Social Question

partyrock's avatar

Is it wrong for a woman to initiate sex with a man ?

Asked by partyrock (3870points) December 8th, 2011

We’re both friends and I think we both have an attraction towards each other. I know usually women are not “supposed” to make the first move, but I really dig him, and I feel very comfortable taking it to the next step. I’m not afraid of being the one to make the first move either. We’re friends and get along so it’s really no pressure and comfortable. Would you guys say that if a man really liked me he would make the first move? I plan on sleeping over his place, and from there we’ll see how it goes.

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49 Answers

partyrock's avatar

I haven’t felt this way about a guy for a while. I wouldn’t even know how to technically make the first move, but I feel like when we hang out I’ll know better where the night or date is going.

I’m not sure if I should just be bold and blunt, or be demure and subtle about it. It’s that feeling when I talk or see him I get really nervous and happy, like butterflies in my stomach.

chyna's avatar

I don’t know where you got the idea that it is wrong for a woman to initiate sex with a man, but that is not true. Maybe back in the puritan days, but women have the same sex drives, wants, needs and lusts as a man. You will have to figure out how to go about it that is comfortable for you.

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

Tell him you want to see him try something on for size… and then bust out the condoms.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

Just relax and be honest with him.

marinelife's avatar

If you feel it, do it. Just don’t expec t that the sex will necessarily turn into a relationship. Enjoy!

Repo_the_Genetic_Opera's avatar

Say it bluntly. Believe me, he won’t get it until you blatantly say, “Hey, I’d like to get it on.”
But no, that’s not wrong.

Blackberry's avatar

Wtf? Dude…just do it.

gm_pansa1's avatar

Do whatever makes you happy. As the saying goes “Whatever floats your boat.”! ^_^

submariner's avatar

What country are you in? If you live in the US (not everyone on fluther does), then it should go without saying that you can initiate sex. It is quite possible that he likes you but does not want to make the first move because he’s not sure how you would react and he doesn’t want to lose you as a friend. But it may be a bad idea to go directly from “just friends” to trying to initiate intercourse. Do you want a relationship with this guy or just sex? And do you want to remain friends if it turns out that you two are not romantically or sexually compatible? Proceed with caution. Be honest to yourself and him about what you (think you) want, and don’t start anything if you aren’t prepared to follow through.

El_Cadejo's avatar

Wrong? No, its fuckin hot.

King_Pariah's avatar

As @Repo_the_Genetic_Opera said, just say you want it. Us guys aren’t so good with hints at times.

wundayatta's avatar

Damn! I wish every woman would make it more obvious when she wants to jump a guy. But no, it can’t really be that way. People are risking something when they express their feelings and they really want to know whether they will be told yes before they ask. So people hint instead of asking straight out because they aren’t sure, and some of the time, the sex is there for the having except you don’t recognize the woman wants it.

It’s not wrong to initiate sex. For many men, it will be a relief if you do. I’m glad you’re willing to ask. Lucky guy.

ANef_is_Enuf's avatar

I wish I could have captured a picture of my face when I read the title of this question.

Go for it. There is NO reason that a woman can’t/shouldn’t initiate sex.

ETpro's avatar

I’m sure it depends on the guy, but I like it when a woman I am close to makes it clear she’s interested in being intimate with me. I’m can well imagine that you feel some reservations. What if you haven’t read the signals correctly. What if he gets offended at your forwardness. Well, welcome to the club. We guys feel all that too. And that’s why I find it refreshing when a woman makes the first move and relieves me of all that worry.

partyrock's avatar

@submariner – I live in California and so does he.

If a relationship does not work out then I’d still love to be friends with him and have him in my life.

Being brought up I was taught that men should always make the first move, that’s why I wasn’t sure if I hit on him(or whatever) it would seem desperate you know?

I want to sleep with him, but I can also see something deeper and lasting happening between me and him.

partyrock's avatar

@ETpro—I just wouldn’t even know how to make the first move ? Like when I get to his apt… what next ? What do I do ? What should I say or tell him ?

I do not want to come off as desperate, or possibly get shot down. I think if me and him got to his place I would know then by the mood and how he would be acting towards me.

partyrock's avatar

@King_Pariah – When I get to his place should I just say “Do you want to have sex?” lol. I’m not sure how to go about it !!

I’m getting nervous even talking about this. Or would it be better to just make a “move” and kiss him ??

bob_'s avatar

Fuck no.

partyrock's avatar

Would it be better to ask him directly if he’s attracted to me and wants to….... or should I just plant a kiss on him when the moment seems right ?

bob_'s avatar

Tell him you’d like to watch a movie. Sit very close to him.

partyrock's avatar

How do you guys do this with the fear of being rejected? I’m so nervous even imagining it, or the possibility that he could reject my advances.

bob_'s avatar

If you don’t take the risk, you don’t drink champagne.

everephebe's avatar

Confidence. Confidence. Confidence. I’d nonchalantly say something like, “You know I’m attracted to you right?”

partyrock's avatar

@everephebe – But men are the ones that are supposed to chase and make the move on a girl first right ? As a guy would you rather make the first move, or would you be put off If I kissed you or told you I wanted to sex you ?

ETpro's avatar

@partyrock Surely you know how to flirt. Flirt. You know how to seduice. Seduce. You don;‘t have to just blurt out, let’s f**k. I’d recommend against that. Just ramp up the flirting and seduction till he knows clearly what’s on your mind and responds to the cues. That way if he isn’t interested, you retain plausible deniability. :-)

partyrock's avatar

@ETpro That’s good advice,thanks !!

everephebe's avatar

“But men are the ones that are supposed to chase and make the move on a girl first right ?” What? Says who?!?

“As a guy would you rather make the first move, or would you be put off If I kissed you or told you I wanted to sex you?” Um, no & no. You can tell a guy you what to sex him up. It probably will give him an automatic erection. Hell many non-pushy men will wait for a girl to initiate. Don’t be creepy about and you are good.

Are you insane? He is a guy. If he is not gay, overly religious, not in a relationship and thinks you are even decent looking… Consider yourself already laid.

everephebe's avatar

You are over thinking this. Unless you enjoy drama, just ask him if he fancies you.

Aethelflaed's avatar

The idea that guys are “supposed” to make the first move, or initiate sex, or whatever is total crap, and very few guys actually pay any attention to it. You make up your own dating rules, with whomever you’re with at the time. You won’t come across as desperate, and on the off-chance he’s a guy who would actually interpret it that way, he’s not really someone you want to be with anyway.

ucme's avatar

No it’s right, very, very right!

Bugalu's avatar

You want him, go get him…I’ve found I’d probably still be waiting if I hadn’t made the first move.

Ayesha's avatar

I like what @RealEyesRealizeRealLies said. Nice.

rts486's avatar

I wish they would do it more often instead of waiting for the man.

wundayatta's avatar

You look him in his eyes. Smile at him all the time. Touch his arm repeatedly. Then put a hand on his thigh. You sit close. Maybe run a finger along his jaw. Lean in close like you want a kiss.

You don’t have to say a thing. If he doesn’t respond to these signals, then either he’s not interested, or he’s as clueless as I was. To determine if he’s clueless, you might ask about past relationships, or you could rely on your knowledge of him. Has he any experience with relationships? Hopefully you will already know this from talking to him, although this does seem physical on your part. But if it’s physical, then he’s probably had experience and if he’s had experience, he will pick up on your cues.

They say that nothing happens until the woman decides it is going to happen. Usually neither men nor women are aware that it is the woman’s choice. The men always think they are the aggressor, but the women can cool it off whenever they want. This doesn’t always turn off all men, but it turns off almost all. It’s the woman’s choice.

You simply know very consciously what you want and so you can plan your seduction. Just have fun with it. Don’t say a word. Just do what you feel like doing. Nice and slow. Let it build. Keep the tension going, so he won’t be entirely sure, but when he makes his move, go with it.

tedd's avatar

Not only is it not wrong, if done properly it can be downright hot.

I always enjoy when the woman is the one initiating.

plethora's avatar

All of this advice is good. Men do like it when the woman makes the move, and if he doesnt maybe that says something about him that you ought to know….like is he controlling? @ETpro is particularly on target. Flirt. Kid him… in, “Ya what I’ve been thinking about?” Then don’t tell him. Tease him….and then when he demands to know…..say, ohhhhh…..just been thinkin about giving you a little kiss sometime…but not now.” Make him beg for it.

sleepdoc's avatar

I would say some men at least would really like it

Paradox25's avatar

The only thing that is wrong is following old dating rules. Don’t do too much though and let him do something as well. I’ll leave it at that.

Bugalu's avatar

My husband loves it when I jump him! :))

AnonymousWoman's avatar

Why on Earth would it be wrong for a woman to initiate consensual sex with a man… unless she was doing something like initiating sex with another woman’s husband or boyfriend?

partyrock's avatar

@AnonymousGirl – I asked because he is a friend and I have a puppy crush on him.. I do not want to see desperate, and afraid of the fact that he could reject me. So I was not sure if I should let him make “the first move” sort of thing. I don’t want to seem like I’m chasing him, get it ?

AnonymousWoman's avatar

@partyrock Yes, I do. I didn’t read all of the responses before I posted my answer. I’m just saying that it’s not wrong for you to initiate sex with a man just because you are a woman. Maybe try asking him how he feels about friends with benefits relationships if you’re not sure and let him know that you’re interested in trying one out with someone you respect who respects you as well if that’s what you’re after. If I’m misunderstanding anything, please let me know. Thanks! ^_^

partyrock's avatar

@AnonymousGirl – I’m actually scared to be rejected how weird is this! I don’t think I’ll be blunt, but when I see him I’ll probably just “vibe it out” lol… Me and him are just friends so it’s gonna be interesting to cross that gap.. I hope it goes well… and if me and him do hook up, or kiss, or whatever, it doesn’t ruin the friendship or make it seem “weird” afterwards. I just want everything to turn out good between me and him. I’m rambling now. I’ve never really hit on a guy before or make the first move so we’ll see how this goes….

AnonymousWoman's avatar

@partyrock Ah, see. This can be used to your advantage then. It sounds like you need to reprogram some thoughts in your head. The only thing you seem to be desperate for is the “right” answer – the one that will help you get your wish and allow you to keep your dignity at the same time. You don’t seem desperate to sleep with him, even though you want to. You are being careful and cautious. Are those the actions of a woman who is desperate for the reasons you’ve said you might seem desperate over?

You might be surprised at what a guy will agree to…. you might be surprised at how many guys would LOVE to have a relationship like the one you’ve described… with a woman who is totally willing…

You might even be surprised that if you had exactly this kind of a relationship with another guy and talked to him about it, he might even be jealous.

I understand your fears, but I think if this guy is willing to go through with your wishes and let you go as far as sleeping at his place, he wouldn’t mind having sex with you as well.

The way this society is, you’d actually be doing him a favour if you initiated it. There are several guys who keep their mouths shut about their sexual fantasies about their friends because they don’t want to be viewed as “that creepy guy” or the guy who will be accused of sexual harassment.

It’s actually BETTER if you initiate it. That way, he’d know you actually want it and he wouldn’t have to worry about offending you if he feels the same.

john65pennington's avatar

Don’t be pushy in this situation.

Let him be the hunter and you are the game he is seeking.

It will be better for the both of you, in the long run.

Listen to what your parents taught you.

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elbanditoroso's avatar

The ironic thing is that men go through the same angst that you are all the time, and no one has much sympathy for the man.

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