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Aster's avatar

Do you have a visiting relative who drives you nuts who you don't wish to see for years?

Asked by Aster (19883points) March 4th, 2019

My daughter, 48, lives five hours away. I had not seen her in nine years and she just left. I never miss her and I’m scared she wont go home as promised but will come back. She has been dabbling in drugs since her teen years (our other daughter is a saint ) and is as manic as ever, saying, “can I have this? do you want this?” walking through the house opening my closet , rifling through my sock drawer, fake crying, always saying she’s “sick” , insulting me on the phone with friends then handing me the phone (!) , but the worst part is continual talking. She barely takes a breath. Ask her a simple question you get a twenty minute answer. Without calling me she loaded up two dogs and drove here . She is a dog lover, has had dozens of dogs who left or were shot/stolen over the years, brings in plastic bags full of stuff and scatters them around the house. Am I the only one? Does anybody have a relative like this? She wakes me up closing doors and drawers at 3am; I’m exhausted. I gave her $400.

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17 Answers

Dutchess_III's avatar

You gave her $400. That’s quite a reward for her behavior.
You just have to say “No,” man. In fact, I’d almost suggest a PFA, or protection from harassment, at least. Take a stand. At this point she has absolutely NO reason to change.

Darth_Algar's avatar

I can’t imagine what it must be like growing up with a parent who thinks I can do no right while my sibling can do no wrong.

stanleybmanly's avatar

Wow! I’m assuming your daughter has been diagnosed and can’t possibly support herself—thus the $400. My only question is about how you managed to avoid such visits for 9 years.

JLeslie's avatar

Is she bipolar? She sounds to be a good candidate for dual diagnosis.

My mom and dad were just visiting, and I think your situation is more extreme, but mine has some similarities. My dad wants to talk constantly, and it’s almost like having class, homework, and tests all day long. My parents are a mess. Their bedroom looks like they have never heard of folding a shirt, my dad compulsively buys books and other things, like he keeps two neck pillows in my house, and two sunclass inserts for his glasses, and he buys peanuts in the shell and gets shells all over the floor, and he eats all day and night (he’s very overweight) and my husband winds up stuck in our bedroom to avoid my dad.

My dad does have some positive things, like he loves going out to the live music where I live, and he’ll make himself busy going to the social and discussion clubs around here, so at least he gets out of the house. He also gives me money, not the other way around. It would be fine if he didn’t give me any money, I don’t expect anything, I just mention it because you mentioned giving your daughter money.

After 3.5 weeks my parents left a few days ago and my house is back to normal again.

As I get older I like staying in my own rental or hotel when visiting others, and I like when my friends and family do it when they visit me. There are exceptions. A few days here and there really doesn’t bother me, and especially my closest dearest girlfriends I love to gab all day and night and catch up. Also, my sister could stay for weeks and it would be fine, although I think it’s better when it’s kept to two or less. Having said that, people often come and stay with me for weeks, my MIL was here for a few months.

I’m sorry your daughter is such a headache. I’m sure that very disappointing. I don’t blame you for not wanting her to visit. It’s a vicious circle. She probably knows she annoys you, so she thinks she’s justified in thinking you’re a bad mom or whatever she thinks, which feeds her insecurity abc sickness with the addiction, but it is her addictive compulsive personality that makes her difficult to be around. It’s impossible. She needs to straighten herself out, there is nothing you can do.

Aster's avatar

@stanleybmanly avoiding the visits was easy. She didn’t have a car all those years. She is in a group of heavy beer drinking bartering guys. She will dumpster dive and give excess food to them. But an old boyfriend bought her a van for some reason and , since it was her dad’s birthday (my satanic ex ) she used that as an excuse to come visit US. He refused to see her. Her sister won’t see her. She stayed with us for 3 stressful, insane days.
@Dutchess_III the $400 was an incentive to get her to leave. She got 2 new tires which I felt was very important and gasoline. My husband was concerned she’d try and move in. Very concerned.
@Darth_Algar she did not “grow up” thinking that. It took many years of bad behavior on her part and superb behavior on her sister’s part for all of us to face the difference which she created all by herself. Even as a little kid and her friends’ parents calling me I didn’t really see anything out of the ordinary.
@stanleybmanly you’re right. She cannot or will not support herself. Her dad, my ex, bought her 3 acres in an adjoining state with an old house of sorts on it. The previous owner, a pot dealer and maker of tye dye tee shirts , practically let my ex steal it for 11k . She helped a lady move out of town so the lady GAVE HER a decent Winnebago to live in. She has gotten into this group of people who just give you things. Like a swap meet. She has never been diagnosed with anything. She is fearful of and avoids doctors , government agencies and wont even get disability. My grandson is working on that for her. She gets PLENTY to eat. She will need false teeth in the next few years I believe.

Aster's avatar

@JLeslie you are perfectly right. Thank you for understanding the sadness and toxicity of it.

Darth_Algar's avatar

@Aster

To be frank, I kinda doubt you’d be willing to do even a bit of self-reflection to contemplate where you might have done somethings a little different while she was grown up.

But anyway, more pertinent to now: you very clearly disdain you daughter, harboring no kind or loving feelings towards her. So why not drop all pretense and simply sever all ties and contact with her? Why drag out a toxic relationship? You’re not doing her or yourself any favors.

Aster's avatar

@Darth why don’t you go onto another question ? You don’t know what you’re talking about. You weren’t there . I’m outta here.

Dutchess_lll's avatar

Darth…she cant go back to when her daughter was 3, 4, 5….and change anything.
Just cut her off now. If she shows up call the police.

Darth_Algar's avatar

@Dutchess_III

Umm, yes. That’s what I’m asking. Why doesn’t she just sever all contact?

Darth_Algar's avatar

@Aster

Sorry, but you don’t get to dictate who can and can’t respond to your postings.

jca2's avatar

I understand. You love her and of course only want the best for her, but she drives you nuts and this feeling (of being driven nuts) is fresh in your mind since she was just there.

I think it’s easy for others to say cut her off but you probably want to keep in touch with her since she is your daughter and ultimately, you want her to succeed in life.

Dutchess_lll's avatar

I agree that it is hard but I’ve actually had to do it with my daughter when she was younger (20s.) It was scary but she came out ok, a little older and a lot wiser.

Aster's avatar

I did not invite her over for eight or nine years so she just showed up without calling first and with two dogs. Nice dogs; well behaved.
I called her last night. She said she was so peaceful and happy and in a VERY tiny town in the Arkansas mountains near two good friends. I was nervous since she said she was lost and there were no street lights. But at least for now she’s fine.

ucme's avatar

If there were any relative who drove me to distraction & I didn’t want to see, they would be not permitted to visit in the first place.

Aster's avatar

I am sadly considering just that @ucme as her sister and father have done. Bipolar people, at least her, put insanity and high blood pressure into the house.

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