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SuperMouse's avatar

Have you ever been disappointed by a very close friend in this way?

Asked by SuperMouse (30798points) January 15th, 2009

Since leaving my home state and my closest friends I have made some huge changes in my life. I am divorcing my husband, going back to school, working, and trying to forge a new path. These things were a long time coming and I know they are what is best for my children and me. I recently sat down and wrote a long letter to one of my closest friends back home outlining the changes, the reasons for the changes, and my long term plans. I know she has received the letter and as of now I haven’t heard a single word. I am very disappointed that she hasn’t responded at all. Have you ever had a similar experience? How did you handle it?

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8 Answers

nikipedia's avatar

I have been disappointed by many people, and I’m sure I’ve disappointed a lot of people myself. You know your friend better than I do, but I’ll bet you anything she is really struggling with how to respond, especially if part of her worries that you may be making the wrong decision. It is so hard to disagree with and still support someone you care about.

This might be way too doormat-y, but I wonder if it might not be helpful to send her a follow-up letter or email saying something to the effect of, “I was surprised not to hear from you, but then I realized I must have laid an awful lot on you at once! I hope you’re okay, and would love to hear from you, no matter what you have to say.”

Or something like that.

More importantly: good luck with all your big changes. How exciting!

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

Maybe she’s not sure what you expect of her, or maybe she feels like she’s part of what’s left behind?

chyna's avatar

Actually, the opposite happened to me. I was going through a divorce and a friend I hadn’t heard from in a couple years found out and sent me cards, letters and in general showed me why she was a friend in the first place. We have become a lot closer and visit each other more often now.

Sakata's avatar

If I were your friend the reasons would be as follows: too lazy, too busy, selfish, don’t allocate the time, and procrastination. I like to think that eventually you would hear from me but I never promise anything I can’t be sure to produce.

As far as your actual friend goes, I like AlfredaPrufrock’s answer. I would suggest a well-timed phone call. Nobody really writes anymore and emails can get misplaced or overlooked too easily.

gimmedat's avatar

I am sorry. Maybe your friend doesn’t know how to react to all of the changes you’ve made. Maybe she’s rethinking her own reality and wondering if she would be brave enough to make the changes you’re making. Give her time, that might be all she needs before she realizes what it means to be a friend again. After all, it took me a minute to remember what being a sister meant. I love you, you’ll be fine.

cak's avatar

After my divorce, I had people at me in all directions. I was single, with a very young daughter. All my friends had an opinion, except the one that I thought would be there. Nothing. Not a word. I felt like she abandoned me. A year later, she sent me a note, checking on me, explaining that I needed space, not the world telling me what to do. Somehow, that just wasn’t ok with me, though, to a point, she was right; however, to just drop out of sight – that was a bit much.

People respond to change, especially drastic change in very different ways. Sometimes, there is no reaction, thus no response.

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

If a situation is a little too close to home, it’s hard to know what the reaction should be.

nebule's avatar

She might just not have had the time… which some people may say is not a decent enough excuse… BUT!

My sister and I are the best of friends and yet there are times when really bad stuff has happened to either of us and the other person hasn’t been there for the other…just because we’ve had too much of our own stuff to deal with. This does not mean that we love one another any less at all we’ve just let life get carried away with us.

Having said that, we’ve always apologised and really made major efforts towards one another afterward. Talk to her, be honest, be interested in her too..and it’ll all come together….

unless she just doesn’t like you…but that’s not the case is it?

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