General Question

poofandmook's avatar

Should I be upset with my mom? Should I say something?

Asked by poofandmook (17272points) September 9th, 2008

More mom drama. Just when I thought things were improving…

Some of you may remember this thread from last week. The conclusion of the day was that things went well, and my mom’s boyfriend even offered to do my brakes since nobody else could do them and I was short on cash to go to a mechanic.

So I’ve been calling my mom all week to get her to ask Rick if two Sundays from now was okay. She kept saying she forgot to ask, she forgot to ask. Then she called me today and said “he won’t be able to do them because his back is bad.” and I said “Why did he tell me he could then?” and she said “because he’s a man and he speaks without thinking.”

Now, okay fine. I get that she’s protecting him. I get that she’s concerned with his physical well-being. But I know my mother. She absolutely can not lie. I know she didn’t ask him. She’s speaking for him.

His back wasn’t bad enough to do her oil change or wash her car 2 weeks ago… and this is my big issue with this. If she’s so concerned about his back, why is his back okay for her car and not mine?

I don’t have any issue with having to find someone else to do my car. My entire issue is that my mom is lying to me all of a sudden. Should I say anything to her? Or just drop it?

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21 Answers

loser's avatar

I’d probably just let this one go.

cwilbur's avatar

Let it go. Your mom does not seem like the most functional of people; either talk to Rick directly (since he’s the one who made the offer) or drop it.

bodyhead's avatar

Me too. I’d let this one go. Changing someone’s oil is much easier then doing someones breaks. Changing someone’s breaks can take up to 20X as long and if you run into anything unusual then it could really take a long time. It’s also a lot harder on your back and arms.

I’d say talk to Rick directly.

poofandmook's avatar

It’s just so infuriating that in a span of three short years, my mom and I have gone from best friends to her lying to me. I don’t know how to deal with her doing that… I’ve never had to before.

tinyfaery's avatar

Poof, this seems like this is more complicated than a few inconsiderate instances. If possible, I’d recommend you speak with a therapist of some sort. It seems like you have a lot to sort out. The more confrontations you two have, the more alienated you two will become. If money is an issue, there are still options.

poofandmook's avatar

@tinyfaery: Do you mean me specifically, or me and my mother together?

jca's avatar

why don’t you sit down with your mom and ask her what’s up and tell her what you told us? tell her you don’t understand how and why your relationship deteriorated.

tinyfaery's avatar

You at first. If your mom agrees, then both of you.

poofandmook's avatar

I thought about therapy, but I’m having the reaction that anybody would have if a friend or family member started ignoring and/or dumping on them because all of a sudden they favored someone else. I don’t feel like I’m having an unhealthy reaction to what’s going on. It’s not like I carry it with me daily… it doesn’t affect my daily life. I’ve sort of written her off in a lot of ways, and I don’t care anymore. I think therapy with my mother could be beneficial, but in the end, I’d be asking the same question whether it was my mother or my friend or anybody who did the exact same thing. I’d be just as pissed if a co-worker lied to me exactly the same way.

jca's avatar

i was having issues with my mother last year, and we went to therapy together, and it didn’t do much, because my mother is righteous and thinks she’s correct, so our relationship is superficial now. However, my mother has been very helpful to me in my times of crisis (like when i was sick recently, she helped with child care) so it’s good to have some kind of relationship with your mom. what i’m trying to say is if you could let go the bad stuff, keep it light, and keep friends with her on another level, it might be helpful some day. maybe just realize her issues are her issues. maybe she’s not changing any time soon, so it’s up to you to accept it.

tinyfaery's avatar

@poof Therapy is not just for people who are having difficulty living their lives. You seem upset about the change in your relationship with your mother. You said “It’s just so infuriating that in a span of three short years, my mom and I have gone from best friends to her lying to me. I don’t know how to deal with her doing that… I’ve never had to before.” If it’s not a big deal, then forget it and move on. No need to give it a second thought. It seems to me you are at a crossroads in the relationship with your mother. You might need to sort that out. Therapy isn’t the only way. But you might need to do it somehow.

poofandmook's avatar

@jca & tinyfaery: I’ve sort of already written off the closeness my mom and I had… that doesn’t bother me before. But I’ve never been at a point where I feel I want to tell her off for being an ass, as a person, moreso than a mother. How do you tell your mother she’s being a jerk? Or should I drop it simply because she’s my mother? That was more my point. I should’ve worded it better.

Or maybe I only think I’m over it? Ugh.

jca's avatar

what i have found helpful with me in my relationship with my mother, is that if she does or says something that pisses me off, i tell her, because if i don’t tell her it really bothers me. so when i tell her, i feel empowered. i will still be pissed, but not as pissed as if i just accepted it. is there a reason you don’t want to call her out on it (bring it up to her and ask her what’s up with it?).

tinyfaery's avatar

I don’t really like either of my parents, but I do love them. I visit a few times a year, call every month or so, and when I am with them I never discuss anything important or anything significant in my life. They do all sorts of things I do not like/condone/understand, but since I keep them at a distance, these things do not effect me in any way. I know this is extreme, but it’s how I am able to maintain a relationship with them.

marinelife's avatar

It sounds like your Mom is not available for you the way she was before, and you are having problems adjusting to that. I am not saying that what is going on is right or wrong. I do think you may need to re-frame your expectations.

Whether your Mom was right or wrong to do so, she is in a position to speak for her boyfriend’s availability to help you. In terms of fact, he does not owe you the work. What you may need to do is look elsewhere for some help and support that your Mom used to provide you. That is always a painful realization.

I second finding someone to talk this through with. I think it should be by yourself first. You would be doing it not for her, not for the relationship, but for you and your own peace of mind, which is very important.

Take care.

Judi's avatar

Therapy is not just for people who are sick or abnormal. A therapist is a neutral third party who can help you sort out your feelings. In the end, you can’t change your mom, just the way you react to her. A therapist can help you sort through all that.

deaddolly's avatar

forgive me, but I wasn’t in on the other thread…has this happened since your mom and this Rick person, got together? Seems like she doesn’t want to do anything to rock her relationship with him (which I don’t understand, because my daughter would come before any guy I was seeing). Does he get mad or overwhelmed easily?

Talk to your mom – alone. Tell her what you think. Therapy can help, but finding the right therapist in not easy.

deaddolly's avatar

ps
Find someone else to do your breaks!

Raggedy_Ann's avatar

I would let it go. Life is too short to let something like this come between you and your mom.

LouisianaGirl's avatar

I would let it go

Val123's avatar

Can’t get much older than this question, but it was over there so here I am.
The problem is, probably, that Rick doesn’t WANT to help, but he’s too chicken to tell you himself. Is he very charming to your face? Just a “real good guy”? Those are the most hypocritical people. It doesn’t mean anything. He could be a totally different person behind closed doors. It sounds like there was probably a discussion between Rick and your Mom that went:
Rick “I don’t want to help that SOB out!!”
Mom: “Well, then tell him “no.”
Rick: “Oh, so then I’ll look like an asshole, right? Is that what you want? You’d like that wouldn’t you!”
Big retarded fight ensues.
Long and short of it is, Rick wants to continue his appearance as a good old boy, and he can’t do that if he turns someone down face to face, even in a respectful way. So he hides behind your mother, thinking that’ll keep his “reputation” intact.

So, there she’s stuck. Can’t tell you the truth of things because it will hurt you. And if she does push him to make good on his promise, she’ll catch the hell for it later.

This may not be the situation, but there is my 2 cents.

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