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MaturinAubrey's avatar

Potential Marriage questions?

Asked by MaturinAubrey (17points) September 20th, 2017

I am contemplating proposing to my longtime girlfriend, but I have some hesitations which have proved to be a little immobilizing. She is great but she is also very strong willed, relatively quick to annoyance has an inability to hide her emotions and will sometimes talks herself into trouble. I have struggled with some partial anxiety when introducing her to other people since I am not always sure how it will turn out.

She is eager to get married and wants to talk about it.

I know that I need to fully accept her if I go through with this and I do love her, but should I bring up these hesitations with her?

Would you recommend couples counseling for this?

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9 Answers

zenvelo's avatar

Yes, couples counseling would be good for you.

You need to feel “safe” in bringing these issues up in a manner that facilitates communication. That is where counseling will help. If she knows this is a prelude/introduction to talking about marriage, she will most likely feel open to the process.

If she does not want to talk about it, or gets upset or angry over counseling, then maybe you should rethink getting married. Your concerns/issues won;t go away just because you get married. Better to get it out in the open before you tie the knot.

marinelife's avatar

All I can tell you is that these basic personality issues that you have with her now will not get better or easier if you get married. The only way to potentially work through then is couples counseling, but both of you have to be committed to the process.

You could also try reading Harville Hendrix’s book Getting the Love You Want. Perhaps give her a copy of it too.

filmfann's avatar

I think couples counseling is a great idea! It will help you deal with issues that come up all through your marriage.

Kardamom's avatar

I agree with the others. Couples counseling, and a lot more time and questions, is imperative.

If you are already hesitant to marry this woman because of the things you mentioned, realize that those issues are likely (almost guaranteed) to be amplified if there are any situations that arise, and they will, such as financial problems, illness or accident happening to either of you (or your family members) having children, needing to move, etc.

I understand that you love this woman, but love alone is not the thing that will sustain a marriage. You both have “problems” that can be worked on, but right now, you two do not seem like a good match, if you are looking for happiness and/or stability.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Definitely deal with it in someway now. Relatively small problems become intolerable after the first few years.

CWOTUS's avatar

All I can say is that I wish that I had had your insight when I was your age, @MaturinAubrey. I second @zenvelo‘s excellent advice.

Whether the issues are resolved or not – and it’s very likely that they won’t be “fixed”; people don’t change overnight, or just “because they want to or should” – you have to be able to talk about them or at least point them out to her in a non-inflammatory way that she can recognize and deal with while the occur (instead of trying to fix huge problems after the fact), and you need to feel “safe” in doing that.

Had I known this forty years ago, I would have avoided at least one painful divorce.

si3tech's avatar

@MaturinAubrey I agree with all who recommend couples counseling. Now is the time to deal with your issues. Not after marriage. Is your lady aware of any of the issues you mention? Must be confronted with couples counselor I would think. You are right to be considering these issues now.

dabbler's avatar

Or find some workshops on couple communicating…there are some great things to know about boundaries and tools for working through conflict.

Mircat's avatar

I would demand couples counseling whether I was
planning a potential engagement or not. These are issues that are deal breakers in a friendship let alone a marriage. When you are afraid to introduce someone because you never know how their response is going to be only says that person has some serious issues and you are making excuses. Get to therapy!

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