Social Question

RedDeerGuy1's avatar

Has anyone tried to change you, or you them?

Asked by RedDeerGuy1 (17708points) October 31st, 2016

How did that work out?

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

13 Answers

stanleybmanly's avatar

In my youth it was always women, strong women accustomed to getting their way. Back then I seemed to attract “dragon ladies”, and some of them were rather fierce.

zenvelo's avatar

Yes. It didn’t work. Never does, unless the person wants to change.

Zaku's avatar

Yes. Conflict, misery, depression, madness…

Espiritus_Corvus's avatar

All the above. I wouldn’t exactly call the women of my earlier years dragon ladies. They were usually a little older and more experienced. I listened and learned a lot. Women, starting with my mother, have always been the best teachers.

I had a girlfriend once who was very beautiful, extremely ambitious for both of us and extremely status conscious to the point of being jealous of other people’s successes. I realized quickly that I couldn’t affect the way she saw the world. It lasted until the physical attraction wore off.

imrainmaker's avatar

Only you can change yourself in true sense. Others can only guide you or direct you towards what they think is appropriate. I think the people who are your critics are more likely to affect you if you’re sensible person. I always try to take it in a positive way and see how I can improve myself using that!!!

DarknessWithin's avatar

In a way, yes.

In 2008, my early college years, I had a classmate in English who was a devout Catholic. We’d started having lunch together after class, one could call it dating, he did admit having an attraction to me.

After a while, it became a struggle to tolerate having a conversation with this guy, Louis, because he could never leave Catholicism out of it and maybe halfway into the semester our class read the play ‘A Doll’s House’. The essay prompt of whether or not Nora, the female protagonist was right to leave her husband Torvald at the end sparked some controversial discussions between us about divorce about which we had conflicting views.
He of course, was convinced of the bible’s claim that it was a sin except in the case of abuse but being the child of a single mother who’d left her first husband, my father because an age gap made them quite different and she was no longer happy, I believe in concepts like marrying the wrong person for the wrong reason and respect for oneself and one’s right to happiness.

It got to the point where he wanted to convert me. I’m pretty sure he even once directly told me as much and he kept wanting to take me to the Catholic church literally right next to our campus, which I always refused by saying, truthfully that I had to catch my bus home.

We ended up in an email conversion in which he told me that he feared my soul was damned because I was not Catholic and did not believe divorce was a sin.
That was it, I’ve never felt more uncomfortable in my life, I wanted nothing more to do with him.

Fortunately, he was due to transfer after that semester was over anyway, so I got rid of him without even trying.

If anyone happened to see the point that religion/beliefs/lifestyles being pushed on me in my answer to the relationship dealbreaker thread…yup, this is why.

ucme's avatar

Ha, good luck with that!
Last time I was changed involved my mother & a nappy

ARE_you_kidding_me's avatar

Once I found that rare unicorn who did not try to change me too much is when I finally married. Probably the biggest red flag that a woman is not mature is that she will try to do this. It happend so much when dating in my 20’s that it pretty much became an instant deal breaker. The correlations to other signs of immaturity were unmistakable after a while. It was always the first to come out though. I can’t really say there were any guys that ever tried to change my behavior except my father and thankfully he had some minor victories on a couple key issues.

rojo's avatar

We all try to influence others around us to meet our own needs or expectations more so when you live with someone. You modify your lives and lifestyles both to accommodate each others idiosyncrasies.and to make your own life easier; sometimes by design, sometimes without realizing you are doing it.

Mariah's avatar

My first boyfriend wanted a feminine, quirky, avant-guarde girl. I was not that, but he thought if he had me sit through enough of his movies that I would become that. I did not. I broke up with him.

The first guy I went on a date with in college wanted a super-geek girl. I was almost that, but not enough. He wanted me to play DnD with his friends while he was away on his study abroad so that I’d be well trained by the time he got back. I told him before he left that I was not interested in starting a relationship with him.

The guy I dated after him wanted a manic pixie dream girl. I was almost that. But he didn’t like that I sometimes had emotions other than bubbly-happy, and he didn’t like that I drank and partied, or that I refused to be glued to my phone every time we were apart. When I went to Maine to do a school project for a summer, he constantly needed to know what I was doing. When I came back, he was thrilled by the changes he saw in me. That summer did change me into something closer to what he wanted. The only problem was I didn’t want him anymore. I broke up with him.

I’m almost 3 years into my relationship with Matt now and I think he likes me the way I am. The only thing he’s mentioned is that he wishes I were more patient, which is valid. I’m okay with people trying to change me if it’s in the form of encouraging me to be something that I already want to be.

Lonelyheart807's avatar

Anyone who has ever tried to change me has found out how impossible that is. But if I think a lot of you, I might decide to change out of love.

Darth_Algar's avatar

No, but I’ve not stuck around with anyone long enough for them to try that. I have a very low tolerance for bullshit and a very well-tuned radar for it.

olivier5's avatar

Yes, and it never worked. People hardly ever change, other than when they hit rock-bottom and it becomes a matter of survival.

Answer this question

Login

or

Join

to answer.
Your answer will be saved while you login or join.

Have a question? Ask Fluther!

What do you know more about?
or
Knowledge Networking @ Fluther