How can someone find true love?

Be a friend to strangers and not just people you know.

Be part of things that interest you and,like clubs, groups,and so on and and it will find you.

What is true love? Do you mean the romantic love between a couple? The love of a parent or child? Or our love for a friend or companion? Love takes many forms. Your view of ‘true’ love might be different to mine.

So what do you consider ‘true love’?

Meet a lot of people, have a few relationships and figure out why they haven’t been “true love” then maybe you’ll have an idea of what you’re looking for in a true love.

I can only tell you what worked for me. The first thing you need to do is take an open and brutally honest look at yourself. What are your flaws and how can you change them so you can be the kind of person you admire. Then you make a list of attributes you are looking for in a mate. The list can be detailed (likes to dance, doesn’t drive like a maniac, wants to have 2 kids…etc) or generic. I personally used the generic list and had three items on it: Has to be capable of rational thought, has to be able to face reality without the aid of pharmaceuticals (legal or illegal), and has to be with me because they want to be with me, not because of something I can provide for them (home, money, things). You’d be surprised how many people were cut out because they couldn’t meet those three things. Once you have you know you and you have a list of attributes you would like to see in a mate, let it go. It is okay to date others but don’t compromise. Don’t be in a hurry. Don’t settle. You will find that someone will come along that will meet most of your criteria and who is equally drawn to you. First wife I married because I thought I was in love. It lasted 9 painful years and then I had to deal with her for another 16 until the kids were grown. I didn’t have any preparation and didn’t recognize the issues. I was in love with the idea of being in love. My second wife easily met my three criteria and wasn’t just putting on a show. It made me happy and excited to just see her from across a room. We are at our 16th anniversary next month and still going strong. We have problems like every couple, but we talk through the issues and help each other through the tough times. We still kiss like newlyweds. You need to put your mate ahead of everyone else and we do that. Good luck to you on your search!

Thank you everyone for the amazing answers, very very appreciated. You all are so wise and kind.

Finding true love is not a guarantee, but I do think that there are a lot of lids, for a lot of pots. I don’t go in so much for the one and only one soul mate. That’s mostly the stuff of fairy tales.

There are people who get very lucky and find a person with whom they really like, and also love, but even those people have problems and hiccups, and that is completely normal. Most of those people are still pretty happy. Just don’t go looking for the night in shining armor Cinderella story, or you will be sorely disappointed.

Also, make sure you know yourself and what you will and will not put up with, and what you really do want from a real relationship (not a fairy tale relationship, because those don’t exist).

Most people have certain “deal breakers.” Know what your real deal breakers are. I’m not talking about hoping for a man that has a perfect nose, and a perfect height, and a perfect job. What I’m talking about is not putting up with someone who is abusive in any way, or not settling for someone who smokes (if that is one of your real deal breakers, it is one of mine) and not getting together with someone who is a known cheater (one of my friends is currently in the middle of a divorce, because she was willing to date, marry, and have children with a man who was a known cheater. She actually knew it ahead of time!!!)

Figure out what your real deal breakers are. You might start with a lot of them. Some people think too much about how people look, rather than what kind of person someone is. I had one friend who simply refused to date anyone who was under 5’10”. She dated at least a hundred men in a period of 3 years (after she got dumped by her “perfect” boyfriend when he started cheating on her). Anyway, she dated a lot of creeps, bores, and narcissists, because the most important thing on her list was looks, especially height. She really didn’t pay any attention to what these fellows were like, and actually turned down some very nice fellows that didn’t meet her height standard. She ultimately married a jerk (in my opinion) who fit her height and looks criteria. We are no longer friends, partly because she went man crazy and started neglecting her female friends. Don’t do that. Even if you find a person that you want to be with, don’t neglect your other friendships, or you will become very lonely. Your friends, your good friends, want to be with you, and want to be part of your life with anybody you are dating or who you marry.

A good relationship gives plenty of room for other friends, and your own family. If you get together with someone who doesn’t want to give you time for those other people, they are not a good catch. Also, if you are the one who only wants to be with your boyfriend/husband (or female equivalent if you are gay) you are not a good match for someone else. Do not place all of your emotional needs with one person. One person can’t live up to all of that.

So now for how to find a good mate. After you’ve worked out who you are, and what you want for your life (including being a good catch, yourself) you have to go where those good people are. I would avoid looking for a mate online. Although it is certainly possible to get lucky finding a mate online, the odds are against it. It’s better to meet people in real life, in a way in which you can get to know them for awhile, without instant intimacy.

I’ve read your profile and it looks like you are interested in lots of stuff. Don’t keep that stuff to yourself. What I mean is, go get involved with doing the things you like, where there are other like minded people (male and female, because you want to make friends too). Be busy doing what you like, but do it where there are other people involved in the same things that you like. That is where you are most likely to find people that are better potential mates for you. But still make sure that you really know what your deal breakers are, and give people a chance, even if they don’t look exactly like you have dreamed they would.

I know for myself, that I have fallen in love with people, later, down the line, after I got to know them, even though they didn’t fit my idealized stereotype of what my mate should look like. But that doesn’t mean that you should stay in a relationship with someone with whom you have no chemistry. Chemistry is very important. It’s just not the only thing. You also need to find someone who you really, really like, and who likes you back. Don’t invest years of your life trying to make someone like or love you. You will find out soon enough if they like and love you. If they don’t, move on. And when you move on, don’t sit around pining away. Give yourself a month, but no potential new person is going to be attracted to someone who is pining away for someone else.

I’m not saying that you should immediately jump into a new relationship a month after you’ve had a horrible breakup with someone. You shouldn’t. You should give yourself plenty of time to get past (not exactly get over, because in some ways, you don’t ever get over people, they just change you, and how you look at things) the shock and anger. But you should also not have a dramatic breakdown after every date you have that turns out not to be the one.

But the most important thing is to know yourself well. Know what you are really looking for in a mate, but be willing to try out people who aren’t exactly perfect (because no one is perfect for anyone). Know what your deal breakers are, and be fairly up front about them early on. I have a dear male friend who wanted to have a relationship and get married for years, but he did not want to have children. He dated one woman for a year and a half before they discussed wanting or not wanting children. They were already deeply invested in each other. She had just assumed (wrongly) that they would get married and have children. They had a very sad and painful breakup when he told her that he never wanted children. When I was consoling him, I said that the kids thing should have been a second date topic of conversation. He was shocked. All of my women friends agreed with me. Wanting kids, or not wanting kids is an extremely important deal breaker. I can’t imagine not discussing that in the very beginning. I’m not saying that you should suggest to a date that when you are married…. That is too dramatic, but there are many subtle ways to mention that you either expect to have children, or that you don’t want children, on a second date.

Also, what I have come to know from the people in my life who have happy successful relationships is that both parties would be perfectly OK by themselves. They are whole people. Be a whole person. Other people don’t need or want you to be their project or their ward. Two whole complete people in a relationship together is a wonderful thing.

Love questions give me a headache. And any time I used the word in my younger days, it always got me in a jam.

You can’t It either happens or it doesn’t. Lots and lots of people go through life thinking they are in love but love can take many forms. To me, true love is an overpowering thing and totally consumes you, and no one can know what that is unless they experience it like I have.