General Question

peyton_farquhar's avatar

Do I have a right to feel this way?

Asked by peyton_farquhar (3741points) January 21st, 2009

The last month and a half for me has been a series of crises and emotional upturns, so recently I have been a bit more dependent on my friends for emotional support than I normally am. My best friend has refrained from talking to me for almost two weeks. When I called him out on it and asked him what was going on, he first said nothing really, he just hasn’t felt like hanging out lately. When I tried to get him to explain further, he told me that when he is around me lately he feels depressed, and that he thinks it is the natural turn of events for us to “go our own separate ways.” He also thinks we have been drifting friendship-wise since summer and that he shouldn’t hang out with me because he feels obligated to, but because he wants to, and that we should “face it: neither of us is into the things the other one is.” While I agree that it’s a waste of time (for both of us) if he’s only friending me because he feels “obligated to”, I think it’s a total lie that we have no interests in common, and I also think that if he thought our friendship has been on a downhill slope since last summer he should have said it six months ago and not now, when I need his friendship most of all. I have been there for him when he was having his romantic/emotional crises and I really feel like he’s abandoning me. I think that he is just telling himself that our friendship has been dwindling so he has an excuse to walk away from a difficult situation, the difficulty being in trying to help me out by being my friend.

I’m having a hard time deciphering his actions. Do I have a right to feel like he’s treading me in the mud, or are his reasons legitimate and I’m just a hypersensitive bitch? It’s not like I’ve been trying to drag him down with me or invite him into my problems, I just thought I could rely on him to be a shoulder to lean on when I’m down.

Sorry this post is so long.

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12 Answers

seekingwolf's avatar

You’re totally justified in feeling this way, don’t worry. He was your friend and you needed him to be there for you, and then, when you least expected it, he “abandoned” you. You have every right to feel sad and angry.

I have a feeling that while you were a good friend to him during his hard times, I think he found it difficult to be there for you, for whatever reason. He said he felt “depressed”. Perhaps he has trouble helping others with their problems. No matter, that’s done with now.

Whether you try to keep him as a friend or not is up to you. But now you know that he may not be the sort of friend that you would turn to when you have problems.

Do you have anyone else you can turn to? If so, go to them.

peyton_farquhar's avatar

The thing is, I’m closer (or I was closer) to him than to any other human being for so long that I still can’t believe that he finds it so easy to just walk away from me, especially now.

seekingwolf's avatar


You don’t know that he finds it “easy”. It may be that your problems (whatever they are) are difficult for him to hear about. He may find it emotionally trying to be there for you…there are many people like this, but that doesn’t make them any worse as friends.

I think you should ask him about this and see what his feelings are.

loser's avatar

Sounds like he might have some issues but I think you are totally justified in feeling whatever you’re feeling.

andrew's avatar

Oh, it’s hard, I know. This has happened to me before.

Perhaps he’s dealing with some shit and is incapable of giving you the support you need. Or perhaps he’s in a selfish period right now. Maybe he’s been dissatisfied with your friendship for a while, and is trying to be forceful so that he doesn’t double back on himself.

Best thing is to try and let it go for a little bit. I’ve had friendships ebb and flow: case in point. I had friend whom I thought I was very close with in grad school. He, unbeknownst to us all, auditioned for and enrolled in another grad school and then left to start over. No goodbye, nothing. It felt like a real betrayal.

Now, 5 years later, he’s moved to LA, and we’ve reconnected and see each other every day.

Yes, your feelings sound justified. Forcing it to move forward isn’t going to help, though. You’ll have other friends who become just as close.

nikipedia's avatar

You are always entitled to your feelings. Feel angry, feel hurt, feel betrayed. It sucks to lose a friend, especially when you feel like you’ve invested a lot and been the best friend you can be.

At the same time, it might be worthwhile to use the feedback he’s given you. It can be really, really difficult to be a friend to someone who is going through serious emotional crises. Sometimes, it can be too much, and you have to let that person go. Maybe that’s where your friend is right now.

If this guy is someone you really care about, maybe the best thing to do is to let him go until you feel more emotionally stable, and then try to reconnect with him.

Either way, I am so sorry to hear about how rough things have been for you. I hope things start to look up soon.

augustlan's avatar

Some people are just not good at ‘being there’ for people in need. It sucks, but it is a fact of life. It’s the reason people say “You find out who your true friends are when you…” get cancer, a divorce, your spouse dies, etc. That may be all there is to it. I’d still be pissed and hurt, but now you know.

cordovanessa's avatar

You are 100% entitled to the way that you feel and you shouldnt doubt or feel like you have to apologize for these feelings. Trust me I have lost friends for very dumb reasons and it sucks because Im sure that it completely blindsighted you and you would have never seen anything like this coming, but if thats how your “friend” feels, then you have to let go of them, and start depending on yourself to make you feel better, cause thats the only way your going to get through whatever it is your going through, because your the only one that can make things better for yourself. And if thats how they feel then its thier loss and at least you now know who is truly there for you… I truly hope that everything works out for you!

melanie81's avatar

Great answer, nikipedia. I agree – you are always entitled to your feelings.

Although it’s difficult, I always try to be 110% happy with myself, so I don’t have to depend on others for that happiness. Anyone heard of Tony Robbins? He’s got a great pep talk on this kind of thing!

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

@peyton_farquhar, I’m so sorry you’re going through all this. The only thing I can add is that you will not be able to convince him it’s other than he perceives it. He will have to come to that realization on his own. Perhaps he’s narcissistic.

wundayatta's avatar

This sounds like a very good example of what is known as a “fair weather friend.”

Judi's avatar

Does he have a girlfriend? It sounds like she could be uncomfortable with your “neediness,” especially since she wasn’t around to see how you supported him in his time of need. She could also be insecure and just putting pressure on him and he is making his choice.
He might also just be ready to start a new chapter in his life. I hate email forwards, but I keep getting this one and it seems to apply:
Reason, Season or Lifetime

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person or people involved; and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships, and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

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