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AnonymousWoman's avatar

How do you deal with unwanted same sex fantasies (NSFW)?

Asked by AnonymousWoman (6523points) September 20th, 2017

I have a very good relationship with my boyfriend, but lately I cannot get the thought of sleeping with a woman out of my head. My boyfriend isn’t the type of guy who wants a threesome or to share me with anyone, which at least he is more fair than the average guy I know. But these thoughts are driving me bananas. I don’t feel comfortable telling most people I know about these fantasies, even when I am single. Sometimes I am scared I am more into women than my own boyfriend. Sometimes when we make love, I can only get off if I am thinking of another woman…. he is not doing anything wrong. And he is great in bed with me. I don’t know how to deal with these feelings, and what it means.

How can I control my thoughts so that I think of my boyfriend instead of another woman when we make love?

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10 Answers

muppetish's avatar

You can’t control your fantasies or thoughts without invasive intervention/brainwashing. It’s much healthier imo to learn how to cope with your thoughts and feelings through deep self-reflection.

If you think you may be bisexual, even just an inkling, I would highly encourage you to seek out bisexual communities (seeking these online will give you the comfort of anonymity) and learn more about the experiences that other people have had. Fantasies are not an uncommon entry point for people to evaluate their sexuality. Having these fantasies does not necessarily invalidate your relationship with your current partner, and talking through this with other people may help you gain some perspective.

It sounds as though you have been having these feelings for a while – not just in your current relationship. I think it could be helpful to work through them rather than actively trying to banish them. I know that might be hard, but learning more about why you’re having them first changes how you might approach moving forward.

As a reference, I am queer and have worked through my own thoughts and fantasies that, at one point, felt disruptive to me. Now I embrace them as part of who I am, and so does my partner.

cookieman's avatar

First off, there is nothing inherently wrong with these thoughts and dreams. However, they may be suggesting that you do some investigation into your sexuality.

Remember, sexuality is not a binary calculation. It’s a sliding scale.

marinelife's avatar

You can’t control your thoughts. Perhaps what your subconscious is telling you is that you are attracted to both men and women, or more attracted to women than men. Is it fair to your boyfriend to not let him know that you are having these thoughts and doubts? Only you can determine that. Have you considered exploring your sexuality, perhaps going out with a woman?

NomoreY_A's avatar

If it feels good, do it. Don’t worry about bull shit societal “norms”. We live in a society which has no problems blowing the arms and legs off of innocent children with our perpetual war machine, and calling it “collateral damage”. I know I’m an old hippie, but so what – ask me no questions I’ll tell you no lies.

tinyfaery's avatar

As a bisexual woman I can say that I never had fantasies of being with the other sex unless I was unfulfilled in the relationship. I’ve been with a woman now for 16 years and I have not felt the urge to be with a man. In the past, I had fantasies about other people and it seemed like it always correlated with not being happy in the relationship.

Having said that, you’ll never know until you try. Honestly, same sex relationships are less about who you enjoy having sex with and more who you feel you can be intimate with. But I am bisexual so that not might not be the same for all gay people.

CWOTUS's avatar

I’m not saying that you should go ahead and “do it”, or even ask your boyfriend to invite another woman into your bed – because despite what he says he might actually enjoy it, and you might both be disappointed to learn that.

However… “talking about it” can be cathartic, exhilarating, liberating… and sexy as hell. If you can’t talk to your boyfriend about your fantasies, then consider that you may actually have the wrong boyfriend.

You don’t have to act on every fantasy to enjoy it.

zenvelo's avatar

For your own sake, disassociate your having sex with another woman from the idea of a three way or your boyfriend “sharing”. One on one is distinctly different from three way sex.

Talk to your boyfriend if you feel comfortable about stating your fantasy; that does not mean you need to invite him to participate or even watch or be aware of it occurring. Explore what you are comfortable exploring.

You talk about the fantasy, but you don’t say if you have a specific person in mind when they run through your head. Are you fantasizing over anyone in particular?

rojo's avatar

Don’t think I have ever had any unwanted sex fantasies. I want them all. I enjoy having my imagination fired up.
Key word here is “fantasy”.which can be defined as extravigant and unrestrained imagination. Act on it and it is no longer fantasy.

rojo's avatar

And remember, as Paul Simon once wisely said:

“If you took all the girls I knew when I was single
And brought them all together for one night
I know they’d never match my sweet imagination
Everything looks worse in black and white”

MrGrimm888's avatar

^Bonus GA, for quoting Simon…

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