General Question

patyourback's avatar

Why so much contact between them,confused and more confused?

Asked by patyourback (7points) September 13th, 2018

Hi everybody I am new to this forum!!, so my issue is that my boyfriend has a female friend which happens to had been his real state agent when he purchased his new house, he told me they met a little after him and I started dating, but he told me they are also Friends’’, they’re around the same age group, he is older than her and me, so when my boyfriend did his housewarming party, he invited me and my family plus his family and friends including her, I got a bad vibe when I saw her trying to get her nose in everything in the house, like she was trying to win his family over, bring all the things, food, etc, I saw clearly that she was trying to get his attention all the time, she clearly likes this man, and I noticed him tense, likes stressed in the party and my aunt which is older told me that she clearly noticed that he did look tense and nervous, anxious.

This girl is always messaging him, telling him her problems about her adopted kids, family issues, she even sends him a text asking him if he was free at night, so they can go out, my boyfriend is very noble, good person and wins a good salary, I told him the day after the housewarming party that I did not like her at all. I don’t even talk to my boyfriend this much, or message him, like this woman does!! MAYBE I SHOULD START DOING IT MORE OFTEN.

This woman even wanted to be his roommate in the new house he bought for US, she wanted to live in a bedroom efficiency type, mind you this woman has like 3–4 adopted kids. I recently saw some messages she sends him, and she seems desperate for his attention, always initiating contact with him, they used to text through what’s app but now they text more through normal text message, but this past weekend we went to Disney world, and he had told her that we were going with his friends, we left on Friday and that same day in the afternoon she texts him on What’s app and says :’‘Hi, what are you doing’’? In Spanish and my boyfriend saw the message, but did not reply since we were in Disney with his friend, but still he could have replied to her at the moment, but didn’t I WONDER WHY?, so I guess she saw that, and then on Sunday she text him again saying: wow you don’t say hi anymore!, OK. And that’s it. I wonder why he did not reply her? And why in some earlier messages that she has asked him if they can hang out, he tells her he is too busy, that he has too much work, and he has brushed her off a couple of times as I saw in the messages.

The thing is that well, he did in fact answer her on past Tuesday (we came late on past Monday) and then he replied to her on Tuesday September 4th’‘Oh sorry for not answering’’, I had been in the Disney parks til late and plus my battery was dead. And then he invited her to eat to thereby talk about business (she offered him if he wanted to join her on her towels business) so she replied that she couldn’t cause she was going to go out with her cousin and her cousins husband, and he replied: OK you let me know If not we go tomorrow (which he meant to Wednesday) but I went out with him yesterday, just to see if he was going to give me an excuse, thereby I would have known that he in fact was going to go out with her.

I don’t know what to do, I feel confused, insecure, should I talk to him openly about all of this with honesty or just wait until I see more of their interactions through their conversations and see if something is really happening? Why would he still be in touch with her if he very well knows, she likes him, and wants something more with him? Cause I am sure he knows that she likes him, he is neither dumb nor retarded.

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16 Answers

janbb's avatar

I think you asked us about this already. it sounds very familiar.

You can A) Talk to him about it and accept his answers. B) Continue to snoop and have it blow it in your face or C) Decide the situation is unacceptable to you and break up with him.

The choice is yours.

SergeantQueen's avatar

Exactly what @janbb said also you say you didn’t know why he didn’t reply but you answered that in your description
my boyfriend saw the message, but did not reply since we were in Disney with his friend,”

“I wonder why he did not reply her?”
Because you were at Disney with his friend.

This is a situation where the only way to get an answer/ soothe your worries is to talk to your boyfriend, not ask strangers online, no offense. Sometimes asking people online doesn’t do any good and worries you more since we all have 100 different interpretations on what it means and what to do.

ask your boyfriend

KNOWITALL's avatar

It sounds like she’s wanting a daddy for those kids that makes a good salary and has a nice house.

He needs to be the one to tell her to back off, he’s in a relationship and establish healthy boundaries with her. Maybe if it happens again, you can say “Honey, you always look like she stresses you out, what’s going on?” and start a conversation.
But you don’t want to come off jealous, it’s not attractive, just let him know you notice and hate for him to be stressed or upset over her inappropriate attentions.

Of course if you choose to play dirty, you can text back that he’s busy in bed with his girlfriend and maybe she should get a life of her own. Or block her number from his phone. Or send her a dirty pic of you and him together and say you don’t need a third party…lol

(Don’t do those things, I’m just being mean haha!)

chyna's avatar

You have asked this before under a different name.
Get away from him. You don’t trust him and this relationship can go no where if you are constantly snooping and second guessing him.

LadyMarissa's avatar

^^ IF that’s it, there’s a third one as I did’t join until April & I participated in one that was worded almost identical to this one!!!

Since you either DON’T trust…or CAN’T trust…this man, I’d dump him & find a new guy who I CAN trust!!!

Kardamom's avatar

Yes, there appears to be an almost identical Q, that has either been removed, or is not visible. I remember the details were almost identical.

BackinBlack's avatar

This lady is overstepping boundaries I think but you should talk to your boyfriend for sure. Don’t snoop on his phone because that gets you crazy and makes him think you don’t trust him. If he isn’t up to no good he will understand. After all, what if a guy was doing that to you? He would probably raise an eyebrow.

If you guys are serious he needs to show how important you are to him and this weird lady situation is the perfect chance to do that.

A long time ago my boyfriend had a female friend that was around before me. They were never romantic. But when I came along I think she got jealous and started texting/ calling him a lot. One day she called him crying about something and he was comforting her in a way that made me feel really bad. Then they made plans to go get coffee together. I knew he wasn’t into her and I could trust him to go out with her BUT I felt like she was stepping on my toes and butting into our relationship. I just told him that and he agreed that she was being weird and that wasn’t fair to me. So he made sure she backed off and their relationship just trailed off. We don’t hear from or see her anymore. He has other female friends I’m totally cool with because they respect our relationship.

Just talk to your boo. :)

patyourback's avatar

@BackinBlack Thank god I finally got him to talk about it, life is funny sometimes, I went out to jog with him, and I was telling him about a girlfriend of mine, which was driving me crazy cause she has doubts whether her boyfriend was cheating on her with his so called ’‘friend’’, so I told my boyfriend, that my girlfriend knows her boyfriends female friend and she knows her, and saw some of their messages and this girl had asked her boyfriend to go to the movies with her.

And guess what he told me,that this real state friend of his had done the same, and some weeks ago before us going to Disney, she had asked him: ’‘hey, what are you doing’’? let’s go to the movies, AND GUESS WHAT!!! I HAD ALREADY SEEN THAT MESSAGE WHEN I SNOOPED AND WENT THROUGH THEIR MESSAGES. and he told me all naturally without me asking anything, he said that when she said that to him, he immediately though, wait this is a bit weird and could damage my relationship cause this is not right!, but when he confirmed this I got really aggravated, so I said so many things in his face that bothered me and well at first he got a little aggravated with me but after a while he comforted and reassured me about all of this, but still I was so angry. I would not give in, I could tell he felt so emotional about all of this, I was very cold with him, so he thought that I was going to break up with him.

He really has never given me a reason to doubt him, he seemed very sincere when we talked about all of this, but I have a hard time trusting people in general, so I don’t know if I 1—) I should still keep my eyes open on this. 2—)keep seeing their conversations and see if he was really being honest with me or 3—)blindly trust him.

chyna's avatar

You aren’t blindly trusting him. You are snooping and spying on him. Cut him loose so he can find a woman better suited for him.

KNOWITALL's avatar

@Patyourback You just said he was open and honest. A good partner should reward positive behavior and trust him until proven otherwise. Love cannot be half-assed, just let it go and focus on him. Your insecurity and snooping may ruin everything if you dont control yourself.

LadyMarissa's avatar

Ten million GA‘s to @chyna !!!

I bet he did NOT for one second fall for that line of crap you told him & he KNEW that he needed to play dumb just to get you OFF his back!!! IF he’s NOT cheating with her now, he WILL be before you’re finished with him!!! Hell, I’m ready to cheat on you & I’ve never met you!!!

BackinBlack's avatar

I think you should stop snooping immediately. He gave you enough reason to trust him so just let go and it will get better a little bit everyday.

When you look at his messages you get carried away and start thinking there is dirt where there is none.

I don’t know why you have trust issues, maybe a past partner(s) drove you to feel this way and that is understandable.. but if someone is going to cheat on you they are going to do it whether you are paying attention or not. If you love this man, you have to trust him unless he proves himself guilty. You’ll drive him away if you keep feeding those paranoid feelings… and you’ll drive yourself mad.

I hope it all works out. :)

patyourback's avatar

@LadyMarissa Uhh sorry, but I don’t understand your answer!, what line of crap? be more specific please!

Kardamom's avatar

This entire relationship sounds mismatched, in maturity, and goals, and ideas about how this particular relationship should work.

Your boyfriend is completely comfortable with having other female friends. The particular female friend you are describing sounds like she would like to be his girlfriend and is doing everything she can to position herself. Your boyfriend may or may not be interested in her in that way, but if the other woman keeps positioning herself to get his attention, and you continue to snoop and distrust him, he will get together with her.

None of this is good. You are not mature enough to be in a comfortable, stable relationship. You have a lot of unresolved issues, and do not have a clear idea of what a decent, stable relationship is like.

Your boyfriend is a lot older than you, which means that he has had more experiences, and quite different experiences than you have, and his outlook on relationships seems to be extremely different than yours. You two are not on the same path. You both have terrible communication skills. You rely too much on “weird looks” and “unanswered questions” and information found by “snooping” and opinions of all these myriad relatives and friends “seeing things” rather than simply you and your boyfriend having real, and honest conversations about things.

Your boyfriend seems kind of easy going and accommodating towards everyone, which is probably giving this other woman the wrong signals. But it is not your place to tell him to drop her as a friend, but you do have the right to calmly explain to him that this other woman has become a third wheel in your relationship, and maybe he simply doesn’t realize or care, but if you give him an ultimatum, be prepared for him to choose her over you.

You got too intimate too quickly. You and this man really don’t “know” each other. You shouldn’t even consider living with him until you know him a lot better, and you decide how you want your relationship to proceed, and not until you both learn how to communicate effectively, and not until you resolve this situation in a manner that makes you no longer feel constant jealousy.

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