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ChrisBodie's avatar

What would you do about a very good friend who seems to be drifting away?

Asked by ChrisBodie (4points) March 8th, 2009

We are both in our late fifties and have done everything together for 3 years. Now the calls, mails, and events are further and further apart with no explanation.

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15 Answers

ChrisBodie's avatar

She is very intelligent and very kind.

toomuchcoffee911's avatar

Why don’t you start making more of an effort? Plan to meet for lunch somewhere or go do something you both have in common. It can only help.

Mr_M's avatar

“Good friend” never meant “ONLY friend”. That may be what she is to YOU but not the other way around.

Adina1968's avatar

Does your friend seem depressed? Maybe she needs some extra attention. I agree withh tomuchcoffee maybe you should take over making some plans. It might be that she is feeling bad about heading towards 60 and is not verbalizing it.

Lothloriengaladriel's avatar

Maybe theres something going on in her life where shes not able to do the things she did before, I have a friend who is I use to see everyday and I recently stopped talking to her pretty much all together until I found out she was really having marriage problems and that was the reason she didnt call or want to hang out or even see me anymore because she was depressed and just wanted to be left alone, If you’re the one making an attempt to call and talk and see eachother and she just keeps putting it off or whatever the case is I suggest you either confront her and ask what the problem is OR leave her alone and let her come around, Dont waste your time thinking it was something you did or trying to fix her problem, If its something she wants to tell you she will, If not, Let it be.

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

You may have to do the lions share of the contact. Don’t wait for reciprocation if it means a lot to you.

wundayatta's avatar

I’ve lost touch with four of my closest friends over the last year. I’ve known them since college. I was sick over the last year, and in no condition to reach out to them. Still, I would have expected at least one of them to call me.

I’m better now, although I still have a phobia of phones. Maybe I would call if I weren’t afraid, but then, I don’t know what to say to them. I can’t tell them about what happened this last year. I don’t know what they’d make of it. But if I can’t tell them, then they will be clueless as to one of the most important events of my life.

I guess these things happen sometimes. I don’t have a clue as to why. I don’t even know how to ask, if one of them should get in touch with me. I might pretend everything is fine. All in all, I might prefer just to let them go. It probably means we have nothing in common any more.

Who knows what is going on with your friend. You can’t know unless you talk to her, and you might not talk to her in that close way again. All I can say is that it’s a mystery to me, too. Sometimes life just kind of sucks.

jbfletcherfan's avatar

I’d say contact her, go to one of your houses where there’s no interruption from someone else, like a restaurant would have, & have a frank talk with her. Tell her your concerns. See if you can find out just what’s going on.

@daloon…shame on your friends to not having kept in contact with you. Now that you’re better, email them, if you can’t talk to them on the phone. You’re open about your illness. You have nothing to be ashamed about. Let them know what’s been going on. If they’re any kind of a friend at all, they’ll get ahold of you. You might be pleasantly surprised by their responses. You’ll never know until you try. You know that, don’t you? ;-)

wundayatta's avatar

@jbfletcherfan: The only person from my family and old friends who knows about my illness is my wife. A few artist friends know (because they’re all crazy, too). If I tell my friends, it’ll get back to my family, and I can’t let that happen. They are not understanding about such things.

The reason why I can be open about my illness here is that noone knows me in real life. It’s an outlet for me. It’s part of my therapy.

jbfletcherfan's avatar

@daloon it’s a shame that people would be so narrow minded about it. When you’re sick is when you need them the most.

wundayatta's avatar

Well, I’m sure you know that it’s not the same with mental illness. When people think you’re crazy, they think you are dangerous, possibly violent. When they find out you’re depressed, they think you’re faking it, and and/or lazy. Friends disappear, family disappears, work disappears, and you can end up homeless. It’s too familiar a story, and I’m not risking that, if I can help it.

jbfletcherfan's avatar

@daloon not all people think that way, you know. There are some who will stick with you through the bad as well as the good.

wundayatta's avatar

@jbfletcherfan: yes, I know that. I’m just trying to say that when the people who been closest to you all your life think like that, there’s a problem.

jbfletcherfan's avatar

@daloon I understand that.

marinelife's avatar

This has happened to me, and it is very tough. In my case, the friendship was of much longer standing. It took me several years to come to terms with the loss.

If you have not done so, tell your friend that you have noticed a change, give concrete examples, and then ask if you have offender her or if she has something going on in her life that is affecting the relationship.

If you mean it, tell her that you would like the two of you to be open and honest in discussing the issue, but not deliberately hurtful of one another.

Several things may happen:

1. It may clear the air, and you can go back to the previous tight bond.

2. She may tell you she no longer wants that level of friendship, but wants to keep in touch.

3. She may pretend nothing is wrong, but continue on her current course of pulling back.

In the end, we can only do our own part, and then wait and see. Some friendships are lifelong, some are formed at a point in time and are meant to end.

If that happens with yours, take in your heart the good things from the friendship and treasure the good times you had, and then go out and make more friends.

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