusive, manipulative or violent.

Sometimes though one has to be realistic in our expectations of people. Sometimes you cannot turn a pear into a banana. Meaning, if it just isn’t in that person, then acceptance comes along. May I suggest you share with your friends your grief? It might help you heal faster.

trolltoll's avatar

My mother subjected me to years of psychological torment until I was 14. It literally did not stop until the moment I told her that the way she was treating me was making me want to commit suicide.Our relationship has always been strained, and there has been at least one year-long period where we were not on speaking terms, although I would have preferred to have been. Lately, we have been getting along better.

Heather13's avatar

@LBM

Wish I knew. I am having thr same issue. I feel both angry and sad. I feel stuck.

Zaku's avatar

There are mothers who molest and/or abuse their children, or more commonly, allow the father or stepfather to molest and/or abuse their children, and so on. Abuse can include non-physical abuse, criminal behavior, endangering others, and other awful things that aren’t the responsibility of other family members (even children) to get involved with in any way. Sometimes it’s best not to interact at all with some relatives, even parents.

ibstubro's avatar

Toxic people are toxic people.
Sometimes you have to rid yourself of them without regard to familial relationships.

I’m now 55 and I broke with my parents at around age 22. I have not regretted it.

Dutchess_III's avatar

This is such a serious issue. My one daughter keeps trying to have a falling out with me, for whatever reasons. (She’s kind of always been that way…) She’ll get mad and cut off contact for several weeks, then come back like nothing has happened. The family knows her pattern. One time my oldest told her, “You need to stop doing that. Mom isn’t always going to be around, you know. How would you feel if she died today, at a point when you’ve decided again you’re never talking to her again?” I thanked my oldest for pointing that out, because I didn’t want to be the one to do it. I don’t ever want to guilt-trip my kids.

That shook my one daughter up sufficiently so that she doesn’t go quite as incommunicado as in the past, or for quite as long, but it’s really something to think about.
Would cutting your mother off be something you would regret when she dies and can never be in your life again?
Think about that.
On the other hand, if you felt some regret that things could never be OK between you when she was alive, but also relief, then cutting your family member off might be the best thing for you.

cookieman's avatar

“_Toxic people are toxic people.-”

Amen @ibstubro.

Dutchess_III's avatar

I agree @cookieman. But I think it’s important to recognize the difference between toxic, and a simple difference of opinion or feelings, even though that difference of opinion can be quite an emotional one.

LBM's avatar

@si3tech Yep, that is what she says. See, my Mother thinks she is cool for texting, I’m not sure she realises I am 37, not 17. I have been telling her for years that I would rather speak than text, but she doesn’t like to be a standard mum, never has been.

LBM's avatar

@Dutchess_III When I was little, she was great, but she has always wanted a sister or a best friend type relationship. She would tell me her sex life, and I didn’t want to know. She always said I just wanted her with a blue rinse. I just wanted a Mum, not a sister.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Well, it sounds as though she is immature. I mean…is that grounds for cutting her off?

LBM's avatar

@Dutchess_III I love her, she is my Mum, but I don’t like her as a person. When Dad was poorly, I would tell her how I felt and told her if she carried on how she was treating me, I would resent her, and I do. I have asked her to apologise, and she said ” for what ”. I told her I don’t want to speak her to her until she does, so she text me and said sorry. I don’t want to cut her off entirely, we will never be the same as my Dad was everything to me, and I do feel she let me down.

LBM's avatar

She is very immature. Her husband always told her to calm down, but it is just how she is.
She is jealous of my relationship with my Dad, we were very close.

cookieman's avatar

@Dutchess_III: I think the answer is “time”.

My mother started displaying toxic behavior when I was 14. I gave her the benefit of the doubt, turned the other cheek, talked it out with her, and put up with it at my father’s urging until I was 38.

I think 24 years was enough time.

janbb's avatar

@LBM I would suggest you stay away from her for now and let yourself grieve. You don’t necessarily need to make a permanent break but if you would like, you can tell her you need some time apart to work on your sadness. Then find the support you need. You don’t need to let her “rent space” in your mind right now if it is not helpful to you but you don’t need to abandon the connection forever.

Dutchess_III's avatar

I’m sorry @cookieman. It must hurt to remember that she was an OK mom before you turned 14, then turned into something else.

LBM's avatar

@janbb I would say that is a good idea. She is like a teenager. Can’t describe it in text, but when you say something to her she doesn’t agree with she says ‘right’ with the teenage attitude.
I suppose in her defence, she just doesn’t know how to deal with me.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Well, you’re old enough now to be the grown up in this situation @LBM.

cookieman's avatar

@Dutchess_III: Certainly. She was, by my recollection, a good mother when I was a kid.

@LBM: I think, at a certain point, regardless of the relationship (mother/child), you really have to decide how you want to be treated and work toward getting there.

LBM's avatar

@cookieman I just wanted her to realise my Dad had dies, not had a cold. That I am and will always miss him and grieve for him.
She is definitely jealous. Just after Dad died, she called me to say she had a cold. She asked why I weren’t bothered. I said it was just a cold. She told me she could pneumonia and die.

Dutchess_III's avatar

She’s a drama queen. Can you try to avoid subjects that might ignite that tendency? Does she love you?

@cookieman that has to be harder than having a crappy Mom for as long as you can remember.

LBM's avatar

She is that. I think we just annoy each other. I think text messages can be misinterpreted, you can’t hear someone’s tone, and we are both guilty of that. That is why I say for us to speak, but she thinks I am 5 and that texting is modern!
She is possibly the same as me, she loves me, but doesn’t like me as a person.

Seek's avatar

Is this the part where I say I wish I had your problems? because I wish I had your problems.

janbb's avatar

@LBM Once again, I think you just need some down time away from this relationship. She is probably feeling jealous and confused too about her feelings about your Dad’s death and you just aren’t good for each other right now.

LBM's avatar

@janbb Thank you for being so nice and understanding.

Dutchess_III's avatar

I hope you stick around and let us know how it turns out in the end, at least as far as this situation goes.

LBM's avatar

I hope to. I am liking being here so far.

Seek's avatar

Yay new jellies!!

LBM's avatar

@Seek You don’t have to reply to my thread if you don’t want to. What have I done to offend you?

Kardamom's avatar

@LBM I don’t think Seek is offended at all. Her mom is very awful. Yours sounds pretty bad too, but Seek is just saying that she probably wishes her situation was at least within fixing range which it isn’t.

I hope that both of you are able to find a solution and some peace.

Dutchess_III's avatar

No, @Seek is Good People. She came out of a pretty awful childhood and what @Kardamom said. There is no reconciliation or going back for her. As to “Yay new jellies!” she was welcoming you.

Seek's avatar

I’m sorry for the confusion. I am not offended, and I hope I have not offended you. “Jellies” is the colloquial term we use for members here. Short for “Jellyfish”. The word Fluther is the term for a group of jellyfish.

And I’m sorry for being flippant. Your mom does sound, as others have said, a bit immature and annoying, but hardly malicious. It is of course up to you how you pursue your relationship with your mom going forward, but from my perspective it sounds like more of an “I need a break” issue than a “sink the ships, burn the bridges, and salt the land” problem.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Yay that ^^^^ Jelly!

LBM's avatar

@Seek OK, I’m sorry. You haven’t offended me.

She’s not malicious at all, not abusive in any way. Just not a great parent. It is absolutely a take a break situation, a long break, but a break all the same.

stanleybmanly's avatar

Did it again

jca's avatar

@stanleybmanly: Did what again?

stanleybmanly's avatar

I erroneously posted a reply to a text message here. I’ve tried in the past to eliminate an answer, but once posted, there seems no way of cancelling it. You’re forced to write something.

Dutchess_III's avatar

A semi-newbie just posted this question. I don’t know if it will help put things in perspective for you.

LBM's avatar

@Dutchess_III Yes I saw that. Although my mother isn’t like that, she has still hurt me. My Dad has died and she hasn’t supported me in any way, while he was poorly and since he has passed away. It may not seem a big deal to people that this hasn’t happened too, but it is a very big deal to me, my Dad was my absolute world.

Dutchess_III's avatar

I know why you’re upset and angry. I saw it in another thread. I’m sorry about your dad. When a parent dies it’s like this dark, empty, bottomless void opens up just a step ahead of you. It’s frightening and sad. It’s like nothing else, isn’t it. My father’s dying took us all by complete surprise…it was totally unexpected. It was a horrible shock.

I’m sorry.

LBM's avatar

@Dutchess_III It is my worst nightmare. I never imagined my Dad would die, especially not at 63 and they way he did. It was so cruel. I was with him constantly, he final week I was with him 24/7. Mum knew exactly what he was going through, and all I wanted was to release my feelings. I don’t have children, but if I did and they came to me and said I was no good, and I was hurting them, it would break my heart and I would do everything to change how they felt.

Sorry about your Dad, I don’t know how if feels to lose someone suddenly, but I know the heartache at the loss of a much loved parent.

Dutchess_III's avatar

My Mom’s was far worse….it was very long and very painful. Very long.

Do you have someone else you could talk to? A brother or sister, or relative or friend? It’s obvious your Mom can’t give you what you need in this situation. (BTW, what did she think of your dad?)

LBM's avatar

They got on better after they divorced. When they first split, she didn’t move far away. Dad lived at number 44, mum moved to 65!
The more I aged, into adulthood, the younger she treated me. Hard to explain. When Dad was diagnosed, mum cried, and said he wouldn’t die. She visited him twice ( she moved to just outside Scotland, and Dad was in Nottinghamshire). I just think she’s immature and doesn’t think before speaking. She once text me for me to tell dad she was sorry he was going to die, and that if it was her first husband, she would be glad, and she would like to visit him while he was alive. This was when he was in hospital. Obviously I never read that out. Her husband would always tell her to shut up.
Have no siblings, or any friends. I tend to keep to myself. I visit my Dad’s brother and sister about every 6 month, but they are in their 80’s.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Sounds like she has some unresolved issues herself. Sometimes the child has no choice but to be the adult in some situations. That’s what I think has fallen on you.

LBM's avatar

Well, this has come to a head. It was her birthday on the 7th, I sent her flowers and chocolates. I sent a note saying it was a shame we werent’t talking, as I would have called her that day. She TEXT me to ask why she had to say sorry to me. I told her she knew why as I had told her times, and repeated my reason.
She said she drove all the way down to me, to be at the funeral, and that she didn’t have to. I said I didn’t ask her to, but again, what I was upset about. She said she wasn’t grovelling to me. I told her she had hurt me a lot and that if that was how she felt, then to leave me alone. She said, OK bye.
I feel sad, but not in the way I have lost my mother. I feel sad that she thinks what I have been through, what my lovely Dad has been through, is so menial. I never thought she would be like this.
But all’s good. Just thought I’d update this thread, with it’s ending.

janbb's avatar

@LBM Sad, though.

Dutchess_III's avatar

I guess I don’t understand why you would drop your mother over this. It sounds like she didn’t really care for your father. You’re a grown up. Why do you need your mother in this situation? Why can’t you just leave her out of it and move on?

LBM's avatar

@janbb Yes, it is.

@Dutchess_III Think we dropped each other. I think you were right earlier, she was jealous of our relationship. Her and my Dad’s relationship was very much improved after they divorced, they often spoke. I just don’t think she knew how to ‘handle’ me. I don’t need her, and I am happy to move on from her now.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Is this all because of this one thing that she didn’t handle the way you wanted her to? Or are there a myriad of problems reaching back to childhood?

LBM's avatar

@Dutchess_III This one thing was my Dad, who means the world to me. I would give anything for my Dad back. I don’t mean to be snappy but I love my Dad so very very much. We were very close. I have never been close to my mother.
She was good when I was little, no complaints. She was a normal mum. Since I left home, we haven’t got on so well. She doesn’t like to speak on the phone, only likes to text. Texts can be unpredictable, as you can’t read someone’s tone, so we would clash greatly. For the last 10 years, we have probably seen each other 10 times. We never speak on the phone. We are strangers to each other.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Your behavior is almost identical to your mothers. Neither one of you are acting they way the other thinks they should and you’re both mad about it. I am just flabbergasted by the immaturity shown on both sides. Two peas in a pod.

One of you needs to grow up, and I don’t think it’s going to be your mother.

I think you owe her an apology, and simply don’t bring your father up around her and get on with what’s left of this one imperfect life that you both have, as best you can.

LBM's avatar

Thanks for your repky, but I won’ t be apologising to her. I am not bothered to have no contact with her. I also will not not mention my Dad. He is my Dad. I was simply updating this thread.

BellaB's avatar

Why did you do this:

I sent a note saying it was a shame we weren’t talking, as I would have called her that day.

Seems like an effort to instigate something or score points.

Why not just send flowers with a birthday card that simply said Happy Birthday?

Dutchess_III's avatar

I think she wanted to rub it in. She wants to punish the old lady because ”...she didn’t do her motherly duties…” the way the daughter thought she should, regarding one major event in the daughters life. It would kind of make sense if the daughter was a child, or even a very young adult, but she’s in her 40’s and should know by now that her mother is just another imperfect human being. And it’s getting close to that time when the tables turn, and the daughter will need to become the caretaker.

LBM's avatar

Firstly my mother isn’t an old lady. She is 63, that is not old.
Secondly, I have never had a great relationship with her, I won’t bore you with all the details as it seems you have all already made up your mind about me.

I am not a heartless bitch, I loved my Dad with everything I possibly had. I have no interest in my mother, and I haven’t long before my Dad got ill. Her nothingness towards me was simply the icing on the cake. But I guess you don’t want to consider there might be a bigger picture.

My Dad had never been ill, suddenly for 2 month, he wasn’t keeping food down. The doctor diagnosed everything but cancer, even said at one point it was in Dad’s mind. Dad was 6ft tall, and always had been of slim build. He went down to 9 stone. He was finally diagnosed at stage 4 with spread to his liver. He couldn’t eat or drink with having to go to the toilet within 20 minutes. He had no symptoms of cancer, only this. No pain at all. He was severely depressed. I was with him the whole time, seeing him suffer so badly. He did not want to die.
He responded to chemo very well, and even managed to have a break. But he was stuck in doors, as he needed a toilet nearby.
The Gastrointerologist told him he was an enigma, as they couldn’t stop him going to the toilet. He then got blood clots in his lungs. I also had him admitted to hospital 4 times as he was going to the toilet 40 times a day.
When he restarted chemo, I was trained how to flush and dress his PICC line. I went to every appointment with him.
When we went for his last scan results, they told him the chemo hadn’t worked. That he had 3 broken lower lumbar bones and had 2 week to live. They wanted to keep him in hospital for the day to manage the back pain.
He was so distressed and scared, he had a stroke, a severe stroke. It left him unable to move or speak again.
I moved in the hospital and never left his side. I had to decide on end of life care, and how I wanted him to be looked after. It broke my heart completely. I have no siblings, so had no one to help me.
So yes, I am a little upset that my mother wasn’t bothered about what I was going through and would hang up the phone to me. Even her own husband would shout at her, and tell her to listen to me.
I sincerely hope you are never in a situation like that, as it was the hardest year of my life.

I am leaving this thread now, before I leave the whole site.

janbb's avatar

@LBM Please stay. It sounds like you’ve been true to your own feelings and nobody here should be trying to invalidate them or criticize you for them.

ibstubro's avatar

Take a break from the bitch.
If, after a time that seems reasonable to you, breaking contact doesn’t break you heart, make it permanent.

Kardamom's avatar

@LBM Please don’t leave.

I have known, and know of, people like your mother. I can’t imagine what would make her act the way she does, but it is not helpful to you, or healthy for you, to continue to have a “real” relationship with her. Your dad meant everything to you. Lots of us understand that completely. You were probably the best thing that ever happened to him, and I’m pretty sure he knew it. You should be able to grieve in your own way, in your own time, and not have to put up with your mother’s antics, or lack of care.

There’s no telling why she’s like she is. Maybe you have some sort of an idea, but it really doesn’t matter. You need to care for yourself and not bother with appeasing her, or coddling her, or explaining anything to her beyond what you already have done.

If you can put your trust in a close friend or any family member, close or distant, that would be helpful. If you don’t think you have someone that fits that bill, it might be helpful to find a local grief support group. Two of my friends lost their father in a similar manner to the way you did, in an extremely sudden manner. They have been going to grief counseling with a group for a year now, they are coping. Their sister didn’t go. She is having a much harder time, and she also doesn’t confide in family or friends. I fear for her health and sanity.

I hope you will stick around here. I’m afraid some of us may not quite have grasped the gravity of your situation, although, I’m positive everyone here wants to offer an ear, some comfort and some useful advice, even if some of that advice (and some of the questions that were asked of you) were kind of clunky. There’s enough folks around these waters that actually do understand and can empathize. Please don’t leave. Just ignore the turkeys and have as much conversation with the helpful Jellies as you can.

Dutchess_III's avatar

I would like to submit that we are only getting one side of the picture here. People seem to be making judgements about a woman, the mother, based solely on the stories her angry, 42 year old daughter is telling us.

Reading between the lines, it’s sounds like Mom simply got worn out by her adult daughter calling her and sobbing on her shoulder a lot, after the father died. She finally told her to “get over it.” I get the impression that she said that very recently. The father died “last year,” so it has been anywhere from 7 to 18 months ago. I agree, that’s not very nice, and there is no statute of limitations on grief, but to be an emotional sponge for other people can be exhausting too, especially if you don’t have the same, strong feelings for the situation that the person leaning on you does.
Maybe the OP just emotionally over taxed her mother, who is 62. Maybe that was just not very considerate on the OPs part.

And then, the other day, on her mother’s birthday, she said I sent a note to her “saying it was a shame we weren’t talking, as I would have called her that day.” @BellaB called her out on it, and rightly so, IMO.

I guess I take this stance because I’m in the Mother’s position with my 31 year old daughter. Hell, I’ve always been in that position since the child was born. She’s got some sort of love-hate thing going on with me. She even comes up with the most outrageous “memories” of her childhood. It used to scare me, wondering if I was really that horrible, but my other two kids assure me that I wasn’t. My ever-tactful son just mildly said, “Well, she has different memories than I or (older sister) do. ”

She also uses me as an emotional sponge. She’ll call me crying in frustration, just venting over some recent development, and if I don’t respond exactly the way she wants me to, she cuts off all communication with me for weeks at at time. It’s heartbreaking, because I love her and her four kids, so very, very much and I just don’t know what to do. I can’t fix it like I could when she was little.

But she also had the good sense to get counseling, so she can have someone else to pour her frustrations out on, and to get advice that she won’t reject out of hand (because it comes from me.).
Hell I finally went to counseling to try and figure out what I can do to help her. I love her. I don’t want to hurt her, but apparently I can’t give her the responses she wants.

What’s even worse, is I’ll see her gearing up to make a decision, and it’s a train wreck ready to happen. If I try to tell her it’s a bad idea, she becomes very angry with me, and cuts me off.
Then a month or two later, a train wreck happens, and again, she calls me crying and crying, then cutting me off because I’m not responding right. I mean, I CAN’T respond correctly. Any way I respond is wrong. Even if if I just listen in silence and offer commiseration, no advice, it’s still wrong.

Sorry for the length, but there are two sides to every story.

Mimishu1995's avatar

Regardless of which side you’re on, it doesn’t matter now. She left.

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