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RandomMrAdam's avatar

Should I be angry at my girlfriend for what she did?

Asked by RandomMrAdam (1645points) September 21st, 2008

Me and my girlfriend had made plans to go see a movie that just came out right after she got off work. The movie was a late showing since she doesn’t get off work until 10pm. I get a call around 10:20pm from her and she tells me that she just took someone home who didn’t arrange a ride home for himself. From where she is currently at, it would take her another 20 minutes or so to get back to my place for us to take off to a movie. At that point, there was no time to arrange plans to meet at the movie since it was probably sold out or seats were all taken.

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53 Answers

Nimis's avatar

RandomMrdan is answering RandomMrAdam’s question?
Scratches head. Am I missing something here?

Rotwang's avatar

If you two had agreed on 10:20 ahead of time, then yes.

RandomMrdan's avatar

from how I see it, you had pre-arranged plans. I would have been a bit angry that she would have volunteered herself to drive the person home. She could have simply said something like…I’m sorry I have plans and I have to be at my boyfriends place in 30 minutes and then immediately to a theater.

I’m sure someone else could have given the person a ride home. I mean, if absolutely no one could give the guy a ride home then I think a phone call in advance would have been decent enough to let you know you can meet at the theater or something.

RandomMrAdam's avatar

@Nimis
What we agreed on was the movie, what bothered me was that she didn’t call to say ‘hey, can we meet at the movies because I am running a friend home.’ Instead, she just called me at the point in which I cannot rearrange plans.

RandomMrdan's avatar

@nimis we’re brothers

Nimis's avatar

Oh, gotcha.

asmonet's avatar

All emotions are fine, they’re yours. But, you’re really mad at her for being a good person and helping a coworker out when they were stranded? Really? Maybe she could have handled it better, I would bring that up. But I wouldn’t be mad. Unless she did it again and was clearly dismissive of you.

Otherwise, let it slide and be proud of the kind of generous and caring person she is, that’s gotta be on the list of pros you’ve got for her, right? Chalk it up to people being fallible and realize she’s just human.

Do you know what actually happened on the other person’s end? “Didn’t arrange a ride home for himself” sounds like you’re blaming him, and a bit presumptuous.

RandomMrAdam's avatar

@asmonet
Well I didn’t say I was mad because she took her co-worker home. What upset me about it was that she wouldn’t even call and tell me she was going to be running late for the movie. If she would have called and let me know, I could have arranged to meet her at the theater. The co-worker was supposed to get off work at 7:00pm and didn’t have a ride so they stayed until close. She should have known then around 7:00pm, plenty early, that she was going to take him home and could have, out of respect, called and let me know.

Nimis's avatar

I think I would be annoyed with her habits, disappointed with the situation…but not angry with her?
Though I think if someone else could have easily given him a ride, I would have been upset.

asmonet's avatar

Ah, I must have misread. Still I wouldn’t be angry, disappointed maybe. but not angry unless it was a pattern of behavior.

asmonet's avatar

@Nim: Great minds! Same time. :)

asmonet's avatar

Damn! I owe you a coke. At least.

Nimis's avatar

Awesome. I prefer the Mexican variety.
On a tangent, did you know that Coke supposedly soothes a jellyfish sting?

sarapnsc's avatar

She should have called you as soon as she was aware that the plans you had together would be changing and to let you know the reason why.
That is simple consideration…
angry, I wouldn’t be…I would be annoyed and a bit hurt, if my husband had done it to me.

asmonet's avatar

@Nims: Yep. So does pee! I grew up in Florida, always had a can of coke in my beach bag. Sadly….or not I never had a chance to test it.

RandomMrAdam's avatar

@ sarapnsc
So being a little annoyed over the situation is alright then? Because I showed signs of being a little bothered by the situation and it led to a small argument because she said I was getting upset with her over nothing. It just made me seem like a bad guy because I was annoyed that she didn’t call me and let me know, but she was making it sound like I was mad at her for taking someone home.

asmonet's avatar

She probably saw it that way. She might be feeling guilty and therefore went on the defensive when her behavior was called to her attention. ‘Signs of being bothered’ sounds an awful lot like childish pouting rather than strong communication skills to me..

Nimis's avatar

I think I’d rather be doused by Coke. I think.

RandomMrAdam's avatar

@asmonet
Well signs of being bothered was me saying ‘It doesn’t matter, don’t worry about it’ but in a clearly aggrivative tone.

sarapnsc's avatar

I feel you had every right to be annoyed and bothered by the situation…too bad it led to an argument, and she couldn’t see the inconsideration on her part. There is no reason why she couldn’t have called, they have phones at work. I don’t know what she was thinking, such a small act like calling, could have prevented the argument.
I wouldn’t let it get me angry though, it’s not worth it. Kiss and make up, and just have her understand that it would be the right thing to do next time, the right thing to do is to call you.

asmonet's avatar

@Random: Sorry friend, that’s pouting. :)

RandomMrAdam's avatar

@asmonet
I suppose you are right. Sometimes I do that though, I am sure we are all guilty at some point.

sarapnsc's avatar

@RandomMrAdam….we’ve all had our moments :)

RandomMrAdam's avatar

@sarapnsc
Thanks for your insight. I felt the same way, and I agree it was pretty immature of us to get into a fight about it and we should have just kissed and made up. Ohwell…

asmonet's avatar

On a final note, you might consider in the future to avoid a fight getting bigger trying to recognize when you see her being defensive and really watch what you say and analyze how you were approaching the subject. Even if you have a valid point, being the bigger person and changing your tactic or even just your tone can be a lifesaver in a relationship. Do it enough and your girl will figure it out and adopt it herself. No one likes to be the cause of arguments, that kind of guilt is a great motivator.

RandomMrAdam's avatar

@asmonet
Thanks for the advice. Noted :)

asmonet's avatar

Anytime. :)

wildflower's avatar

Yes, you should of course be fuming! How dare she not leave a colleague without a way of getting home at 10pm!!

Seriously though – shit happens. I’m guessing the movie’s on again tomorrow….

galileogirl's avatar

Yeah,she helps someone who is stranded late at night. Sounds like a thoughtful young woman. I would think her kindness might have been part of what attracted you to her, right? And you had plans to go to a movie after a very long day for her. Did you ask her how her day went? If she woke up at 9 am, then a movie ending at 1 am might just not be worth it. BTW what if she gave her a ride instead of him, would you have reacted differently? I think your unhappiness at the change of plans makes you look a little controlling, we can’t always have our own way. When this kind of thing happens within a mature relationship, most people wouldn’t think twice about it.

Mr_M's avatar

I’d be uncomfortable with what she did. I would also want to hear her answers to “If you knew at 7 pm, why didn’t you call me THEN?”, and “Why couldn’t he call a cab?” “At the very least, you could have called me RIGHT BEFORE you left work to drive him. What made you not?”

Judi's avatar

Sometimes people with big hearts want to be all things to all people. We sometimes think that we can make time stand still. We feel it is our obligation to help a stranded person, pick up every stray dog, and give our last dollar to the homeless bum. Rather than being angry with her, you might take solace in the fact that you are probably the perfect person to be in her life and balance her out. My husband often brings me back to reality by saying, “Just, exactly how do you plan to find the time to do all these things and when are you going to have time for me?” In the last 20 years that we have been together we have managed to balance each other out. He is much more generous and compassionate and I am much more aware of my time and limitations. You may be exactly what she needs to keep her life organized.

RandomMrAdam's avatar

@Judi
What if she refuses to feel that anything she did was wrong? At that point, I am stuck thinking what I think and she thinks what she thinks, but we don’t really come to an understanding because we both just felt that the other was in the wrong. I do think I was in the wrong to be irritated for her helping someone out and not telling me ahead of time. I should have probably brushed it off, but I didn’t. But she was more defensive about me getting irritated and less regretful that she never called and let me know.

Mr_M's avatar

You know, in thinking about this, I’d get mad if the person she drove was a guy I thought she was interested in. But if it was her boss, or a woman, or some guy who would NEVER fit that bill, I’d shrug it off.

RandomMrAdam's avatar

@Mr M
I do not know the person she drove home… I wasn’t mad about her driving someone home, it was the communication barrier. It is nice to drive someone without a ride home, but to not call your boyfriend who had made plans and cause the plans for the night to be canceled is not very nice. Then saying that I was in the wrong to be a little upset was kind of a shock, I was expecting her to apologize for forgetting to call me, but that didn’t happen.

Judi's avatar

It does make a difference if she realizes how her over-generosity effects the people who are most important to her or not. She probably will not be able to admit it until she is sure that you appreciate and respect that side of her, and is secure in that. These are the negotiations in a relationship that determine weather or not the relationship will work. It’s good to know if the two of you can negotiate things like this and appreciate each others strengths and differences before you move on to marriage. It’s a relationship test. How the two of you communicate and maneuver it can be very telling for your future.

Mr_M's avatar

@random, I agree it would annoy me and make me uncomfortable. But I’d really want to find out if the reason all caution was thrown to the wind was because she was “interested” in the guy. That would be my bigger concern.

RandomMrAdam's avatar

@Mr M
I know what you are getting at… I really do not feel threatened by anyone she works with. I would have been equally upset if she went off and ran an errond for her friend and didn’t call me until last minute because it is still failure to communicate. Everything inbetween are just details. My biggest concern was that she didn’t consider the possibility of calling me and letting me know she would be running late for plans. I mean, this is why we make plans right? To have a general idea of what is going on? And when one of the people involved in the plans wants to change them, they should aware anyone else involved so that it doesn’t disrupt anything.

Judi's avatar

@random
If she is anything like me, I am sure it didn’t mean that she didn’t care about you although it could mean that she was cringing at the thought of you saying “what the heck? didn’t we have plans?” and didn’t want to face it because her need to do a good deed overwhelmed her. Her defensiveness is because of her own inner conflict. She may have not thought far enough ahead to realize that if she had told you, you could have just met at the movie, and even if she did, she may have thought that you would not be ok with that. Your relationship could be a great example of synergy if you both learn to recognize and rely on each others strengths, but if you both continue to look for blame you will have a rocky road ahead. Sounds like you’re both great people. I hope you work it out.

Mr_M's avatar

Also consider if she does this kind of thing a lot or if this is a rarity. If she’s never done anything like this, then don’t make a big deal. But DO listen to her answers to see how she explains things.

Let me propose something daring: did she really not want to go but you pushed her to go? Did she tell you it would be too late and she’d be tired after work but YOU didn’t care?

RandomMrAdam's avatar

@Mr M
Well she didn’t seem reluctant to go. I told her about the movie that just came out and said ‘Hey we should go see that’ and she didn’t disagree once. It was also a movie that we both had interests in, not just a movie that I wanted her to tag along to.

Mr_M's avatar

It’s not the choice of the movie I’m talking about. It was the TIME you chose to go to that movie. After SHE got home from work and LATE! Let me guess…you were expecting to PARK after that movie so NOTHING was gonna talk you out of it! And THAT’S what you’re disappointed about, She, on the other hand, was tired and the best you can say about her enthusiasm is “she didn’t seem reluctant to go”...“she didn’t disagree once”... Hmmmm. Been there, my friend, and done that.

RandomMrAdam's avatar

@Mr M
We are both young and stay up til 2–3am regardless of work. And I am trying to keep this unbiased. We both enjoy going out to movies and getting dinner from time to time. If she said she didn’t want to see the movie, I would not have pushed for it. It was a Friday night and I could have just as easily planned something else, so if she would have said that it was a bad time, then I would understand. Again, she never mentioned she was tired and that was never brought up into the conversation, in fact I am the one that works the morning shift and am usually the tired one when it comes around to 10–11pm because I have been working most of the day. She usually gets a late start to the day and is up later than I am. I know you are entitled to your own opinion, but I assure you that I would not pressure my girlfriend into watching a movie that she doesn’t want to, or going out to eat if she doesn’t want to.

Mr_M's avatar

I’m not giving ANY opinion. I’m just trying to look at all sides with you.

RandomMrAdam's avatar

@Mr M
Also she had planned to come over and hang out at my place anyways, so the comment about Parking is just not the case, if that is what I wanted, I would have just said ‘Let’s just hang out at my place’

RandomMrAdam's avatar

@Mr M
Well your responses have made me look at a few sides, and I thank you for sharing them. Overall, I do agree I was in the wrong to be bothered. I guess I just wanted her to know she should communicate next time.

Mr_M's avatar

And she SHOULD!

deaddolly's avatar

def, she should have called you. I would be upset. Tell her how you feel. Let her treat to the next movie and dinner AND have her pick you up.

Judi's avatar

You were not wrong for your feelings, it is just an opportunity for the two of you to practice your communication skills.

asmonet's avatar

@judi: I wish I could have said my thoughts as concisely, well done.

galileogirl's avatar

We could tell you were young to be upset about something so insignificant. This is not a long term relationship because in those you don’t sweat the small stuff (jn the grand scheme of things, this is very small stuff!) Why does someone have to be right and someone have to be wrong? And how are you going to carry on when life’s really bad things happen to you? And if you continue to obsess about whether she is sorry ‘enough’ she is going to decide her life will be better without the negativity. So you didn’t go to a movie…and probably no nookie that night…big freakin deal! Deal with it or walk away!!!

wilbert's avatar

God if that is the worst of your problems egads, mand, grow up, at least you didn’t catch her in bed with your sister

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