General Question

Jude's avatar

Why do people fall out of love?

Asked by Jude (32112points) March 5th, 2009

In your case, what was it? Grew apart, maybe?

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16 Answers

willbrawn's avatar

Because people don’t work on it. You have to continually strengthen it. Also it requires people to be self-less. And that’s hard for a lot of people.

TheBox193's avatar

The novelty and fantasy is over. Maybe there is better on the other side the fence.

wundayatta's avatar

Hmmm. It’s happened to me three times. The first time, I desperately did not want it to happen, but she did, and she used my graduation as a way to do it, and it took me years to stop loving her.

The second time…. I think I slowly learned that she wasn’t the quirky person I thought she was. Or that her quirks were different from the ones I liked. My cock kind of died first. I was no longer interested in her sexually, and that showed me that I didn’t feel a good connection to her any more.

The third time, it happened over a long time—a year or more. She was from a different background than I was, and had many different ideas about how things should be, or reactions to various things. Again, we weren’t really connecting any more. Again, I slowly stopped being interested in her, sexually, and finally, I met someone else.

I’m still with that someone else, and have never stopped loving her, and don’t plan to. We’ve had our problems, especially lately, but we’ve taken steps to fix them, and it is really helping us fall back in love.

casheroo's avatar

I don’t think it’s because people don’t work at it.
I definitely loved my ex, but we were not meant for each other. We did not have the same goals in life, it would have never worked. Our love faded over time, because we did not want to be together for the rest of our lives. We still cared for each other, but not in a romantic sense.
I think people do grow apart. And I also think when that happens, it just wasn’t meant to be.

cheebdragon's avatar

People are stupid.

LKidKyle1985's avatar

“If nothin is forever, then what makes what makes what makes love the exceptiiooooon” sorry was singin some outkast.
Its hard to say why, Some people grow apart, or its a mismatch of life goals, or selfishness or not trying to make it work. Maybe its nativity thinking its like the movies and it will work on its own. Maybe its boredom or lack of interest. I can’t say for sure, when I have been in love it was the other person who disengaged it, and I have only been a few times. You know what they say third times a charm.

cak's avatar

I agree and disagree with casheroo. Sometimes, you just realize that you were not meant to be together. There may be an attraction, but there isn’t enough there to hold it together.

Where I disagree with casheroo is, in some cases, one or both of the parties in the relationship stop working on the relationship. A relationship is more than just sexual attraction, it takes work on many levels. One part maybe strong, say the intimate side; however, nothing else is being worked on – that leaves a void in the relationship and it slowly (sometimes quickly) dies.

adreamofautumn's avatar

I wish I knew…that way maybe I could get her to love me again. sigh Falling out of love seems like such an insane concept to me, I guess because I’ve never done it. I imagine I will at some point, in the meantime I will nurse the broken heart of having it happen to me.

marinelife's avatar

I think may times what people call love isn’t. If it is just chemical attraction and lust that always dies if there is not something solid to back it up: friendship, respect, shared values, mutual interests.

In the case of real love, I disagree with casheroo. People do have to work at it (a difficult thing in our society of easy come, easy go) and commit to it. When you aren’t willing to do that, that is when you grow apart.

By work at it, I mean that people often think that love should just be. It is very easy to get lost in the everyday responsibilities and chores of life. It requires putting as much effort into maintaining love as you did when you first met the person. Planning places to go and things to do only with them, making time for each other and for romantic time, looking out for things that would make them happy.

forestGeek's avatar

I don’t believe that you actually fall out of love, people just change. We all change every single day. I think it feels this way because when people meet, especially at a young age, they feel one way about life, their hopes, and dreams, etc, then as time passes by, those things change or evolve. If people are not willing to embrace those changes in their partner, and/or learn to love those changes in each other, it feels as if you’ve fallen out of love.

I feel that too often people are not willing to make the effort to understand and learn about the changes in their partner and themselves, and how they can take those changes and become a stronger couple. It makes me feel as if the people who say, “he/she has changed, and I don’t love them anymore”, didn’t love the person, but loved who they personally thought that person was. I agree with Marina, people have to work at it, and if they are unwilling to make that effort, they will easily grow apart or feel that they have fallen out of love. Almost everything in life that’s really good, takes work and effort, I don’t understand why everyone doesn’t see that when it comes to relationships as well.

chasethestars's avatar

People change. Or sometimes they don’t, and that can lead to boredom. Or it was never really love to begin with, just being in love with the idea of love and that novelty has worn off.

kevinhardy's avatar

they get bored with everything, so they think its the only thing

NaturalMineralWater's avatar

The reason is usually indirectly proportional to the reason you fell IN love to begin with.

borderline_blonde's avatar

I don’t think that boredom is what happens, necessarily. At least, I don’t think it’s the cause of falling out of love. Instead, I think that falling out love is what causes the boredom, as one partner stops trying, stops viewing the other passionately, etc.

Falling out of love is complicated, and I think it has primarily to do with people evolving, so that needs change and are no longer met, and that this can happen on either side of the equation. But sometimes too, I think that it can also be a process of revelation: you learn so much about someone as time wears on, that maybe you just begin to see things that aren’t right for you after a while, and you fall out of love because of it.

Jude's avatar

@borderline_blonde Great answer. I agree %100.

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