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dalepetrie's avatar

NSFW - Please tell my your favorite (original) Aristocrats joke?

Asked by dalepetrie (18014points) March 4th, 2009

Be forewarned, if you are easily, or even moderately easily offended, please close out of this question right now. The whole point of this question is to come up with the most offensive answers imaginable.

I want you to create your own joke, that’s the only ground rule, that and of course the punch line has to be “The Aristocrats” or something just as absurd. Now, for those of you who are not familiar with the Aristocrats, let me explain.

There is a joke that has been around since before the Vaudeville days, the joke is known as the Aristocrats, and it is pretty much known by every comedian out there. For further information on the joke, the comedian/illusionist Penn Jillette (of Penn & Teller) made a movie about it a few years back.

Basically, the joke starts out with two people talking, one is telling the other one (usually pitching an idea to him in hopes of having a show produced) about this act he (or she) has come up with. So a typical opening would be, “a guy is talking to a Producer and says, hey buddy have I got an act for you, it will knock your socks off…” So the producer or whatever asks about the act, and the “talent” describes this act.

Now here’s the part that is never the same…there is no “standard” middle part, the middle part is MEANT to be made up by the person telling the joke. The whole point of the joke, or at least what the point of the joke has become is that the teller is going to try to shock and offend those listening to the joke. Like, in every period in American culture, there is a line that comedians generally don’t cross, and that line gets pushed further and further with every passing generation…or at least it changes, certainly there are things that we can joke about now (sex, drugs, etc) that 60 years ago would have been taboo, as there are things that 60 years ago it was commonplace to joke about (race, today you really have to tread lightly, for example). Or think terrorism, you could joke about that up to August of 2001, but for a couple years after that, it was off limits.

So, anyway, back to that movie, that was a bunch of comedians telling their version of the joke, and more often than not it involved vile sexual acts involving incest, bestiality, rape, etc., or alternately (and sometimes in the same joke) scatological references. Comedians often will tell this joke to each other to try to outdo each other, to see who can push the limits the farthest…some dare to go to places that no one else will even come close to, others offer pretty standard fare. My point here is to see what YOU can come up with, see how far YOU can push the limits, how outrageous YOU can be, how offensive, how outlandish, how vile and outright insane.

So, you have the beginning, a guy says he’s got an act, the middle, him describing the act, and then the ending of he joke, which just like the beginning doesn’t change much, if at all. After hearing of this highly disgusting act, the producer asks, “well, what do you call this act?” To which the pitchman replies “The Aristocrats!”. The point being that one would associate the Aristocracy with rather refined, cultured things, certainly not the types of things one is describing in this joke. Therefore “The Aristocrats” is the perfect punchline, which only gets funnier the more offensive and un-Aristocratlike the description of the act is. I’ll now present a very mild example, but keep in mind, with this joke, the longer and more drawn out, the better (some celebs used to have parties to see who could craft the longest Aristocrats joke), but for the sake of getting the show on the road, here’s a simple example of a joke.

A man walks into the offices of a producer of Vegas shows and says, “I have an act that is guaranteed to pack ‘em in.” The producer says, “OK, tell me about this act.” The guy says, “OK, I walk out on stage, high on PCP and I pistol whip a midget. Then I take a big steaming dump in the middle of his chest. I strip naked and proceed to have sex with the pile of excrement for 25 minutes. Then my entire family comes out, mom, dad, my little sister, my parapalegic brother, they all vomit on the stage, roll around in it, then we all get down on our hand and knees and proceed to clean up the mess and each other with our tongues. At the end of the show, we all orgasm simultaneously into a bucket and force feed it to a homeless person.” The producer looks at the guy kind of funny, but then he says, “OK, what exactly do you CALL an act like this.” To which the man replies “The Aristocrats!”

Your turn

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39 Answers

Bri_L's avatar

I have to think about this.

dalepetrie's avatar

@Bri_L – can’t wait to see what you come up with!

eponymoushipster's avatar

i would, but we can’t joke until a few serious answers are posted.

so. ...yeah.

poofandmook's avatar

Oh this sort of thing is, as Ralph Wiggum would put it, where I am a viking. I will definitely be typing this one out in between dispatching calls. :)

dalepetrie's avatar

@poofandmook – just don’t bend your wookie.

Jeruba's avatar

For context and setup, you might want to look at this question. Scroll down past the Removed by Fluther moderators. post.

poofandmook's avatar

I’m not sure I want to post now. LOL

dalepetrie's avatar

I’m betting that this is different….there an Aristocrats was off topic, not a serious response…here it’s what is expected and requested up front. Don’t be afraid, if the question or some answers get removed, que sera sera, call it a learning experience. I’m guessing this is well within the guidelines, I asked a question that I sincerely want answers to.

saranwrapper's avatar

Oh this is going to happen so hard, but I need some time to organize my shit jokes.

eponymoushipster's avatar

@dalepetrie ~duh dude. you’re only supposed to ask questions about deep philosophical topics, and await hardcore, serious, triple-checked responses that highlight the intelligence of a select group.

Your question isn’t what’s important, it’s come down to this: is it a question some of us want to see answered in the way we want it answered?

Silly eyeball.~

ubersiren's avatar

I can’t resist!

So, in walks this family of black Jews to an audition for a talent show. The theater talent scouts tell the family to begin.

First, the family dog just walks right up to the dad and starts humping his leg. After the dog finishes the humping, the dad asks him to fetch his slippers. The dog gets his slippers then takes a huge shit in them before the dad proceeds to put them on. Then it’s the dad’s turn to fuck the dog. So, the dad is getting the dog up the ass when the youngest son joins the act. He slides under his dad like he’s about to give him an oil change when he sticks his fist up his dad’s ass and licks his balls simultaneously. The boy is fisting away, occasionally fanning out his fingers to fill all the gaps. The dad farts which blows the kid’s hand right out. The mom of the family takes advantage of the distracted kid and comes over and sits on his face. So, the kid is sucking on his mom’s taint/clit/ asshole, and she is licking the dad’s ass juices off the kid’s hand. All the while, the dad is still pounding the dog, and eventually jizzes all over its fur. The little baby girl is nursing at mom’s titties while her brother is eating out the mom. Since the dad is finished with the dog, he decides to pierce the baby girl’s nipples and take pictures, making silk screen t-shirts of it for all the talent scouts. Well, that just sets the mom all off and she cums all over the boy’s face. The boy thinks he should get a shot so he starts slapping his dad in the back of the head with his penis. It get’s the dad’s attention and he finally tells the kid that he’ll suck him off if he will ask him politely in Swedish. So, the kid is masturbating furiously while reading the Swedish dictionary and he finally gets it. So, the dad sucks the kid off and spits out the cum onto the baby and the baby thinks it’s hilarious and laughs until she pukes all over the mom’s boobs. The dog then re-enters and licks the baby barf off the mom’s titties and it kills him. After everyone has gotten off, they all take a giant shit on the stage and form the shit piles into top hats. They then fire the shit hats in a kiln and wear them as they tap dance off stage.

Well the talent scouts were in shock sat drop-jawed. Eventually one was able to say to the family, “God damn, that was some show… what do you call yourselves, the shit hats?

The family replies, “No, we’re the Aristocrats! ”

dalepetrie's avatar

@eponymoushipster – You know, I honestly don’t see that at all, and I’ll put this question up for a litmus test here. I have been on anoher Q&A site, and I know what horseshit moderation is like, I came here and it’s like night and day. I’ve seen stuff pulled because the question was poor quality (i.e, just do a Google search if you want to know, don’t clog up our boards here)...and I respect that because I’ve seen where it’s all about maximizing the number of questions and not the quality, and you know what, it’s hard to find a question worth answering on sites like that. I’ve seen where a response is off topic get pulled. I’ve seen responses that attack or insult a person get pulled. I’ve seen responses that did not meet the tone of the conversation at hand get pulled. But I’ve sworn like a sailor on shore leave, I’ve told vile, disgusting, offensive jokes with no redeeming qualities, I’ve not censored myself in the slightest, and you know when I’ve been censored here? One time when I went after someone who was pissing me off and basically stalking me and shitting all over my answers, I went out on my own to do something about it, and the message I got from the mods…come to us, it’s OUR job to straighten these things out. I said things that were designed to engender negative feelings about the site and about certain people on the site, and what I found out was that I wasn’t being fair. The mods take their job very seriously and what I was doing was seriously undercutting their ability to moderate the site fairly. So my responses were pulled, everyone involved was talked to and it’s all water under the bridge. The only other time I’ve been pulled? Someone asked “what instrument do you play” and in the midst of people discussing what instruments they played, I said “the skin flute”. I’ve seen a lot more offensive than thsi posted, I’ve seen people make jokes offhandedly like this elsewhere, and it’s never been a problem. The reason it was a problem here was because no one was joking, everyone on this board was seriously discussing the topic. My quip was out of place, I don’t think anyone was deeply offended about what I said, just where I said it.

So, I’ll reiterate, I’ll be MIGHTILY surprised if this question or any of the answers gets pulled. And hopefully, whatever resentment you have going towards the mods, you will take it up with them, because I’m sure they can explain their actions to you far better than I can. By coming here and posting a complaint about what you think they see as acceptable without talking to them, you run the risk of having THAT quip pulled, which I’m sure whill just piss you off all the more…kind of makes you feel like they’re out to get you, but I assure you, they’re not.

dalepetrie's avatar

@ubersiren – thanks for being brave enough to take the first plunge…lurve to you.

ubersiren's avatar

@dalepetrie : I’m always first for foulness. If you don’t find it satisfactory, I can do more. I could probably shoot out a good nine more. It’s my sworn duty (possibly birthright) to please the gods of pottymouth.

dragonflyfaith's avatar

Let me just say, I will never think of Bob Saget the same way again.

Jeruba's avatar

@dalepetrie, I don’t have any appetite at all for this sort of thing, but I recognize and salute what you’re doing here. I hope you are right about the moderators’ response. Thanks for stepping out in front. Lurve to you.

poofandmook's avatar

A man walks into a producer’s office. The producer’s not really having the best day, so he’s pretty curt with the man. “What the fuck do you want?” The man, undeterred says, “Listen… stop everything that you’re doing. I have the act to beat all acts… the act that’s going to make you the most famous producer of all!” The producer, though irritated, is also too bored to resist temptation. “Okay,” he sighs, “tell me about the act.”

Well…” starts the man,

“It starts out with my 600lb cousin Bob and his 3 children. My cousin strips naked and lays down on the stage. The first one pukes in his mouth, the next one pukes on his hairy, sweaty belly, and the third… well… the third one can’t puke so he just empties his colostomy bag all over his balls. Then Mom comes out with a spoon and samples from my cousin’s mouth, Dad licks his belly, and Mom’s retarded brother Jim licks Bob’s balls clean, each trying to guess what the kids had for lunch.

While all this is going on, Grandma’s on the side of the stage spread-eagle, queefing the finale of the HMS Pinafore. Right as she comes to the end, Grandpa comes out with the dog, a little toy Yorkie in fact, stuck on the end of his dick like a pom-pom. He poises himself in front of Grandma, and as the last note flutters her nether lips, she squeezes a sore on her clit and shoots pus and gunk right on top of the dog’s head.

This catches retarded Jim’s eye, and he licks the mess off the dog’s head. By now, Cousin Bob decides it’s time for a snack, so he whips the dog away from retarded Jim and eats it whole. He spits out a bone, which he uses to fuck retarded Jim in the ass.

While all this is going on, Grandpa, Grandma, Mom, Dad, and the 3 kids are involved in an elaborate fisting train, making a complete circle of fisting and splitting anus glory all around Cousin Bob and retarded Jim, who, incidentally, is still being fucked in the ass by the bone from the dog. Cousin Bob then picks up retarded Jim by the neck, holds him over his head, turns him upside-down, and furiously jerks him off without lube while the entire family hops around him, fist-to-asshole. They do this until retarded Jim cums in cousin Bob’s left eye.

This is too much for Grandpa, who grab’s mom’s spoon, grabs one of the kids, scoops out both eyeballs, and he and dad simultaneously skullfuck the kid while Mom has the other two sucking on her tits and Grandma fucks Mom from behind with a giant black strap-on. Grandpa and dad blow their loads simultaneously, which propels the kid headfirst into the crowd, splattering warm, gooey spunk all over the first three rows.. sometimes four.

Grandpa and Dad now join Mom and Grandma to form a train, the kids ride on their backs like horses, Cousin Bob hoists retarded Jim up on his shoulders… squats in the middle of the stage, shits out the dog, and tosses it up to land precariously on retarded Jim’s head.”

The producer stares at the man, blinking. He stammers, “well… that is some act you’ve put together there. What do you call yourselves?”

The man plasters a shit-eating grin (no pun intended) on his face as he proudly proclaims, “the Aristocrats!”

dalepetrie's avatar

@poofandmook – I’d give 2 lurves for that if I could.

@Jeruba – I completely understand not having the stomach for this kind of thing, to each his own, and thanks for taking the “live and let live” attitude towards the whole thing…greatly appreciated!

aprilsimnel's avatar

@mangeons – His stand-up routine at comedy clubs is for a mature audience. Let’s leave it at that.

dalepetrie's avatar

It’s back!!!!! Just FYI, the mods are OK with this kind of question, if I put NSFW in the title (now I’m jut waiting for them to tell me what NSFW means). No censorship here, just like I said.

Jeruba's avatar

(not safe for work)

dalepetrie's avatar

I had to look that one up. I think the mods did a great job here, it makes sense (now that I know what it means) that one would put a disclaimer like that in the title so people wouldn’t open it at work. Of course, it’s unfortunate because now if anyone was thinking, “Dale’s wrong, they’re going to censor this for sure,” will probably have seen that the Q disappeared and figure, yep, just like I thought, and now the mods and I all look stupid. But they had to balance the various factors, and I think they made the right choice.

Now back to the question…I’m looking for more answers!

MacBean's avatar

@mangeons – There was a documentary [ http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Aristocrats_(film) ] about this joke. Bob Saget’s take on it was… interesting. Especially for folks who only know his family-oriented work.

Bri_L's avatar

I got nothing. It feels like I am just regurgitating everything what everyone else has already done. but I value the point of the experiment.

evelyns_pet_zebra's avatar

I see no point in any of this. Personally, it makes Fluther look like a filthy hole. I don’t mind seeng a few swear words (in context) on here, or subject matter that might be too risque for other sites, but this? This is ignorant shit.

This is not a flame, it is my opinion. Do we really want to go down this road? I know I don’t.

poofandmook's avatar

@evelyns: it’s not about being filthy nearly as much as it’s a “study” of an extraordinarily famous part of comedic history.

If you don’t want to go down this road, why did you come in here?

and, by the way, if you’re trying to point out that we’re “ignorant” for using filth… if I were you… I wouldn’t illustrate that point by using the word “shit.” That’s not a flame, it’s just my opinion.

MacBean's avatar

It’s pretty clearly stated right at the beginning of the details section that the contents of the answers here were going to be filthy, and why. You obviously don’t get it, and if you don’t like it, gtfo.

poofandmook's avatar

@MacBean: LURVE. Thank you for putting it the way I wanted to, but for some reason, didn’t.

MacBean's avatar

@poofandmook—You were more tactful, and said it the way I normally would have. But given the subject at hand, and the fact that it’s my birthday, I thought I’d try something different for a change. XD

dalepetrie's avatar

@evelyns_pet_zebra – I respect your opinion, however I will say that in a collective, it’s not what you, or I or any other user values, if someone sees a value or a point to it, it doesn’t matter if someone else does not. You are free to read/participate, or not, and your complaint is kind of like if I were to complain about someone asking a question about a classic car or a knitting method or something that holds zero interest to me, I don’t see the “value” in it, and I don’t want Fluther to become a forum about classic cars or knitting. Seems kind of ridiculous to worry about the content of one question I don’t like/care about/see the value in. But you’re entitled to your opinion, I just say the same thing I say about any censorship, if you don’t like what’s on, don’t consume it.

poofandmook's avatar

happy birthday! :D

saranwrapper's avatar

A man walks into a talent agents office and says, “Hi, my name is Frank and do I have an act for you!” The agent says, “Alright, lets see it.” So the man walks out the door and comes back in with his entire family: wife, son, daughter, baby son, and his mother in law. The family stands in a circle, holding hands. They seem to be praying. The man says, “Amen!” and they begin.
The Man turns to his lovly wife and slaps her across the face with one hand while tearing her shirt off with the other. He grunts at his son who then turns to his sister, who has started to remove her clothing, and spits on her. The whole family quickly undresses. The man bends his wife over and starts slapping her ass with his flaccid penis, you know trying to stir something up. Eventually this gets him hard. He then enters his wifes ass. As he’s going to town on her ass, their son walks over and starts to go down on his mother. As he’s doing this he is also pulling out large chunks of her pubic hair. The son hands the pubic hair clumps to his father who starts to stuff them into his wife’s vagina. The daughter walks over and puts her fathers balls in her mouth. Bits of pubic hair start to fall in her mouth and she starts to hack up hair balls. Grandma lays the baby down on the floor and starts to diddle herself using the babys tiny tiny penis as a tiny tiny dildo. This can’t be doing much, due to her huge canvernous vagina, but grandma is a good actress so she appears to be having a good time.
The man grunts and pulls out of his wifes ass and shoves himself in to his daughters waiting mouth. Her mouth is filled with her fathers penis and her mothers feces. The son mounts his mother and starts to fuck her hair filled vagina. She is still bleeding pretty profusely from the ripped out pubic hair, so she covers her hands with blood and starts to cover her baby with it. The mother mutters “just like a newborn, just like a newborn”. The grandmother moves to her son in law and starts to cram her fist into his ass while he’s still in his daughters mouth. She gets a little over zealous and punches her grand-daugther in the face through her son in laws anus. The daughter, who is now bleeding from the nose, takes starts to lube up her fathers penis with the blood.
They all stop suddenly. The family stands and forms a circle around the baby. They’re all rubbing themselves with a mixture of blood, feces, and their own arousal. They all walk in and as if by a mircale, they come and exactly the same time. The blood soaked baby is covered in cum.

The family all turn toward the agent. There is silence for an entire minute. The agent says, “Wow, what do you call your act?” The baby responds, saying his first words! “The Aristocrats!”

This joke is best told live. I can think of more disgusting things on my feet.

ubersiren's avatar

You people know that you don’t have to click on links that you’re not interested in, right? In fact there’s a “not interested” button. And a “remove” button. This was also labeled NSFW.

I happen to think foul language is the spice of life. You know who I find offensive? People who wear the collar on their polo shirts flipped up. People who don’t use turn signals. Litterbugs. The Octo-mom. Snobs. People who can’t take responsibility for themselves. Anyone who has “leashed” a child in the mall.

Blondesjon's avatar

I would answer this question but there is currently a court ordered injunction that forbids me from telling my version of this joke ever again. there was actually even a rider in the Kyoto protocol

evelyns_pet_zebra's avatar

@poof, I didn’t call you ignorant, don’t be so sensitive. And yes, I shouldn’t have put a comment here, if I didn’t find it to my liking. So I made an error, I am sorry to leave a comment here when it is obvious this isn’t my cup of tea. I apologize for doing so.

I’ll stay away, and avoid the things I don’t find acceptable. And as for the mean comments back at me here (well just one) thanks, I like to know where some folks are coming from.

Futomara's avatar

No one can beat Gilbert Godfreid’s version. No one.

AstroChuck's avatar

I just love Disney films.

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