General Question

sundrop1's avatar

(My story) How should I deal with my husband's ex?

Asked by sundrop1 (8points) July 30th, 2016

All three of us went to high school together. I was acquaintances with her and we hung out occasionally with mutual friends, and some small talk on social media. He had a very rocky, on again/off again (mostly on her part) with her in college for about a year. My now husband apparently had a very obvious crush on me during high school, and I was just oblivious, but we were friends then and we would hang out. He hardly knew she existed I think because she would always skip class.

When he dated her in college she would break up with him, “date” some other guy and he would always be there for her. He told me when they dated that she would mention me often and she was very aware of his crush on my in high school, often bring up things she thought were my flaws, and even accused him of cheating on her with me! I was living in another state at the time! ...Until he broke up her, and a few months later we dated and we are now married. It’s been six years and we are now approaching our 30’s. I thought after a year or so things would settle down with her. I kept hearing gossip through mutual friends like “That guy is abusive, you shouldn’t date him!” (more like she was to him in reality), calling me every name in the book (behind my back). She sent some tough guys to go pick a fight with my (now) husband. She would follow me in a way when I was downtown. Walk into a shop that I was in and sort of stare, run ahead of me then stop. Since we have a lot of mutual friends I couldn’t help but notice that she would be blocking/unblocking me all the time on FB.

Now, I know this sounds ridiculous and you would think that most people would just disregard it, but she is somehow very convincing and unassuming. Also she is very beautiful, and always single so guys seem disillusioned and willing to help with whatever she asks.

Through all of this I’ve never understood why she has put so much energy into doing whatever it is that she’s doing when I’m just the kind of person who wants to be everyone’s friend.

We have a lot of mutual friends and I sometimes hear gossip about me and sometimes him (from her) through these friends.
Once again you would think that these people would know better as these ideas she’s feeding them are way out there, but she seemed to have a very covert way of of manipulating people. I have always believed in the idea that the truth will catch up with her… and everyone.

However, it’s been six years… I few years ago we moved to a city a few hours away, I thought she had settled down, but I noticed again that she’s blocking and unblocking me. Lol… I’m just baffled. I saw an old friend recently that mentioned she said something as well, who also seemed to take her seriously. I’ve only had one friend say eventually, and apologizing about going along with her schemes. He said he felt like she was using him as a “spy” to learn more about my life with my now husband.

Anyways after all of this I haven’t bothered to ask for anyone’s advice, but frankly it’s creepy even more so she has a violent past. All I’ve ever done about this is just ignore it, but I’m still baffled, and genuinely feel sorry for her because she seems so be suffering in a way.

I’d really like her to get over whatever it is she has issues with and move on with her life and stop creeping on me (us). I understand I probably can’t do that.

I’ve thought about sending her a message saying that if there was something she would like to say she could talk to me, but I don’t know that she’s capable of talking civilly and I’m afraid it might just make things worse. Or I could block her one of these times she unblocked me, but again not sure that would do any good?
Again we have a lot of mutual friends, how do I deal with her if I would see her at an event that would require conversation? AKA our High School reunion (very small school) So far I’ve just ignored her like I said.

Sometimes I want to give up and disconnect myself from these friends/acquaintances, but it just seems wrong as it’s not their fault of course. Or I want to quit social media, or take down stuff that’s public (it’s not personal, but I know she’s creeping on it).

Feel free to ask me more, but I’ve probably already told you more than you wanted to know. Thank you for reading my story, much love for making it all the way to the end! <3

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22 Answers

imrainmaker's avatar

I hope you have told all the things mentioned here to your husband also. If you haven’t then do it ASAP as he would know her better than you and understand your position. Also you don’t have to feel sorry about her a bit looking at the creepy ways she’s been following to harass you / paint you and your husband in a negative way in front of your friends and acquaintances. Don’t ever put your guard down even if she starts behaving nice with you. But most importantly keep your SO informed so that you both will be together in this!! Wish you best luck and peaceful life ahead..)

zenvelo's avatar

In addition to the good advice from @imrainmaker, consider this: break off all contact through social media. Don’t friend her, and don’t accept invitations from her. And talk to your husband that it is time for both of you to move on.

You aren’t in school anymore. If you run into her socially, be polite and smile, but don’t engage with her. If she challenges you, just say, “we’ve cut back on the number of connections we have since we have moved and we are so busy.”

Put her behind you.

sundrop1's avatar

Thank you so much for the feedback! @imrainmaker @zenvelo.

Yes my husband is aware, however most of the “attacks” have been towards myself rather than him since they broke up. He’s just kinda like “eh” about it, not much that can be done. I agree, but after 6 years of this I thought it might be a good idea to get some more feedback. XD

Also, with the social media thing, she deleted me (as a friend) once she found out we were dating, long ago. That doesn’t seem odd at all to me. But since we have a lot of mutual friends it’s hard not to notice that her comments appear and disappear on mutual friend’s posts, and I realized she had been blocking/unblocking me very recently, even though I hadn’t interacted with her at all in many years.That’s what I was trying to say earlier I suppose.

imrainmaker's avatar

You’re welcome..)

jca's avatar

Ignore and forget the drama. Life is too short.

If you ever see her at an event, smile and say hello, and “keep it moving” meaning walk away. If you are faced with her again, say “It’s a great party, isn’t it?” and then keep it moving.

chyna's avatar

Block her so you won’t see her comments. You don’t need to know what she is saying, it will just upset you. You are in control of your own life and your own social media. If you are like me, I have accepted friend requests from high school classmates that I really could care less about and hardly even know. Maybe if you delete your account for a few months she will stop trying to annoy you.

BellaB's avatar

Block her. Once you’ve done that, she won’t be able to block/unblock you.

Move on. If friends (those people are not friends) continue to bring her up in conversation – change the topic. There is no need for grown-ups to be playing high school games like this.

Really – it’s time for you to say eh/whatever if she comes up in conversation or if you see her.

At some point, you are going to have to move on to your own circle of grown-up friends.

JLeslie's avatar

I think she was right, your husband was into you while dating her. I’m not saying he actually dated you while dating her, but he was emotionally absent from their relationship. He treated her badly. Unfortunately, it still drives her crazy that she was treated like shit and that she was right—you two are together. Think about it.

You should block her for her sake and for yours. Make some new friends, stop being so much in the “high school” circle and let it rest. Show her some mercy. You got the guy. The guy who I’m not sure is so great, but hopefully he is, and that was just young, stupid dating bullshit.

Possibly, your husband can call her and apologize, but I just doubt that would happen, and I don’t know how she would receive it.

jca's avatar

I wouldn’t ask the hubby to call her and apologize. I’d just remove myself from the situation by blocking her (that’s great advice) and ignoring her. When others try to talk to you about her, change the subject. Ignore the girl totally and get on with your life.

sundrop1's avatar

Thank you @jca @chyna @BellaB. It’s been helpful to me to hear feedback (from people not even remotely involved). I’m not terribly upset as it may come across in this post, more so confused, but I guess I have the describe the upsetting things in order to explain the situation. The only thing I’ve worried about with blocking her is that she might enjoy the attention that I’m aware of her antics. Or she might see it as a sign of weakness, and flip out in a worse way? Hopefully not though.

Thanks for your response @JLeslie. There is a bit more to the story than I explained. By the time he started dating her this “crush” occurred three years ago I was pretty old news by then and living in another state I barely exchanged small talk with him once maybe in that whole year? He didn’t leave her for me, although I believe she may believe that. She regularly called him worthless (and every other name in the book), hit and beat him regularly (she may not be that strong, but still…), she convinced some of her guy friends that he needed the “shit beaten out of him” and regularly received threats, she also wanted to go on shopping dates (paid by him) only after a month of dating despite knowing he was a broke college student. He was naive and really cared for her and she knew it and took advantage of it. All this time she claimed he abused her. He’s still the same nice guy I knew back then and hasn’t done anything remotely abusive to me. I believed him, but it was really hard to imagine her like this until I had witnessed it first hand.

I agree about the new friends thing. The new friends I’ve made have been very refreshing. But these friends I see every so often are really the only ones I know from my hometown. I suppose I’ve got to become cool with pretending like nothing happened around them.

chyna's avatar

@sundrop1 If you block her you will never know, nor should you ever care, if she thinks she won. She sounds like a lunatic and I can’t imagine not blocking her.
Leave the drama behind and just enjoy your relationship with your husband.

Coloma's avatar

@sundrop1 Yep, I’m with @chyna This girl/women has never left high school and clearly, is obsessed with how she feels she was wronged. Don’t worry about what she thinks, block her before YOU become any more obsessed with what she is saying and doing.

jca's avatar

Block her and who cares what she thinks about it – you won, she won, who gives a shit what she thinks. You’re going to be moving beyond giving a shit about what she thinks. As far as your friends go, if they start talking about her, tell them you don’t want to hear it or if you don’t want to talk like that, just pretend you didn’t hear it and change the subject.

JLeslie's avatar

@sundrop1 You don’t get it. You might not have been thinking about him, because you lived far away and only talked to him once, but she knew you were on his mind. He did things to tip her off that either he was going to cheat, going to leave, or thinking of another (you). See, men behave the same when they are willing to leave or cheat or are actually cheating. Their emotional absence is the same in all three cases.

You are thinking of you and her. I’m talking about her and him. How he acted within the relationship.

I’m not saying she wasn’t abusive and nuts, I believe you, but her behavior doesn’t excuse what his behavior was. I’m just guessing, but since you two are together, I think my guess is likely right.

She was a horrible girlfriend, so no surprise he was mentally half out of the relationship. She knew it, she knew she might lose him, and maybe demonstrated even more possessive, abusive behavior as she felt him slipping away. This dynamic happens all the time. Often it’s the man being extremely controlling and possessive and jealous. The very thing he worries about he creates, the more he tries to put his SO in a lockdown box, the more the girl wants to escape. Many people don’t leave right away though, it’s very complicated. Men already have the physical threat almost built in being bigger, stronger, and taller than us. Since your husband’s situation was the reverse, the girlfriend was the jealous controlling one, she brought in some thugs to physically scare him.

It’s sounding very gang like. Stay far away. If people in your group think that’s all sort of normal, it is in some circles. However, it’s not in other circles. Get away from it.

Block her, new friends. Out of sight out of mind. Pray she finds a new boyfriend who sends her head over heals.

sundrop1's avatar


Thanks for explaining further. Of course my viewpoint is biased so that’s why I’m asking the internet, so thank you. :) I see what you mean, he may have had some kind of subconscious feelings during that time. The one time I did speak with him which was just like small talk while they were together. It’s like I didn’t even exist, I mean he was polite and everything, but I really didn’t think he was interested in cheating on her with me or hoping for some possibility of us together. Or he was just having a horrible day. Most of that year sounded pretty horrible for him.

Yes the people in my group would think that’s not normal at all. Yet none of them know. However I think one of the main reasons I’ve been holding on to some resentment or confusion is that my group has no idea any of this has been going on. I haven’t spoken bad of her, or at all to anyone. Like I said, if I did I doubt anyone would believe me. I didn’t believe it at first! I had always thought she was so beautiful, kind, and peaceful. It just feels like a very awkward position to be in (at least for me).

Being able to talk about it is helpful. I’ve just being ignoring it for what seems like forever!

JLeslie's avatar

@sundrop1 He may not have been consciously thinking about cheating on her. People often suck at being realistic about what they are capable of. They don’t think of themselves as cheaters, they may never even cheat, and so they believe in their mind they are doing nothing wrong. Yet, while they aren’t quite happy they reach out to another for some happy. Someone who makes them feel
Better for a short time. It might just be a quick conversation that goes nowhere, or it might wind up going somewhere.

How long did it take for him to ask you out once they broke up?

sundrop1's avatar


He broke up with her when they had gotten together briefly, that was the first time he had ever called things off, it was always her before. She agreed, but I don’t think she really agreed with being broken up with. Around that time I had moved back to my hometown (no idea any of this was going on). He wasn’t aware I had moved either. And a few months later (I think about 3?) I was the one who asked him if he wanted to hang out. We hung out as friends quite a few times before it started to become more like a date. We didn’t really become a “couple” until about 6 months after they broke up.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Well, you solved 99% of the problem when you guys moved. I don’t get why you don’t block her on Facebook, once and for all and be done with it.

jca's avatar

Block, ignore, change the subject when it’s brought up, move on with your life. Life
is too short.

si3tech's avatar

@sundrop1 If you block/unfriend/stop following her then would you be aware of her blocking and unblocking? That seems simplest. Good luck in moving past this creepy person.

JLeslie's avatar

@sundrop1 That’s good. Take everyone’s advice and be the one to disengage from the situation.

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