General Question

aaronheaberlin808's avatar

How do i tell my girlfriend that her birth control is killing our relationship?

Asked by aaronheaberlin808 (69points) February 18th, 2009

Okay my girlfriend has started taking the birth control pill that like only every 3 months she has a period, and when she’s on that pill she tells me she’s not happy and she’s rarely sexual towards me, but when shes’ on that one special week of the fake pills she’s very affectionate and sexual towards me. So my thing is how can i prove it’s her brith control and when i do how in the world do i go about telling her that because i’m sure thats a very touchy subject to go about with.

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

17 Answers

Cardinal's avatar

Without the pill you are a dead man walking!

augustlan's avatar

I’d be totally honest, and let her know what you’ve observed. If you aren’t accusatory, and don’t used the phrase “killing our relationship”, I don’t think it needs to be a heated discussion. If she’s not sure that she agrees that it is causing problems, perhaps she could keep track of her good and bad days in a calendar. If it does appear to be the issue, there are many other forms of birth control she (and you) could try.

chyna's avatar

You are very observant.

dynamicduo's avatar

I feel like I can answer this because I am similar to your girlfriend – I take the pills for that long and am generally somewhat similar in a lower libido and affection level, as well as being very affectionate while not taking the pills.

I think the mature way to approach this is to think of it as a couple’s dilemma. You two obviously don’t want babies, that is the goal in this situation. She has tried the pills and they have a negative effect on the relationship. There are more methods of birth control that both she and you can try. To reduce the sensitivity of this issue you can make it clear that you are willing to put forth effort, such as wearing condoms, or getting a vasectomy if you really don’t think you ever want children, or to simply support her needs, such as accompanying her to the doctor’s office or picking up her prescription, if that’s what she desires.

If this is something she is willing to put effort towards fixing, she can talk to her doctor about alternatives such as the NuvaRing (a plastic ring that stays in her vagina even while having sex, stays in for 3 weeks then comes out, similar in functionality (hormonally) to traditional birth control pills), or the depo-provera shot done each three months. She can also talk about the option of having an inter-uterine device put in – this is a longer term solution and may not be recommended as a casual method of birth control. There are also lower hormonal pills which may cause the negative effects to dissipate.

Basically, you just have to approach this with tact and grace, and make it clear that it’s not something you blame her for, and that it’s something you’d like to work on, if she’s willing to do so. She can go talk to a doctor for more information. You shouldn’t try to “prove” it’s the birth control, you should simply state your concerns and your thoughts that it may be the birth control. Your emotions are enough proof at this stage. More proof either supporting or disproving your birth control theory can be gained if she decides to switch for a bit.

Ashpea9288's avatar

I guess it’s different for everyone. I’m on Seasonique as well, and I’ve never been more horny in my life (I just started and haven’t yet made it to the fake pills), which kinda sucks since I’m single. But anyway, I agree with the others: you really should talk with her about it in as much of a non-confrontational way as possible, and maybe suggest she talk with her doctor about other options. She’ll probably want something non-hormonal, like an IUD.

jessturtle23's avatar

Birth control pills make me crazy. Tell her if she gets off of them you will use a condom every time and pull out. Problem solved.

aaronheaberlin808's avatar

thank you guys so much for all of your answers, i’m going to have to take all of them into consideration and build up enough courage to actually ask her, so once again thanks!

augustlan's avatar

Welcome to Fluther, by the way :)

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

I you think it’s killing your relationship, just imagine what daily life is like for her. Being on birth control can really suck for women. She may need to try a different pill, or dosage.

Likeradar's avatar

Dynamicduo is so right on in acting like it’s both of your problem, not just hers. Make it clear to her that this isn’t about HER, it’s about finding a solution for a joint goal.

Hormonal BC makes me a crazy, emotional, bloated, head-achey mess. My current BF is great about it- WE don’t want babies, so he takes responsibility by always using a condom. (We’ve tried the diaphragm too, but it also has downsides.) Sure, condoms suck sometimes, but it’s better than having me be a mess.

imnotatease87's avatar

some birth control makes women depressed. im on the shot and it has kicked up my sex drive even though i eat more and gain weight and i currently have no period at all. all types of birth control has negatives to it. just read up on it and talk to your girlfriend. make sure you dont make it seem that its her that is the problem. its all about wording. make sure she realizes that you want her happy as can be and maybe switching her from the pill to something else might be better for her health and happiness.

hearkat's avatar

Over the past two decades, I have tried numerous brands and formulas of birth control pills, and always had negative side effects. Since I am okderand am done having kids, I was able to get the Mirena IUD, but now I have fibroids! So I’m probably going to have it removed.

I’ve had younger friends say that they like the NuvaRing. It is localized rather than systemic hormones, so the risks and side effects seem lower.

Jack79's avatar

I’ve never heard of a pill like that. Had a gf who took it and everything was normal, she was pretty stable throughout the month (and I believe the pill may have actually helped in that respect). Seems like a weird side-effect, though being a man, I would not know that much. Perhaps if she did not stop the pill, but simply change to another one? The only solution seems to be talking to her, but you have to do it in a subtle and patient way that will not escalate into a fight.

dynamicduo's avatar

Most of the problems with the birth control pill stem from the fact that it is hormonal (commonly estrogen and progesterone, the latter has a very interesting wikipedia article I will note). Some people simply react differently when these hormone levels are elevated in the body. Some women have no negative reactions, some have small reactions, some have large ones. Actual effects vary depending on the level of hormones ingested as well as the balance between them, but some effects (and explanations for how the Pill works) include: the ovaries do not expel an egg, the uterus lining does not become thick and engorged (thus making it harder for a fertilized egg to implant and begin to grow into a fetus) and does not shed and expel itself until the hormone levels come back down (this is what a period is, for anyone who may not know), and the body may exhibit other signs (ease of putting on weight/having the body’s desired set weight go up a few pounds, change of desire towards sex, tender breasts or nipples, change in attitude). Something I just read in this wikipedia article about the Pill is that high levels of estrogen has been known to decrease serotonin levels in the brain, and low serotonin levels is linked with depression.

classyfied's avatar

Birth control has proven to have those side effects that you’ve mentioned. So the next time she tells you that she’s feeling depressed, tell her that you’ve been worried about her and that you actually looked it up and found that birth control can cause mood swings/depression and a lower libido. Suggest to her that she should talk to her doctor about an alternate brand with less hormones. My sister had to go through three brands before she found one that worked for her.

casheroo's avatar

When I take the pill, I completely lose my libido. My husband hates when I take it, especially anything more estrogen based.
He has never been very tactful when he feels I’m acting out of character, he just confronts me and tells me he wants me off the pill and he’d rather I get pregnant than be a bitch.
But, if it is really affecting your relationship, definitely tell her. She’ll appreciate that you’re so in tune with her.

BBQsomeCows's avatar

Her birth control is doing more than ‘killing your relationship’

It is slaughtering up to 12 of your conceived children annually


female birth control, whether chemical or mechanical, is ABORTIFACIENT not contraceptive


Answer this question




to answer.

This question is in the General Section. Responses must be helpful and on-topic.

Your answer will be saved while you login or join.

Have a question? Ask Fluther!

What do you know more about?
Knowledge Networking @ Fluther